“I Quit”: Stepping onto My Path

The most freeing words I ever uttered were “I quit”.

I quit all the things that no longer serve me. I quit putting myself into hard situations and difficult positions.  I quit the adventures that are dangerous to my life and light. I quit the plans and outcomes I created in my head. I quit the relationships that are mentally and emotionally abusive. I quit all the paths that are out of alignment with my heart. I quit the jobs and trainings that I’ve forced myself to sit through thinking they would be “good experience for me to have” even though I loathed sitting in the chair.  I quit accepting treatment that is below my worth. I quit placing my needs in second place. I quit control. I quit the ways I block myself from love. Most importantly, I quit the thinking that I just need to be tougher. That I need to force and push myself through pain. I quit the physical abuse I’ve inflicted upon myself.  I quit beating myself up for all the mistakes I made and think I made.  I quit bullying myself for all the times I failed. I quit taking on the shame whenever I do quit, whenever I do what is best for me.

I quit.  I quit. I quit. 

***

At age 18, I have the words “Never Quit” tattooed on my body. This sealed the shell of my ego, my tough exterior, the chest the closed me and everyone else off to my treasures, my emotions, my softness, and my love. I’d stay stuck for on and off for almost another 18 years.

My ego, while divided into many parts, was mainly fabricated by fear to protect me from what I thought was love. But the ego doesn’t know love. “Never quit” strengthened my resolve that I was tough, independent, and didn’t need anyone else. I could always keeping doing, always keep pushing, I could never stop..

…and by never stopping, I never had to see what I was burying. I thought it was me that loved to push and keeping going, and I do really, really love playing outside, but it was my ego that held the secret from me. The secret that if I always kept running, it was It who would get stronger, while I would continually disappear into the night.

It was “I quit” that set me free. Painful as it was to unravel from layer and layer of fake skins.

A few months ago, I was riding my bike on weathered dirt roads. I spotted a glimmer and hopped off my bike. It was a key. Not just one of the copies you get made at the hardware store. This one was decorate as if old-fashioned. As if it was the key to something special.

I’ve held the key to my own treasure chest. I’ve peaked into my soul and slowly let parts of it escape and be seen. Sometimes I still close it and lock it at night. But I know hold the key. The lid, I feel, is almost ready to be thrown up, the chest turned upside down, never to lock away the treasure again.