Category: inner child

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Sensitivity: An Expansion

I like to define sensitivity as being highly attuned to both the external world and one’s internal world, which includes feeling one’s experience of it.

And really, we are all sensitive. Science shows us that our brains and bodies are constantly getting information from our environment, more stimuli than they were designed to handle, hence why training our attention is so important, or our brain will always default to the (often) perceived threat. If we have an unprocessed emotion like fear, the mind will create a negative belief by connecting past memories and weaving them together in a story-like structure, all designed to keep us safe- and it probably did, as a kid. As an adult, that negative belief is most likely our cage. 

Furthermore, we all have thousands of thoughts per day! (I’m not going to get into the scientific debate on exactly how many.) Most of us walk around completely unaware of our thoughts, which allows our subconscious to control our day without us knowing. This is while practices like mindfulness mediation and a parts work, which can help us explore and uproot negative beliefs, are so important. But back to the point of this post…

We are all sensitive beings. It’s part of being human. Some of us are just more sensitive than others, perhaps because of childhood trauma, which causes a child to become either hyper or hypoaroused (hypersensitivity helps a child be alert to their surroundings as a safety mechanism while hyposensitivity would help a child numb any sensitivity, a useful survival mechanism if they can not control what is happening to them or around them.)* Or, we may be genetically, or perhaps energetically, more sensitive. Oftentimes, it’s both: a combination of childhood experiences and a personal attribute. 

*We could also describe hyper as anxiety or ADHD and hypo as depression. It’s also common to see the two together, experiencing both anxiety and depression. If you’re tracking and know a bit about psychology, you’re probably realizing that this could appear as a bipolar diagnosis as well. I also had a professor in graduate school, Duey Freeman, describe anxiety as asking the question “Is it safe to be me?” and depression as “It’s not safe to be me.” So, another possible way of looking at this is the anxious feeling is actually the true self wanting to be released, with depression continually coming in as protection saying, “No, it’s not safe for you in this world.”

A highly sensitive individual is HIGHLY attuned to their external environment and internal world and feels it all, deeply. They are not only computing other people’s tone and facial reactions, their own and others (including animals) emotions, thoughts, past experiences, and the energy around them, but also ancestral lineage, stories and unhealed pains that have interwoven themselves throughout times*, messages from the spirit world, and a deep desire to heal. 

*Here, I’ll include Carl Jung’s idea of the Collective Unconscious and Eckhart Tolle’s description of the universal Pain Body. 

At least in part, I believe this makes the case that the problem is not emotions or sensitivity, but living in an emotionally unintelligent world that resists emotions (energy) rather than embracing them. Embracing emotions means we’re allowing more energy into our body, increasing our power (energy), and opens our hearts to not only our own pain but the suffering of others-humans and animals alike- as well.

Most highly sensitive individuals have to learn how to numb in some way because not only is all the information overwhelming to the human brain and at times painful, but because it is tragically undervalued and undernourished. 

If you are an adult reading this and resonating with this message, your work now is to:
– Nourish yourself: Embrace and nurture (offer compassion) to all the emotions that you had to suppress as a child to fit into your family, friend groups, church, or society at large. This includes loving your protector parts that you don’t like (like a perfectionist part or inner judge) because it most likely formed when it was not safe for you to shine and be your true, confident, sensitive self. Once your hidden gifts (sensitivities often come with deep intuition, connection to spirit guides, or healing powers) start to emerge, nurture them too as if you were nurturing an infant. We can only grow into our gifts, and who we are truly meant to be, through love. 
-Value your gifts: This will take some bravery at first. You will doubt yourself and ask “Who am I to do this/be this/offer this?” Remember, those voices are just protector parts that you can offer compassion and safety as you move forward. (Go slow. If you overdo it, the protector parts won’t feel safe and cling on stronger.) Keep practicing. Keep going. Find other highly sensitive individuals who are stepping into their gifts too, and cheer each other on. The best thing about living in 2025 is knowing there are others out there to connect with. Personally, I most appreciate working with my therapist (a fellow Naropa Alumni) as well as my Reiki coach/friend, and energetically connecting with my dog. I’ve also been part of Lee Harris’ Portal Community and follow many other healers and intuitives like Sarah Landon and Gabi Kovalenko. You belong. You were meant to be right here, right now. 

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Heart Warrior: Inside theFlames


My hardest battles have not been fought on a field or on the concrete blocks of life. 
My most hard-won battles have been the dark nights I lay in bed and endured the shrieks and cries of the demons taking residency in my mind. Their shameful shouts threatening my light…

The only way I find victory, or rather, transcendence, is by laying down my sword, putting all but my shield down. It’s not so much a battle as it is a refusal to take part. The demons continue to yell and shout, projecting their own fears onto me, repelled back by the Truth I still hold.

From the fierce love in my heart, I breathe a ring of fire around me. Around us. I watch the demons dance around the circle,​ on the other side of the flames, their shadows cast beyond the light. They can’t touch me here. Inside the flames, in the space of protection my heart created, I tend to the frightened and confused inner child within. Standing my ground, I take hold of her face with my pointer fingers gently pressed against her ears so she can’t hear the lies cast by the shadows. I look deep into her eyes, speaking without words, I let her know that she “is Good”. The only thing that matters ​is the love that bonds us. The only thing that matters is that we are together​. She is fiercely loved, and that is the only protection she ​will ever need. 

I look around and hear ​the demons now faint screams and watch as the ​shadows try to cling. I take a deep breath and ​exhale. The demons fade away on their own.

I am the Love Warrior.

You will never be alone.

In me, inside my flames, you will always be protected.

*********

I wrote this the morning after another battle, knowing the lies my mind were telling me and yet feeling all the intensity of my shadow self. Breathing my way to peace, while trying not to get caught in another round. This is the vision that came to me. And, with that, with these words, I have to pay homage to the other spiritual and Love Warriors that have influenced me, reminding me of this important archetype: Glennon Doyle (who wrote a book entitled “Love Warrior“. I tried to think of another title as not to mimic her work, but nothing better came to me) and Meggan Watterson (I was reading The Girl Who Baptized Herself at the time.)

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Freedom & Death

And isn’t freeing to know…
…that we are all going to die?

That everything matters…
…and nothing matters?

Soon, it will all disappear.

The clothes and cars, yes. The people too. And you, the human.
The human with the stories, beliefs, and attachments. The story of you.
The limitations. The doubt. 

So yes-

Go thrust yourself into the beauty of life.
Climb that mountain.
Have your adventures.
Dance under the stars.
No, better yet…
dance in front of a crowd a let everyone whisper, “I wish I was more like her.”
Become her. You are Her. Free.

Know this too:

The mountain that you didn’t climb,
the adventure you never had,
the relationship you were never in
-those things never really mattered.

Your perception of wrong or right, 
bad or good,
you can’t take those when you go.

So laugh, cry, sing.
Release and die into the moment.

Letting go.
Back to stardust.
Back to Light. 

Share

****

While we’re in these physically bodies, it is important we live, but live without the pressure of living and doing “things right” or trying to do “everything”, because then we’re living in fear, not love. Yet love is often a forgotten state for many of us, and it is through the death of our limitations- our beliefs, our stories of not enooughness, our shame, and the continual allowing and surrender of our emotions- that we can return to love. And so, it is through the “death” or our small self, that we can become free while incarnated, then reclaim our small self that is now inspired by Love rather than fear. 

***I alway feel like I have to add this too, to cover my therapist basis. It’s never us, unless it’s really our time and then there is no choosing, that wants to die. It is always a PATTERN or a PART. It’s a shame-based belief system that our soul is ready to let go of. That is, essentially, what is asking to be seen, loved, and let go of/die. Our souls want us to experience the joy of being alive.

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Meant to Be

If you were supposed to be “healed” by now, you would be.

If you were meant to have won that race, you would have.

If you were meant to still be with that person, you would be.

If you were meant to get that job, you would have.

If you were supposed to be father along by now, you would be.

If those plans were supposed to work out, they would have.

If that person was supposed to still be here, they would be.

If you were mean to make a different decision, you would have.

If life were meant to be different than it is right now, it would be. 

Breathe.

Everything that has happened was meant to happen. 

Everything that didn’t happen wasn’t meant to happen.

Everything that is meant to happen, will happen.

Breathe.

Here is where you will find your peace.

Suffering lies in the shoulds, attachments, and wishes of things being different than they are.

You have power, just not control (of the external).*

This doesn’t meant we stop learning or growing. In fact, this is the catalyst for growth.

Now that we know what happened is what was meant to happen, we CAN grow, as guilt and shame are what block us from blossoming. Acceptance, curiosity, and love become fertilizers. 

Breathe.

You are right where you are meant to be.

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An Easter Sermon

I started writing this on “Good Friday”, a day of mourning and reflection for many Christians.

That morning, while playing in the annual spring snow storm with my dog in Colorado, I wondered if I could still send my Catholic parents our weekly “Happy FriYay!” text.

After my mom sent a “Good Friday blessings” sticker to the group chat, I again texted my twin sister and again debated the question.

Meanwhile, as my sister and I were texting back and forth, my 13 year old cousin already texted back to the group chat. “Happy FriYay!”, she said. 

I admired​, in awe.

While baptized and with a few years of PSR (Parish School of Religion) under her belt, my cousin is less indoctrinated into the history of shame I had grown up in, having myself spent K-8th grade in Catholic school.

Historically, today was a day we were supposed to feel guilty, as it was embedded in us that Jesus had died for our sins. And as sinners, we must repent and mourn. I won’t even get into the projection of sins and the psychological effect this has on a 1st grader.

But did Jesus really say we should all mourn and feel the burden of shame for centuries to come?

I’m not an expert in the Bible, but I’m pretty sure there is no passage where Jesus tells someone they are a bad person for making a mistake, to feel shameful, and to go repent and prove they are worthy of God’s forgiveness.

Actually, I’m pretty sure Jesus forgave. Even to those who supposedly killed him, the Bible passage is, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” 

I’m pretty sure Jesus, having already reached enlightenment as a human, just forgave and kept on preaching compassion and loving your neighbor, no matter what. (Don’t ask me how so few people in the church see the above as “conditional love”, or fear based conditioning.​ In school, we weren’t supposed to ask questions.) 

Before I move on though, let me say I don’t hate organized religion. There’s so much beauty, so much kindness, charity, and healing that can happen just from having a community. And not all religions and churches flip the love script to such a fearful degree. I will also forever be grateful to the Catholic Church for helping my parents find solace and healing after losing siblings, their parents, and then their daughter (my older sister). 

What I am saying is, let’s preach real, true, unconditional love. (It’s a little silly that I have to put so many adjectives before the word “love”. Love should just mean love, but sadly it’s been turned on us so many times where it’s become necessary.) This means loving others when they believe different from us, and knowing if God doesn’t have an ego, They probably don’t care what we believe, either. (Personally, I don’t believe in god as a single entity, but the unification of all of us, all consciousness, as One Divine Being.) 

Beyond shame for our sins is an acknowledgment of our mistakes of forgetfulness. And by forgetfulness, what I mean is we only act poorly when we’ve forgotten the truth of who we are. If we are from God, if we are a slice of the pie (to paraphrase Wayne Dyer), we are all Rays of Light, made out of pure Love. It’s only when we forget this, believe in scarcity, and that we create and act out of fear. So what is important is realizing that this world has a history of crucifying those who preach Love, being it Jesus or Martin Luther King Jr., as well as leaving women out of the picture as much as possible. And while we’d all like to believe that we would have followed Jesus or MLK, the numbers show that most likely, we wouldn’t have. Which is why it’s so important that we look at our shadows now. The parts of that not only made mistakes and acted out of fear, but the parts of us that believe we’re not enough, that we are not already inherently worthy of all the Love of the Universe. 

That leads to the main focus of this sermon: What does it mean to rise?

Which, My Loves, my first be better answered in the question: What does it mean to die?

In spiritual communities, what we often say is that we all have the opportunity to die, often many deaths, before our physical departure. Actually, this is what Nature shows us too, as each seasonal cycle spins from nothingness, to growth, to fullness, and then death, back to nothingness. That is, before a rebirth. The physical body dies, but the energy, the Love, continues. 

What if death was simply a letting go of all the parts of us that were created out of forgetfulness, created out of fear? The parts of us that tell us mean stories about ourselves in our head, that like to criticize, and control. The parts of us that act out of greed or that ​were willing to do anything, just to feel better? 

And what if we just forgive all those parts? It wasn’t their fault. They were just going off of the story they were told. 

What if we just offer ourselves compassion? 

Acknowledging where we slipped up, seeing the wound underneath, and offering to our old selves something like “I know you were doing your best. You just go scared. You believed you weren’t loved. You forgot that you are already Love. It’s okay. I remember now.” 

And then we transform and transcend. We see the gifts and talents of our wounded parts. We rise above the stories of our head, the fear-based identities of our egos, and we return Home, back to our True Selves. 

This isn’t the story I was told as a kid, but my belief is that Jesus, as well as Mother Mary, and Mary Magdalene, had already died before their deaths. They had already risen above the wounded stories of human kind and remembered that their true form was Light & Love. And so, when Mary Magdalene saw Jesus emerge from the tomb on Easter, it was because she had already attuned herself to the frequency of Love, so that day, she was not only meeting Jesus, but herself as well. 

My Loves, if I haven’t made it clear already, we all have the opportunity to rise. Right here, right now. 

Yet, it’s okay if it takes some time and some deep inner work. It’s taken me years, and I’m definitely not all the way back Home to myself. And regardless, it’s going to happen. Now, or when your human self is at death’s door. But if it’s possible, why not start your ascent today?

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Power

Power is not found in proving your strength.
It is not in believing you’re enough.
It’s in knowing that you are Love.

***

In the past few weeks, I’ve had the opportunity to learn so much about myself, thanks to following my triggers, and the people who triggered them.

I remembered why I’m afraid to speak up.

I’m a woman. I was taught I’m not supposed to. I’m supposed to play it small, to be humble, to be meek. My place isn’t at the top.

No one spoke up for me.

I reflected on all my past relationships. Some were, blatantly, pretty bad (although never physically abusive). Although one of the bad ones was with a covert narcissist. (I’ve written about that before). Really, it was all so hidden to me, because I couldn’t see my own wounds. Yet finally I realized no one really supported me in my power. Whether it was politics, spirituality, or animal rights, I’d get shut down. There wasn’t a place for my beliefs. My unique view of the world wasn’t accepted, even though I would always at least consider theirs. So I wouldn’t exactly give in, I’d just shut up.

Of course there is strength in reserving your energy for yourself. My belief is, protect your energy about all else. Don’t just give it away to critical people or negative thoughts. But there’s a difference between protecting your energy and dimming your light.

My light, your light, my Love, was meant to shine.

If you feel like your own low beam, ask yourself the question, “Where did I learn to dim my light?” Heal that inner child wound. Be the one speaking up for him/her/them. Then go forth and shine, just as you were designed to do, because you are made of light.

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Breathe

Do you feel like you DO feel your emotions, but they just keep coming and nothing ever gets better?

The key is to BrEathe (be) WITH your emotions, not AS your emotions. 

Your own (deep) breath can be what soothes you, like an adult soothing a child (because to the brain, that’s really what is happening). You’re both feeling the emotion AND regulating your nervous system, telling your body that you are safe, and you are safe to feel.

Second, you do have to work with the story. For round one, just pause the story and feel the emotion. After, seek holes in your story. Was that really all your fault? Did that person really cut YOU off on purpose? And even if it is true, is it worth your energy? Is the belief helpful to you? (There of course might be deeper memories to work with and heal here.). What do you actually want to believe? What narrative best supports you?

With all of that, your big emotions still won’t just all go away in round one or two. You’ve probably been repressing emotions for 10, 20, 30, 40+ years. Healing takes some time, but it is just around the corner. Breathe.

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What inside of you is asking to be set free?

In my work as a psychotherapist, I have the pleasure of working with and learning from many artists. One of my clients recently showed me one of his wood carvings, and I was truly, truly amazed. I asked him how he did it. He said he really couldn’t explain how it felt (another energy seemed to take over), but he knew that anytime he had a pre-planned idea in mind of what he thought it should be, it never turned out as good.

I thought, “Wow.  What a great metaphor for therapy.” The truth is, most of us are buried beneath stories of who we should be. Therapy is the work of chipping away at those stories, setting free the most authentic version of ourselves.

We are all, individually, masterpieces.  Togher, we are part of an even grand tapestry, so big and amazing we can’t even comprehend while in physical form. Much of the tapestry is still covered in shadows.  But if you are willing to uncover your own masterpiece within, you invite others to take the covers off their own.  When you live your own authentic truth, you naturally set others free as well.

https://buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver/what-inside-asking-set-free
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Unravel

Healing isn’t found in the past, but in unraveling from it.

Some people give therapists bad raps for “just talking to people about their problems”. And I’m like “whoa, that’s not my job description.” But honestly… it is part of it, for a very good reason: Some people have never had a safe place to talk and experience their emotions, so just letting them talk and feel lets them know they’re okay, they’re safe, and just that can be healing.

And then the unraveling begins.

I‘ll just say a bit on this for now: You’re not who you think you are. (Take that Descartes). You’re identity (unless you’ve already unraveled) is a configuration of all your thoughts and beliefs and emotions experienced (or suppressed) from throughout your life time, but mainly, BEFORE THE AGE OF 8. Which means most of it’s subconscious (just below the surface of your awareness), especially as much of what you learned came from what you saw, what you felt, and the stories you created from it. And unless you were held and loved the majority of time you experienced big emotions, those stories probably aren’t good.

That sounds like a lot, I know. Breathe. (No seriously, breathe. Full belly breaths. It’s one of the best things you can do to heal your nervous system, which is probably out of whack from all those fear/not enough stories you’ve been telling yourself.)

The good news is, you can unravel. You can be free!

And your triggers (whatever sets off a big emotional response, or even depression can be a start) can get you there.

Here’s my basic process:

-Identify the trigger.

-Name the emotion (if possible) and BrEathe with it. This creates some safety.

-See if any past memory “floats” up. (To use EMDR phrasing)

– What was the story little you came up with to make sense of what was happening?
(ie. Dad is never home and doesn’t want to spend time with me. I must be unlovable.)

-Drop the story, and once again just BrEathe with the emotion. What does little you need?

-What’s a new story, one that you’d prefer to believe? (This is where you get to create!)

Last, remember the healing path is non-linear- it’s The Wanderlust Path- and it’s OKAY that it doesn’t come all at once. You’ll probably have to do this many times. But that’s okay, because you’re worth it.

As always, only if it feels good and empowering: https://buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver/unravel

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You are Your Purpose

Yesterday, as I was doing my normal uphill laps at our local ski resort, a gentleman who I had met and talked to in December stopped me. He said, “I told myself if I saw you again, I would stop you and say thank you for being so kind to me the day we talked.” Even as I type this, I feel happy, meaningful tears well up in my eyes. 

Even though I’m a therapist and a coach, I haven’t always felt like I’m living my purpose in this world, which is really just to be a light so I can mirror others’ own light back to them. I don’t always show up as the highest version of mySelf. And really, I know that’s because there’s so much darkness that still clouds my mind, which I know are just stories and old beliefs. 

And maybe that’s the work I still haven’t done. To truly reframe those old beliefs, let go of the shame, and allow the true me to unravel. Maybe it’s been a subconscious form of self-sabotage, not really believing I could do it or that I was worth the effort of creating a new narrative. 

Yet this man, giving me my gift right back, saw it. Saw the unwounded, unbound version of me. Without using words, he told me “You are your purpose.”

Because really, the more I’ve done my own inner work…the more I’ve BrEathed with my emotions, traced them back to core memories and witnessed the stories my mind created, the more I KNOW that we are all, inherently, enough. Anything else truly is just a story. We are all worthy of divine, unconditional love. 

****

A few notes: 

1). I usually ski on Tuesdays. It’s my favorite day to go because it’s the quietest. But after a client cancelled, I checked in with my intuition (something I’m very much just still practicing with) and I felt like Monday was the optimal choice.

2) That morning, I had done one of my favorite Gabrielle Bernstein exercises, “The Daily Design Method” (below) and I practiced feeling into my answers, envisioning how I wanted to feel in the things I knew I would be doing that day. This exercise, or any meditation focusing on feeling into your future or highest self, can be really powerful, and relates to what I mentioned about shedding the past and reframing old beliefs- or creating new ones altogether. 

-How do I want to feel today?

-Who do I want to be today?

-What do I want to receive today?

-What do I want to give today?

3. I want to be clear on this- therapy often gets a bad wrap for just “talking about problems”. While that can certainly be a component (a lot of people do feel better by just sharing, and it creates a sense of emotional safety), that’s actually a very tiny part of therapy. What it does entail finding compassion for ourselves, often by visiting old memories, the beliefs we created from them, and understanding our development. By unravelling, our true selves can emerge. IFS empathizes Self being revealed, while EMDR focuses on a structured process of past, present, and future, with the last phase being the true integration of how we want to feel and what we want to believe. This can be done in other ways, of course, like using the exercise above and meditations. But if we don’t get through some of the old cobwebs, blocks, or victim mentality (feeling hopeless or unworthy), it’s really hard to convince someone they deserve to feel good, as I believe, was my case (which was super subconscious).


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