I’ve been getting really good at letting people pass me. Partially because I’m relatively new to skiing and mountain biking, partially because I don’t have time to train like the professional and semi-pro athletes around me, partially because my bike and skis are used, and partially because I’ve been practicing mentally letting go. (The exception seems to be snowshoeing up mountains, as Pacer and I tethered together seem to generate supernatural muscle power from our legs and glutes.) Last week when a skier caught up to me, I laughed when I realized it was Travis Macey. Out of all the people who could pass me, I absolutely could not care that it was Travis. Of course, however, Travis being Travis slowed down and skied with me to the top. This week, it felt like a male skier intentionally waited to start until just after I did. This left my mind constantly wondering if he was behind me and wanting to stay ahead, which I witnessed as I simultaneously did my best to ski my ski and enjoy the company of the pine trees. I knew the game being played, the race to the top, was ALL IN MY HEAD, whether or not the other skier was hoping to pass. It still took me out of the present moment, but at least I could see the game my mind was playing and choose to, at least partially, be an observer and remove myself from it the silliness of it, even laughing at myself for my involvement.
****
Did you know that comparison- including gossip and judgemental attitudes- are
forms of hypervigilance? Not only are the questions “Do I fit in here?” and “Am I enough/not enough to be liked?” being asked, but so is “Am I (mentally and emotionally) safe here?” This, for most of us, is based on the unconscious fear that we may not be liked or accepted for who we are. Hence, we are constantly scanning and assessing our environments, lest we be ostracized from the group.
While the majority* of us would reject the old-school caste system, our society is semi-secretly and semi-obviously built off of this “better than”, “less than” system. Less consciously, the majority of us also live by this system internally, in our minds. If we truly reject this hierarchy of beings, we must also learn to both acknowledge and then not listen to the part of us that compares and criticizes others and ourselves. More deeply, we must heal the programmed belief that we are not enough and stand in the fullness of our light, realizing we have always been worthy, lovable, and enough.
As usual, I suggest inner child work as a main healing tool. The unconscious or subconscious belief that causes comparison, because of the root wound of not feeling enough, was developed during childhood due to parental misattunement. Or, more specifically, a child’s egocentric view of life and parents/caregivers who were emotionally unavailable and/or emotionally dysregulated. Your inner child must know that Higher Self You will always accept her for who she is and never abandon her.
*The outliers have, most likely, developed a strong ego-complex, such as narcissism. The wound is still there, but they have built such a shell around it that they are in complete denial, using toxic power to help keep themselves in denial. Lesser cases would be the “over-dependent” person, or perhaps even the hermit, who instead choose to remove themselves from the physical world rather than share a part in it.
A Dog and Her Girl 