When your high schooler fucks up, when they make a mistake- because they will. Because they are human. Because their brain is still 10 years from being fully developed and now they have an increase hormones flooding their brains and bodies (it’s really as if teenager were designed to make mistakes at this period in their lives) and their in this weird liminal space between childhood and adulthood and they occupy an even stranger place called high school for half their day- love them. If you can do that, they will know unconditional love. And you have created a more successful path for them than any class ever could.
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One of my cousins started her freshman year of high school this year. While I considered texting this advice to her parents, I’m decided it would be best not to give unsolicited advice. So I figured I’d write it out and share it with you all instead.
This advice, when a teen makes a mistake- be it getting an F, getting drunk, denting the car, etc.- is really true for a kid at any age. Mistakes are a huge and IMPORTANT part of growing. Mistakes show us what to do and what not to do and help us align to our values as well as to our highest selves. And, as mentioned above, it’s like teens are designed to make mistakes. Which makes a lot of sense in this very transitory time in their lives, as they figure out what they enjoy and the person they want to develop into as an adult.
With so much grace and respect to parents, a lot of us were taught that discipline*, yelling, and shame were the best ways to help shape a kid. But here’s what actually happens when we get mad or tell a kid “I’m so disappointed in you” when they make a mistake:
We put their still developing brains into survival mode*, which floods their growing bodies with cortisol and other stress hormones, causing them to sink into depression or become passive and a people please so they stay on your “good side”***( freeze & fawn), become defensive and yell back (fight), or run away, either physically or finding escape in addictions or other activities that may appear good, but can be founded in perfectionism and obsession (flee).
*I’m not saying there is no action to be taken, but I’ll write more on that later.
*We enter survival mode anytime we feel unsafe. This means any time we perceive loving being taken away, because the primal brain translates this into the potential of being ostracized from our tribe (or family).
***You may initially enjoy a “people-pleaser” child, but what you’re really promoting is an adult that will get walked over by others and have no boundaries, that can lead to extremely unhealthy relationships.
We also know that when teens make mistakes they are either 1) genuine mistakes or 2) they are already in fear. Again, when we are in survival mode, it is nearly impossible to make the optimal choice. The functioning of our prefrontal cortex is reduced, our amygdala is turned on, and our brains and bodies are being pumped with stress hormones. What love, compassion, and curiosity does is help a teen regulate back into their parasympathetic nervous system, which means that when you return to the conversational piece, you’ll actually be able to have a conversation without an argument but with understanding. It allows the child to know they are loved UNCONDITIONALLY. That even when they are not perfect, they are still loved. When we know unconditional love, we live from a space of worthiness. We make good decisions and live a life aligned with our values. We’re healthy. We thrive. Of course we want that for our teens! So, when your child sneaks out at 1am with the keys to your new car and brings it back with a huge dent (which is less likely to happen if unconditional love has always been your parenting style- and please practice self-forgiveness if not, because truly, YOU DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER*), first (after taking a few deep breaths yourself), give them a hug. We know that in order to sneak out, they were probably trying to feel move love and connection with their friends, seeking it from the outside because it was under sourced on the inside. They’re probably terrified of you upsetting you and losing the more conditional love that they already get from you. Let them know they are loved. They are safe.
Then, once you know they’re nervous system is regulated (look for deep breathing and a calm demeanor) truly get curious and ask about their behavior or the mistake they made. Reflect not only their words but how they are feeling. It’s probably not the time to share your own stories, but do empathize and try to understand. Finally, if there is a disciplinary action to be taken, have a conversation about it with them first and state your reasoning. You might be surprised… they might actually agree with you.
Then love them more.
* “I’m disappointed in you” and “You should know better” are two of the most shaming statements we use on kids, and ourselves. The feeling of shame basically revolves around the belief that we are not worthy of love because we a broken, something is wrong with us, or simply bad. This translates into the belief that if we are imperfect- or human, we don’t deserve love. Again, we want to encourage self-reflection and growth in positive ways. And to nullify the idea that one should know better: kids learn through repetition. It’s actually completely ridiculous of an adult to say this to a small child. While a teen might have a better understanding of right from wrong, they are often motivated by their emotions and beliefs. If we’re frightened or anxious in anyway, our capacity to learn is greatly reduced. I also know if you ever used these statements with your child, they were probably used on you. And you practicing self-compassion with yourself is one of the best gifts you can give your child. Dr. Kristen Neff gives a great example of using self-compassion as a way to help your child grow in her TedTalk:
A Dog and Her Girl 