"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ." – The Little Prince
And dads could protect their families by putting down their guns.
I wish humans
children of the light
could laugh, run, play
knowing their vulnerability, their innocence, was safe.
I wish we knew
the power we harness
when we forgive ourselves for
past mistakes
and allow Love to heal all.
Sometimes i wish the world made a little more sense…
I will forever shed a thousand tears and feel fully enraged driving past the slaughter farms of eastern Colorado and watching the cow-sentient beings Aushwitz trucks drive by.
And body will always feel the pain of another woman being slain in the name of love.
(I started writing this post before the tragedy In Minnesota- bot these pains, all the pains, feel true in my heart. Perhaps, as Martin Pretchl famously preached in his speech Grief and Praise, it is the job of empaths, the job of healers, namely woman identified people, to publicly grieve so we can all tend our hearts. Then push ourselves off the ground once again, and continue are march not with guns and hate, but with the power of broken hearts and love expanded.)
What I think is important for all of us to understand is the battle we are fighting isn’t out there, even if it appears to be. It’s inside of us. * *This is why the title of Steve Magness’s newest book Win the Inside Game is so brilliant.
This theme of dark and light, showcased in all our favorite books and movies: Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Wars, The Chronicles of Narnia…these battles are all happening within our minds. Our heads have always been the projector playing these movies onto the big screen of life. These battles may appear “out there”, but the war that really matters is within. Which is why I’ll add another book/movie favorite to the list, Alice and Wonderland, which I’ll write a bit more about in a few paragraphs.. We all, if we so choose, get to go on our own hero’s, or heroine’s journey.
Recently, I’ve heard a differentiation between the hero’s and heroine’s journey. From my perspective, they’re not that different, but manifest differently because of the female embodiment. At the essence of both, we are reclaiming the divine feminine. After all, isn’t this the whole point of Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code?* The woman reclaims herself** . The man learns to honor, to surrender to, the part of himself he rejected. Non-binary people are viewed with the utmost respect, having already harmonized themself in the two energies. We see the oppressor for what it is: fear. Fear and the stories our mind creates around the emotion. We hear the siren’s call (The Odyssey) but learn not to turn towards it. We fight not with weapons, but with our hearts. If fear is the opposite of love, it cannot remain standing in the face of Love’s light. *While I admittedly only read part of the book, this is also the point of Brian C. Maruresku’s historical research and book, The Immortality Key: The Secret History of the Religion with No Name. *Recommended read: The Girl Who Baptized Herself by Meggan Watterson
As we reclaim the divine feminine within- our inner knowing, our truth, our love- we watch as our inner dictators lose power. We know, and begin to understand, this ancient truth: “As within, so without.” “As above, so below.” (Hermetic Principle). “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven..” -John Milton, Paradise Lost. And of course, “The kingdom of God is within you.” – Jesus, The Bible (Luke 17:20-21) My guess is that you can see, if you’ve done any inner reflection, how the characters in your brain often seem to play out in the world. Donald Trump is no worse than my inner critic. I have dated too many guys with chauvinistic and covertly manipulative tendencies. Yet I also have my trusty sidekick and great love, my dog, by my side. I literally have an Obi-Wan who guides me (Reiki Master & Mindfulness Coach) and Galadriel (my therapist, with a touch of Ginny Weasley). (I swear, my Reiki teacher and therapist look just like these “fictional” characters). My own dad, who first gave me his old, dusty copy of Lord of the Rings before I entered the hospital for an eating disorder in 7th grade, possesses wizardry no short of Professor Dumbledore, or Gandolf, twinkle in eye and sense of humor in hand. Who are these characters in your own life?
As the battle reaches its peak, we see the contrast heighten: the female is repressed and shunned, called a liar or a witch. Darkness seems to grow as authoritative power seems to increase- in response to fear of being defeated. Again, this is the war within our own minds. And it is here that we must believe in our ability to conquer. Not with maleficence, for we need our minds, but with clear seeing, forgiveness, and love. This is also where most of us want to give up, to turn back. We question our worth and our abilities. While I rarely admit this out loud, I have said to Obi-Wan, “I don’t think I can win.” My own programming- my own darkness- felt too strong. We all ask ourselves, “Who am I?”. I think of the tiny hobbit, Frodo, trying to admit defeat, “I can’t do this, Sam.” Alice (Through the Looking Glass, Lewis Carrol) doubting her ability to slay the Jabberwocky, the incessant inner critic of her mind*. But this is where our team comes in- love- the ghost of Harry’s parents as he duels Voldemort, Sam replying to Frodo, “..Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something… That there’s some good in this world.” It’s the call to my sister when I need help finding a better thought. My therapist letting me know how much I have grown. Obi-wan always seeing the best in me, when I only see the worst. And in the name of love (or doG), we say, “I am not afraid. I was born to do this.”, proclaiming like Joan of Arc, the brave heart warrior archetype we all possess, even though we may be shaking. *Not being able to ignore the synchronicities, which are, according to psychotherapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, and author, Carl Jung, signs you’re on the right path, I finally decided to go on a psilocybin/psychedelic journey- I was in the safety of therapist’s office and guided by friends. While I was hoping to give my Default Mode Network some help, a common experience for many “journeyers” (although perhaps slightly exaggerated in Michael Pollan’s otherwise informative book/documentary, How to Change Your Mind– admittedly, another half read for me) part of my message is that I still need to be the one to do it, to experience my own power. However, what I was shown was why I experience so much inner pain, a glimpse at some of my gifts, and a big nudge that I needed to trust myself enough to use them.
The journey, if we choose to say “yes’ to it, is hard. Arduous. We hope it lasts but a few hours, maybe days, growing wearing when it lasts for years. We’ll get bloody and grow weary. We’ll want to give up. Keep going. Look up at the night sky, and a shooting star will remind us a loved one is near. A friend, or perhaps a dog, will remind us that Love will never leave our side. And even if we die in the pursuit, in that Love, we will always find safety. That makes us brave. We may wander, but we are not lost. There is purpose to our journey. There is good, there is gold, there is doG worth fighting for. We realize that we are the Hero/ine of your story, even if just a mere human. And somehow, in that acceptance, we realize who we truly are.
We reclaim what we thought was stolen and burned, but was in fact, only hidden. We forgive our minds, because they were doing the best they could with what they perceived was gone. We embrace. We find the lost pages of Mary Magdalene’s gospel (I highly recommend Mary Magdalen Revealed by Meggan Waterson). We fill that hole, that void we’ve been trying to fill all our lives. Discovering that that too, Love, has always been within. We are Love, Herself.*
We come back Home.
*This, of course, is why the last Star Wars movie had to be women led.
****
Below is a channeled message. A good friend (“Obi-Wan”) has been gently encouraging me to share more of my gift of channeling, so here it is:
You are so loved. Your mind is trying hard to maintain power- it’s dictatorship.
You are bigger, you are stronger.
Keep going.
This is an opportunity for you to know your true power.
It is not the mistakes you make that matter, even if it was your mind (brain’s programming) that caused you to make them. It is how you talk to yourself after, how you love or judge yourself.
You are becoming Love. You are Love.
This is your battle to win.
Not through opposing dictatorship but through love, compassion, and forgiveness.
You win by clear seeing.
Dictatorship runs off of fear. Its voice is loud but you are stronger. You are more magnificent.
You have the power to lay down your weapons, knowing you cannot fight your mind into submission, and to see your oppressive voice for what it is: f.e.a.r. (false evidence appearing real).
You can love the fear, the scared child, back into wholeness, while quieting the siren’s call (turning away from the voices in your head).
The battle is within. To be fought with love and clear seeing.
By standing in your truth, firmly and defiance-
You (we) are Ray of Light.
*** (I thought this was worth sharing in full)
Frodo: “I can’t do this, Sam.”
Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness, and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it’ll shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo…and it’s worth fighting for.”
I’m not sure how many more times Pacer and I will get to hike this section, one of our favorites, on the Colorado Trail/Collegiate West… The first time we hiked the Alpine Tunnel was with Sandi and Sage 10 years ago, just after we moved to Colorado. Then, 2 months later, we hiked through it again as we backpacked our way across the state. This year, we’ve been lucky enough to visit various parts of this trail 4 times, twice with Sandi and Sage (the best!). This time, I was just so grateful to have it all to ourselves, with Pacer getting to frolic and sniff freely while I watched, cried, and howled.
Crying and howling (howling feeling much more primal and alive in me than simply screaming) have almost become a staple of mine this year, bringing some relief to my grief and fear, while shadow/protector parts roared inside my head, parts that may have stayed more hidden in the dark if I didn’t have such intense love for a dog pouring through my veins. And as painful as these parts are, they needed to come to the light so I could see them.
As just a friend dreamed (visioned), Pacer is guiding me through and bringing me home, as I swirl through the darkness and play with various healing modalities, some that I never thought I would. I’ve gathered more humans on my team, and was almost overwhelmed as two of mentors, with tears in their eyes, told me how proud of me they were this week…not for doing well in sports or getting straight As, but for simply being me. Intuitive, sensitive, and weird.* It’s all be quite an adventure, really. And, while my mind wants to tell me how I messed things up or tell me where I should have been more perfect, underneath that, my heart is telling me it’s all been beautiful, too. It’s conscious, minute by minute choice, to drop allegiance to my mind and pledge allegiance to heart. Eventually, perhaps, my mind will become a faithful servant. Or perhaps it will be a continual process of observation- acknowledging the thought and accepting it without condition, while choosing my own way. Allowing my heart chakra to expand- holing the love, pain, and grief- the beauty of it all. Eventually knowing, even if only on my deathbed, it will all be alchemized back to its original source.
Sometimes love doesn’t move mountains in the way we think it will. Sometimes it comes first as a roaring river, crushing us and bringing us to our knees. It cleanses us of our fear and false beliefs before rebuilding us, giving us a new foundation to stand on and an opportunity to become whole. We are gifted with a new chance to deepen our roots in the love that created us and the truth of who we are. We rise upward, connected and grounded, in a love that sets us free.
I could also say “Grief.” Which really, says the same thing. Both belong to Love.
I was briefly discussing this topic and dogs with my therapist yesterday (even as a therapist myself, it’s good to be seen by someone else)… we concluded with the fact that, “I love deeply.”
It pains me that perfect moments pass so quickly. Adventures end. Loves of our lives grow older. People die. Animals pass. Summer ends. Fall begins. Beauty shifts. Our days together won’t last forever.
One day, “Pacer’s Pack”, won’t have our leader. Or rather, she will be pure Sunshine.
I try to savor. I try to be present. Yet when I hold on, when I cling, the pain is only worse. And so I just let go. I release the waterfall within. Currently, the my own water flow trajectory is at least once a week, sometimes at home on the floor, often in spaces where I know the Sky and Earth will hold me. This pattern has been monthly for more years that others may warrant as necessary. But I will stand strong in my deep empathy, my love. Things are still good, We are still agile, but my mind projects into the fading future, as well as the current breezes.
In the end, it is only Love. It is all Love.
I cry in grief. I cry because I am so goD damn grateful. I cry because I love so deeply.
And if that is the greatest burden of my life, it is also the greatest gift.
…and when I die, may I fade into Love and never know the difference.
When I say grief, what I really mean is Love. When I say pain, what I really mean is my perceived absence of it. When I say fear, what I really mean is that I have forgotten. When I say dog, what I really mean is Love. When I say Love, what I really mean is that I have remembered.
***
Fear was created when we first felt separate from our parents or caregivers. When our needs or emotions weren’t met with care and compassion. To an infant or child, our earliest caregivers represent Love, or God. This is to stay it is during this time we truly felt separated from Love, which created fear in the body. Through developed mental processes, that fear materialized into stories of unworthiness and not enoughness. This created shame in the body, and further perceived separateness from Love.
To remember who were are is to connect back to Oneness, to Love. We have to let go our stories, free (allow) the stuck emotions to be experienced, and surrender back to Love. Which takes Trust, because most of have forgotten a time when it was there. (Dogs and other animals can help remind us.) So ultimately, your trust fall is letting go of fear and falling back into Love.
Today, on what would have been my “older” sister’s 41st birthday, I find myself searching for grief. I find a little, but no tears fall. Part of me feels guilty, like I should feel sad, like I still should be mourning her “too short life”. Guilty, knowing this might be my last post on my sister’s birthday. Like I should continue to feel weird for being physically older than my older sister ever got to be. Yet, I can hear my sister say, “You can’t find me there.”
And in truth, I know what she means. She’s free. She’s expanded. No longer bound by the limitations of human perception. The part of me that clings to grief as a way to connect, the part that tries to hold on to grief… while they served a purpose, those parts aren’t actually me.
So when I search for grief, I must dive so far into the well that at the bottom, I only find love. Then, when I find myself swimming in the joy of that Love, I know I’ll find her. I’ll be reminded that actually, we’ve never not been- we’ve always been- connected.
While my path back to finding her has been nothing short of wayward and wanderlust, she’s always been sending me signs, whispering “You can meet me here. You can be free now, too.” (while still incarnated). Just the other week, I was driving back home and asking for a sign on what to do. Before I could fully comprehend what was happening “Can’t Stop the Feeling” by Justin Timberlake (one of Amanda’s songs) comes on the radio while an RV pulls in from of me that says “T-Align”! The synchronicity of this is that my nickname for my older sister growing was “T” (and for the life of me I can not remember why) and lately I had been playing around the idea “what does it feel like to align with my True Self”?
Somedays, I can almost feel my sister holding my hand, just as I did for her when she was finding her way back Home and letting go of her human identity. She’s guiding me back toward the light, the truth of who I am. Who we are. Knowing that, if you are reading this, you came to earth for self-realization. To remember you are a soul in a human body. Away from the falsities and myths and limitations of the ego. She’s leading me back towards my deepest desire, to be free.
Here, I hear her say, “Yay!”
*Please be respectful of and honor your own journey with grief. There’s no time lifeline and no agenda on your path.
If you were supposed to be “healed” by now, you would be.
If you were meant to have won that race, you would have.
If you were meant to still be with that person, you would be.
If you were meant to get that job, you would have.
If you were supposed to be father along by now, you would be.
If those plans were supposed to work out, they would have.
If that person was supposed to still be here, they would be.
If you were mean to make a different decision, you would have.
If life were meant to be different than it is right now, it would be.
Breathe.
Everything that has happened was meant to happen.
Everything that didn’t happen wasn’t meant to happen.
Everything that is meant to happen, will happen.
Breathe.
Here is where you will find your peace.
Suffering lies in the shoulds, attachments, and wishes of things being different than they are.
You have power, just not control (of the external).*
This doesn’t meant we stop learning or growing. In fact, this is the catalyst for growth.
Now that we know what happened is what was meant to happen, we CAN grow, as guilt and shame are what block us from blossoming. Acceptance, curiosity, and love become fertilizers.
The path to healing, growth, and evolution isn’t linear. It’s not something to get frustrated about (but do honor your emotions). These obstacles and road bumps (different from roadblocks and closed doors) are actually signs YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH!
In fact, we know that obstacles and challenges are not only what make us stronger, but bring us closer to our true, most awesome (and authentic), selves.
Accepting this truth, that challenges are signs we’re on the right path, can keep us from getting stuck. It’s when we judge ourselves, “Why am I here again? I thought I healed this!” that we’re resisting the lesson and blocks us from 1) the opportunity to apply what we learned the last time and 2) prevents us from being curious*, “Hmm, why is this happening again?” “Why is this repeating?” “What do I have to learn here?” “How can I love myself more?”
* Curiosity is different from “trying to figure everything out”, which has more of a fear energy. Oh, self-judgement will never get you to healing, either!
This idea, that the path to healing and growth often happens in loops and includes challenges, can be applied to athletes too.
When I work with athletes who get injured, they usually end up working with a PT, commit to correcting poor form, or to consistently performing exercises that target underused muscles. When that athlete comes back, they’re not only physically stronger, but more mentally resilient for having gone through the challenge. There’s a new belief, a new resilience in them that says, “I can move through challenges and not only be okay, but be closer to that highest version of myself.”
A slight reframe: The path to healing and self-evolution is really the journey of transformation. Usually, we metaphorically think of this as the process of being a caterpillar to becoming a butterfly*: First, we are a caterpillar. Then, we wrap ourselves inside a cocoon. Third, we become MUSH, obsolete. From the mush, we transform into butterflies. But in order to REALLy be a butterfly, we have to fight our way out of the cocoon.
*The caterpillar and butterfly share the same DNA, but the genes are expressed differently. That, in itself, is metaphorical. Article Link
But what I really see for most people is little transformations inside a BIG transformation. Maybe we go through a small transformation in a few months or 1 year period, but then in 7* years, BOOM! We’re this new, amazing being flying high and living our best lives. (In other words, don’t give up. You’re right where you’re meant to be.)
*On AVERAGE, our body’s cells renew every 7 to 10 years. However, some cells are replaced every few days, and others take 70 years. Article Link
…And then there’s probably another evolution, but this time it’s easier because we’ve done it before and this higher version of ourselves knows that THIS IS A SIGN WE’RE ON THE RIGHT PATH.
A Dog and Her Girl 