"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ." – The Little Prince
If you were supposed to be “healed” by now, you would be.
If you were meant to have won that race, you would have.
If you were meant to still be with that person, you would be.
If you were meant to get that job, you would have.
If you were supposed to be father along by now, you would be.
If those plans were supposed to work out, they would have.
If that person was supposed to still be here, they would be.
If you were mean to make a different decision, you would have.
If life were meant to be different than it is right now, it would be.
Breathe.
Everything that has happened was meant to happen.
Everything that didn’t happen wasn’t meant to happen.
Everything that is meant to happen, will happen.
Breathe.
Here is where you will find your peace.
Suffering lies in the shoulds, attachments, and wishes of things being different than they are.
You have power, just not control (of the external).*
This doesn’t meant we stop learning or growing. In fact, this is the catalyst for growth.
Now that we know what happened is what was meant to happen, we CAN grow, as guilt and shame are what block us from blossoming. Acceptance, curiosity, and love become fertilizers.
Grief is the ultimate transformer. We can ignore it, we can shove it down, and we can try to keep ourselves sewn together. Or, we can allow it to break us open.
Open into new dimensions of love.
The brain says grief is about loss. The heart says it’s about allowing yourself to expand into new dimensions beyond the physical body.
When we lose a loved one (human or animal), experience a break up, lose everything, we think “I can’t do this. This grief is too much for me to bear.”
The blessing is we don’t have to hold it alone or keep it within the confines of the physical body. When we surrender to the grief and allow it to move, letting go of the story line, we open up to a power bigger than ourselves, an energy beyond our physical bodies, and energy that allows us to feel all of the grief built up inside of us. And, it is from this higher perspective that we can see more clearly and from this expanded energy we can feel with more clarity, knowing that is was all really Love.
Here, we are reunited with all that we thought was lost and remember the truth of our being.
Power is not found in proving your strength. It is not in believing you’re enough. It’s in knowing that you are Love.
***
In the past few weeks, I’ve had the opportunity to learn so much about myself, thanks to following my triggers, and the people who triggered them.
I remembered why I’m afraid to speak up.
I’m a woman. I was taught I’m not supposed to. I’m supposed to play it small, to be humble, to be meek. My place isn’t at the top.
No one spoke up for me.
I reflected on all my past relationships. Some were, blatantly, pretty bad (although never physically abusive). Although one of the bad ones was with a covert narcissist. (I’ve written about that before). Really, it was all so hidden to me, because I couldn’t see my own wounds. Yet finally I realized no one really supported me in my power. Whether it was politics, spirituality, or animal rights, I’d get shut down. There wasn’t a place for my beliefs. My unique view of the world wasn’t accepted, even though I would always at least consider theirs. So I wouldn’t exactly give in, I’d just shut up.
Of course there is strength in reserving your energy for yourself. My belief is, protect your energy about all else. Don’t just give it away to critical people or negative thoughts. But there’s a difference between protecting your energy and dimming your light.
My light, your light, my Love, was meant to shine.
If you feel like your own low beam, ask yourself the question, “Where did I learn to dim my light?” Heal that inner child wound. Be the one speaking up for him/her/them. Then go forth and shine, just as you were designed to do, because you are made of light.
I’ve got at least 30+ years of them suppressed and repressed inside of me.
Not because of parents who didn’t care, just parents who weren’t there. Or maybe there, but didn’t know how to comfort an alien (re: very sensitive) child.
So now, it’s a fight. But I resist the urge to text an ex.
I simply breathe into the anxiety in my chest. “It’s just a feeling”, I tell myself.
Yet I can’t deny the glow of my phone and I give it one quick scroll.
Really, I’m hoping one of them, or anyone, messaged me first.
Really, I just want the attention.
I know it’s a drug, but my mind calls it love.
It’s a quick fix.
A yearning I’m trying to nix.
“They” say if I sit with this feeling, this anxiousness, this yearning- this fear- long enough, that eventually what I seek I shall find within me.
How much longer?
I am filled with faith and doubt. Hope laced with despair.
Self-love hasn’t been a thing since…
ever?
But I’ve been practicing. With a little parts work and some psycho ed, I’ve started to quiet the voices in my head.
I know “enoughness” is only a game the ego plays.
I understand the stages of development and early childhood programming, how unsupported emotions turn into stories that turn into nightmares. It’s all in the subconscious.
In theory, I understand it all.
But this yearning…
I continue to breathe. Being with myself, the good parent, the nurturing mom, as best I can. I allow my inner child to be as she needs. I don’t encourage her stories. I just offer her my presence instead.
And for tonight, that will have to be, enough.
I rest.
******
Most of us mistake attention for love, as attention to a child is being seen by a parent. And if a child is at least seen, they’re safe. Safe-ish. Which is why even negative attention is good, as it at least proves our existence. What most of us really wanted as a child is our parents or caregivers’ presence. Presence, in a way, is god-like. Presence, in pure form, is love. A child who cries and can turn to a parent in their vulnerable state and simply be held, regulated by the gentle rise and fall of their parent’s chest, feels safe, feels loved, and can process their emotion and move on without an emotion being trapped by a story the mind created to make sense of a situation. In psychotherapy, we usually call a child who received this regularly “securely attached.” The rest of us didn’t develop that way, not because we weren’t loved, but because our parents or caregivers were simply passing down what they learned, and most likely, were doing better than their parents did, or could do.
If you have this wound, there’s a good chance you continually find yourself in relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, or simply feel confused, hurt, and unseen when a relationship ends. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s an opportunity to go within and be your own healer. We, YOU, can heal all of this by “re-parenting” yourself with the unconditional love (some of your parts will refute this at first) you always deserved. One of the best steps I have found is simply to turn towards (as much as feels safe) an emotion as a witness (rather than attaching to it) and simply take deep breaths into the heart and belly. This isn’t a “one and done” thing. It’s a continual practice, allowing our inner child to trust us by repeatedly showing up for his/her/their needs and being the loving presence they have always deserved.
Fear is a memory stored in our cells. A memory from the past where we were left alone with big emotions and no one supportive caregiver to help us process the experience. Someone to give us safety and Love, or rather, find safety in Love.
Fear is what keeps us from our true selves.
It is NOT overcoming all the things that scare you. It IS facing the voices in your head and the emotions that once felt too big to feel.
Fear is what prevents you from your potential. Not your potential to achieve and be “great”… for that need for achievement to be seen as “enough” is exactly the voice we have to examine.
Fear is what blocks you from your fullest expression. From being all the Love that is within you, from loving every moment of life, every being on earth, and from truly loving yourself… not for “doing”, but now, exactly as you are
It is by releasing this fear (perhaps by examining each trigger and every way you protect yourself from feeling pain and feeling Love… there is more than one path, this was simply mine) that you can come to know who you truly are and what you came here to do.
It is in this place that we recognize that healing begins in the mind, by unlearning past stories, and recognizing that Love is all that exists. Fear is just a story that is repeatedly retold and projected upon.
We can heal together.
We are not meant to do everything on our own. We’re here with others so we can support one another. Only the ego tells us we have to do it alone, for that is what it learned to survive… when our child selves had needs of love and connection that went unmet.
Emotions are not meant to be felt in isolation, though you may begin with accessing the Love within you to alchemize the fear of the past.
At the core, there is only hurt (confusion) and sadness from feeling separate. All other emotions stem from those.* Fear is that we can never reconnect. To avoid the helplessness of confusion, we tell ourselves stories of “not enoughness”.
*This essay is mainly channeled, with a few edits. I’ve got to think about this one a bit more, but I think it’s right.
Shame is the fear, the belief, you are not enough, that you are bad, that you have done something wrong. You’re damaged goods. This is the fear of the ego, the energy that feeds it.
Shame is a lie, as are more of the stories we tell ourselves. To do something “worthy” is just an act of trying to feel connected to something greater than ourselves, but the type of worthiness based on doing belongs to a false god.
Again, you have always belonged, you have always been enough. Our fear is that we don’t, that we aren’t, and this is how fear drives us. It drives us to be better, to do better, and pushes the lie.
In order to break the lie, you have to stop doing and start remembering, breaking free from the darkness and recognizing the light.
You have to believe in Love and the truth of your own divinity so much that you stop acting in a way that tries to prove your worth because that only strengthens what is untrue.
Remember who you are in stillness. Remember who you are in loving everyone you come to meet. If they respond in anger, they have simply forgotten who they are and use anger to cover up the despair.
Love more. Love is the only healing salve.
We all need to stop and unravel ourselves from the identity of doers, which enforces the ego. We have to stop and be in the stillness, to be here now. To hear the voice of Love that comes with no conditions but pure acceptance.
We are Love. You are Love. Return to it by remembering. Then move how Love flows.
Life is a paradox. Relationships are no exception to this rule. In fact, relationships are probably the “exception that proves the rule.” Which means, for me, the more I have accepted that I am the problem in relationships, the more clarity I have gained in realizing I wasn’t the problem. I was attracting the wrong people. That I was, actually, in relationships with partners who couldn’t meet my wants or treat me in the ways I deserved to be treated.
If you haven’t read my first relationship post yet, Relationships: The Problem is Me, I highly recommend starting there, because both these things, that I both was and wasn’t the problem, are absolutely true. I had to admit how I protected myself from love, admit to my own fear-based behaviors, examine my belief systems around relationships, and how I related to myself, before being ready to receive love..
The catch is, if you are coming from a place of emotional immaturity* (from a therapeutic view) or low vibration (spiritual perspective), it’s almost impossible to attract the love and the relationship you want. It’s more likely that you will be provided with a mirror, or someone who reflects back to you all your wounds…especially if you are someone who came to this planet to self-actualize (or rather, heal all wounds to become the truest version of one’s self). Personally, I wasn’t attracting (with a few exceptions) men who could mirror love back to me but instead men who mirrored back my fears, doubts, and demons in my head.
*Just like I don’t use ignorance with a negative connotation, neither do I use the word “immature”. Actually, the more we admit these things, sometimes the smarter we are. Emotional immaturity really just means someone is still learning how to interpret and metabolize their emotions in order to gain a greater sense of peace. What really matters with ignorance and immaturity is that one is willing to grow.
Another way to say this is that intimate* (in-to-me-you-see) relationships will reflect back to you exactly how you see yourself, which may be completely unconscious.
*A friend recently pointed out to me that other relationships, be it friendships or mentorships, reveal back to us how amazing and lovable we truly are.
To be completely apparent with you, the lovely reader, it’s pretty sad how many guys have apologized to me for treating me poorly, including one that maybe didn’t need to and 2 or 3 others that should have. It’s probably obvious from your kind, outside perspective that I shouldn’t have been treated poorly, but it does reveal my inner world. No one has ever been more critical, judgmental, punishing, abusive, conditional, or dismissing of me than me. At least in my recent past.
Another paradox worth noting here: Not all attraction means you should be with someone.
Obi-Wan and his wife helped me with this one, so I won’t take credit, but I wanted to share it because this is something we should have all learned in high school. We can be attracted to various and many people throughout our lives. Some will probably become friends. We may find others appealing to look at. Others we may come into contact with for creative collaborations or support in healing. (This one may obviously have been one of my challenges: as a psychosoul therapist and healer, I can be attracted to the wounded people). Sometimes it’s because there is some type of soul contract we have with a person in this lifetime. (Ooops. I’ve often gotten stuck here too. I have often overextended the timeline on those energy attractions.). Most forms of attraction do not mean that you’ve met someone you should have sex with or would even want to build a relationship with. In short, when you feel attraction towards someone, it is worth exploring what that attraction means. If there is potential for a relationship, it is then worth exploring shared values and dreams in life.
Half the time it was unconscious of what I was attracting, I swear. There was little to no separation between ME and the voices of the protector parts* in my head. Hence why I dated not an overt narcissist, but a covert narcissist. He didn’t treat me well, but he showed me myself. Or rather, my ego self, my fear-based sense of worth. He showed me how easily I could settle for less than what I deserved because this is what I believed that I deserved. “This part of my life is good, so I can take this part not being good.” My excuses were that I didn’t have anywhere else to go and because I really was “content enough.” It’s not that I ignored my inner world. This information just hadn’t been consciously available to me at the time. I needed life to show it to me, plus a few more years of deep underworld journeying and a complete unravelling of my ego-self to see it clearly.
*A reference to IFS therapy.
Perhaps the more challenging “situationship” for me was with the guy I really loved. Or, I thought I was in love with, but more likely was an “infatuation” to use Elizabeth Gilbert’s words in “Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage” ( a great resource for talking any young person out of marriage). To be honest, I had known much earlier that he was my “David”. I always knew he was emotionally, mentally, and physically unavailable. He showed this to me time and time again. But I wanted him to love me so I could feel like I was worth loving.
My attraction was actually desperation.
This allowed my mind to create quite a story in my head that would haunt me for months following.*
*See below for a podcast on how we create untrue stories in our head.
It really wasn’t until a few months ago, until the end of the December’s Mercury Retrograde that beautifully closed out the year and the end of an era, that I could see how poorly he treated me. But again, it hadn’t been clear to me early on. I honestly don’t think he saw it (he was both good of heart and completely aloof). More honestly, I talked myself out of seeing it over and over and over. Because I didn’t love or trust myself enough to walk fully away and close the door.
So when he messaged, in the early hours of the new year “I’m glad I could be a beacon.”, I didn’t even bother to reply and correct him that he was mistaken, that the role he had actually played was that of the angel of death.
Perhaps they are the same, anyway.
In those final conversations, I was able to stay aware of my anxious reactions, even though I was still very much in the emotion.
I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to stay in that energy field anymore. So I quit it. I finally disliked my behavior so much, I quit, just like most quitting happens. Still, quitting is so, so hard for me. It feels like failure. No one told me it would also be freeing. Free to move out of a cycle and accept, at least the possibility, that I was worth more. Freeing to admit that, no, I don’t think it’s okay to openly flirt with someone and then not pursue further contact with them. Freeing to agree with myself that it’s okay to ask for my personal love languages to be given once in a while and not just accept how another person wants to show me theirs. (thank you, Queer Eye, Season 8, episode 1, for highlighting this). Ah, and there it is…
It’s okay for me to have wants.
It’s okay for me to want clear and loving communication. It’s okay for me to respectfully communicate my emotions without the fear of triggering another person and then needing to care for them. It’s okay that sometimes, when I’m hurting, I want to be held. It’s okay for me to want to spend time with someone, to have some safety in plans. It’s okay for me to want someone to want to adventure with me. It’s okay for me to ask to be seen. It’s okay to want a definitive relationship status, not for control, but for a comfortable container of expression. It’s okay, as my sister told me years ago, to want someone who chooses me, too.
For some of you, this might seem simple. For others, you’re probably with me, horrified at the thought of asking anything of anyone. All of these things, growing up, just weren’t okay. I would either be burdening someone with my emotions if I dared share them, told to toughen up, and was given countless examples on how to suppress feelings. It’s also not very Catholic to ask for more.
To be thought of as needy by anyone, would mean I was too much, the paradoxical partner of not enough, yet equally as fearsome. It’s a thin tight rope to walk.* I was bound to fall off. And thank goodness I did.
*This theme was perhaps best represented in The Barbie Movie.
When you’re alone in the dark, the only option is to choose yourself. To take your own hand and say “I love you.” You deserve to have your needs and wants met. And because I’ve always got you, we have the freedom to walk away from anyone and anything that is less than what we deserve.”
This is what heals the abandonment wound. You, Higher Self, showing up for your Inner Child the way your caregivers just couldn’t. This is the safety that confounded me for so long in my continuing education as a therapist. It’s not the promise that life will be smooth and we will never get hurt. It’s that we can always feel free to be our true, authentic selves and even if others don’t like us for it, we’ll always have our own back.
It is in healing this wound that moves empaths out of the shadows and into the light. Instead of getting stuck in seeing others’ potential and staying with them until they get there (which may never happen), we let go trying to change what is and simply step into our own potential. We walk in the energy and love we believe in.
Choosing oneself, myself, means knowing that while I need to validate and accept myself first and foremost, I can, at the same time absolutely know I deserve to be treated well. Confidence, then, is being able to walk away from things and people who devalue my worth and move toward the love attracted by self-love.
The more we love ourselves, the more room we have to love another, and the more we can allow love in. Love attracts love, yet when you are in love yourself, the less you need love from the outside. Which is why true partnership becomes a co-creative act of higher expression.
*****
Other notes and helpful resources:
-In 2023, while I was not given a committed relationship (for good reason, I was gifted with another reflection), I was blessed with “3 wise men ”, all married, all a little bit older and wiser than me. While only my interactions with Obi-Wan were frequent, all of them accepted me freely not for who I appeared to be but who I was. They presented me with the gold, frankincense, and myrrh* of time, curiosity, and positive-regard, the gifts of healing.
-Being a therapist has actually shown me how expansive love is. I truly love all of my clients. They are all special to me and hold space in my heart. There is never less room for a new client. My heart just seems to grow with each new person.
*No, I am not comparing myself to Jesus. I am, however, relating us all to Light and the gifts we all deserve that can help us return back home to it.
-Highly Recommended Book: Calling in “The One”, by Katherine Woodward Thomas. (This book contains one of the most in-depth personal workbooks that I’ve found whether you want a partner or simply want to heal your old wounds.)
Does anyone else get confused when someone asks, “How do you do?”, or “How are you?”, “How was your day?”
To an on looker, it would appear that I freeze for a moment, a moment too long. It’s why most would say I’m quiet, while I pause, debating if I should say what’s on my mind or how I’ve been trained to respond, with an “I’m good” or “fine.”
What I really want to say…
No, maybe it’s too much…
But maybe not…
In my head I’m wondering…
Do I tell them about all the ideas running through my mind and about all the stories I want to write? Or maybe I should tell them about the white horse I watched running through the field from my window. And the cat! Oh, how I laughed, because it was not our field cat that I saw sneak out of the shed, not the one who’s food was inside. Maybe I say that? Or what about all the things I felt? The deep love I felt while watching Pacer nap. My delight in once again ending up at Brenda’s register at Natural Grocers and how, even though she can have a tough exterior, that I find so much joy in giving her the space to smile. Maybe how I felt it in my body when the sun moved behind the clouds? Or do I reveal the tears I cried watching Good Grief? …WhichI mainly viewed because I like Daniel Levy, and thinking that maybe because I knew the plot from the preview, I wouldn’t cry. Do I say how I teared up watching Alice in Wonderland too, because it made me understand myself and my purpose a little more? And the cows! How, as I rode my bike past, I wished my soulful friends a good day, pedaling away before they could sense the fear and sadness I felt about their futures. Is that too much? Ah! Maybe I talk about the snowflakes. How, in the reflection of the morning sun, I became mesmerized as I traversed up slopes of sparkles that took me Somewhere Else. Or the love… the love I felt, the love I released, and maybe the love I found. That reminds me of…can I say it? The guy I once dated, just a few precious times but felt our energies intertwine. How he told me I spoke too elusively, like I was keeping a secret, not understanding that ethereal is my native tongue? And maybe if he tried to, we wouldn’t have grown so far apart?
Or, maybe I talk about the fear I felt before I could catch the thought that caused it. Then I can describe, to help shift their energy as well as mine, how all my fears became forgotten, how they just melted away, like Frosty on a sunny day returning Home, while watching another sunset. How I once again got lost in the beauty of it all, and in the lostness was my expanse. Or do I talk about the deer, who greeted me and Pacer soon after the sun said goodnight? How I know they are my spirit animals, always protecting me and turning me towards my own spiritual self. Maybe, maybe, I just say “It was a magical day.”
But by then, just a few seconds after processing this all, all I see is a shoulder and the back of head. My time has passed. The stranger is still a stranger. I say a quick “I’m good”, as we both continue down our different paths.
Yet now, now at 35 and years of inner work, I still feel okay rather than overlooked. I’m grateful for my courage to diverge from the normal way. I know there are others like me, who crave depth and run from superficiality. At heart, I actually think that’s what we all want, the neurodivergent and those who are not. We aren’t meant to all be strangers. We are meant to connect. To see ourselves in one another, a soul behind a face. And no, it doesn’t mean I have to leave my solo nature and animal time behind. I can still be an introvert and wish for depth that can be shared, harmonizing the two.
I’m still a little awkward at it, being me. But I am freer than I ever was.
The hardest truth I have come to terms with in relationships is that all the problems I experience in relationships were and are created by me. Period. Hi, Me.
My ego HATES this truth.
Honestly, if I let it, my ego would never, ever admit this. My ego would have me continue on as normal, always pushing love away.
While this can be true in many of my relationships, be it friendship or family, this is especially true in romantic relationships.
My ego loves to hold moral superiority. Like really, really loves it. It feeds off of it. My ego wants to be right and wants to blame. My ego loves to tell partners that they need to be stronger in their masculine energies (think steady and stable) so that they can create a safe space for me when I’m feeling hurt and emotional. *I’m sure you can imagine how it goes when I tell a man that they have wounded/disempowered masculine energy. And, even if I’m right, what really needs to be looked at is how my own masculine energy has either been toxic/controlling or disempowered, meaning I went from controlling my emotions to not being able to hold my emotions in a safe container for myself when feeling big emotions. **I should clarify that we all have masculine and feminine energies, which I won’t go into detail about here, but they go much further beyond what we associate with male and female.
When the guy I’m crushing on all of a sudden heads to another country or into the mountains and out of cell service for three days without telling me (his last message, a question), I want to be mad. My ego tells me that he is rude and disrespectful…that he doesn’t actually care about me. That I should protect myself from him. (The thought of other women agreeing with me here makes my ego happy, too.)
When my next partner texts me “live and let live” after I provide what I think is valuable information, my ego tells me that he would have taken the information seriously if it came from a man. My feminine wound of not being taken seriously is triggered. I shut down, thinking that he should be the one to reach out, hold space, and try to understand ME.
I deny myself the connection that I really want.
The truth is, I made these situations about me. And I pushed love* away. *Whenever I say “love”, I’m usually referring to unconditional love rather than our normal, conditional and fear-based love.
If I felt secure in myself, these wouldn’t have been problems. Problems that I made into bigger problems by reacting rather than responding from a calm, centered place. If I felt secure in myself, I would have led with love rather than fear.
Because honestly… I knew that in the first example, he was innocent. While my ego likes to believe most people in conversation would let the other person know that they’re about to leave the land of technology, I knew the guy had acted from a place of child-like innocence. In fact, one of the qualities I found endearing about him was his periodic aloofness. Yet the emotional pain of separation triggered* old stories in my mind: 1) that I wasn’t cared about and 2) as a strong, independent women, it shouldn’t bother me (I think this guy mentioned that his previous partner didn’t care- again, he said this innocently-which sent me into more self-judgment). This caused my protection mechanisms** to go up: a little bit of fight before freeze. *The difference between a trigger and an appropriate emotional response is that a trigger elicits an emotion that is out of proportion to the situation. **If you’re tracking for your own healing journey: emotions, thoughts (story we tell ourselves about the emotion), and protection/defense mechanism
My ego loves to protect me against love, because it fears it.
This is because the (unhealthy) ego was created by fear. Fear is love’s opposite. Love is the only thing that can make fear disappear. We believe that we need fear to survive. This is why we- consciously or unconsciously- fear love.
For me, this fear started early on in life. Part of it was the whole weird Catholic thing on fearing God (literally, fearing Love), but a large imprint was left on me in my parents divorce. I’ve written about this before, but anyone who knows my parents knows that they are not a match and simply a product of getting married too soon because of societal and religious conditioning (and thankfully, because I am here). The problem wasn’t the divorce, the problem was that no one helped me, a highly sensitive kid, understand what was happening. No one helped me process my emotions (which is why I got really good at numbing through food, exercise, and starvation in adolescence). When my dad told me he and my mom were getting a divorce, I literally remember imagining me and my sisters floating away in boxes in the ocean, without land in sight (I was 7 or 8, to be clear). Later, still playing barbies (before denouncing anything girly or “soft” because it wasn’t useful or respected where I grew up), I remember thinking “Love isn’t real. If it was, how could it just go away?” My dad nearly died of a broken heart (heart attack) shortly after the news of the divorce. (How I took on his heart break is a story for another day.) It wasn’t until my older sister’s funeral, when my mom turned to my dad and said “Oh Bob, I didn’t think it would ever come this” that I realized how much love was still between them.
Mostly unconsciously, I warded it off like we warded off and protected ourselves from Covid in the spring of 2020, wearing a hazmat suit against connection.
This all made it easy for me to confuse fear for love.
A great question you (the reader) might have for me is, “What about the abusers, the narcissists, the immature jerks? Aren’t they the problem?” I’ve been in one of those relationships. I’ve been with the narcissist that came home drunk and used my emotions against me (he would have never have touched me- that would have ruined his game).
And here’s another hard truth… if I loved myself, I wouldn’t have ignored the red flags. I would have had the confidence to leave. Actually, I would have taken the opportunity to leave in the first year, rather than allowing the relationship to carry on for another 2 and half. I would have told my new landlords that I changed my mind… I had been scared when we signed the lease to the apartment in Estes Park and didn’t want to say anything (he had yelled at me the day before and I had spent the first half of the night driving up the canyon with Pacer, searching for shooting stars), but I didn’t want him moving in with me. I wouldn’t have rationalized reasons to stay…that even though I didn’t want to be in the relationship, the rest of my life was good, so it was okay. Who needed romance anyway? Even though we had nowhere to go, I would have left…trusting the universe and loved ones would provide me with everything I needed. Yet I kept my emotions secret. I stayed.
And that was my choice*, unconscious as it may have been, like an addict choosing to have another drink, not being able to see that there is another way. *When we identify with our thoughts and pain, we actually lack the true ability to choose between our minds and our hearts.
Here, I think it is important to clarify… the problem isn’t Us. It wasn’t Me. It was mE. The problem was my lower self, my ego*, the part of me that runs off of fear and fear-based identities. Yet I didn’t know any of this until I admitted that I wasn’t happy and could see, at least a tiny bit, that I kept creating out of fear rather than love. All three of the aforementioned guys were my mirrors, helping me see clearly. They led me to choosing the extremely uncomfortable experience and painful process of healing. *While I won’t go as far as to say “ego is the enemy” as Ryan Holiday does (and titled one of his books), I will say the ego is to be learned from, not to live from.
More truths:
–I cannot unconditionally love a partner if I am expecting him to meet a need for me. I can ask him for help, but ultimately, I need to be the parent to my inner child, my higher self to my human self.
–When I withhold love from someone else, I am withholding love for myself. Literally, I am stopping the natural flow of love.
In my last relationship, I finally chose to listen to what my boyfriend was telling me and look within… to admit to myself that my mind was causing the problem. (It was helpful that he had read “The Power of Now” and directly told me “Your thoughts are sabotaging you.”) When he told me, as I had heard from both Obi-wan and the previous guy, “it always feels like you’re half in, half out”, I listened… after using all of my conscious power not to shout “that’s not true!”. I finally looked at the reflection he was offering me: I often protected myself by threatening the relationship, saying things like “maybe this just isn’t going to work”, “I don’t fit in with your friends”, and “I’m just going through too much right now.” He was right. (I can still feel my ego protesting against this fact, yet I’ve at least managed to take the microphone away…and it’s control). The funny thing is, that when I said those things, I was really hoping for my partners to tell me that I was wrong and offer reassurance. I was pushing them away and yet still expecting them to fight.
In the end, in the unconsciousness of my words and actions, I was proving my ego right… no one really loved me. Love doesn’t exist. I’m not enough.
You may have caught it.
Yes, I did write “in my last relationship”.
Because that one ended. (I actually wrote the first half of this blog weeks ago and then couldn’t finish it…which, I now realize, happens every time the story or my lesson is not finished.)
And, after a few more nights of panic attacks after the initial hurt of the situation that had occurred, it was the most peaceful and calm I have felt after any break-up. I’m of course still a little sad, because this guy was sweet and had a big heart, plus, was looking forward to a few cycling adventures we had talked about. But I wasn’t in pain.
What I realized after this experience is that while it is ultimately up to me to identify the trigger, comfort myself in the pain, and heal the wound (this can be done in a conscious partnership too), I still get to speak my needs and feelings. I still get to let the other person know when I am hurt, what my boundaries are, and expect a safe place to share my emotions. An un-triggered but honest sentence might look like: “I know you care about me and I know you weren’t purposely trying to hurt me, but this situation/or action did make me feel sad. I’m wondering if we can talk about it?” And, if a partner can’t provide a safe place for me to share my feelings, I’m not going to blame them. My best friend and sister both allowed me to be on the other end of this in recent months. It’s not easy (extremely uncomfortable) to acknowledge when we have caused another pain, because most of us will fall back on our own “not good enough” wounding, another lie. We really are all just doing our best.
Holding all of that knowledge: that we are primarily responsible for healing our own wounds, that we get to speak our truth, and that everyone is doing their best, which may or may not mean change… then we can make a choice on if we want to continue the relationship or not. Or…
We can wait and see. Because my last partner was not abusive or even mean in any way, I was taking some advice from a spiritual teacher I admired (I don’t always recommend this) to “allow it to be choiceless”, rather than make a decision I wasn’t sure about. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t reacting from my own wounding and I had learned all that this partner was meant to teach (his last name is pronounced “Kenobe”*, yes, like in Star Wars…so he had to be a great teacher for me.) *Just to confuse you…Obi-wan and Kenobe are TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. Young Kenobe was my teacher in one way, wise Obi-wan is my energy and mind-control teacher. Which, if you think about it, is really a crazy synchronicity.
So I waited a few days before sending him a calm and kind text message, wanting to connect. He replied honestly, “I’m burnt out from hurting you.” It was fair.
I knew he was, in part, clinging on to my past behaviors rather than seeing the growth that I had made. Yet, as I’ve stated before, this is how we unconsciously protect ourselves. I get it. So, I chose not to fight or argue back, to “make him see clearly” that this wasn’t about him doing anything wrong, that I just wanted a chance to express myself and reconnect. Instead, I chose to let go. (Okay, okay…my ego did creep up a BIT here and I decided “I can’t let him break up with ME”…so I may have said something like “I see where this is going. I’m okay with being friends.”) I also finally felt that I was ready (rather than just want) to be with someone willing to grow and lean in with me.
This too, letting go, was huge for me. I didn’t shame myself for doing anything wrong. I forgave myself.
With the previous guy, I had anxiously attacked myself in the belief that it was “my fault” for things not working out, that, after wanting to blame him, it was ultimately because I was either not enough or too much that things didn’t work out with this amazing man.
Several truths exist here: He was/is amazing. I was doing the best I could (as was he). I could forgive myself for unconsciously working off of old wounds…and really, there was nothing to forgive: I was a hurt child and, ultimately, the “crack” he made to my shell led to my healing. And finally, I truly believe that anything, or anyone, meant for me will come to me at the right time, especially when I am patient and open to it. (Patience is the ultimate form of trust.)
Until then, I get to continue working on an even deeper and loving connection with myself…and enjoy all the snuggle time with Pacer.
(If you’re wanting to heal your relationship patterns too, hopefully I offered a little bit of a guide. It’s also extremely helpful to be working with a therapist, or at least talk to an honest friend. On at least two occasions, I walked into Obi-wan’s office and said “Tell me what I’m not seeing.” Between having worked through a disempowered masculine wound himself (a common thread here being he and some of my previous partners had authoritative moms) and being able to track my energy and emotions, he could help me see my situation clearly from a bird’s eye perspective in a way that was loving and kind, yet still allowing me to see my role in the situation.)
A Dog and Her Girl 