Category: love

Posted on

Meant to Be

If you were supposed to be “healed” by now, you would be.

If you were meant to have won that race, you would have.

If you were meant to still be with that person, you would be.

If you were meant to get that job, you would have.

If you were supposed to be father along by now, you would be.

If those plans were supposed to work out, they would have.

If that person was supposed to still be here, they would be.

If you were mean to make a different decision, you would have.

If life were meant to be different than it is right now, it would be. 

Breathe.

Everything that has happened was meant to happen. 

Everything that didn’t happen wasn’t meant to happen.

Everything that is meant to happen, will happen.

Breathe.

Here is where you will find your peace.

Suffering lies in the shoulds, attachments, and wishes of things being different than they are.

You have power, just not control (of the external).*

This doesn’t meant we stop learning or growing. In fact, this is the catalyst for growth.

Now that we know what happened is what was meant to happen, we CAN grow, as guilt and shame are what block us from blossoming. Acceptance, curiosity, and love become fertilizers. 

Breathe.

You are right where you are meant to be.

Posted on

Failure Wrapped in Love

A Path to Enlightenment

Failure may actually be one of the best and most efficient ways to get in alignment with the truest and highest versions of ourselves. A path to really living our best lives. …IF we can wrap failure in love.

The more mistakes we make, the more we learn how a choice or path isn’t for us, or we realize the way in which we are trying to get where want to be is out of whack (fear-based), and the more we have the opportunity to remember who we really are.

Which takes us to the blocks around failure. Shame (a topic I’ll talk more about how to work with soon) prevents us from evolving and seeing the failure, or simply the situation, with clarity. When we get lost in shame and stories of how we’re bad or not enough, we can be assured we’ve identified with our subconscious programming (small selves/ego) and NOT our Higher Selves. The irony is that the more we stay in shame (which believes we’ll make a better choice if we’re super mean to ourselves), the more likely we’ll take the take the wrong path again, make the same mistake, and fail again. (If the emotion is in you and still in the shadows, you probably won’t even know when you’re doing this.)

Yet, if we see failure through the lens of love, or rather, we love ourselves when we make a mistakes, we open ourselves up to new ideas, paths, and…to use a super spiritual word, EXPANSION. Loving energy helps us see new options and make more optimal choices (we’re past good or bad when we’re in this space).

Because we know we “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them”, to quote Albert Einstein (a super spiritual dude and scientist), it’s not thinking about being kind to ourselves that’s going to get us out of this one. Which to me, is a relief, because my neural pathways are pretty set on how I really did screw things up. (Yes, I’m right here with you on this topic.) In addition to working with childhood memories on how our shame got its origins, what we can start doing is FEELING into the energy of compassion. Personally, I have no problem doing this with my sister, my dog, my dad, etc. Once I conjure up this feeling thinking of them, I can then PRACTICE (it is a practice) turning it towards myself. Try it our yourself.

I’ve got a lot more to say about shame coming up, when I have time to write more of my thoughts down. For now, here’s some food for thought and some compassion to feel into.

Posted on

Grief: A Word for Love


Grief is the ultimate transformer. We can ignore it, we can shove it down, and we can try to keep ourselves sewn together. Or, we can allow it to break us open.

Open into new dimensions of love.

The brain says grief is about loss. The heart says it’s about allowing yourself to expand into new dimensions beyond the physical body.

When we lose a loved one (human or animal), experience a break up, lose everything, we think “I can’t do this. This grief is too much for me to bear.” 

The blessing is we don’t have to hold it alone or keep it within the confines of the physical body. When we surrender to the grief and allow it to move, letting go of the story line, we open up to a power bigger than ourselves, an energy beyond our physical bodies, and energy that allows us to feel all of the grief built up inside of us. And, it is from this higher perspective that we can see more clearly and from this expanded energy we can feel with more clarity, knowing that is was all really Love. 

Here, we are reunited with all that we thought was lost and remember the truth of our being.

Buy Pacer a Treat

Posted on

An Easter Sermon

I started writing this on “Good Friday”, a day of mourning and reflection for many Christians.

That morning, while playing in the annual spring snow storm with my dog in Colorado, I wondered if I could still send my Catholic parents our weekly “Happy FriYay!” text.

After my mom sent a “Good Friday blessings” sticker to the group chat, I again texted my twin sister and again debated the question.

Meanwhile, as my sister and I were texting back and forth, my 13 year old cousin already texted back to the group chat. “Happy FriYay!”, she said. 

I admired​, in awe.

While baptized and with a few years of PSR (Parish School of Religion) under her belt, my cousin is less indoctrinated into the history of shame I had grown up in, having myself spent K-8th grade in Catholic school.

Historically, today was a day we were supposed to feel guilty, as it was embedded in us that Jesus had died for our sins. And as sinners, we must repent and mourn. I won’t even get into the projection of sins and the psychological effect this has on a 1st grader.

But did Jesus really say we should all mourn and feel the burden of shame for centuries to come?

I’m not an expert in the Bible, but I’m pretty sure there is no passage where Jesus tells someone they are a bad person for making a mistake, to feel shameful, and to go repent and prove they are worthy of God’s forgiveness.

Actually, I’m pretty sure Jesus forgave. Even to those who supposedly killed him, the Bible passage is, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” 

I’m pretty sure Jesus, having already reached enlightenment as a human, just forgave and kept on preaching compassion and loving your neighbor, no matter what. (Don’t ask me how so few people in the church see the above as “conditional love”, or fear based conditioning.​ In school, we weren’t supposed to ask questions.) 

Before I move on though, let me say I don’t hate organized religion. There’s so much beauty, so much kindness, charity, and healing that can happen just from having a community. And not all religions and churches flip the love script to such a fearful degree. I will also forever be grateful to the Catholic Church for helping my parents find solace and healing after losing siblings, their parents, and then their daughter (my older sister). 

What I am saying is, let’s preach real, true, unconditional love. (It’s a little silly that I have to put so many adjectives before the word “love”. Love should just mean love, but sadly it’s been turned on us so many times where it’s become necessary.) This means loving others when they believe different from us, and knowing if God doesn’t have an ego, They probably don’t care what we believe, either. (Personally, I don’t believe in god as a single entity, but the unification of all of us, all consciousness, as One Divine Being.) 

Beyond shame for our sins is an acknowledgment of our mistakes of forgetfulness. And by forgetfulness, what I mean is we only act poorly when we’ve forgotten the truth of who we are. If we are from God, if we are a slice of the pie (to paraphrase Wayne Dyer), we are all Rays of Light, made out of pure Love. It’s only when we forget this, believe in scarcity, and that we create and act out of fear. So what is important is realizing that this world has a history of crucifying those who preach Love, being it Jesus or Martin Luther King Jr., as well as leaving women out of the picture as much as possible. And while we’d all like to believe that we would have followed Jesus or MLK, the numbers show that most likely, we wouldn’t have. Which is why it’s so important that we look at our shadows now. The parts of that not only made mistakes and acted out of fear, but the parts of us that believe we’re not enough, that we are not already inherently worthy of all the Love of the Universe. 

That leads to the main focus of this sermon: What does it mean to rise?

Which, My Loves, my first be better answered in the question: What does it mean to die?

In spiritual communities, what we often say is that we all have the opportunity to die, often many deaths, before our physical departure. Actually, this is what Nature shows us too, as each seasonal cycle spins from nothingness, to growth, to fullness, and then death, back to nothingness. That is, before a rebirth. The physical body dies, but the energy, the Love, continues. 

What if death was simply a letting go of all the parts of us that were created out of forgetfulness, created out of fear? The parts of us that tell us mean stories about ourselves in our head, that like to criticize, and control. The parts of us that act out of greed or that ​were willing to do anything, just to feel better? 

And what if we just forgive all those parts? It wasn’t their fault. They were just going off of the story they were told. 

What if we just offer ourselves compassion? 

Acknowledging where we slipped up, seeing the wound underneath, and offering to our old selves something like “I know you were doing your best. You just go scared. You believed you weren’t loved. You forgot that you are already Love. It’s okay. I remember now.” 

And then we transform and transcend. We see the gifts and talents of our wounded parts. We rise above the stories of our head, the fear-based identities of our egos, and we return Home, back to our True Selves. 

This isn’t the story I was told as a kid, but my belief is that Jesus, as well as Mother Mary, and Mary Magdalene, had already died before their deaths. They had already risen above the wounded stories of human kind and remembered that their true form was Light & Love. And so, when Mary Magdalene saw Jesus emerge from the tomb on Easter, it was because she had already attuned herself to the frequency of Love, so that day, she was not only meeting Jesus, but herself as well. 

My Loves, if I haven’t made it clear already, we all have the opportunity to rise. Right here, right now. 

Yet, it’s okay if it takes some time and some deep inner work. It’s taken me years, and I’m definitely not all the way back Home to myself. And regardless, it’s going to happen. Now, or when your human self is at death’s door. But if it’s possible, why not start your ascent today?

Posted on

Power

Power is not found in proving your strength.
It is not in believing you’re enough.
It’s in knowing that you are Love.

***

In the past few weeks, I’ve had the opportunity to learn so much about myself, thanks to following my triggers, and the people who triggered them.

I remembered why I’m afraid to speak up.

I’m a woman. I was taught I’m not supposed to. I’m supposed to play it small, to be humble, to be meek. My place isn’t at the top.

No one spoke up for me.

I reflected on all my past relationships. Some were, blatantly, pretty bad (although never physically abusive). Although one of the bad ones was with a covert narcissist. (I’ve written about that before). Really, it was all so hidden to me, because I couldn’t see my own wounds. Yet finally I realized no one really supported me in my power. Whether it was politics, spirituality, or animal rights, I’d get shut down. There wasn’t a place for my beliefs. My unique view of the world wasn’t accepted, even though I would always at least consider theirs. So I wouldn’t exactly give in, I’d just shut up.

Of course there is strength in reserving your energy for yourself. My belief is, protect your energy about all else. Don’t just give it away to critical people or negative thoughts. But there’s a difference between protecting your energy and dimming your light.

My light, your light, my Love, was meant to shine.

If you feel like your own low beam, ask yourself the question, “Where did I learn to dim my light?” Heal that inner child wound. Be the one speaking up for him/her/them. Then go forth and shine, just as you were designed to do, because you are made of light.

Posted on

What inside of you is asking to be set free?

In my work as a psychotherapist, I have the pleasure of working with and learning from many artists. One of my clients recently showed me one of his wood carvings, and I was truly, truly amazed. I asked him how he did it. He said he really couldn’t explain how it felt (another energy seemed to take over), but he knew that anytime he had a pre-planned idea in mind of what he thought it should be, it never turned out as good.

I thought, “Wow.  What a great metaphor for therapy.” The truth is, most of us are buried beneath stories of who we should be. Therapy is the work of chipping away at those stories, setting free the most authentic version of ourselves.

We are all, individually, masterpieces.  Togher, we are part of an even grand tapestry, so big and amazing we can’t even comprehend while in physical form. Much of the tapestry is still covered in shadows.  But if you are willing to uncover your own masterpiece within, you invite others to take the covers off their own.  When you live your own authentic truth, you naturally set others free as well.

https://buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver/what-inside-asking-set-free
Posted on

Throw Your Hands Up!: The Joy of Surrender

Surrender doesn’t have to be an exasperated throwing up ​of your hands in despair, saying “I’ve give up.”

Surrender can be throwing your hands up in the air with a big “Yay!” I don’t have to figure everything out. I don’t have to do this alone!” 

Because really, you can trust a Higher Power. Your mind just doesn’t know that. (Endless hours spent on decision-making, anyone?)*

Surrender is allowing yourself to be fully Loved, despite any stories your mind has come up with to stay otherwise.

Surrender is trusting that you are Love, and that Love is guiding you. That Love knows the way. 

Surrender is letting Love more through you, fully. 

Really, it’s an act of enlightenment. It’s an act of celebration.

****

*Okay, so why do you overthink and are relatively certain that you can’t trust an inner voice or Higher Power to guide you? Great question!

For many of us, Love, or a decision we made, was invalidated or in some way made bad, like it negatively affected our parents. This is a big wound Gabor Mate talks about…when a child becomes an emotional caretaker for a parent (https://youtu.be/tool-R8VJ2Y?si=IbY20B8dPBzasdYG). Anyway, what happens then is that we create a story, usually about ourselves, about how we were wrong and in some way defected, so then all of these voices (based on a multitude of various experiences) try to come in to help us make the best decision…and that’s how we end up feeling crazy. Parts work is a great way to start to unravel from all these voices, but also…meditating, belly breathing, or any activity that quiets the mind can help us “hear” (for me, its more of a felt sense then translated by the mind) our Inner Guide**. 

** I know, I keep switching out Love, Higher Self, Inner Guide…go with what resonates for you.

Extra: It’s actually been really helpful for me to keep track​ of when I make a decision based on my mind vs one made from my heart, or intuition. I’ve often been amazed by some of the outcomes, which makes me want to trust it more…and it gives those “fear parts” some reassurance. 

As always, no pressure and only if it feels empowering: https://buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver

Posted on

Cloudy Days

On cloudy days, we know the sun is always right behind the clouds. It hasn’t disappeared, we just can’t see it.
The same thing goes for when our minds are clouded by negative thoughts. Our own inner light, as well as the light of Source, is always right there. 

And so, our thoughts are like clouds. It is only the stories we tell ourselves, and allowing them to build up, that block us from seeing the sun. When we see a thought earlier on (you might catch the emotion first, then the thought), we can notice it without attaching too it, and allow it to pass, so the sun is still felt.

This, my love, takes practice. Sometimes, when you’re feeling cloudy, you might just simply have to remember you’re not thinking clearly, and take some deep breaths. 

Your breath acts like the wind…breathe fully into the emotion (just the emotion, dropping the story), and let it begin to move with the exhale. Repeat. 

If there’s no movement, the thought or belief might be stuck. That’s okay. Again, this takes practice. Wait until another time, when you’re feeling some light, to get curious about the belief and its orgin.

Remember, the sun is always shining.

Absolutely no pressure! But if you find my writing valuable and have an extra few bucks, you’re welcome to “buy Pacer a treat”: buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver

Posted on

May You Be Free

From the depths of my soul
to the words that leave my
slightly dry and cracked Colorado lips
and to the energy that escapes my fingertips…

From the cages of your mind
and the stories that bind…

May you be free.

Is it time that heals
or each line that you unwind?

May you be free.

The pain is the stain
in the reality you perceive,
not the names you’ve slain,
but the blocks to what you may receive.

May you be free.

“If only, if only” is the futile game of the past,
memories you try to rehash,
never meant to last.

And in our attempts to protect
ourselves from the neglect
we pass fear on as the effect.

Yet it is from the past your soul tries to break free…
Free to allow all that may be.

May you be free.

The shame that you carry is not ingrained
in your name
and it is in vain
that you try to make yourself better when…
When you have always been enough.

Maybe if you just paused you would see.
Then you could let the old version of you leave.

“Let go, let go” of all that you think you know
and surrender to the flow.

May you be free.

You fear losing all you hold dear,
your love is sincere,
but in the grief of death,
is a new breath.

May you be free.

Love lies in the fall.
It is the place where pain is erased
and your soul escapes…
You return to the truth of it all.

May you be free.

God is not a person or place.
God is not a being found in the sky.
God is the energy that flies.
You are God, you body is just the vase.

May you be free.

Posted on

Love & Attention

Attention is not Love, but attention IS an important way we show Love.

When parents take time every day to put down their phones, work, and even to-do list to offer their full presence to their child(ren), they’re sending the messages: You matter. I care about you. You’re safe with me. Similarly, in a relationship, when one partner send a text to the other such as “I’m thinking of you” even on a day their busy, or on other days responds back in an appropriate time frame (this is absolutely individual and can vary by daily circumstance, but let’s say 1-3 hours) and makes time for a date or at least a phone call, their saying, “This relationship matters to me.” “I care about you.” This builds safety, which again, may not be Love in and of itself, but it is closely intertwined. 

So let me say it again: Attention is not love, but it is an important way we show Love. Attention says “You matter.” Existentially, attention says, “You exist.” But, because we so often conflate attention for Love, we can mistake negative attention for Love. On one side: At least we are important enough to have someone mad at me, be treated poorly, even abused. On the other hand, even hate can feel like Love, when it’s really just the chemical effect of attention: They hate me, which means I’m important (perhaps not conflating both attention and power with Love).

On an internal framework, this is the basis behind parts work. When we give the shadowed parts (as an example, think of your emotions when you get triggered) of ourselves attention they often ease up. I usually tell my clients that our parts are like little kids inside of us, just asking to be noticed (and treated with curiosity and compassion), and usually they’ll settle. 

Your attention is not power, but it is powerful. Use it with Love. 

* I’ve heard other professionals say attention is a form of Love, and I don’t disagree. I think it’s more of a matter of the subtle difference in how we’re defining the word. If we want to play semantics, I might say that “presence” is a better equivalent to Love. 

Blog at WordPress.com.