Musings

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Unravel

Healing isn’t found in the past, but in unraveling from it.

Some people give therapists bad raps for “just talking to people about their problems”. And I’m like “whoa, that’s not my job description.” But honestly… it is part of it, for a very good reason: Some people have never had a safe place to talk and experience their emotions, so just letting them talk and feel lets them know they’re okay, they’re safe, and just that can be healing.

And then the unraveling begins.

I‘ll just say a bit on this for now: You’re not who you think you are. (Take that Descartes). You’re identity (unless you’ve already unraveled) is a configuration of all your thoughts and beliefs and emotions experienced (or suppressed) from throughout your life time, but mainly, BEFORE THE AGE OF 8. Which means most of it’s subconscious (just below the surface of your awareness), especially as much of what you learned came from what you saw, what you felt, and the stories you created from it. And unless you were held and loved the majority of time you experienced big emotions, those stories probably aren’t good.

That sounds like a lot, I know. Breathe. (No seriously, breathe. Full belly breaths. It’s one of the best things you can do to heal your nervous system, which is probably out of whack from all those fear/not enough stories you’ve been telling yourself.)

The good news is, you can unravel. You can be free!

And your triggers (whatever sets off a big emotional response, or even depression can be a start) can get you there.

Here’s my basic process:

-Identify the trigger.

-Name the emotion (if possible) and BrEathe with it. This creates some safety.

-See if any past memory “floats” up. (To use EMDR phrasing)

– What was the story little you came up with to make sense of what was happening?
(ie. Dad is never home and doesn’t want to spend time with me. I must be unlovable.)

-Drop the story, and once again just BrEathe with the emotion. What does little you need?

-What’s a new story, one that you’d prefer to believe? (This is where you get to create!)

Last, remember the healing path is non-linear- it’s The Wanderlust Path- and it’s OKAY that it doesn’t come all at once. You’ll probably have to do this many times. But that’s okay, because you’re worth it.

As always, only if it feels good and empowering: https://buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver/unravel

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If You’re on a Non-Linear Path, You’re on the Right Path

The path to healing, growth, and evolution isn’t linear. It’s not something to get frustrated about (but do honor your emotions). These obstacles and road bumps (different from roadblocks and closed doors) are actually signs YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH!

In fact, we know that obstacles and challenges are not only what make us stronger, but bring us closer to our true, most awesome (and authentic), selves.

Accepting this truth, that challenges are signs we’re on the right path, can keep us from getting stuck. It’s when we judge ourselves, “Why am I here again? I thought I healed this!” that we’re resisting the lesson and blocks us from 1) the opportunity to apply what we learned the last time and 2) prevents us from being curious*, “Hmm, why is this happening again?” “Why is this repeating?” “What do I have to learn here?” “How can I love myself more?”

* Curiosity is different from “trying to figure everything out”, which has more of a fear energy. Oh, self-judgement will never get you to healing, either!

This idea, that the path to healing and growth often happens in loops and includes challenges, can be applied to athletes too.

When I work with athletes who get injured, they usually end up working with a PT, commit to correcting poor form, or to consistently performing exercises that target underused muscles. When that athlete comes back, they’re not only physically stronger, but more mentally resilient for having gone through the challenge. There’s a new belief, a new resilience in them that says, “I can move through challenges and not only be okay, but be closer to that highest version of myself.”

A slight reframe: The path to healing and self-evolution is really the journey of transformation. Usually, we metaphorically think of this as​ the process of being a caterpillar to​ becoming a butterfly​*: First, we are a caterpillar. Then, we wrap ourselves inside a cocoon. Third, we become MUSH, obsolete. From the mush, we transform into butterflies. But in order to REALLy be a butterfly, we have to fight our way out of the cocoon. 

​*The caterpillar and butterfly share the same DNA, but the genes are expressed differently. That, in itself, is metaphorical. Article Link

But what I really see for most people is little transformations inside a BIG transformation. Maybe we go through a small transformation in a few months or 1 year period, but then in 7* years, BOOM! We’re this new, amazing being flying high and living our best lives. (In other words, don’t give up. You’re right where you’re meant to be.)

*On AVERAGE, our body’s cells renew every 7 to 10 years. However, some cells are replaced every few days, and others take 70 years. Article Link

…And then there’s probably another evolution, but this time it’s easier because we’ve done it before and this higher version of ourselves knows that THIS IS A SIGN WE’RE ON THE RIGHT PATH.

As always, only if it feels empowering: https://buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver

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Throw Your Hands Up!: The Joy of Surrender

Surrender doesn’t have to be an exasperated throwing up ​of your hands in despair, saying “I’ve give up.”

Surrender can be throwing your hands up in the air with a big “Yay!” I don’t have to figure everything out. I don’t have to do this alone!” 

Because really, you can trust a Higher Power. Your mind just doesn’t know that. (Endless hours spent on decision-making, anyone?)*

Surrender is allowing yourself to be fully Loved, despite any stories your mind has come up with to stay otherwise.

Surrender is trusting that you are Love, and that Love is guiding you. That Love knows the way. 

Surrender is letting Love more through you, fully. 

Really, it’s an act of enlightenment. It’s an act of celebration.

****

*Okay, so why do you overthink and are relatively certain that you can’t trust an inner voice or Higher Power to guide you? Great question!

For many of us, Love, or a decision we made, was invalidated or in some way made bad, like it negatively affected our parents. This is a big wound Gabor Mate talks about…when a child becomes an emotional caretaker for a parent (https://youtu.be/tool-R8VJ2Y?si=IbY20B8dPBzasdYG). Anyway, what happens then is that we create a story, usually about ourselves, about how we were wrong and in some way defected, so then all of these voices (based on a multitude of various experiences) try to come in to help us make the best decision…and that’s how we end up feeling crazy. Parts work is a great way to start to unravel from all these voices, but also…meditating, belly breathing, or any activity that quiets the mind can help us “hear” (for me, its more of a felt sense then translated by the mind) our Inner Guide**. 

** I know, I keep switching out Love, Higher Self, Inner Guide…go with what resonates for you.

Extra: It’s actually been really helpful for me to keep track​ of when I make a decision based on my mind vs one made from my heart, or intuition. I’ve often been amazed by some of the outcomes, which makes me want to trust it more…and it gives those “fear parts” some reassurance. 

As always, no pressure and only if it feels empowering: https://buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver

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You are Your Purpose

Yesterday, as I was doing my normal uphill laps at our local ski resort, a gentleman who I had met and talked to in December stopped me. He said, “I told myself if I saw you again, I would stop you and say thank you for being so kind to me the day we talked.” Even as I type this, I feel happy, meaningful tears well up in my eyes. 

Even though I’m a therapist and a coach, I haven’t always felt like I’m living my purpose in this world, which is really just to be a light so I can mirror others’ own light back to them. I don’t always show up as the highest version of mySelf. And really, I know that’s because there’s so much darkness that still clouds my mind, which I know are just stories and old beliefs. 

And maybe that’s the work I still haven’t done. To truly reframe those old beliefs, let go of the shame, and allow the true me to unravel. Maybe it’s been a subconscious form of self-sabotage, not really believing I could do it or that I was worth the effort of creating a new narrative. 

Yet this man, giving me my gift right back, saw it. Saw the unwounded, unbound version of me. Without using words, he told me “You are your purpose.”

Because really, the more I’ve done my own inner work…the more I’ve BrEathed with my emotions, traced them back to core memories and witnessed the stories my mind created, the more I KNOW that we are all, inherently, enough. Anything else truly is just a story. We are all worthy of divine, unconditional love. 

****

A few notes: 

1). I usually ski on Tuesdays. It’s my favorite day to go because it’s the quietest. But after a client cancelled, I checked in with my intuition (something I’m very much just still practicing with) and I felt like Monday was the optimal choice.

2) That morning, I had done one of my favorite Gabrielle Bernstein exercises, “The Daily Design Method” (below) and I practiced feeling into my answers, envisioning how I wanted to feel in the things I knew I would be doing that day. This exercise, or any meditation focusing on feeling into your future or highest self, can be really powerful, and relates to what I mentioned about shedding the past and reframing old beliefs- or creating new ones altogether. 

-How do I want to feel today?

-Who do I want to be today?

-What do I want to receive today?

-What do I want to give today?

3. I want to be clear on this- therapy often gets a bad wrap for just “talking about problems”. While that can certainly be a component (a lot of people do feel better by just sharing, and it creates a sense of emotional safety), that’s actually a very tiny part of therapy. What it does entail finding compassion for ourselves, often by visiting old memories, the beliefs we created from them, and understanding our development. By unravelling, our true selves can emerge. IFS empathizes Self being revealed, while EMDR focuses on a structured process of past, present, and future, with the last phase being the true integration of how we want to feel and what we want to believe. This can be done in other ways, of course, like using the exercise above and meditations. But if we don’t get through some of the old cobwebs, blocks, or victim mentality (feeling hopeless or unworthy), it’s really hard to convince someone they deserve to feel good, as I believe, was my case (which was super subconscious).


As always, no pressure/only if it feels empowering: buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver

Instagram video: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DHosWSQylYJ/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

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Cloudy Days

On cloudy days, we know the sun is always right behind the clouds. It hasn’t disappeared, we just can’t see it.
The same thing goes for when our minds are clouded by negative thoughts. Our own inner light, as well as the light of Source, is always right there. 

And so, our thoughts are like clouds. It is only the stories we tell ourselves, and allowing them to build up, that block us from seeing the sun. When we see a thought earlier on (you might catch the emotion first, then the thought), we can notice it without attaching too it, and allow it to pass, so the sun is still felt.

This, my love, takes practice. Sometimes, when you’re feeling cloudy, you might just simply have to remember you’re not thinking clearly, and take some deep breaths. 

Your breath acts like the wind…breathe fully into the emotion (just the emotion, dropping the story), and let it begin to move with the exhale. Repeat. 

If there’s no movement, the thought or belief might be stuck. That’s okay. Again, this takes practice. Wait until another time, when you’re feeling some light, to get curious about the belief and its orgin.

Remember, the sun is always shining.

Absolutely no pressure! But if you find my writing valuable and have an extra few bucks, you’re welcome to “buy Pacer a treat”: buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver

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May You Be Free

From the depths of my soul
to the words that leave my
slightly dry and cracked Colorado lips
and to the energy that escapes my fingertips…

From the cages of your mind
and the stories that bind…

May you be free.

Is it time that heals
or each line that you unwind?

May you be free.

The pain is the stain
in the reality you perceive,
not the names you’ve slain,
but the blocks to what you may receive.

May you be free.

“If only, if only” is the futile game of the past,
memories you try to rehash,
never meant to last.

And in our attempts to protect
ourselves from the neglect
we pass fear on as the effect.

Yet it is from the past your soul tries to break free…
Free to allow all that may be.

May you be free.

The shame that you carry is not ingrained
in your name
and it is in vain
that you try to make yourself better when…
When you have always been enough.

Maybe if you just paused you would see.
Then you could let the old version of you leave.

“Let go, let go” of all that you think you know
and surrender to the flow.

May you be free.

You fear losing all you hold dear,
your love is sincere,
but in the grief of death,
is a new breath.

May you be free.

Love lies in the fall.
It is the place where pain is erased
and your soul escapes…
You return to the truth of it all.

May you be free.

God is not a person or place.
God is not a being found in the sky.
God is the energy that flies.
You are God, you body is just the vase.

May you be free.

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Her

If you want to know Her…

…you have to let Her come to you.

If He is the Sun, She is the Moon…

Mysterious and wild.

You must be willing to let go of any stories you’ve read about Her. Drop any preconceived notions about who she was and supposed to be, and allow Her to show you exactly who She is.

Anything else, and She won’t feel “safe” enough to reveal Herself to you. She will never abandon you, but She will only go where She knows she is accepted, where She is free.

****

*”Safe”, I agree, is an interesting word choice, but it’s the best word that came to me. She, the Divine Feminine, the Divine Mother, the Goddess, doesn’t really have a “fuck you” attitude, but She is- in how She shows up for me- fierce and graceful. So it’s not so much that she needs protection, but She’s not going to move in places where there is resistance to Her. Or, personally, if my mind is lending to the fear stories in my mind, I can’t hear Her.

**A little celebration: I, or a version of me I am transforming, is extremely indecisive. Last night, I got flustered and frustrated when I couldn’t choose what route I wanted to ski. But I tapped into a state of “knowing” (really, just telling myself “I am someone who knows and doing a quick 3 second I’m just going to decide (thank you Gabby Bernstein) exercises this morning, and I made the decision that my mind less approved of because it was the easier route, but I heard HER, just over that fear. And somehow, amazingly, I got to the trail just before the city workers did, who were plowing the road for the next mile because it was melting fast and they wanted to give the ski mobiles a little more time, allowing them to part at the next trailhead. But the awesome city work let me park my car in the road (I drove up a bit to drop my gear off and Pacer’s Supergirl Sled before planning on hiking back up), closed the gate behind me, and we had Cottonwood Road ALL TO OURSELVES! I really couldn’t have planned that better. So thank you, Divine Feminine /my intuition.

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Love & Attention

Attention is not Love, but attention IS an important way we show Love.

When parents take time every day to put down their phones, work, and even to-do list to offer their full presence to their child(ren), they’re sending the messages: You matter. I care about you. You’re safe with me. Similarly, in a relationship, when one partner send a text to the other such as “I’m thinking of you” even on a day their busy, or on other days responds back in an appropriate time frame (this is absolutely individual and can vary by daily circumstance, but let’s say 1-3 hours) and makes time for a date or at least a phone call, their saying, “This relationship matters to me.” “I care about you.” This builds safety, which again, may not be Love in and of itself, but it is closely intertwined. 

So let me say it again: Attention is not love, but it is an important way we show Love. Attention says “You matter.” Existentially, attention says, “You exist.” But, because we so often conflate attention for Love, we can mistake negative attention for Love. On one side: At least we are important enough to have someone mad at me, be treated poorly, even abused. On the other hand, even hate can feel like Love, when it’s really just the chemical effect of attention: They hate me, which means I’m important (perhaps not conflating both attention and power with Love).

On an internal framework, this is the basis behind parts work. When we give the shadowed parts (as an example, think of your emotions when you get triggered) of ourselves attention they often ease up. I usually tell my clients that our parts are like little kids inside of us, just asking to be noticed (and treated with curiosity and compassion), and usually they’ll settle. 

Your attention is not power, but it is powerful. Use it with Love. 

* I’ve heard other professionals say attention is a form of Love, and I don’t disagree. I think it’s more of a matter of the subtle difference in how we’re defining the word. If we want to play semantics, I might say that “presence” is a better equivalent to Love. 

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Heart Talk

I lay in bed with a hand on my chest, feeling the almost rhythmic beat of my heart (I’ve had a slight, non-harmful arrhythmia, since my early 20s). I listen to the soft pounding coming from inside of me, a change from the normal external tuning. 

I feel like my heart is trying to speak to me, but it’s coming through in morse code, or perhaps an ancient language that I once understood, but now has long forgotten.

“What are you trying to tell me?”, I ask and plead at the same time. 

My heart just keeps beating. Perhaps a little quicker and louder now, in response to my desperation. 

While my mind believes it always has all the answers, a suspicious part of it believes my heart holds a secret. I suspect that once the secret is revealed, it will put an end to all my mind’s suffering and finally quell its endless thirst to know everything. Or at least, this is a lie my mind tells itself, because it really just wants love and safety, but that sounds too vulnerable, too childlike to admit. 

The paradox is that I know my heart does hold the key, but my demand that it speak in a language I can understand and fix everything I believe is wrong is exactly what closed the pathway between my mind and heart. I suppose we could also call it fear, which I can feel in the gentle constriction of my neck. 

I breathe, realizing I’m in a state of anxiety again. It always sneaks up on me, without my knowing. It’s a learned response to not trust. Not trust in myself, in light, in Love. My anxiety never feels safe. But I’m learning that perhaps, fear is the lie. 

I remind myself to relax. That all is well. I am safe in my bed and hear my dog’s sleepy breathing close to me.

I put down my pen and turn off my lamp. I know my heart will speak when it is ready, when I am quiet enough to hear it.

*** 

The next day as I’m driving, I hear my heart simply say, “I’m right here.”

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(Just for) Attention

I spend each night simply feeling my emotions.

I’ve got at least 30+ years of them suppressed and repressed inside of me.

Not because of parents who didn’t care, just parents who weren’t there. Or maybe there, but didn’t know how to comfort an alien (re: very sensitive) child.

So now, it’s a fight. But I resist the urge to text an ex.

I simply breathe into the anxiety in my chest. “It’s just a feeling”, I tell myself.

Yet I can’t deny the glow of my phone and I give it one quick scroll.

Really, I’m hoping one of them, or anyone, messaged me first.

Really, I just want the attention.

I know it’s a drug, but my mind calls it love.

It’s a quick fix.

A yearning I’m trying to nix.

“They” say if I sit with this feeling, this anxiousness, this yearning-
this fear- long enough, that eventually what I seek I shall find within me.

How much longer?

I am filled with faith and doubt. Hope laced with despair.

Self-love hasn’t been a thing since…

ever?

But I’ve been practicing.
With a little parts work and some psycho ed, I’ve started to quiet the voices in my head.

I know “enoughness” is only a game the ego plays.

I understand the stages of development and early childhood programming,
how unsupported emotions turn into stories that turn into nightmares.
It’s all in the subconscious.

In theory, I understand it all.

But this yearning…

I continue to breathe. Being with myself, the good parent, the nurturing mom, as best I can. I allow my inner child to be as she needs. I don’t encourage her stories. I just offer her my presence instead.

And for tonight, that will have to be, enough.

I rest.

******

Most of us mistake attention for love, as attention to a child is being seen by a parent. And if a child is at least seen, they’re safe. Safe-ish. Which is why even negative attention is good, as it at least proves our existence. What most of us really wanted as a child is our parents or caregivers’ presence. Presence, in a way, is god-like. Presence, in pure form, is love. A child who cries and can turn to a parent in their vulnerable state and simply be held, regulated by the gentle rise and fall of their parent’s chest, feels safe, feels loved, and can process their emotion and move on without an emotion being trapped by a story the mind created to make sense of a situation. In psychotherapy, we usually call a child who received this regularly “securely attached.” The rest of us didn’t develop that way, not because we weren’t loved, but because our parents or caregivers were simply passing down what they learned, and most likely, were doing better than their parents did, or could do. 

If you have this wound, there’s a good chance you continually find yourself in relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, or simply feel confused, hurt, and unseen when a relationship ends. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s an opportunity to go within and be your own healer. We, YOU, can heal all of this by “re-parenting” yourself with the unconditional love (some of your parts will refute this at first) you always deserved. One of the best steps I have found is simply to turn towards (as much as feels safe) an emotion as a witness (rather than attaching to it) and simply take deep breaths into the heart and belly. This isn’t a “one and done” thing. It’s a continual practice, allowing our inner child to trust us by repeatedly showing up for his/her/their needs and being the loving presence they have always deserved.

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