Hey Soul Sister

*This post includes some sensitive material 

Around this time a year ago, the droplets being released from my eyes were so big that I nearly blended into the low clouds and rainy afternoons of monsoon season in the San Juan mountains. I was both dying and being broken open. The ego facing the beginning of its loss of power, my spirit just beginning to see the sliver of light called freedom. The first divine words that came to me, “My Love, I will not abandon you.”

_{*Ego death is a bit of a misnomer. What we want is to rise above is the conditioned fear created around the ego. Once that is overcome, our ego is simply the realization we are human. It keeps us safe in our human bodies. Think of the kid who jumps off her garage thinking she can fly…while this kid is still beautifully connected to the spirit world, she actually needs a little more grounding energy (without over-protection) to help connect with and respect her human body.} 

I’ve always had a soul that demanded to be free. Yet underneath my shadows, constructs, and conditions to be lovable that I put on myself, my soul remained trapped. 

This was, is, the year.

If I didn’t win this battle, if my mind stayed in control over my heart, I’m almost certain my soul would have chosen to depart. 

For those unfamiliar with exit points, this is a point in one’s life where a soul may choose to leave the body and return Home (this is different from suicide). The soul may do this when it feels like it has accomplished its mission for this lifetime, or, if it feels like it can’t complete its task, maybe because the trauma experienced was too much to overcome, the soul may choose to go back Home and “regroup” before the next round. (This is not a choice made by the human self. If you are here on this earth today, you are here for a reason, a reason you may not know yet. This life is magical and we have no idea of the intricacies taking place, including how we affect the lives of others now or in the future.) Or, as I believe in the case of my older sister, some souls leave at a time that is best- could lead to the most growth- for their family and friends. As may be obvious to anyone who has read any post of mine, my own evolution toward my Higher Self has increased dramatically over the past few years after my sister’s passing. 

And honestly, I’m not sure how, if, I could have made it without the loving guidance of my (spirit-angel) older sister, my (human-angel) twin sister, or my (spirit-guide in blue fur) dog. Then of course there is my dear friend Tara, who, once I got over my initial ego jealousy of her, I instantly recognized as a true soul sister that held all the wisdom and compassion of Green Goddess Tara. While she and I talk only a few times a year now, there’s an instant recognition of connection that in words comes out as “she actually gets me.” These sisters have been my rocks and rivers of hope, offering steady reassurance that everything actually is and will be okay even during the windiest of small mountain town days. 

Now, a year later, I finally feel like my heart is winning. That it is going to rise above the fears of my egoic mind that has been keeping me more trapped than safe. The divine message I received has slightly shifted to “My Love, I chose you.” I have one wing tip grazing on the side of freedom, my soul eagerly but patiently waiting for the rest of my body to get there. 

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From what I’ve witnessed, there are a lot of people going through a transformative phase right now. (This makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint, but I won’t dive into that right now.) It can be a really hard, messy process. And you don’t have to do it alone. I spent a lot of nights on my knees praying for help, and for me what I mostly received was clarity on the guidance already around me (with a few new people popping into my life). The ego will trick you into thinking you are always alone, but that is literally never true. We all, always, have spirit guides around us. There are always people willing and wanting to help. (Look for your human-angels.) There are therapists (you don’t have to have a specific reason or mental health condition) or support groups out there. Keep fighting for your heart, your light.