"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ." – The Little Prince
Author: Ray of Sunshine
I consider myself first and foremost, a dog mom. Second, I consider myself an explorer, healer, and writer. To use more societally accepted labels, I'm a mental health therapist with a background in wilderness therapy, a running coach, and writer. My blog will share stories of growth, healing, mental wellness, the occasional running post, and of course, my adventures with my dog.
Failure may actually be one of the best and most efficient ways to get in alignment with the truest and highest versions of ourselves. A path to really living our best lives. …IF we can wrap failure in love.
The more mistakes we make, the more we learn how a choice or path isn’t for us, or we realize the way in which we are trying to get where want to be is out of whack (fear-based), and the more we have the opportunity to remember who we really are.
Which takes us to the blocks around failure. Shame (a topic I’ll talk more about how to work with soon) prevents us from evolving and seeing the failure, or simply the situation, with clarity. When we get lost in shame and stories of how we’re bad or not enough, we can be assured we’ve identified with our subconscious programming (small selves/ego) and NOT our Higher Selves. The irony is that the more we stay in shame (which believes we’ll make a better choice if we’re super mean to ourselves), the more likely we’ll take the take the wrong path again, make the same mistake, and fail again. (If the emotion is in you and still in the shadows, you probably won’t even know when you’re doing this.)
Yet, if we see failure through the lens of love, or rather, we love ourselves when we make a mistakes, we open ourselves up to new ideas, paths, and…to use a super spiritual word, EXPANSION. Loving energy helps us see new options and make more optimal choices (we’re past good or bad when we’re in this space).
Because we know we “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them”, to quote Albert Einstein (a super spiritual dude and scientist), it’s not thinking about being kind to ourselves that’s going to get us out of this one. Which to me, is a relief, because my neural pathways are pretty set on how I really did screw things up. (Yes, I’m right here with you on this topic.) In addition to working with childhood memories on how our shame got its origins, what we can start doing is FEELING into the energy of compassion. Personally, I have no problem doing this with my sister, my dog, my dad, etc. Once I conjure up this feeling thinking of them, I can then PRACTICE (it is a practice) turning it towards myself. Try it our yourself.
I’ve got a lot more to say about shame coming up, when I have time to write more of my thoughts down. For now, here’s some food for thought and some compassion to feel into.
One thing that I didn’t mention in my previous post on considering that every experience in your life is happening for you, even the one you don’t necessarily like, is that in addition to rising from victim mentality to to hero of your story (thank you, Joseph Campbell, for first writing about the “Heroe’s Journey”.), you’re entering a new reality.
Before I explain further, I’d like to thank the YouTuber who left a mean comment on my last video- all my haters seem to always come from YouTube. (I don’t actually upload any videos individually to YouTube, it’s just connected to my Substack, but I use YouTube often to listen to podcasts. Because I’m practicing becoming the focus of my attention (subject) rather than the outside world (object), I just turned off all my YouTube notifications. Look up Dr. Sue Morter if you’re interested in learning more about her “subject-object-subject” practice). I’ll return to the YouTuber and his (or the bots?) role in my evolution shortly.
What I’m going to attempt to do for you here is explain 3D to 4D & 5D reality super simply, as it’s taken me years to understand it.
If we take a situation and simply tell it as it is, the story, or plot, is pretty flat. “I have been injured.” What most of us do, from the place of victim mentality (which arises from unprocessed fear), is say “I’m so frustrated I’m injured. This is sucks.” While it is important to honor our emotions, the thing that keeps us stuck are beliefs such as “This is bad.” “Bad things always happen to me.” “I have no control over this.” And, while it is true that you might not be able to magically heal from the injury overnight, what you DO have the ability to shift is your perspective over what happened (in this example, the injury). This doesn’t mean you have to know why right away, but simply holding on to the belief that there is something for you in it can return you to a place of power, and perhaps paradoxically, actually support your healing. (Honestly, I don’t care if you believe everything happens for a reason or that you can simply choose to give any circumstance meaning…both are way more empowering then playing victim and labeling what happens as a negative experience.)
With that understanding, you can now create a new story around the plot. It might start with, “I’m injured. And part of me feels sad about it, but I also know that there is something for me here to support my growth.” Later, it might turn into, “As much as I didn’t want to be injured, it really helped me pause and go inward. I have more peace in my life now, because I learned how to create it within me, than I ever did before. I’m actually glad I got injured.”
Realizing this post is getting long and I have work to do, I’m not fully going to differentiate 4D and 5D reality (in truth, I’m also still trying to fully understand it) and because I wanted to get to the YouTuber story. The short version is that 4D reality says, “I don’t like my current reality, and I can DO things to change it”. 5D reality says “I don’t like my current reality. I can shift my inner experience (emotions) to BECOME a higher version of me, and ALLOW a new physical reality come to me.
Okay, one more short story. So let’s say I’m the hero of my story. I decided I’m the main Player in the video game called Life. When the YouTuber/Villian writes a mean comment, I first allow myself to feel and heal some of the emotions from my old victim programming. Then, I realize that the Negative Ned YouTuber/Villian is just another challenge for me to get to the next level. I realize he can 1) support me in my aforementioned) healing and 2) is trying to throw darkness my way so I continue to dim my light at stay at the level I’m at, 3D reality. Having been at the level so many times, continuing to fail and calling on another life, my soul, or Player is finally evolved enough to see another path. Actually, I realized the YouTuber isn’t an enemy I’m trying to fight off. He’s actually trying to support me in my journey and challenging me to NOT dim my light this time. With my light now actually brighter, I decided to share what I learned with other Players (You), so we can all start moving to the next level, or reality, together.
You will always receive exactly what you need for your highest possible evolution… if you accept the challenge as a gift.
Now I know…the idea of “everything happens for a reason” has often been poo-pooed upon by many as “toxic positivity”*.
*Positive psychology is highly misunderstood. It is a strength based process that doesn’t ignore problems but puts a larger focus on what is (going) right.
…And it’s absolutely not.
Part of the challenge is, in fact, feeling your emotions fully so you can uncover the wounds that are asking to be healed.
By accepting life as it is, and that even challenges have a gift for you, it takes you out of the victim mentality and back into a position of power. It’s an acknowledgement that you are the co-creator of your life.
Even in this belief, or knowing, you might not feel good at first. It still may take days and months (and sometimes even years or a lifetime) to process the emotions and experience. Yet now, you can keep moving forward.
(Personally, although I think I am speaking for many here, the victim mentality can keep me in a dangerously depressed state.)
You don’t actually have to like what you’re receiving (although your soul WILL be rejoicing). You just have to accept it. In that willingness, you’ve already stepped into a higher version of yourself.
Most of my clients come to me saying some version of, “I feel like I am at war with myself.” And they’re right. Most of our parts (identities), or various internal programs, are just battling it out inside our brain, with our wounded inner child hiding for cover.
Now, if I told my clients upfront that love and self-compassion were the answer they’ve been looking for, they might agree (or they’d at least agree self-hate was the problem), but they’d also probably roll theirs eyes, think “love is the answer” is a nice song lyric, and then inquire exactly what they need to do to heal.
And so instead, I’ll do some version of parts /shadow work, helping them see how their inner critic, judge, perfectionist, addict, saboteur, etc, is actually trying to protect them from a painful (emotional) childhood experience and allow compassion to come right on in and do its job. Simple, but not always easy. Some of us have built up a lot of resistance to love.
Let’s look at it this way…
Many militaries train those going to combat by using dehumanizing strategies (I’ve read some cool research being done within the US military, but unfortunately haven’t heard a lot of great stuff from vets I know). If every military taught empathy, how to see their “enemies” by understanding their childhoods via their upbringing (aka programming) (“Oh, no one was ever there for them either? He was abused too?) and that they too, were doing the best they could, how many would still be willing to go into battle? Throw in some self-compassion and self-forgiveness, realizing once again that our own inner demons are just kids doing the best they can to survive in an insensitive world, how many wars do you actually think there’d be?
We live in world of fake enemies, inside and out. Yet when we break it down and remember everyone- that we ourselves were once just innocent little kids wanting to be loved, we can start to soften. Going deeper, we realize all our hardened parts are the result of our little selves not receiving unconditional love and learned to turn towards fear (living in survival mode). From here, we can soften more.
And once we can love those kids, or “inner enemies”, and parts of us that got confused between the difference between love and fear, they heal.
*I was recently in a workshop with Dr. Sue Morter where someone asked what to do with the resistance that came up during a love-based meditation. She said “Just love that part of you” and that interrupts the cycle. I loved that answer too, as sometimes I think we can get stuck try to figure things out , and instead we can just go back to love.
Grief is the ultimate transformer. We can ignore it, we can shove it down, and we can try to keep ourselves sewn together. Or, we can allow it to break us open.
Open into new dimensions of love.
The brain says grief is about loss. The heart says it’s about allowing yourself to expand into new dimensions beyond the physical body.
When we lose a loved one (human or animal), experience a break up, lose everything, we think “I can’t do this. This grief is too much for me to bear.”
The blessing is we don’t have to hold it alone or keep it within the confines of the physical body. When we surrender to the grief and allow it to move, letting go of the story line, we open up to a power bigger than ourselves, an energy beyond our physical bodies, and energy that allows us to feel all of the grief built up inside of us. And, it is from this higher perspective that we can see more clearly and from this expanded energy we can feel with more clarity, knowing that is was all really Love.
Here, we are reunited with all that we thought was lost and remember the truth of our being.
I started writing this on “Good Friday”, a day of mourning and reflection for many Christians.
That morning, while playing in the annual spring snow storm with my dog in Colorado, I wondered if I could still send my Catholic parents our weekly “Happy FriYay!” text.
After my mom sent a “Good Friday blessings” sticker to the group chat, I again texted my twin sister and again debated the question.
Meanwhile, as my sister and I were texting back and forth, my 13 year old cousin already texted back to the group chat. “Happy FriYay!”, she said.
I admired, in awe.
While baptized and with a few years of PSR (Parish School of Religion) under her belt, my cousin is less indoctrinated into the history of shame I had grown up in, having myself spent K-8th grade in Catholic school.
Historically, today was a day we were supposed to feel guilty, as it was embedded in us that Jesus had died for our sins. And as sinners, we must repent and mourn. I won’t even get into the projection of sins and the psychological effect this has on a 1st grader.
But did Jesus really say we should all mourn and feel the burden of shame for centuries to come?
I’m not an expert in the Bible, but I’m pretty sure there is no passage where Jesus tells someone they are a bad person for making a mistake, to feel shameful, and to go repent and prove they are worthy of God’s forgiveness.
Actually, I’m pretty sure Jesus forgave. Even to those who supposedly killed him, the Bible passage is, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
I’m pretty sure Jesus, having already reached enlightenment as a human, just forgave and kept on preaching compassion and loving your neighbor, no matter what. (Don’t ask me how so few people in the church see the above as “conditional love”, or fear based conditioning. In school, we weren’t supposed to ask questions.)
Before I move on though, let me say I don’t hate organized religion. There’s so much beauty, so much kindness, charity, and healing that can happen just from having a community. And not all religions and churches flip the love script to such a fearful degree. I will also forever be grateful to the Catholic Church for helping my parents find solace and healing after losing siblings, their parents, and then their daughter (my older sister).
What I am saying is, let’s preach real, true, unconditional love. (It’s a little silly that I have to put so many adjectives before the word “love”. Love should just mean love, but sadly it’s been turned on us so many times where it’s become necessary.) This means loving others when they believe different from us, and knowing if God doesn’t have an ego, They probably don’t care what we believe, either. (Personally, I don’t believe in god as a single entity, but the unification of all of us, all consciousness, as One Divine Being.)
Beyond shame for our sins is an acknowledgment of our mistakes of forgetfulness. And by forgetfulness, what I mean is we only act poorly when we’ve forgotten the truth of who we are. If we are from God, if we are a slice of the pie (to paraphrase Wayne Dyer), we are all Rays of Light, made out of pure Love. It’s only when we forget this, believe in scarcity, and that we create and act out of fear. So what is important is realizing that this world has a history of crucifying those who preach Love, being it Jesus or Martin Luther King Jr., as well as leaving women out of the picture as much as possible. And while we’d all like to believe that we would have followed Jesus or MLK, the numbers show that most likely, we wouldn’t have. Which is why it’s so important that we look at our shadows now. The parts of that not only made mistakes and acted out of fear, but the parts of us that believe we’re not enough, that we are not already inherently worthy of all the Love of the Universe.
That leads to the main focus of this sermon: What does it mean to rise?
Which, My Loves, my first be better answered in the question: What does it mean to die?
In spiritual communities, what we often say is that we all have the opportunity to die, often many deaths, before our physical departure. Actually, this is what Nature shows us too, as each seasonal cycle spins from nothingness, to growth, to fullness, and then death, back to nothingness. That is, before a rebirth. The physical body dies, but the energy, the Love, continues.
What if death was simply a letting go of all the parts of us that were created out of forgetfulness, created out of fear? The parts of us that tell us mean stories about ourselves in our head, that like to criticize, and control. The parts of us that act out of greed or that were willing to do anything, just to feel better?
And what if we just forgive all those parts? It wasn’t their fault. They were just going off of the story they were told.
What if we just offer ourselves compassion?
Acknowledging where we slipped up, seeing the wound underneath, and offering to our old selves something like “I know you were doing your best. You just go scared. You believed you weren’t loved. You forgot that you are already Love. It’s okay. I remember now.”
And then we transform and transcend. We see the gifts and talents of our wounded parts. We rise above the stories of our head, the fear-based identities of our egos, and we return Home, back to our True Selves.
This isn’t the story I was told as a kid, but my belief is that Jesus, as well as Mother Mary, and Mary Magdalene, had already died before their deaths. They had already risen above the wounded stories of human kind and remembered that their true form was Light & Love. And so, when Mary Magdalene saw Jesus emerge from the tomb on Easter, it was because she had already attuned herself to the frequency of Love, so that day, she was not only meeting Jesus, but herself as well.
My Loves, if I haven’t made it clear already, we all have the opportunity to rise. Right here, right now.
Yet, it’s okay if it takes some time and some deep inner work. It’s taken me years, and I’m definitely not all the way back Home to myself. And regardless, it’s going to happen. Now, or when your human self is at death’s door. But if it’s possible, why not start your ascent today?
Power is not found in proving your strength. It is not in believing you’re enough. It’s in knowing that you are Love.
***
In the past few weeks, I’ve had the opportunity to learn so much about myself, thanks to following my triggers, and the people who triggered them.
I remembered why I’m afraid to speak up.
I’m a woman. I was taught I’m not supposed to. I’m supposed to play it small, to be humble, to be meek. My place isn’t at the top.
No one spoke up for me.
I reflected on all my past relationships. Some were, blatantly, pretty bad (although never physically abusive). Although one of the bad ones was with a covert narcissist. (I’ve written about that before). Really, it was all so hidden to me, because I couldn’t see my own wounds. Yet finally I realized no one really supported me in my power. Whether it was politics, spirituality, or animal rights, I’d get shut down. There wasn’t a place for my beliefs. My unique view of the world wasn’t accepted, even though I would always at least consider theirs. So I wouldn’t exactly give in, I’d just shut up.
Of course there is strength in reserving your energy for yourself. My belief is, protect your energy about all else. Don’t just give it away to critical people or negative thoughts. But there’s a difference between protecting your energy and dimming your light.
My light, your light, my Love, was meant to shine.
If you feel like your own low beam, ask yourself the question, “Where did I learn to dim my light?” Heal that inner child wound. Be the one speaking up for him/her/them. Then go forth and shine, just as you were designed to do, because you are made of light.
Do you feel like you DO feel your emotions, but they just keep coming and nothing ever gets better?
The key is to BrEathe (be) WITH your emotions, not AS your emotions.
Your own (deep) breath can be what soothes you, like an adult soothing a child (because to the brain, that’s really what is happening). You’re both feeling the emotion AND regulating your nervous system, telling your body that you are safe, and you are safe to feel.
Second, you do have to work with the story. For round one, just pause the story and feel the emotion. After, seek holes in your story. Was that really all your fault? Did that person really cut YOU off on purpose? And even if it is true, is it worth your energy? Is the belief helpful to you? (There of course might be deeper memories to work with and heal here.). What do you actually want to believe? What narrative best supports you?
With all of that, your big emotions still won’t just all go away in round one or two. You’ve probably been repressing emotions for 10, 20, 30, 40+ years. Healing takes some time, but it is just around the corner. Breathe.
In my work as a psychotherapist, I have the pleasure of working with and learning from many artists. One of my clients recently showed me one of his wood carvings, and I was truly, truly amazed. I asked him how he did it. He said he really couldn’t explain how it felt (another energy seemed to take over), but he knew that anytime he had a pre-planned idea in mind of what he thought it should be, it never turned out as good.
I thought, “Wow. What a great metaphor for therapy.” The truth is, most of us are buried beneath stories of who we should be. Therapy is the work of chipping away at those stories, setting free the most authentic version of ourselves.
We are all, individually, masterpieces. Togher, we are part of an even grand tapestry, so big and amazing we can’t even comprehend while in physical form. Much of the tapestry is still covered in shadows. But if you are willing to uncover your own masterpiece within, you invite others to take the covers off their own. When you live your own authentic truth, you naturally set others free as well.
While prescription medication can and sometimes should play a role in managing and recovering from mental health challenges such as depression and anxiety, it’s important to remember that for most people, medication should only be used as a temporary tool in conjunction with therapy and other natural remedies that have been proven equally, if not more effective. With that being said, if you are currently taking medication to help support you with mental challenges, there should be no shame or guilt! Take medication from an empowered stance, knowing you are doing the best you can to support yourself through your healing journey.
Here are other researched and proven techniques to support your mental health:
Nature– Spending time in nature can relieve stress, boost your mood, and help shift your perspective. Nature therapy, or “ecotherapy”, is already a common practice in countries like Japan, where doctors may actually prescribe shinrin-yoku (forest bathing) to patients!
Exercise– Benefits of exercises include: Enhanced mood, reduction of stress and anxiety, improved cognitive function, better sleep,increased energy, and improved self-esteem (just to name a few).
BREATHE– Diaphragmatic, or deep belly breathing (my favorite), box breathing (4 second inhale, 4 second hold,4 exhale, 4 hold), and other box breathing practices help reset your nervous system, switching you from fight or flight (sympathetic) to rest and digest (parasympathetic). Practicing a few minutes of deep breathing or BrEathing with your emotions everyday can be a GAME CHANGER.
Journaling– Free writing, or journaling, is all the rage right now, and for a good reason. Writing from our emotions can help us release suppressed emotions and unlock any subconscious beliefs and blocks that have kept us feeling stuck. (Bonus: After your emotion-based freewriting practice, take another few minutes to write from your Higher Self.)
Play & Creativity: Play and creative activity not only help us express emotions but can take us beyond the rational and logical (and also ruminative) part of our mind and into the part of our mind that allow us to access greater perspectives, new ideas, and access our wholeness. (Bonus: Activities like pickle ball and knitting include “bi-lateral stimulation” of the brain, a technique used in EMDR therapy.)
Sleep: Simply stated, your brain just can’t function properly without enough sleep.
Daily Gratitude Practice: A daily gratitude practice trains your mind (YES, YOU CAN TRAIN YOUR MIND!) to look for the good in life and cultivate emotions of appreciation, love, and abundance…and a release of all those feel good hormones. As you write or think of your list, make sure you pause and tap into the feeling-state.
Whole Foods: Whole, plant-based foods are anti-inflammatory, which is a good thing for both your body and your mind (which of course, are intimately connected). Dark leafy greens, nuts, berries, whole grains, and avocados are especially great. Oh, and we’ll include dark chocolate (72% or more) too!
Connection (time with family, friends, and animals): Connections offer us a sense of belonging, purpose, and support. When we feel supported, we feel safe, and we can relax. Animals count too! We know dog studies have shown a reduction of cortisol and a release of oxytocin.
Meditation: Meditation helps us to detach from our thoughts, helping us realize that our thoughts are just…thoughts. We don’t have to believe them. We can just witness them. (Reminder: There’s no being “good” or “bad” at meditation! It’s a practice. If you notice yourself thinking 10x in 1 minute, the key is you noticed, and that is awesome!)
Spirituality: Having a spiritual practice, which might simply mean believing in something bigger than yourself, has now been shown to be a buffer against depression and foster feelings of connection and purpose. Spirituality can play an important function in how we make meaning out of challenging situations and support us in times of grief. If you’re interested in learning more, I highly suggest reading The Awakened Brain: The New Science of Spirituality and Our Quest for an Inspired Life by Dr. Lisa Miller.
Service: Similar to much of the above, service can decrease feelings of depression and anxiety while increasing feelings of gratitude and a sense of purpose. But the summary is, service gets you out of your head and “little self” and into your heart-based, expansive self. Volunteering is absolutely wonderful, but even something simple, like taking a minute to chat with someone at work who you noticed looks a little down today. You can always choose to BE A LIGHT.
When you’re “in it”, I recommend latching on to a few key phrases that can hold you steady until the waves pass through. A few I find helpful are: “This too shall pass”, “I’m stuck in a thought cycle”, “I’m okay, I’m safe”, and “I am loved”. No panic attack or dark night of the ego lasts forever, I promise. Things can and will get better.
(There’s always support available. Colorado mental health support line: 988.)
Dosage: Most changes are successful when they are built by small increments. In general, I don’t suggest attempting to make huge lifestyle changes in a week (New Year’s resolutions often fail for a reason). What I suggest instead is making small, daily changes that you can add or incorporate into your normal life. For example, you may simply add a banana to your breakfast or a few blueberries as a side to your lunch. If you don’t exercise at all, a 20 minute (or even a 5 minute) walk outside/in nature is a great addition. Take some deep, conscious breaths during your shower or take two minutes before turning your car radio on after work to simply check in with yourself and breathe.
A Dog and Her Girl 