Musings

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When Your Teen Fucks Up, Love Them

When your high schooler fucks up, when they make a mistake- because they will. Because they are human. Because their brain is still 10 years from being fully developed and now they have an increase hormones flooding their brains and bodies (it’s really as if teenager were designed to make mistakes at this period in their lives) and their in this weird liminal space between childhood and adulthood and they occupy an even stranger place called high school for half their day- love them. If you can do that, they will know unconditional love. And you have created a more successful path for them than any class ever could. 

***

One of my cousins started her freshman year of high school this year. While I considered texting this advice to her parents, I’m decided it would be best not to give unsolicited advice. So I figured I’d write it out and share it with you all instead. 

This advice, when a teen makes a mistake- be it getting an F, getting drunk, denting the car, etc.- is really true for a kid at any age. Mistakes are a huge and IMPORTANT part of growing. Mistakes show us what to do and what not to do and help us align to our values as well as to our highest selves. And, as mentioned above, it’s like teens are designed to make mistakes. Which makes a lot of sense in this very transitory time in their lives, as they figure out what they enjoy and the person they want to develop into as an adult.

With so much grace and respect to parents, a lot of us were taught that discipline*, yelling, and shame were the best ways to help shape a kid. But here’s what actually happens when we get mad or tell a kid “I’m so disappointed in you” when they make a mistake:
We put their still developing brains into survival mode*, which floods their growing bodies with cortisol and other stress hormones, causing them to sink into depression or become passive and a people please so they stay on your “good side”***( freeze & fawn), become defensive and yell back (fight), or run away, either physically or finding escape in addictions or other activities that may appear good, but can be founded in perfectionism and obsession (flee). 

*I’m not saying there is no action to be taken, but I’ll write more on that later.

*We enter survival mode anytime we feel unsafe. This means any time we perceive loving being taken away, because the primal brain translates this into the potential of being ostracized from our tribe (or family). 

***You may initially enjoy a “people-pleaser” child, but what you’re really promoting is an adult that will get walked over by others and have no boundaries, that can lead to extremely unhealthy relationships.

We also know that when teens make mistakes they are either 1) genuine mistakes or 2) they are already in fear. Again, when we are in survival mode, it is nearly impossible to make the optimal choice. The functioning of our prefrontal cortex is reduced, our amygdala is turned on, and our brains and bodies are being pumped with stress hormones. What love, compassion, and curiosity does is help a teen regulate back into their parasympathetic nervous system, which means that when you return to the conversational piece, you’ll actually be able to have a conversation without an argument but with understanding. It allows the child to know they are loved UNCONDITIONALLY. That even when they are not perfect, they are still loved. When we know unconditional love, we live from a space of worthiness. We make good decisions and live a life aligned with our values. We’re healthy. We thrive. Of course we want that for our teens! So, when your child sneaks out at 1am with the keys to your new car and brings it back with a huge dent (which is less likely to happen if unconditional love has always been your parenting style- and please practice self-forgiveness if not, because truly, YOU DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER*), first (after taking a few deep breaths yourself), give them a hug. We know that in order to sneak out, they were probably trying to feel move love and connection with their friends, seeking it from the outside because it was under sourced on the inside. They’re probably terrified of you upsetting you and losing the more conditional love that they already get from you. Let them know they are loved. They are safe. 

Then, once you know they’re nervous system is regulated (look for deep breathing and a calm demeanor) truly get curious and ask about their behavior or the mistake they made. Reflect not only their words but how they are feeling. It’s probably not the time to share your own stories, but do empathize and try to understand. Finally, if there is a disciplinary action to be taken, have a conversation about it with them first and state your reasoning. You might be surprised… they might actually agree with you. 

Then love them more.

* “I’m disappointed in you” and “You should know better” are two of the most shaming statements we use on kids, and ourselves. The feeling of shame basically revolves around the belief that we are not worthy of love because we a broken, something is wrong with us, or simply bad. This translates into the belief that if we are imperfect- or human, we don’t deserve love. Again, we want to encourage self-reflection and growth in positive ways. And to nullify the idea that one should know better: kids learn through repetition. It’s actually completely ridiculous of an adult to say this to a small child. While a teen might have a better understanding of right from wrong, they are often motivated by their emotions and beliefs. If we’re frightened or anxious in anyway, our capacity to learn is greatly reduced. I also know if you ever used these statements with your child, they were probably used on you. And you practicing self-compassion with yourself is one of the best gifts you can give your child. Dr. Kristen Neff gives a great example of using self-compassion as a way to help your child grow in her TedTalk: 

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/IvtZBUSplr4?rel=0&autoplay=0&showinfo=0&enablejsapi=0

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Grasp

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Draft

I try to grasp…

Everything is moving so fast.

I beg to Time to stop.

But He just smiles at me.

So time continues to slip

as if it were water through my fingertips.

The more I cling,

the more pain I bring.

I plead.

I bargain.

I deny what it in front of me.

I tell myself a lie,

trying to counteract the belief inside:

Things will never be this good again.

I falter.

I flail.

I fall.

Here at the bottom, the only thing left to do is cry.

In the seemingly cruel reality of paradox, I know this is my only opportunity to fly.

As I weep into the Earth,

She holds me.

Not forcing me to rise,

but knowing that in Love,

I will begin the climb.

The Tree next to me tells me it’s time to leg go.

They know this is my only path to peace,

to remembering what I already know.

Death is but a new adventure,

a place we will all go to together.

It’s really not unknown,

because only in myth have we ever been alone.

I fall back into the Infinite,

and begin my journey-our journey to the Sky.

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Heart Warrior: Inside theFlames


My hardest battles have not been fought on a field or on the concrete blocks of life. 
My most hard-won battles have been the dark nights I lay in bed and endured the shrieks and cries of the demons taking residency in my mind. Their shameful shouts threatening my light…

The only way I find victory, or rather, transcendence, is by laying down my sword, putting all but my shield down. It’s not so much a battle as it is a refusal to take part. The demons continue to yell and shout, projecting their own fears onto me, repelled back by the Truth I still hold.

From the fierce love in my heart, I breathe a ring of fire around me. Around us. I watch the demons dance around the circle,​ on the other side of the flames, their shadows cast beyond the light. They can’t touch me here. Inside the flames, in the space of protection my heart created, I tend to the frightened and confused inner child within. Standing my ground, I take hold of her face with my pointer fingers gently pressed against her ears so she can’t hear the lies cast by the shadows. I look deep into her eyes, speaking without words, I let her know that she “is Good”. The only thing that matters ​is the love that bonds us. The only thing that matters is that we are together​. She is fiercely loved, and that is the only protection she ​will ever need. 

I look around and hear ​the demons now faint screams and watch as the ​shadows try to cling. I take a deep breath and ​exhale. The demons fade away on their own.

I am the Love Warrior.

You will never be alone.

In me, inside my flames, you will always be protected.

*********

I wrote this the morning after another battle, knowing the lies my mind were telling me and yet feeling all the intensity of my shadow self. Breathing my way to peace, while trying not to get caught in another round. This is the vision that came to me. And, with that, with these words, I have to pay homage to the other spiritual and Love Warriors that have influenced me, reminding me of this important archetype: Glennon Doyle (who wrote a book entitled “Love Warrior“. I tried to think of another title as not to mimic her work, but nothing better came to me) and Meggan Watterson (I was reading The Girl Who Baptized Herself at the time.)

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You are Worthy of A Dog

“Humans don’t deserve dogs.”

I’ve often heard this phrase, or some version of it, by fellow dog lovers. I think it’s often said in a way to relate to my absolute, profound love for not just “my” dog, but all dogs, and all animals. In that sense, I appreciate the kind gesture.

But I disagree. And agree.

I agree that dogs, and truly, all animals (especially our farm animal friends) are essentially little gods walking around: energetic beings of pure love and light.

*Domesticated animals can pick up on some human emotion, which is why even unsatisfactory behavior in animals should be treated with curiosity and compassion, as they are often doing exactly what makes sense in their brain at the moment.

Where I disagree is that we don’t deserve them. I actually think animals are here to show us unconditional love. To remind us of our worth. To teach us how to be more like them and bring us back to our root, our truth, of Love.

It’s actually the people the farthest away from this truth- that we are deserving of sacred, divine Love just as we are- and in turn reject Love*, that are most likely to treat animals in inhumane ways.

So, as much as I HATE any action that harms any animal, I don’t believe humans don’t deserve dogs, cats, pigs, cows. What I believe is that we need to learn how to accept Love, and remember it as our Truth.

*I’m not going to dive deep into in this post, but there a many reasons why humans learn to fear love and reject it, due to false beliefs like unworthiness.

**A lot of what I say does feel intuitive to me, or maybe its in part my social science/observational brain. And yet, much of what I say is now being show in research and books. My first recommendation is “One Child” by Torey Hayden, which I first read in undergrad.

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“Grateful”

Grateful.

I could also say “Grief.” Which really, says the same thing. Both belong to Love. 

I was briefly discussing this topic and dogs with my therapist yesterday (even as a therapist myself, it’s good to be seen by someone else)… we concluded with the fact that, “I love deeply.”

It pains me that perfect moments pass so quickly. Adventures end. Loves of our lives grow older. People die. Animals pass. Summer ends. Fall begins. Beauty shifts. Our days together won’t last forever. 

One day, “Pacer’s Pack”, won’t have our leader. Or rather, she will be pure Sunshine.

I try to savor. I try to be present. Yet when I hold on, when I cling, the pain is only worse. 
And so I just let go. I release the waterfall within. Currently, the my own water flow trajectory is at least once a week, sometimes at home on the floor, often in spaces where I know the Sky and Earth will hold me. This pattern has been monthly for more years that others may warrant as necessary. But I will stand strong in my deep empathy, my love. Things are still good, We are still agile, but my mind projects into the fading future, as well as the current breezes. 

In the end, it is only Love. It is all Love. 

I cry in grief. I cry because I am so goD damn grateful. I cry because I love so deeply. 

And if that is the greatest burden of my life, it is also the greatest gift. 

…and when I die, may I fade into Love and never know the difference.

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When I say dog, what I really mean is Love

When I say grief,
what I really mean is Love.
When I say pain,
what I really mean is my perceived absence of it. 
When I say fear,
what I really mean is that I have forgotten.
When I say dog, 
what I really mean is Love.
When I say Love,
what I really mean is that I have remembered.

***

Fear was created when we first felt separate from our parents or caregivers. When our needs or emotions weren’t met with care and compassion. To an infant or child, our earliest caregivers represent Love, or God. This is to stay it is during this time we truly felt separated from Love, which created fear in the body. Through developed mental processes, that fear materialized into stories of unworthiness and not enoughness. This created shame in the body, and further perceived separateness from Love. 

To remember who were are is to connect back to Oneness, to Love. We have to let go our stories, free (allow) the stuck emotions to be experienced, and surrender back to Love. Which takes Trust, because most of have forgotten a time when it was there. (Dogs and other animals can help remind us.) So ultimately, your trust fall is letting go of fear and falling back into Love.

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You Can’t Find Me There

“You can’t find me there.”

Today, on what would have been my “older” sister’s 41st birthday, I find myself searching for grief. I find a little, but no tears fall. Part of me feels guilty, like I should feel sad, like I still should be mourning her “too short life”. Guilty, knowing this might be my last post on my sister’s birthday. Like I should continue to feel weird for being physically older than my older sister ever got to be. Yet, I can hear my sister say, “You can’t find me there.”

And in truth, I know what she means. She’s free. She’s expanded. No longer bound by the limitations of human perception. The part of me that clings to grief as a way to connect, the part that tries to hold on to grief… while they served a purpose, those parts aren’t actually me.

So when I search for grief, I must dive so far into the well that at the bottom, I only find love. Then, when I find myself swimming in the joy of that Love, I know I’ll find her. I’ll be reminded that actually, we’ve never not been- we’ve always been- connected.

While my path back to finding her has been nothing short of wayward and wanderlust, she’s always been sending me signs, whispering “You can meet me here. You can be free now, too.” (while still incarnated). Just the other week, I was driving back home and asking for a sign on what to do. Before I could fully comprehend what was happening “Can’t Stop the Feeling” by Justin Timberlake (one of Amanda’s songs) comes on the radio while an RV pulls in from of me that says “T-Align”! The synchronicity of this is that my nickname for my older sister growing was “T” (and for the life of me I can not remember why) and lately I had been playing around the idea “what does it feel like to align with my True Self”?

Somedays, I can almost feel my sister holding my hand, just as I did for her when she was finding her way back Home and letting go of her human identity. She’s guiding me back toward the light, the truth of who I am. Who we are. Knowing that, if you are reading this, you came to earth for self-realization. To remember you are a soul in a human body. Away from the falsities and myths and limitations of the ego. She’s leading me back towards my deepest desire, to be free.

Here, I hear her say, “Yay!”

*Please be respectful of and honor your own journey with grief. There’s no time lifeline and no agenda on your path.

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Freedom & Death

And isn’t freeing to know…
…that we are all going to die?

That everything matters…
…and nothing matters?

Soon, it will all disappear.

The clothes and cars, yes. The people too. And you, the human.
The human with the stories, beliefs, and attachments. The story of you.
The limitations. The doubt. 

So yes-

Go thrust yourself into the beauty of life.
Climb that mountain.
Have your adventures.
Dance under the stars.
No, better yet…
dance in front of a crowd a let everyone whisper, “I wish I was more like her.”
Become her. You are Her. Free.

Know this too:

The mountain that you didn’t climb,
the adventure you never had,
the relationship you were never in
-those things never really mattered.

Your perception of wrong or right, 
bad or good,
you can’t take those when you go.

So laugh, cry, sing.
Release and die into the moment.

Letting go.
Back to stardust.
Back to Light. 

Share

****

While we’re in these physically bodies, it is important we live, but live without the pressure of living and doing “things right” or trying to do “everything”, because then we’re living in fear, not love. Yet love is often a forgotten state for many of us, and it is through the death of our limitations- our beliefs, our stories of not enooughness, our shame, and the continual allowing and surrender of our emotions- that we can return to love. And so, it is through the “death” or our small self, that we can become free while incarnated, then reclaim our small self that is now inspired by Love rather than fear. 

***I alway feel like I have to add this too, to cover my therapist basis. It’s never us, unless it’s really our time and then there is no choosing, that wants to die. It is always a PATTERN or a PART. It’s a shame-based belief system that our soul is ready to let go of. That is, essentially, what is asking to be seen, loved, and let go of/die. Our souls want us to experience the joy of being alive.

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Meant to Be

If you were supposed to be “healed” by now, you would be.

If you were meant to have won that race, you would have.

If you were meant to still be with that person, you would be.

If you were meant to get that job, you would have.

If you were supposed to be father along by now, you would be.

If those plans were supposed to work out, they would have.

If that person was supposed to still be here, they would be.

If you were mean to make a different decision, you would have.

If life were meant to be different than it is right now, it would be. 

Breathe.

Everything that has happened was meant to happen. 

Everything that didn’t happen wasn’t meant to happen.

Everything that is meant to happen, will happen.

Breathe.

Here is where you will find your peace.

Suffering lies in the shoulds, attachments, and wishes of things being different than they are.

You have power, just not control (of the external).*

This doesn’t meant we stop learning or growing. In fact, this is the catalyst for growth.

Now that we know what happened is what was meant to happen, we CAN grow, as guilt and shame are what block us from blossoming. Acceptance, curiosity, and love become fertilizers. 

Breathe.

You are right where you are meant to be.

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You Can Set Yourself Free

The mind often likes to try and figure everything out, but really it’s a way to keep us stuck. To the lower mind, having an explanation will appear to give us safety, but this is a false theory.

It’s often better for us to recognize our own emotions and belief systems around the event, feel what we need to feel, and let it go.

For instance, after a breakup with someone we believed to “be the one”, our mind will try to create stories on why it didn’t work. Sometimes we blame it on ourselves, sometimes we blame it on them. We think we’ll feel better if we just had closure. We try to speak to the person and are denied, or we get the same confusing answers and no closure is given. Our mind continues to problem solve, keeps looping in its limited perspective, and we stay in grief, anger, and fear.

This is obviously not helpful. It’s better to simply know that the person, especially at a soul level, does love you, but they were/are stuck in their own wounds, stories, and fears, just as you were at the time, and hence why you were attracted to one another. Now, you get to empathize with your own emotions, uncover your own limiting stories, and let them go. And maybe to, you understand that this was all part of a Divine Plan to bring you back into clarity of your true self and deeper forms of love than what is often seen at the human level.

You can set yourself free.

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