Ray of Sunshine

April 4, 2022

Mountain of the Misfits: The Adventure of Not Fitting In

“We’re a couple of misfits
We’re a couple of misfits
What’s the matter with misfits
That’s where we fit in!
….
We may be different from the rest
Who decides the test
Of what is really best?
We’re a couple of misfits
We’re a couple of misfits
What’s the matter with misfits
That’s where we fit in!”

-“We’re a Couple of Misfits”, Burl Ives (from The Island of Misfit Toys)

[_{Note: When I talk about fitting in vs. belonging, I’m often going off Brene Browns work. To paraphrase in my own words, fitting in is needing to change who you are, or making yourself a certain way, to fit into a group. Belonging is being accepted for exactly who you are, free to be your true, authentic self. Often when working with younger clients, I see the need to fit in as something negative. As an adult who can choose to only surround myself by people who accept me for who I am, I wonder if fitting in has value…for example, we choose different groups to hang out with based on interest, hobbies, etc. If we’re a bowler hanging out with a bunch of skiers, I may belong but not fit in.]}

For most people, the affirmation “I am enough” is empowering.

The opposite is true for me. I have always been…

Nice, enough.
Pretty, enough.
Athletic, enough.
Smart, enough.

Enough to get by.

Nice and pretty enough to make it through the high school cliques and college clubs. Nice, pretty, smart, and athletic enough not get bullied and move around different groups, without fitting in to any. Depending how much energy I had, I could hide behind athletic gear or school books to stay out of the way or present to the world a facade of looking like I fit in.

I never did.

That’s not to say I never belonged. I have a group of 5 friends from high school (some from elementary school) that I still see at least once a year. While they may still good-naturedly make fun of me and my lack of millennial technological abilities, they have always fully appreciated me for my oddities.

In my late 20s, I joined an intimate group…a cohort of graduate students training to be wilderness therapists. As we were becoming helpers an healers, our program required each of us to go deep inside of ourselves and share our vulnerabilities in the heart of Mother Nature, the one place I have always felt I belonged. My cohort was patient with me. It took me nearly 2 years and weeks of backcountry travel (hiking, climbing, paddling), but eventually I felt like I was part of the group, part of the Whole.

In my 30s, I realized some people appreciated me fore my eccentricities, I think because it allowed them to be more themself too, and it helped me embrace them.

Still, I felt trapped between two worlds…or perhaps, a world I never belonged to.

“If you feel like you don’t fit into the world you inherited it is because you were born to help create a new one.” – Ross Caligiuri

_{*To be clear, I will admit that part of my current personal work is looking at how I create more distance by the story I tell myself of how or why I don’t fit in and realizing that the distance is a protection/defense mechanism.}

The other weekend, I texted a friend: “I’ve told myself I belong 50+ times this weekend so far. Eventually it has to work, right?” (It wan’t even 8am Saturday morning).

He reaffirmed that I was not the ugly duckling, that I did belong, but I misread the rest and somehow came up with the message I needed to hear: You’re right, you don’t fit in.

And that felt good. Right. Comforting.

I don’t fit in, so there is no point into putting my energy into trying.

I don’t have a community like a friend said he finds in the ultra-running world. If I do have a community, its simply of all the other misfits.

Thinking about it more, I don’t know if there’s any other group I would want to fit in with. Fitting in with the misfits. The others who are just themselves.

We might be widespread. Or you might be reading my words. (I’m guessing most people have felt like a misfit at least a few times in their life). Know that I am grateful for you. You help me feel less alone.

In the meantime, I’ve got a wonderful small group of friends and family who love and accept me for exactly who I am. I have a friend who gets my empathic and spiritual side who I can explore big questions with. A friend who has had the patience to learn and understand how my mind works so I don’t have to apologize or explain myself when I’m off on another tangent.* A friend who is gay and non-binary who probably know what I feels like to be an outsider more than I ever will, and has shown me some of the most beautiful, free love I’ve known in this life. A twin sister who is way cooler than I am, but has and always will make sure I don’t feel too left out. Plus a dog who is just an extension of myself (well, maybe she’s my alter ego), who’s shown me unconditional love from day one.

_{*How many tangents have you counted in this post so far?!}

I’m hopeful I’ll get there one day too. A place of more than enough. Or perhaps simply enough for me. Acceptance. Self-love.

On a deep level, when I can access and step into my Higher Self, I know I’m exactly where I am supposed to be and who I am supposed to be. While I may be “me”, the notion that I am separate is a falsity, and one that I’ve seen cause dis-ease in a lot of people, maybe the world. Stepping back into connection with Nature has been the easy part for me. I’ve never felt anything accepted in Her arms and don’t take it personally when I get rained on. Stepping back into connection with myself is an active journey, but I’m on my way. As long as I’m not comparing myself to others (comparison: a fear that tells me “I’m not good enough”) I genuinely like myself…most of the time. Re-connecting with others has been harder, I think because of that fear. Realizing that other humans are an extension of the Whole, the Whole that I am also an extension of, offers me and them a little more grace and compassion.

…And here is the introvert part of me that hates small talk and prefers to ponder and dwell in big ideas. 😉

“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
― Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone

March 4, 2022

Big World

Little ity, bity me. Big, big world.

Somehow comforting.

My introversion: In cities, at parties, I feel lost.

My extroversion: In Nature, surrounded by mountains, I feel part of it all.

My work: To find harmony in each part.

My gift: To find beauty in each piece.

My struggle: To find harmony in my own parts and the beauty within me.

My help: Wind, the Great Connector.

My truth: Love is at my core.

Our truth: Love is at our core.

February 7, 2022February 7, 2022

Scarcity is a Myth

There is enough food for every mouth.
Enough wealth for every wallet.
Enough room for every woman at the top.
Enough love for every child. Adult. Dog. And living creatures on this Earth.
And you, my darling, have always been enough.

Scarcity is the child of fear and misguided power.
It holds us back. Sets up traps. A perceived lack.

Hope is infinite.
Kindness is infinite.
Beauty is infinite.
Love is infinite.

February 2, 2022

Connecting with Your Inner Winter to Grow Your Best 2022

*Article written for the Estes Park Trail Gazette: https://www.eptrail.com/2022/02/01/live-well-estes-2022/

On December 21st, we celebrated the first day of winter with the Winter Solstice. Unlike the Fall Equinox, where we shed our layers and leave old parts of us behind as we step into the darkness, winter is about the rebirth of the sun, or our inner light. Yes, it’s still ghastly dark for long periods each day and we often feel lost, like we’re aimlessly wandering around in a dark forest at night without a headlamp or compass, but slowly, minute by minute, the light is growing. Even before the promise of sunrise, if we can find our North Star, we have a flame to guide us.

We’ll get to the light, we always do. For now I’ll ask for patience as we accept the invitation of winter and immerse ourselves in the dark.

Did you ever wonder what would happen if we all just skipped winter? Well sure, we could all just go migrate to Florida for a few months. (The beach does sound nice right about now, doesn’t it?) Still, even Florida experiences darker days. The weather changes, as do the plants and habits of the wildlife. In Estes Park, we’re blessed to experience the full depth of winter. The harsh winds, cold nights, and bare trees. To the naked eye, not much is happening outside in the plant world. Everything looks dead. Yet healing is happening in this restful state, deep at the roots, under the soft blanket of snow provided by Mother Nature. Sadly, I actually don’t have to tell any Estes Park resident what happens when winter is skipped or only partially experienced. We’ve already seen the fires burn through. We need winter, just as spring needs winter, and all the other seasons.

Honoring and giving ourselves the space for our own Inner Winter is equally important. It includes several components, with rest, space for deep thinking and creativity more obvious pieces. In therapy, this is the time to do the underground work, the trauma work and the shadow work, when we start working at the root of deep wounds and begin the healing process. I won’t lie here either, this process can feel scary. It’s courageous work. What is important to remember is that we are never alone. Just as spring needs winter and each season needs the others, we all need each other too. Asking for help from friends, family, or a psychotherapist, is not only okay, it’s part of the healing process. Again, remember that healing deep wounds often happens slowly, much of it under the surface, wrapped under a blanket, and invisible to the naked eye.

In short, we’re shining a light to the dark corners of ourselves and our lives so they too can become part of the light. Shadow work, in short, is about acknowledging and accepting the parts of us that have been rejected or deemed unacceptable in the past. Truly, those are important parts of us. I’ll give you a few examples. I’ve met a lot of people who grew up in homes where it was not okay to express emotions. They were sent to their rooms when they were angry, or told to “stop crying” (or worse, to “toughen up”) when tears escaped their eyes. The issue is that we are all emotional beings, some of us even more tuned in to emotions than others. Often, when we are taught our emotions are not okay, we lose a part of ourselves. The only choice we have is to shut them down, go numb, or become depressed. Another common example is when I see adults who, as kids, weren’t allowed to reveal the masculine or feminine parts of themselves in order to fit societal standards. While I am thinking about the LGBTQ+ community, I’m really talking about all of us. We all have masculine and feminine parts to us, regardless of our gender identity. A few issues that I see when these parts of us are rejected include toxic masculinity and eating disorders, as well as anxiety and depression. The only way to heal is to acknowledge these shadow parts and accept them as essential to our beings.

And finally, the light. The rebirth of our own inner suns, slowly rising in us a little more each day.

What is the light? I hate to box it by defining it, but I would give it a few names: hope, love, meaning, purpose. Paradoxically, the more willingly we step into the darkness, the brighter our lights shine, even sparking the lights of others. This winter, we can utilize the light by setting an intention. What do we want to explore during winter? What changes/growth might we want to start preparing for in the spring? In less metaphorical terms, intentions are about how we want to feel and who we want to be in the world (which I would argue is already our true, authentic selves). If you get stuck there, examine your values and narrow them down to about five or so. Values are at the core of who we are as humans and help us make choices to keep us on our path. With values in our pocket, intentions as our map, and our personal North Stars to guide the way, I think we all might just be okay in whatever adventures 2022 brings.
May your light, and the light of others, guide you through the dark. Know that the light is always there, even if you can’t see it at the moment.

January 30, 2022January 30, 2022

Running Towards Adventure

He asked, “Do you want to run away with me?”

I said, “No.”

I have no need to escape.
I’ve faced my demons
and made friends.
I’ve walked directly into my darkness,
run into the moonless nights.
And found the sunrise.
I’ve dived into my past, spent time with the ghosts,
came back on with love
I’ve cried a million tears,
only to unearth a treasure of joy.

My shadows walk with me,
spirits of the Underworld,
right besides my angles,
loved ones passed.

So no, I can’t run away.
But I will run with you.
Along shores.
Up mountains.
Through forests.
Over hills.
Even on city streets.
Whatever calls to us,
asking to be explored.

The darkness, I know,
it will come again.
We can face it together.
Carrying our own light.

I asked, “Will you run towards this wild adventure with me?”

(And that’s how I ended up with Pacer! lol)

January 19, 2022

Illumination

Why is the darkness so enticing? Like the slow curl of an index finger, calling us in. Temporarily, the darkness offers us respite. A cocoon of security. The illusion is of its permanence, but truth in its ease. Perpetual safety that is not living, but a type of death.

It’s trick? Making us deny the wisdom of light. Light takes energy. It is energy. It gives energy. We are all sunshines and solar panels (or plant 🌱). Light has no limits beyond what the mind perceives. The light calls us to grow. It asks us to shine.

January 8, 2022

Imagination

And what you don’t understand is…

I only believe you’re real when you’re sitting next to me.
When you’re not here, I feel certain my brain made you up.
So even when,
You send me texts of security,
a voice inside me is screaming,
“Don’t be foolish, this is all just make-believe.”

January 8, 2022January 8, 2022

The Betrayal

I thought of you.
I didn’t forget.
Every moment I wished you were there.
I swear I did.

I know I only shed a few tears.
Last year I cried and cried.
But it doesn’t mean I missed you any less.

I cherish the moments someone says
“I can just hear Amanda now…”

I still wear my fun socks.
Listen to your CDs on the drive home.
Wrap myself in your sweaters.
Wait for a sign you’re near.

I know you understand.
My sadness couldn’t overflow forever,
Even if every year without you still feels unfair.

I’ll keep your candle,
Deep within my heart,
Burning.
Until I see you again.

Merry Christmas T.

January 5, 2022January 5, 2022

Pockets of Pain & Hope

I believe that there are some of us who walk this earth who carry just a little more pain with is than others. It’s like coins buried deep down in the pocket of your jeans that are destined to stay there for eternity. That’s the depth of our sadness, the coins a small, constant reminder of the pain, hate, and cruelty in the world. Its not necessarily a burden we carry, just a few coins of sadness that we’ll always carry with us in this life.

That doesn’t mean we are pessimists. For in the other pocket we always carry a few nickels of hope. While we know we can’t change the world or take away the pain, the hope activates us to at least make it a little better. In the darkness, we still find the courage to shine our lights.

As a spiritual being in human form, I can’t yet always prevent my light from growing dim, or keep out that voice of despair saying “this is too much pain”.

But then I’m reminded I’m not alone. Pacer sticks her snout under my arm and gives me her wide smile. I think of my family and friends.

You are the ones who give me the light to keep going and share it with the world. It’s all of you I am most grateful for in 2021.

Connecting with Winter to Support Your Emotional Well-Being. (My post from @WanderlustCounseling)

I think a lot of people get Winter Solstice (which we celebrated on Dec. 21st) confused with Fall Equinox.

Winter is actually about the re-birth of the light, the re-birth of the sun. Fall is about the coming darkness, as we shed layers and leave old pieces of us behind, and enter into the unknown. It’s really that period right before winter that is the darkest. It’s not uncommon for people to feel lost. I call winter the “Wanderlust 1” phase, while summer is “Wanderlust 2″…a time when we are fully ourselves, full of energy, and dancing in our brightness. In winter, the work is deeper. And even if we’re still wandering in darkness, if we can grasp onto the light, slowly getting brighter each day (even when we can’t see it behind the clouds), we have a North Star to guide us out of the night.
What is the light? That sun rising within us?

I would give it a few names…hope, love, meaning/purpose. But how I think we can utilize the light is by setting an intention. What do we want to explore during winter? What changes/growth might we want to start preparing for in the spring?

In therapy, this is the time to do the deep work. The trauma work, the shadow work*, when we start working at the root of deep wounds and begin the healing process. Let’s learn from the trees here too…when a tree is sick, other trees send over nutrients to help it heal (actually, there are plants, fungi, and mycelia involved too). In short, asking for help is not only okay, it’s often part of the healing process. Also remember that healing deep wounds often happens slowly, much of it under the surface, covered by a blanket of snow, and invisible to the naked eye.

*Shadow work, in short, is about bringing into light the parts of us that have been rejected or deemed unacceptable in the past. Truly, those are important parts of us.

May your light, and the light of others, guide you through the dark. Know that the light is always there, even if you can’t see it at the moment.

November 23, 2021December 4, 2021

Surrender

A poem within a word.
Carrying joy and sadness.
Hope and defeat.

Surrender.
The word itself flows like a stream.
Sometimes trickling.
Sometimes falling.
Always reflecting a glimmer of light.

I won’t let you go
Unless you ask.
Then I’ll send you off
With a wish, a tear, and love.

But if you choose to stay
We’ll jump in together.
Hand in hand.
I promise it will be a splash.
Following the current.
Riding the waves.
Catching the sparkles.
Surrendering to each other.
So free.
You and me.