"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ." – The Little Prince
This season is about the return of the light after a period of darkness. As of Saturday, the days have once again begun to get lighter. Now, the darkness isn’t bad. It represents a shedding, a death, and temporary returning to the void, the unknown, a place of infinite potential. A time to rest. It’s a return to the sacred womb, from which we were all born and have the opportunity to return to so we can be reborn. It’s a necessary phase that can support us in returning to our true selves, to the unfiltered, pure Light that we are. It is from the darkness the light is birthed.
The story of light retuning after a period of darkness is told in various cultures, traditions, and religions. There’s ofcourse the birth of Jesus, a being who preached love and non-judgment while he walked the earth. In western society, it’s also told by the story of Santa, bringing toys, or joy, to (all) the children (not just the “good” children, for all children are good) after a period of recession. In Pagan tradition, the light is returned by the Deer Mother, flying through the night on the darkest day of year, carrying and returning the sun on her antlers.
The light, as I define it, is consciousness, or loving awareness. It’s our nature of innocence and divine love. For us here in this room, it’s a remembering.
If we pause and look around the room, we can be quite certain that many of hold different political and religious beliefs. We have different opinions on women’s rights, animal rights, and climate change. There are different beliefs on the best foods to eat and different definitions of success and what it means to live a meaningful life.
But tonight, none of that matters. Underneath the roof of this Midwest house in America, we have transcended our fear and forgetfulness, what I call type 2 darkness, by leaving our judgments and criticisms behind us, and returning to a unified state of Love.
The question is, will we once again forget? Will we forget the light of loving awareness and return to the realm shadows, illusions, differences, and separateness?
Perhaps more importantly, for what is within us will always be projected out, will we return to judging ourselves for all the mistakes we’ve made and criticizing ourselves for all the ways we believe we’re not enough and could be, or should have been, better?
I think it’s important to remind everyone here that “sin” or”mistake” simply means to “miss the mark.” Mistakes show us where we are out of alignment with our true selves. We only ever make mistakes or hurt others when we are in fear and are not feeling good. And (the human/ego brain is a funny thing) the we think that by punishing ourselves, we’ll do better, but we actually just make ourselves feel worse which makes it harder to act in alignment because our natural alignment is Love!
And I have never, ever, seen anyone, including myself, grow or heal through self-judgement or criticism. I have only ever seen people heal through self-acceptance and self-compassion, for that is when we invite the Light back into our lives. There’s paradox here too…it is only through our imprefections that we can know perfect love. And, if we truly believe that we were created in the image of our creator, or Love, that even in our imperfection, we are all absolutely perfect.
So the invitation here is, not just for the rest of the day, but to the best of your ability, everyday, to look at yourself as you would an innocent child. To look at others like you are meeting Jesus, as Benedictine rule states “Let all guests who arrive be received as Christ.” To look at others as you would a child that holds all the potential in the world if only the are nurtured through love, and treat them with such honor and respect. Because we all hold the potential to be the light.
Your first mission on earth is to remember, to remember who you really are, overcoming and rising above early childhood conditioning. The second mission is to live life from that place of knowing who you are, the space of expansive love. The third mission is natural, spreading that joy, in whatever way you may choose (there may be no life change at all, just being yourself more) to others humans and beings that inhabit this earth.
It takes consistent, committed effort to move through the dark and reach the light. You can’t just want to heal. You have to choose to heal.
*heal: to make whole , or rather, to return to (remember) wholeness after a period of unconsciousness (forgetfulness).
Many therapies assist in this practice. EMDR works in an almost similar way to psychedelics (So I’ve heard. It’s not a path I have chosen for myself but am somewhat familiar with the research and have heard recounts from several friends.) that does not bypass wounds and fears, but moves through them in a safe and contained way that allows the brain to reprocess memories in healthier fashions. Similarly, IFS helps us understand our (wounded, fearful) parts so they loosen the grip and the higher self can step through and reclaim loving power, as well as your direction in life. Still, the basic principle remains the same…we have to be willing to actively let go of our old stories, programmed beliefs, and negative thoughts*. It’s not going to happen (for most of us) just by praying to get rid of them (believe me, I tried). We have to exert the (free) will to choose it, to choose love over fear, in order to create a new paradigm for ourselves.
*If you feel there is a resistance or block or feeling stuck on your healing journey, I recommend looking at that block, or part wanting you to stay stuck, itself.
When I worked at an addiction treatment center, I remember a staff member there teaching a class. I can’t remember if it was about addiction, fitness (he was a strong, athletic guy), or something else, but I clearly remember him asking, “Do you want to know a new language? Or, do you want to LEARN a new language?” Personally, I’d love to know French. I took several classes on the language in both high school and college. But I never really wanted to learn it, and so I can only recall a few words.
Each of us must honestly ask ourselves this question when embarking on a healing journey. Do we just want to be healed? Or do we want to do the work to heal? We may certainly look like we want to heal when we read all the books, listen to all the podcast, maybe occasionally chat with a therapist or take a workshop (I’m raising my hand here). But sometimes, these are easy and often subconscious ways to bypass actually doing the work. We keep searching for the key to what we’re missing instead of unlocking the potential within ourselves.
Yet let me be clear… choosing to move through and let go beliefs and thoughts we’ve held onto for 10, 20, 30, 40, and even 50+ years is not easy. Personally, I have (somewhat subconsciously) been almost determined to hold on to the belief that I’m not enough, or I’ve just wanted it to be taken away from me without my conscious effort. In the past, I’ve started the process of resisting negative voices in myself and gave up when they got louder, letting the thoughts of failure and imperfections consume me. It wasn’t until an occurrence where my ego led and I overrode a core value, missing an opportunity to experience what I care about most in life*, where I decided “I don’t want to live like this anymore” and I found the strength to not turn back (although there were plenty of falters and half step backs, the determination was just greater).
*This was my proverbial “rock bottom”. It doesn’t just have to be getting a divorce or waking up after a near overdose.
As we move through the dark (here, defined as our pain, wounds, and programmed beliefs), what is necessary to realize, so we can be loving observers as we move through, is that the beliefs and negative stories we hold on to about ourselves are not real. They we given to us each time love was invalidated as a child. If you believe you are a failure, it’s not true, regardless of how many times your mind can conjure examples of how you believe you failed. If you believe you are not enough, it’s not true, no matter how your mind compares yourself to others. Your ego only compares based on a performance value that was given to you and your mind accepted at the time as a way to better fit in to society. Failure is a conjecture of the mind, although it is more likely you’ll miss reaching a goal (or being satisfied by it) if it is not heart aligned or was driven by fear (feelings of unworthiness).
The objective here is not to ignore the thoughts, but to see them clearly: as thoughts. To observe them with the curiosity as a small child observes a leaf on the ground, then continue to keep moving. As emotions come up, the process is similar, we feel them through awareness; not attaching to the emotion, but breathing into it, which allows for it to be witnessed and released. I found parts work extremely helpful in this process, as my mind needed more understanding. In the example above, I could witness the part of my ego that just wanted me to feel better about myself, and the way I could do that was to control how far I could go and push myself. Even though it here it led me to a poor choice, I could see how the part was doing the best it could with what it had learned. I could then insert the compassion of my higher self and reassure the fear (of the part) that I could now love myself unconditionally, empowering myself with the ability to re-take the steering wheel of my life.
The main tool here comes from mindfulness, or being able to witness your experiences and thoughts in the awareness and expanse of love. Love is the answer, my friends. As Rumi said, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.” Commit to see your wounds (triggers will lead you there), which are essentially any reasons you have for withholding love from yourself. Your ability to insert love into those dark caves is where true healing can occur. From there, you have the opportunity to start believing what you choose to believe (rather than what you were taught to believe).
As you move through the dark, always remember to keep a steady focus on the light. We’re human. Distractions are not only easy, but ingrained in our society and imbedded in our minds. There is not bigger distraction than our fear-based thoughts. Again, see them, be aware of them, get curious about their roles, but don’t allow them to be the center of your attention.
As a gentle reminder, healing, along with commitment, requires patiences. Many protector parts can get defensive when challenged and some suppressed emotions need time (patience is love) before they feel comfortable enough to arise, trusting that YOU’ve got them…you’ve got your inner child, you’ve got you. It’s okay to take a step back. Sometimes nights can be harder than during the day to come back to a place of clarity. Just know, “this too shall pass”.
Ultimately, remember this. YOU ARE A RAY OF LOVE, a ray of consciousness, a ray of light. That is who you truly are. You are not Mike, Alice, Joe, Patricia…so far, you have most likely been playing the role that those characters have been scripted to have by childhood traumas, religious teachings, and other fear-based education. When you realize this, when you come to know this through your fierce dedication to loving yourself, you have the opportunity to insert your conscious (loving) awareness into the human you embody and create a new story for yourself.
There is beauty everywhere. Everywhere. Is your brain trained to see it?
Many of us just aren’t. For some of us, our brains, out of programming and protection, are trained to look (and think) for the bad or possible dangers, dangers that are no longer based on our physical survival but ego survival.
Let’s change that. Let’s rewrite our brains to see the beauty of life.
(Yes, this is a little selfish because I really need the support in helping to change my brain too as I’m just as good as anyone at starting and stopping a gratitude practice. Friend accountability really helps!)
This post is partially inspired by a Mel Robbins podcast (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Of8ddNuRAtE) on negative thinking and the reticular activating system, which acts a filter for the brain and what it allows into your consciousness based on what you repeatedly choose to focus on. It’s also inspired by my friend Travis Macy, who texted me before a hike “Let’s start with a YAY by sharing celebrations.” And of course, this is inspired by my deceased older sister, who passed on the importance of the word “YAY!”.
The great YAY! challenge: If you wish to do this with me, or your own close group of friends, share with me your daily YAY! either through DM or text. Your daily YAY! is your gratitude, the beauty you chose to focus on, an awe inspiring moment, or something that made you smile. It can be really simple, like waking up with your dog cuddling next to you or a nice little chat with the grocery store cashier. Or, you can do what Mel Robbins suggests, and find hearts in nature/daily life, which is a way the Universe is showing its love to you and “peace is possible”, you just have to train your brain to recognize it. (My thing is feathers, which is a sign for me from angels, guides, and passed loved ones that I’m not alone, always supported, and deeply loved.).
“Life is beautiful…even when it’s not.” -Amanda Rose Nypaver
Those who attack only do so because they are scared of being attacked themselves. Those who know who they are will never judge, criticize, or make fun of another human being. Neither will they be jealous, envious, or want to take what another person has.
Those who don’t know their own power go out and try to gain it or take it away from others.
The powerful need not do anything but be themselves, claiming only their own hearts. (Which can look like standing up and speaking about what they value.)
They don’t force others to follow. Other simply can’t stay away from their light.
And let me add… I say this all super duper humbly. Pacer (doG) knows that I am human and still working on my insecurities, all the ways I compare and control and label. But I am aware, holding myself in love, and I am trying to feel and move through my fears.
When we remember we are all on the same team, we all want peace, love, joy…to see the best we and the world holds, it is easy to see that there is never a need to be defensive and to attack, that lack is more of a perception than reality that is projected on to those who have less privilege out of fear by the privileged. In truth, there is never a need to react out of fear. The only call is to both be and respond with Love. There is only curiosity, compassion, and a willingness to rise together.
When it comes to voting, it is really important to me that we all truly (consciously) choose who we want to vote for. That we do it with our hearts and our higher minds, which is capable of un-egoic (fear-based) reason and logic. It’s also important to me that we don’t judge each other (I know this is really, really hard! Think of it as a great mental challenge and opportunity to see beyond your own blocks.) based on who we vote for. Remember, we’re all on the same team. At the same time, we can choose to call the politician we are voting for to rise up and step into their true power, or as Michelle Obama said “go high”, which means to avoid criticizing and demeaning others and instead talk about what matters most and the issues they care about. We can even demand a change in our political system without belittling those who built the current structure or being rigid (another sneaky form of fear we sometimes call “healthy skepticism” based on current structures that lack optimism or possibility beyond what we can currently see) in our belief it can never change. We can, and I know we are going to whether it is now or in the future, lean into our greatest potential as a human species.
I have spent most of my life trying to figure out how and what it means to be limitless. Despite hours and hours of hard work as a pre-teen and teenager, I made little progress in increasing my vertical jump, let alone dunking a basketball at the height of (almost) 5’4″. Actually, I most likely stunted my growth by using an eating disorder as a coping mechanism. Stil limited, I thought. Currently, I would like more than anything to run 20 miles in the mountains with my dog, yet that sounds both painful for my Achilles and a little more than Pacer would want to do. I have not learned how to magically heal my Achilles or prevent Pacer from getting physically older, despite doing my best to pretend otherwise.
Still limited, so I think. Helpless, so I feel.
What am I doing wrong? Are we not supposed to be able to do whatever we set our minds to?
“You’re not living up to your potential.”, fear says.
But what about when our minds are not aligned with our hearts?
No one told me as a kid that when I practiced basketball, I was doing it wrong… I was working instead of playing. Because if I’m playing and in joy, then the physical doesn’t really matter. The outcome, the achievement, the goal doesn’t really matter. If we withhold love from ourselves because of physical limitations, then we are bound by them. Yet when we allow joy to rise, we transcend them.
You see, the physical body and our physical reality may have limits, but the soul does not.
When we perceive physical limits as true limits and let ourselves become upset by them, we cage our soul and prevent ourselves from experiencing the bliss of the present moment.
What I have come to realize in my wanderings is that the energetic world is more real than the physical world that we, at some point, chose to temporarily come down to visit. Not only gravity but dense emotions weigh us down, while our soul always wants to rise. And while it is our emotions that point us to truth and give us this beautiful shared experience of this thing we call humanity, it is expressed emotions in the absence of mental stories that bring us into connection and frees our soul to move into higher states of peace and joy. This is the integration of the human and divine experience.
So, it is when our souls rise above physical limitations, when we choose to be happy despite the situation or circumstance and earthly reality, that we are no longer trapped by the wants of the mind and are truly free to experience the limitless of our true selves.
In summary, to transcend and become limitless is not to overcome physical barriers and the density of human emotions but to allow our energy to rise above it. To feel joy in the midst of failure, to love after loss. The body may be ruled by gravity but the soul is free to wander and expand. (You are not your body, you are not your mind.) All that matters is that you are enjoying the process, the journey- the adventure of the human experience.
It is only in that transcended state of joy that one may actualize potential, for it is when we understand the laws of energy that we can bend the rules of gravity.
When my older sister passed away, after the brief stage of the ego anger/fight for survival, innocence took over. She was not mad about her early parting, she accepted loved ones at her death bed, allowed us to hold her hand.
Being 36, the same age as when she passed, when she had less than two months to live… I wonder what I would do? Or perhaps, not do.
I have often been driven by ego wants and desires. Not that they are necessarily bad (although sometimes destructive). I have wanted to do things, see things, achieve things before I die. I gotten stuck on destinations and forgotten about the journey. And with that, I have experienced many nights breathing in the shallow breaths of yet another existential pain as time all too quickly passes and what once was has already changed. In those labored prayers, I have often overlooked the fact that my ego is simply fighting for its existence, or at least the existence of others in relation to me. I have changed. They have changed. Life has changed. Or worst, life has changed and people/animals have died and while I have stayed the same.
Yet if I knew, if I knew it was my time to die in a few weeks time, I hope I’d forget about all those wants and desires. Instead, I would hope to follow a similar path as my older sister, who seemed to remember what truly mattered. Maybe I’d go to the mountains a few times if I was able with those closest to me, during the times my ego gets scared, to tap into the peace and love that awaits me. But most likely, I’d spend my dwindling time with family and friends, allowing them to say their goodbyes and let love be shared. I’d want to return to innocence, my belief in true magic, joy, and an existence without fear. The purpose of my death being to light the way for others. To come back to the remembrance that when we die, only love is left behind, for that is all that is real, all that is eternal.
I am the most brave when standing still. When I am writing reflections through tears under the fire of a lamp, or feeling the feels and weeping into my dog’s fur. I am the most brave when I ask for connection. When I share my feelings with a lover, knowing at any moment he could walk away. I am the most brave when I walk into my therapists office, making sure no secret is left hidden, no emotion left unfelt. I am the most brave when I shine my light within. When I witness my wounds and kneel before my heart.
****
Like Pacer, you can be brave and still be scared of thunderstorms. You can hide under the covers and paw your Mom for comfort.
Why?
Because bravery has little to do with external actions and everything to do with one’s ability to go within. To shine a light on the fear that drives them.
I could ski down a double black and still be a coward for giving into to my need to impress for the fear of not being enough.
Or, I could be brave and ride my mountain bike slowly down a green, even though I know my riding partner thinks I’m slow and scared.
Maybe I will give a speech to a room full of strangers, because my heart wants a microphone even though my conditioning tells me its safer to stay quiet.
Brave is the step I take- or don’t take- when following my heart.
Fear can be considered physical survival, but many psychotherapists now call that instinct.
What most of us think of as overcoming our fears is actually an ego-survival mechanism. If I do this, I am great. If I achieve this, I am successful. If I don’t do this, I am keeping my small-self identity in place.*
*This is very much a “know thyself” topic. Type A’s and Type C’s tend to be does and could find value in stillness. Type B’s can obviously find great value from going within, but may also need to take an actionable step.
Plus, as Dr. Ellen Langer writes in her book The Mindful Body we don’t often account for risk assessment when we label someone as brave. My bike riding friend, to me, appears to be fearless. And maybe he does care less about crashing then I do. But really, he’s a much more skilled rider, and what I often see as huge risk is a small obstacle to him.
As I’ve studied bravery over the past year, I think I’ve finally started to understand what it means to be safe, to be fearless. In a human body, there is always risk. Risk of being physically wounded, and the perhaps worse risk of being emotionally hurt. But it is the parts of ourselves that have learned to protect our human vulnerability that carries the fear.
We will all die.
But Love will always be there.
And if we can do, or not do, and know that we will and are still love, we will always find safety within the shelters of our mortality.
My confirmation name is “Joan”, after Joan of Arc. At 13, I picked this saint because I saw her as tough, and Sebastian (the Parton Saint of Sports), was either not allowed or I didn’t like the name enough (I don’t remember). But 20+ years later, I believe her. Joan wasn’t being tough when she stated “I am not afraid. I was born to do this.” She was being brave. She knew who she wasn’t and who she was. She was brave in the face of both physical and ego death.
Brave is the step you take when following your heart, The only truly brave act is being completely oneself in a word of people who have forgotten who they truly are.
What if you’re already living the life of your dreams? What if you already have all that your heart desires? What if you’re in the experience that your soul wants for you? What if you’ve just been to blind- too judgmental of yourself, too jealous of others, and too busy comparing yourself to everyone else’s life to see it?
Maybe we’re also just too programmed in wanting- not just in material goods, but epic experiences, and personal achievements as measures of self-worth.
It’s like we’re desperately dehydrated and we’re all walking miles and miles for water when it’s always been right there, right under our feet.*
The other day I was talking to my twin sister about joy and Joseph’s Campbell quote “Follow your bliss.” I told her I didn’t know how, that I didn’t know what the line meant. “I mean, I really just care about Pacer, you and Sage, and playing in the mountains.” “But that’s why you’re here, in Salida, with all of us”, my sister said. I complained further, “I haven’t been able to play in the mountains like I want to for years…” I was going to continue about financial stuff, but the annual “Hooligan Race” down the Arkansas River was finally about to start. Which was perfect, because I realized I didn’t really have anything good to say. She was right. I don’t have a whole lot of extra cash, but I have enough to pay for rent and food, enough time for the experiences I want to have outside and with family, my 2 favorite people 10 minutes away and the best dog ever, all of us in a quirky little mountain town. Everything else is fluff, or an excuse as to why I can’t be truly happy now, with the main fluff being the thoughts in my head on what I need to do, have, or achieve to be worthy of joy, love, and contentment (re: inner peace).
I know I’m not the only one with this old programming, believing in the physical when it’s love, beauty, and connection that we all really want, and most of us already have. You’ve seen It’s a Wonderful Life too, right? If we want, if we’re willing to let go of the old stories, we could be happy at this very moment.
*On a podcast, I fumbled on this story, retelling an event in Scott Harrison’s book Thirst: A Story of Redemption, Compassion, and a Mission to Bring Clean Water to the World where an older woman a village in which a well had just been dug couldn’t be happy, saying something like “You mean it was there all along?” and thinking of her years of suffering walking to get water. I too, am often like this woman. I know I could be joyful at any moment but often prefer to hold on to my past, perhaps as a way to give my suffering meaning.
The hardest part about letting go… …is actually letting go.
It’s not waiting for someone or something to take my thoughts and low self-esteem away from me, saying “I’m ready! Take this [shitty thought and sadness] from me!”
Instead, it is an active choice.
To say “I don’t think like that anymore, that is not how this me feels”. It’s not being judgmental towards that old version of myself. It is having compassion for her, knowing that she was doing the best she could. But it is letting go of my attachment to her, her thoughts, her beliefs about herself, her projections, her old stories, and her weighty emotions.
And, it is in letting go, that I break free. I let go of gravity, and free fall deep into the unknown. I expect a crash. But instead, I fly.
The bond between a dog and her girl is unconditional love, both ways, yet the girl (human) has often been conditioned to fear love and block its reception from other humans. Dogs are a tangible representation and pathway towards higher love for those of use who have trust and love wounds. A dog is the softness that allows the hardened to let love in.
* I say “dog” throughout this post, but I really mean all animals.
Those of us with a “not enough” wound may feel unsafe to receive love, because they feel unworthy of it.
The unconscious may go something like:
“If I was enough, they (my parents, caregivers, etc) would love me and be happy. They can’t love me until I have proved that I am enough.”
Personally, this belief was so buried in me that, despite all the work I’ve done, it took another painful parting of ways and the consolation of another guy I once loved, who can annoying read my wounds better than I can, and also hold space in friendship form. That, driving through Arches National Park while listening to a Spotify “healing + cleansing frequencies” playlist, and attempting to be simply curious about my “never enough” part without trying go change it or get rid of it. Just “curiosity and compassion”, as I tell my clients, yet don’t practice nearly enough myself.
This type of belief won’t be accessible through the logical mind. The subconscious mind was developed in childhood, where event’s and parent’s behavior and emotions were extensions of the self (egocentric). This is how the innocent make sense of trying to understand any act out of accordance with love.
Because dogs* are not human- we know they are non-judgers- it’s easier for most people who otherwise feel undeserving or unworthy of love to receive it from them (or, really, any animal).
From there, we must take the lesson from our beloved dog further. We must understand that our minds created a largely distorted reality based on fear, while dogs know the sacred truth. The love we received from a dog must be slowly extended in the form of trust. First, to trust in the dog’s wisdom and knowing that we are deserving of love. Second, to have the bravery to allow another human to love us. This can be slow. Love and trust are patient for those who have been wounded. And yet, even if the trust with one person falls through, we can go back to the first trust, or dog commandement: You are worthy of Love.
A Dog and Her Girl 