Lost & Found

I may never be able to sing as beautifully as Jade Castrinos and Pacer may never be able to match the notes I’m singing (not that I ever know what note I’m signing in).
*Pacer’s aunt and uncle are teaching her to differentiate between speak, talk, and howl… I suggested adding in “whisper”.

Pacer is never going to be able to do a whole Yoga flow sequence with me and we’ll never do a choreographed dance routine, partially because Pacer is smart enough to know she’ll get a treat anyway (have you seen her big brown eyes?) or she’ll counter surf for leftovers, partially because I’m not patient or interested enough to teach her, and mainly because its just not our thing. (Although it’s neat to watch other humans and their dogs do these cool tricks!)

What perhaps is more amazing- dare I say miraculous- is that every time I have been lost- and I have been really, really lost- Pacer has found me and brought me Home. 

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I have always said that Pacer is an extension of my heart. And in the past, when I was too afraid to love other humans and let other humans love me, she gave me enough safety that I could allow hers in. I love and have loved her so much, that I’ve risked my heart breaking in the fear of ever losing her. Our love has remained my one constant in the past decade of change. In all of my screw ups, failures, and bad decisions (or so my ego labels), she still loved me. She never wavered, as a human might. Eventually, even through all my shame stories, she got me believing that I was worth loving. She has taught me that it’s okay to be soft, that softness is the other side of strength. In her unconditional love, she reflected the Home that resides in all of us. Sometimes I’ve been too blind to see all of her lessons, such as that the risk of loving so deeply is always worth it, that true love never really goes away. I think that must be the gift of all doGs.

In this too, I am reminded of the last line of the prophetic poem my older sister wrote for me, now four Christmases ago, her last. She paraphrased JRR Tolkien, reassuring me “not all who wander are lost”, because when you are Home, you are never lost.