Category: Mother Nature

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Wanderlust: Forgetting to Remember, Better

The Non-Linear Path, Part 2

In my last post about the non-linear, or wanderlust, path, I wrote about how obstacles, or even finding yourself back in a pattern than you thought you healed from, can actually be a sign you’re on the right path. (Assuming you’ve done the inner work and you’re not actually talking about a closed door).

I talked a little bit about the “why” this happens, but I almost forgot my favorite reason. To paraphrase from A Course in Miracles:  forgetting helps us remember, better. 

If we choose. We could, of course, also choose to be defeated and continue to play the victim role. And many of us do this (I sure have) unknowingly. But this forgetting, these obstacles, are actually opportunities to help us fully step into our power. 

I remember, probably in grad school, learning about an experiment done on a tree that was grown in PERFECT conditions. Just the right amount of sunlight and water. No storms or high winds. All the right nutrients and soil conditions. The tree thrived for a while, and then…it wilted over. It may have had the perfect conditions, but not the right conditions to deepen its roots and build the resilience to thrive. 
(This actually says a lot about raising a child. In the early years, the child just needs love, love, love. And that safety in love is what helps the child feel brave enough to say…go play at the playground without their parents tracing every step. There’s a good chance the child will fall and bruise a knee. If the parent greets that child with a sense of calm and love, in a few minutes (or maybe in a few days), the child will most likely feel brave enough to go out and try again.)

In therapy, if you offer your therapist a list of intentions or goals for your inner world journey, you will most likely be tested. Not tested in a bad way, to prove yourself, but because your soul is eager to evolve and challenges help us strengthen our resolve, our faith in ourselves, and our faith in the divine. 

I love the tree example, but wildflowers are really my favorite example for what forgetfulness and challenges result in. Each summer, the high mountain wildflowers literally take my breath away. These flowers are anything but fragile. Short Flower Indian paintbrush grows between 10,700 and 13,100 ft where oxygen is reduced. Not only that, these flowers endure brutal (and magnificent) summer lightning storms. These are not flowers you’re just going to easily pull up by their roots. And, they are the most vibrant and stunning flowers you will ever see, because of their resilience. Maybe they know, and maybe they don’t, that the sun will always come after the storm. That new life will be born after death, and that seeing them can transform a soul. But you can choose to be inspired by the wildflowers. You can choose to be empowered. 

Author’s Note: The funny thing is… right after I shot the video for this post (see Substack, “The Wanderlust Path” or “Wanderlust Counseling” on Instagram), I took Pacer (my dog) for an evening walk to a dirt road up at higher elevation, ~25 minutes from my house. Most likely as I was taking a picture of my oh-so-adorable dog, I lost my car key! Yikes! And I could have absolutely let that get me down and add that as proof that the Universe does not have my back. Luckily, my sister only lived ~15 minutes away, and was able to pick me and my dog up before dark. I also had accidentally over dressed for the walk, so I was warm enough. And I also had accidentally left my back window rolled down when I wanted to give my dog some fresh air, which meant I could stand one the tire, grab my ski pole, and use it to unlock the front door. I also luckily keep a spare car key in my car, in case something like this ever happened. There’s probably a little more here too, something I can’t yet see. The main thing is that I am continuing to believe that the Universe has my back, and I’m always supported (even if the Universe has a tendency to often show up as my sister).

As always, only if it feels empowering: https://buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver

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If You’re on a Non-Linear Path, You’re on the Right Path

The path to healing, growth, and evolution isn’t linear. It’s not something to get frustrated about (but do honor your emotions). These obstacles and road bumps (different from roadblocks and closed doors) are actually signs YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH!

In fact, we know that obstacles and challenges are not only what make us stronger, but bring us closer to our true, most awesome (and authentic), selves.

Accepting this truth, that challenges are signs we’re on the right path, can keep us from getting stuck. It’s when we judge ourselves, “Why am I here again? I thought I healed this!” that we’re resisting the lesson and blocks us from 1) the opportunity to apply what we learned the last time and 2) prevents us from being curious*, “Hmm, why is this happening again?” “Why is this repeating?” “What do I have to learn here?” “How can I love myself more?”

* Curiosity is different from “trying to figure everything out”, which has more of a fear energy. Oh, self-judgement will never get you to healing, either!

This idea, that the path to healing and growth often happens in loops and includes challenges, can be applied to athletes too.

When I work with athletes who get injured, they usually end up working with a PT, commit to correcting poor form, or to consistently performing exercises that target underused muscles. When that athlete comes back, they’re not only physically stronger, but more mentally resilient for having gone through the challenge. There’s a new belief, a new resilience in them that says, “I can move through challenges and not only be okay, but be closer to that highest version of myself.”

A slight reframe: The path to healing and self-evolution is really the journey of transformation. Usually, we metaphorically think of this as​ the process of being a caterpillar to​ becoming a butterfly​*: First, we are a caterpillar. Then, we wrap ourselves inside a cocoon. Third, we become MUSH, obsolete. From the mush, we transform into butterflies. But in order to REALLy be a butterfly, we have to fight our way out of the cocoon. 

​*The caterpillar and butterfly share the same DNA, but the genes are expressed differently. That, in itself, is metaphorical. Article Link

But what I really see for most people is little transformations inside a BIG transformation. Maybe we go through a small transformation in a few months or 1 year period, but then in 7* years, BOOM! We’re this new, amazing being flying high and living our best lives. (In other words, don’t give up. You’re right where you’re meant to be.)

*On AVERAGE, our body’s cells renew every 7 to 10 years. However, some cells are replaced every few days, and others take 70 years. Article Link

…And then there’s probably another evolution, but this time it’s easier because we’ve done it before and this higher version of ourselves knows that THIS IS A SIGN WE’RE ON THE RIGHT PATH.

As always, only if it feels empowering: https://buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver

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Throw Your Hands Up!: The Joy of Surrender

Surrender doesn’t have to be an exasperated throwing up ​of your hands in despair, saying “I’ve give up.”

Surrender can be throwing your hands up in the air with a big “Yay!” I don’t have to figure everything out. I don’t have to do this alone!” 

Because really, you can trust a Higher Power. Your mind just doesn’t know that. (Endless hours spent on decision-making, anyone?)*

Surrender is allowing yourself to be fully Loved, despite any stories your mind has come up with to stay otherwise.

Surrender is trusting that you are Love, and that Love is guiding you. That Love knows the way. 

Surrender is letting Love more through you, fully. 

Really, it’s an act of enlightenment. It’s an act of celebration.

****

*Okay, so why do you overthink and are relatively certain that you can’t trust an inner voice or Higher Power to guide you? Great question!

For many of us, Love, or a decision we made, was invalidated or in some way made bad, like it negatively affected our parents. This is a big wound Gabor Mate talks about…when a child becomes an emotional caretaker for a parent (https://youtu.be/tool-R8VJ2Y?si=IbY20B8dPBzasdYG). Anyway, what happens then is that we create a story, usually about ourselves, about how we were wrong and in some way defected, so then all of these voices (based on a multitude of various experiences) try to come in to help us make the best decision…and that’s how we end up feeling crazy. Parts work is a great way to start to unravel from all these voices, but also…meditating, belly breathing, or any activity that quiets the mind can help us “hear” (for me, its more of a felt sense then translated by the mind) our Inner Guide**. 

** I know, I keep switching out Love, Higher Self, Inner Guide…go with what resonates for you.

Extra: It’s actually been really helpful for me to keep track​ of when I make a decision based on my mind vs one made from my heart, or intuition. I’ve often been amazed by some of the outcomes, which makes me want to trust it more…and it gives those “fear parts” some reassurance. 

As always, no pressure and only if it feels empowering: https://buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver

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You are Your Purpose

Yesterday, as I was doing my normal uphill laps at our local ski resort, a gentleman who I had met and talked to in December stopped me. He said, “I told myself if I saw you again, I would stop you and say thank you for being so kind to me the day we talked.” Even as I type this, I feel happy, meaningful tears well up in my eyes. 

Even though I’m a therapist and a coach, I haven’t always felt like I’m living my purpose in this world, which is really just to be a light so I can mirror others’ own light back to them. I don’t always show up as the highest version of mySelf. And really, I know that’s because there’s so much darkness that still clouds my mind, which I know are just stories and old beliefs. 

And maybe that’s the work I still haven’t done. To truly reframe those old beliefs, let go of the shame, and allow the true me to unravel. Maybe it’s been a subconscious form of self-sabotage, not really believing I could do it or that I was worth the effort of creating a new narrative. 

Yet this man, giving me my gift right back, saw it. Saw the unwounded, unbound version of me. Without using words, he told me “You are your purpose.”

Because really, the more I’ve done my own inner work…the more I’ve BrEathed with my emotions, traced them back to core memories and witnessed the stories my mind created, the more I KNOW that we are all, inherently, enough. Anything else truly is just a story. We are all worthy of divine, unconditional love. 

****

A few notes: 

1). I usually ski on Tuesdays. It’s my favorite day to go because it’s the quietest. But after a client cancelled, I checked in with my intuition (something I’m very much just still practicing with) and I felt like Monday was the optimal choice.

2) That morning, I had done one of my favorite Gabrielle Bernstein exercises, “The Daily Design Method” (below) and I practiced feeling into my answers, envisioning how I wanted to feel in the things I knew I would be doing that day. This exercise, or any meditation focusing on feeling into your future or highest self, can be really powerful, and relates to what I mentioned about shedding the past and reframing old beliefs- or creating new ones altogether. 

-How do I want to feel today?

-Who do I want to be today?

-What do I want to receive today?

-What do I want to give today?

3. I want to be clear on this- therapy often gets a bad wrap for just “talking about problems”. While that can certainly be a component (a lot of people do feel better by just sharing, and it creates a sense of emotional safety), that’s actually a very tiny part of therapy. What it does entail finding compassion for ourselves, often by visiting old memories, the beliefs we created from them, and understanding our development. By unravelling, our true selves can emerge. IFS empathizes Self being revealed, while EMDR focuses on a structured process of past, present, and future, with the last phase being the true integration of how we want to feel and what we want to believe. This can be done in other ways, of course, like using the exercise above and meditations. But if we don’t get through some of the old cobwebs, blocks, or victim mentality (feeling hopeless or unworthy), it’s really hard to convince someone they deserve to feel good, as I believe, was my case (which was super subconscious).


As always, no pressure/only if it feels empowering: buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver

Instagram video: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DHosWSQylYJ/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

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May You Be Free

From the depths of my soul
to the words that leave my
slightly dry and cracked Colorado lips
and to the energy that escapes my fingertips…

From the cages of your mind
and the stories that bind…

May you be free.

Is it time that heals
or each line that you unwind?

May you be free.

The pain is the stain
in the reality you perceive,
not the names you’ve slain,
but the blocks to what you may receive.

May you be free.

“If only, if only” is the futile game of the past,
memories you try to rehash,
never meant to last.

And in our attempts to protect
ourselves from the neglect
we pass fear on as the effect.

Yet it is from the past your soul tries to break free…
Free to allow all that may be.

May you be free.

The shame that you carry is not ingrained
in your name
and it is in vain
that you try to make yourself better when…
When you have always been enough.

Maybe if you just paused you would see.
Then you could let the old version of you leave.

“Let go, let go” of all that you think you know
and surrender to the flow.

May you be free.

You fear losing all you hold dear,
your love is sincere,
but in the grief of death,
is a new breath.

May you be free.

Love lies in the fall.
It is the place where pain is erased
and your soul escapes…
You return to the truth of it all.

May you be free.

God is not a person or place.
God is not a being found in the sky.
God is the energy that flies.
You are God, you body is just the vase.

May you be free.

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Her

If you want to know Her…

…you have to let Her come to you.

If He is the Sun, She is the Moon…

Mysterious and wild.

You must be willing to let go of any stories you’ve read about Her. Drop any preconceived notions about who she was and supposed to be, and allow Her to show you exactly who She is.

Anything else, and She won’t feel “safe” enough to reveal Herself to you. She will never abandon you, but She will only go where She knows she is accepted, where She is free.

****

*”Safe”, I agree, is an interesting word choice, but it’s the best word that came to me. She, the Divine Feminine, the Divine Mother, the Goddess, doesn’t really have a “fuck you” attitude, but She is- in how She shows up for me- fierce and graceful. So it’s not so much that she needs protection, but She’s not going to move in places where there is resistance to Her. Or, personally, if my mind is lending to the fear stories in my mind, I can’t hear Her.

**A little celebration: I, or a version of me I am transforming, is extremely indecisive. Last night, I got flustered and frustrated when I couldn’t choose what route I wanted to ski. But I tapped into a state of “knowing” (really, just telling myself “I am someone who knows and doing a quick 3 second I’m just going to decide (thank you Gabby Bernstein) exercises this morning, and I made the decision that my mind less approved of because it was the easier route, but I heard HER, just over that fear. And somehow, amazingly, I got to the trail just before the city workers did, who were plowing the road for the next mile because it was melting fast and they wanted to give the ski mobiles a little more time, allowing them to part at the next trailhead. But the awesome city work let me park my car in the road (I drove up a bit to drop my gear off and Pacer’s Supergirl Sled before planning on hiking back up), closed the gate behind me, and we had Cottonwood Road ALL TO OURSELVES! I really couldn’t have planned that better. So thank you, Divine Feminine /my intuition.

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(Just for) Attention

I spend each night simply feeling my emotions.

I’ve got at least 30+ years of them suppressed and repressed inside of me.

Not because of parents who didn’t care, just parents who weren’t there. Or maybe there, but didn’t know how to comfort an alien (re: very sensitive) child.

So now, it’s a fight. But I resist the urge to text an ex.

I simply breathe into the anxiety in my chest. “It’s just a feeling”, I tell myself.

Yet I can’t deny the glow of my phone and I give it one quick scroll.

Really, I’m hoping one of them, or anyone, messaged me first.

Really, I just want the attention.

I know it’s a drug, but my mind calls it love.

It’s a quick fix.

A yearning I’m trying to nix.

“They” say if I sit with this feeling, this anxiousness, this yearning-
this fear- long enough, that eventually what I seek I shall find within me.

How much longer?

I am filled with faith and doubt. Hope laced with despair.

Self-love hasn’t been a thing since…

ever?

But I’ve been practicing.
With a little parts work and some psycho ed, I’ve started to quiet the voices in my head.

I know “enoughness” is only a game the ego plays.

I understand the stages of development and early childhood programming,
how unsupported emotions turn into stories that turn into nightmares.
It’s all in the subconscious.

In theory, I understand it all.

But this yearning…

I continue to breathe. Being with myself, the good parent, the nurturing mom, as best I can. I allow my inner child to be as she needs. I don’t encourage her stories. I just offer her my presence instead.

And for tonight, that will have to be, enough.

I rest.

******

Most of us mistake attention for love, as attention to a child is being seen by a parent. And if a child is at least seen, they’re safe. Safe-ish. Which is why even negative attention is good, as it at least proves our existence. What most of us really wanted as a child is our parents or caregivers’ presence. Presence, in a way, is god-like. Presence, in pure form, is love. A child who cries and can turn to a parent in their vulnerable state and simply be held, regulated by the gentle rise and fall of their parent’s chest, feels safe, feels loved, and can process their emotion and move on without an emotion being trapped by a story the mind created to make sense of a situation. In psychotherapy, we usually call a child who received this regularly “securely attached.” The rest of us didn’t develop that way, not because we weren’t loved, but because our parents or caregivers were simply passing down what they learned, and most likely, were doing better than their parents did, or could do. 

If you have this wound, there’s a good chance you continually find yourself in relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, or simply feel confused, hurt, and unseen when a relationship ends. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s an opportunity to go within and be your own healer. We, YOU, can heal all of this by “re-parenting” yourself with the unconditional love (some of your parts will refute this at first) you always deserved. One of the best steps I have found is simply to turn towards (as much as feels safe) an emotion as a witness (rather than attaching to it) and simply take deep breaths into the heart and belly. This isn’t a “one and done” thing. It’s a continual practice, allowing our inner child to trust us by repeatedly showing up for his/her/their needs and being the loving presence they have always deserved.

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A Mother’s Love

(Written from the perspective of the Divine Mother archetype)

I love you. I appreciate you. I am grateful that you’re here.
I love all of my sons, my sons turned turned husbands, turned fathers.

But I never wanted, never needed, you to fight for me.
I love you too much to ask you to pick up a gun.
I only wanted you to choose me.
I only wanted you to vote for me.

I forgive you.

May you be released of your pain and any guilt or shame you may carry.
I know you did not want to kill your brother, your sister, your father, or me, your mother. Anger and self-hate clouded your vision, and I know you could not see. Release your burden. I hold you in no blame. You are my son (my child) and for you, I only have love.

Your anger, it is sacred- but it must be processed. The pain beneath it, witnessed.
Only then you can align yourself with love and take divinely- led action.

An ask for you…

Please forgive your earthly mother. I know she hurt you and denied you of her, a mother’s love. She was doing her best to survive in a world built by men, a world that said you must be turn and must not feel. Perceiving she had lost her power, she tried to reclaim what was remained by playing your father’s game. She gave you the little love she could when she was lost herself, deprived of the same love in which you craved.

Please forgive your father. He had to be distant in the absence of himself, for when we forget the feminine, we all suffer. Or, if he too, was angry, please forgive him… he too was acting out in his own grief, the loss of what he most desired: a mother’s love.

My child, you have been taught you were unworthy, the result of fear trying to erase me. But I am always here. I am always ready to hold you in my arms, ready to bring you back home to what has always been yours. Give me your sins, your fear, your wrong-doings, and your pain. I will take them from you and transmute them. I will return you to what is yours, but was never truly lost, only pushed away and forgotten. A mother’s love. Fierce and unconditional.

I love you, always.

Your Divine Mother

*****

We are living in a world where the Divine Feminine has been erased out of history books, including spiritual texts, texts that saw women in positions of power and leadership. Mary, mother of Jesus, is recognized in the bible for little more than her “purity” and birthing Jesus, excluding the fact that she herself was most likely a high priestess. Sexual creatures or not (minus the “not”), it is women that will always birth the light. Then we have Mary Magdalene, most likely Jesus’s most “beloved” disciple, possibly partner/wife, and high priestess, but whose role was greatly reduced in the hand-picked passages of the bible (in 1969, the Catholic Church admitted that it had “been mistaken” for calling Mary Magdalene a sex worker- although this version was still portrayed in the 90s while when I attended Catholic school.) Still, we must consider why the church repeatedly found it so important diminish, or make bad, the act of sex. These are just two of the well known examples in the “land of many.” But the point is… when we rob the world of the Divine Feminine, there will be no peace, we will not be whole. In Her removal of our story, many of us have not experienced divine, unconditional love, resulting in a split from ourSelves, Spirit and ego*. This separation is the source excruciating pain. In attempt to diminish this pain, the ego paradoxically turned on itself, further cementing its identity. And so, our first step into bringing Her back is realizing, no matter what (non) gender you are, She is within all of us, and we can all embody the Divine Mother archetype anytime we so choose… we just have to be willing to choose it.

(It would also be worth writing about the Divine Father, which I will defer here for length. What I can say is that the Divine Father being revealed will be a natural cause of the Divine Mother being remembered and accepted. These two divinities co-exist in union, and when one is hidden, the other is also turned into a shadow, hence why the shadow or “toxic” side of the masculine is now at the forefront of our world at large.)

*****

If you are a military veteran (whom I recognize as various genders), I 100% understand why you would feel defensive around this post. Without elongating my story, I imagine I would be too, being in your position. However, it is always worthy to question why we feel defensive when there is no real threat posed…I’m a 5’4″ psychotherapist who does not, and will not, own a gun. My mission is to preach (real) Love, which, along with the voices of others, will hopefully one day result in war no longer being a consideration as a way to handle conflict. My goal is to remind you that your are infinitely, profoundly, Loved.

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Feminine Power

It’s powerful to remember, to accept, that my soul came here for this exact moment in history.

Yes, but only partially, to be a light in the dark. Mainly, to help everyone else remember, we ARE the fucking light. We are love and light enshrouded in stardust.* We’re not here to banish the dark, but to say “I am stronger than you, and I will rise above.” And then we thank the dark, because without it, we wouldn’t know who we truly are.

If you’re reading this, I know your soul came to be here for this moment, too. Thank you. It feels so good that we are unified together, by what we are made of. Not the false, ridiculous , fear-based love that some church’s tried to drug us up on…but real love. True feminine love that has no place for hate, cruelty, misogyny… not even to those who deal out the devil’s (fear’s) cards. Feminine love embraces all, holding the potential to transmute any fear back into light.

This isn’t a battle to be fought with guns and armor made of fear, but with love and swords made of grace. And it’s fucking fierce.

And it feels good…like shattered glass, no doors, and wind that blows freely through. Only blue sky and sunshine to roam, birds flying by our side. It feels Free. .

*If you’re confused by the stardust theory, I highly recommend Michael A. Singer’s book, Living Untethered.

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Ways of theWild

The wild don’t worry*…

The wild don’t have anxiety, believe in the fear-based thoughts the mind conjures, nor do they pay homage to the ego, have ties to achievement, or fears of not being enough, especially when following their heart, a path that might not lead to outward acclaim. The wild are true only to their souls.

At the same time, the wild are not reckless. They don’t egoically override fear to prove their superiority over it, which ultimately strengthens their ego identity. When making decisions, there’s no debate among the voices in their head, or even if there is, the wild can see them as fears. Instead, the wild use intuition. Their hearts are the only compass they need. They both love life and do not fear death. The wild care only about protecting the innocence of the inner child. 

Guided by love and not fear, guided not by the mind but by the soul, the wild are free. 

*This phrase was first said to me by Denise Mange, founder of Pet Prana, who is a pet trainer and animal communicator. She said this to me during a session with her after I said that I almost always worry about Pacer when we’re out adventuring. This made me realize that most of my fear voices, “Do we turn back? Do we keep going? Is Pacer happy?”, were mine and not Pacer’s. Pacer is happy just being outside (especially with her pack), and as always, will tell me when she wants to turn or slow down. It’s only the voices, or parts arguing in my head, that in the past would leave me confused. And truly, my fears and my general anxiety/hypervigilance around life have affected Pacer, who can pick up on my stress, causing her to be excessively protective of me. This obviously wasn’t good for her, and because I love Pacer more than anything in the world, forced me to look at myself. Really, Pacer was asking me to step into my own power, to start trusting myself and my intuition again (I’ve done quite a bit of parts work to unravel myself from the thoughts blocking me from my intuition), so we could both return to our wild nature. 

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