"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ." – The Little Prince
Why do we work so hard to resist who we really are? Why do we hide the gifts that come naturally to us?* Or rather, from the gifts that come from our spirits.
Blatantly put, I am a cancer** sign made of light. My purpose is to bring people back Home to themselves.
The manifestation of this comes easy to me as a therapist and writer. It just kind of flows. To those who know me, they may have unapologetically (okay, maybe a little…I’m still working on coming Home to myself) heard me say “I’m really good at my job”, which is something I rarely to never say.
Of course, I’m also very true to myself as a therapist, writer, and coach. Unique is a very accurate word…unique and a little eccentric, which is why I think my clients like me. Me being weird allows them to be themselves. While I’ve read almost every therapy and spirituality book I have time for, I tend to just blend it all together with a touch of intuition. Actually, I’ve really just re-defined my job as mental health therapist and switched to using “psycho-soul therapist” instead.
Yet I tried, at least for an extended break, to walk away from these “jobs”, or callings. I thought other professions were better and more exciting (ie. more travel, more free time- but free time isn’t the same thing as freedom). Or, at least, they get more validation from parents, extended family, and Instagram followers. My mind believed all of this, even as the rebel in me rejected the office job, nice house, marriage and kids ideals. Really, I simply just trapped myself in another world from the ideals of other rebels and adventurous types, rather than just listening to my heart and creating something new altogether (or, even if it was “old”, staying true to me).
This is what wanderlust is all about…not traveling, not going adventures, not exploring new places. It’s about walking the path that is unique to you and yours alone. It’s unknown, and that is the wilderness.
*Okay, okay. Of course I know the answer, at least partially, to this question. The mind takes over when the heart has been invalidated. Anytime a child has their emotions ignored, goes unseen, is told how they feel or should act, a child’s flame is being dimmed. This goes much deeper than someone telling a kid that their dreams are unobtainable, although that can certainly play a role. We can read all the parenting, teaching, therapist/coaching books we want, but our only job as adults who have kids in our lives is to keep their inner flame burning bright. It’s just really hard to do when our own lights have been dimmed. So we all must ask ourselves the questions “Who am I?” “What are my divine gifts?”, and do the work to get back Home to ourselves.
**Cancer zodiacs are water signs and some astrologists relate cancers to preferring being at or around their physical homes. My belief is that may or may not be true and that cancers are more accurately about connecting their inner and higher selves, which also connects them back to Spirit.
The heart and body are in direct communication with each other. The heart is the voice of the soul. If you are not living in alignment with your soul, your body will let you know.
[In reflection of my own journey and others who share a birthday close to mine, my theory is that anyone who is a Cancer zodiac sign (especially for females), a natural born empath and sensitive (attuned to energy) soul, has in some way been directed towards this message this year, perhaps through an injury or illness, if she is not already living 100% heart centered. (I would love to know if this is true for you if your a Cancer sign!)]
The message the body is revealing may be slightly different for everyone. A good starting point is checking out Heal Your Body by Louise Hay, where she listed out the spiritual message of various injuries and illnesses based on body parts. Then, if you have an injury, you can further explore the message based on what side of your body is injured. The right right side gives voice to the ego (or masculine), while the left side speaks for the spirit (or female).
For some people, the most uncomfortable part will not be the pain of the injury or illness. It will be in the deconstruction phase of the ego as it is the ego-who we believe we are- that block us from listening to our heart. Many of us “think” we know what we want but the heart does not speak through thoughts. The heart speaks through feelings, emotions, and the body, especially when the soul is really trying to get our attention.
The deconstruction phase asks us: Are you willing to let go of all that you think you are?This may be attachments to past memories or labels that we or others have given to us, such as athlete, cashier, hard worker, or even “Type A” person.
The deconstruction phase may represent the “chrysalis phase” of the transformation process (where our insides turn to mush) or it may represent the “coming out of the cocoon phase”, as the ego represents the outer shell.
There is both a letting go and a fight. A surrendering of who we think we are, while also fighting not with but through the ego so as not to turn back, to return to the old version of ourselves that lives from the mind and not the heart.
How do we trust our hearts when most of us have been give the message we must fear love and trust a voice outside of ourselves to gain “salvation”? Yet trust is the essential piece. Every time doubt comes in, we must fight to come back home to ourselves, to trust, to allow the light to shine through. (We don’t fight the darkness, we fight for the light).
When we go through the deconstruction phase, you may literally feel like you want to crawl out of your skin. As others have reminded me, I will remind everyone here: this is a sign that you are on the right path. Growth is uncomfortable. Yet it is in breaking through her shell that the butterfly gains the strength to fly. It is in pushing through harsh conditions and rocky soil that wildflowers gain their vibrancy. This is the message that life gives us, the signs from the Universe that we are on the right path (sometimes the Universe puts up with me when I ask for a “signier sign”).
We must trust the signs, trust ourselves and step into the flow of life. Once we break through the ego, peace and ease will follow. Yet we have to push through the discomfort to allow the joy to come through. If you take my hand, we can make the leap of faith together…
Normally I hate a candid photo, but this ended up being a very authentic photo of me in my deconstruction phase.
People don’t actually kill themselves. Nor do they kill other people. Thoughts kill people.
Now that I’ve got your attention, let me explain.
For many people, there is no separation between their thoughts and themselves. In fact, many people still believe the Rene Descartes quote “I think, therefore I am.” Just because something sounds good, doesn’t mean we should listen… (Descartes has a few other bad theories, such as “The Great Chain of Being.”)
We are not our thoughts. If we were our thoughts, we wouldn’t realize we were having them*. Many of our thoughts, mostly automatic, come from the ego (fear-based) mind. The ego mind was created in infancy and further developed in childhood, born out misattuned love: trauma, the times caregivers ignored our needs, abuse, and systems that measure success by achievement, etc. Because our caregivers couldn’t always protect us or be there to help us feel and soothe the emotions in our bodies, our minds kicked in. Our minds developed equations like: “If I do xyz, then dad will be proud of me.” If I never do that, then mom won’t yell at me.” “If things always go this way, nothing bad will ever happen.” “If I achieve this, then I’ll be enough.” These types of equations are bound to fail.
*Michael A. Singer writes in depth on this topic.
Yet without the separation between Self and thought, our ego-minds (and remember, the thoughts from our ego mind developed when we were kids) run the show, oftentimes getting stronger and stronger year after year. This is the same as saying that fear (of not being enough, being abandoned, or not feeling lovable) and negative thought cycles take the lead. With negative thoughts comes uncomfortable emotions, such as more fear, sadness, and anger. Again, because no one taught us how to feel our emotions, we suppress them…until we can’t anymore. Some people will internalize these emotions (at this point, we can really use the word “shame”), and some will externalize*. This is the difference between suicide and murder.
*Thank you to my Naropa professor Max Woodfin who first explained this occurrence to me, which allowed me to further extrapolate.
Let’s back up for a moment and take things back to childhood.
I know I gave a pretty brief explanation (but hopefully simple enough that its understandable) of how thoughts come into formation, yet I hope its obvious on why it should be of upmost importance that mindfulness and mental health is taught in schools. If we can teach kids that during hard times, when their thoughts start spiraling in negative circles and they’re beating themselves up about not being good enough, that they are not their thoughts, we could save hundreds of lives each year. All it takes is a few simple mental-emotional tools to let the thoughts and big emotions pass, especially because it is the urgency and intensity of negative thoughts and big emotions that lead to self-harm and suicide. Any type of delay that allows the energy to pass will help, be it a tool like meditation or a suicide prevention hotline. (Teenagers are especially susceptible because of brain development during this time period. Watch the teenage brain episode of the Netflix documentary: The Mind, Explained for more information.)
This is why willpower has nothing to do with suicide or addiction. When our minds are in control, we don’t realize that there is another option, another choice. Our internal vision is literally obscured by thoughts and the intensity of emotions they produce.
During one of my own anxious-depressive spirals, in the midst of all my chaotic thoughts, my training allowed for a new thought to come in,”My thoughts are going to kill me.” This awareness snapped me out of it. I realized then that this was how we lost Robin William, Anthony Bourdain, and a loved-by-all college professor at Naropa (my graduate school). Their minds took over, and the fight got too exhausting to continue. But its not a fight when we realize the voices in our minds are not us, just shadows that can be dissolved in the light of truth.
And here’s the tougher part for me to talk about (only because we’ve created so much division among ourselves on the topic)…
This is where I believe some type of middle ground can be found between the seemingly opposing parties on the gun control debate (although all everyone really wants is safety, especially for our kids). The truth is, people don’t kill people. And as much as the part of me that identifies as liberal doesn’t want to say this, guns don’t kill people either. Thoughts kill people. Or, more specifically, unconscious, fear (and shame) – based thoughts of the ego mind, which, for the added reminder, is working off a toddler’s “logical” intelligence.
The reason gun control laws should be in place that require the buyer/owner of a certain age and for there to be a time period between the buying and acquiring of the gun is because of the intensity and immediacy of suicidal and murderous thoughts. While of course there are exceptions to this (I highly dislike outlier debates), the time period between thought and action gives space for the energy to pass and new thoughts to form. Pause and intervention can save lives. (Automatic/unconcious thoughts and automatic weapons are an obvious lethal combination that I won’t dive into full detail on here.)
The other piece I want to humanize is that those humans who own guns for safety purposes…which other humans who label* themselves as “liberal” also want to villainize… experience the pain of being human too. Many who also thought to use the weapon they own for their own demise. While maybe this accentuates the lethality of guns, I say this to actually highlight our shared connection. We are all human. And to be human is to experience suffering. The suffering only ends when we can transcend the differences that keep us separate (and birth fear/shame-based thoughts) and realize that we are all more alike than different.
To summarize: We are not are thoughts. We are all connected.
If there is ever a part of you that wants to die, please realize that it is just a part (refer to Internal Family Systems). Its a part formed by the ego-mind and created a false identity of you. What is most likely happening is that part is no longer serving you, and your Higher Self might be want to come back to the forefront. In short, what is happening is called a request for an “ego death”…it can be uncomfortable or outright painful. I highly, highly recommend working with some type of therapist at this point, and there are many books and podcasts that cover this topic as well. Remember that you are always, always loved.
First off, let me start out by saying that I love Susain Cain. I think she’s brilliant. When I read one of her books (Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking; Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole) I think “That’s me!”.
But… maybe bittersweet isn’t me. Maybe it’s just my state of mind, and my mind is more of my ego than of me. So why am I often full of melancholy after a holiday? Why do I look out at the mountains with a such a deep sense of longing?
As Cain states and I fully agree, feelings of sadness and melancholy can bring people together, to connect us, in a world where many of us feel separate. In fact, this is usually how I recognize people that are “like me”, the others who are highly attuned to pain and who don’t feel like they ever really fit in. Now I believe this is all an illusion.
The false belief is that we are separate. Not just from each other, but even more so, from ourselves.
What I’m learning is that most of us are disconnected from our true selves. We don’t realize it because the split started within the first few years of life, when the world started to shape us rather than allow us to grow into our highest potential of being (not doing). In order to survive in a conditional world, we split from our true selves, from the joy, love, and light that create* our souls. Another way to say this is that our shadow selves block our light, and if we are disconnected from light (we could also say Source, Spirit, etc) we will always be filled with longing.
*Another popular argument that Cain makes (argument isn’t exactly the right word but the best I can come up with) is that those who experience depression or melancholy are often creatives, or artists. I actually think that we’ve only touched on the creativity possible because the emotions of disconnection block it.
My longing isn’t for the mountains. My longing is for me.
My longing is to return to the Home inside myself, where light, love, and peace reside. The mountains-the beauty they hold- simply bring about the feelings of freedom and joy within me, but in my natural state is just that. I’m just usually disconnected from my natural state because of the my shadows, constructs, and the ego voices that fill my mind.
(Again, this where I wholeheartedly agree with Cain that bittersweet emotions can lead to transcendence, as we learn to rise beyond the ego.)
Therefore, the quest in life isn’t to go in search of connection, creativity, or love, but to find it within oneself. To be able to look at oneself with a sense of awe and wonder for the magnificence within. Only then can life truly be an adventure, as we allow opportunities and experiences to come to us rather than force anything to happen.
It is in sitting still and listening to our hearts, while kindly asking our minds to quiet down, that we can begin to return back Home to Self.
**I totally may have gotten a few points wrong from “Bittersweet”. I read it at the end of last year, so I may-probably-have forgotten many of her insights. I also don’t think Cain could have written this chapter as the science of spirituality is relatively new and there isn’t a lot of a research on the topic. Regardless of any of this, Bittersweet is a wonderful book that I highly recommend.
In Star Wars, there was The Resistance, but the darkness (Dark Forces) could never truly disappear until a Rey (ray) of Light came in. This is because the darkness can never survive the light. The darkness, at its core, is simply the unknown, and once the darkness is known (light), it can never be unknown.
The funny thing is that Rey also bought into the idea that the darkness was something to be scared of and to fight, which led to a lot of internal struggles and external battles. All she really had to do was be herself, which encompasses her union with “The Force” (energy, Source, etc.).
Actually, this is what all the movies on dark and light forces get wrong, be it Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or any Marvel movie. All these movies/books play off the story that the darkness is something to be fought, that there has to be a battle between good and evil, but we’ve literally created (manifested) each villain through our own ego-based fears. The villains or enemies might be tangible, but no more so than a building that was created from someone’s imagination. The building can pretty quickly be deconstructed and re-built into something new, better, if allowed. More simply put, once we cease to create darkness, the darkness will cease to exist.
Again, the darkness is simply the unknown. What blocks it from being known, from the illumination of the light, is fear. Fear is what causes separation and creates evil, what most of us refer to as darkness. When I’m talking about fear, I’m not talking about primal, instinctual fear (and honestly, I’m not sure how much fear is actually present when reacting to a danger in the present moment) but the fear created from the ego-mind. The ego-mind is fragile and full of insecurities, so each moment can feel like a threat and the ego will protect, defend, and fight for its survival. We are not the ego-mind, we are not darkness…we ALL are light. Our ego-minds create (fear) darkness. When we realize that, that all fear is an illusion, and nothing created by an illusion can be permanent, we can start to break down the barriers to allowing light in. This is why the more we are all our true selves, all Reys or Rays of Light, we can put an end to the darkness without ever having to fight.
(I think more men have bought into the illusion of separation and fear because of the dominant male energy they were brought up with based on their gender identity. While the feminist part of me still wants to call out gender discrimination in the military, I still think this is why more men are drawn to being a soldier. Where I think most of us have “the fight” wrong is that we pick one person “ruler” to demonize and associate everyone under their leadership as evil. Yet the opportunity to change is not in the leader, but with the people on the ground, where shared humanity is easy to recognize without the false identity given by a uniform. And no “ruler” can lead without people giving him power. –I know there’s some cool programs going on with veterans who are healing by becoming “warriors of love”.)
Around this time a year ago, the droplets being released from my eyes were so big that I nearly blended into the low clouds and rainy afternoons of monsoon season in the San Juan mountains. I was both dying and being broken open. The ego facing the beginning of its loss of power, my spirit just beginning to see the sliver of light called freedom. The first divine words that came to me, “My Love, I will not abandon you.”
*Ego death is a bit of a misnomer. What we want is to rise above is the conditioned fear created around the ego. Once that is overcome, our ego is simply the realization we are human. It keeps us safe in our human bodies. Think of the kid who jumps off her garage thinking she can fly…while this kid is still beautifully connected to the spirit world, she actually needs a little more grounding energy (without over-protection) to help connect with and respect her human body.
I’ve always had a soul that demanded to be free. Yet underneath my shadows, constructs, and conditions to be lovable that I put on myself, my soul remained trapped.
This was, is, the year.
If I didn’t win this battle, if my mind stayed in control over my heart, I’m almost certain my soul would have chosen to depart.
For those unfamiliar with exit points, this is a point in one’s life where a soul may choose to leave the body and return Home (this is different from suicide). The soul may do this when it feels like it has accomplished its mission for this lifetime, or, if it feels like it can’t complete its task, maybe because the trauma experienced was too much to overcome, the soul may choose to go back Home and “regroup” before the next round. (This is not a choice made by the human self. If you are here on this earth today, you are here for a reason, a reason you may not know yet. This life is magical and we have no idea of the intricacies taking place, including how we affect the lives of others now or in the future.) Or, as I believe in the case of my older sister, some souls leave at a time that is best- could lead to the most growth- for their family and friends. As may be obvious to anyone who has read any post of mine, my own evolution toward my Higher Self has increased dramatically over the past few years after my sister’s passing.
And honestly, I’m not sure how, if, I could have made it without the loving guidance of my (spirit-angel) older sister, my (human-angel) twin sister, or my (spirit-guide in blue fur) dog. Then of course there is my dear friend Tara, who, once I got over my initial ego jealousy of her, I instantly recognized as a true soul sister that held all the wisdom and compassion of Green Goddess Tara. While she and I talk only a few times a year now, there’s an instant recognition of connection that in words comes out as “she actually gets me.” These sisters have been my rocks and rivers of hope, offering steady reassurance that everything actually is and will be okay even during the windiest of small mountain town days.
Now, a year later, I finally feel like my heart is winning. That it is going to rise above the fears of my egoic mind that has been keeping me more trapped than safe. The divine message I received has slightly shifted to “My Love, I chose you.” I have one wing tip grazing on the side of freedom, my soul eagerly but patiently waiting for the rest of my body to get there.
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From what I’ve witnessed, there are a lot of people going through a transformative phase right now. (This makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint, but I won’t dive into that right now.) It can be a really hard, messy process. And you don’t have to do it alone. I spent a lot of nights on my knees praying for help, and for me what I mostly received was clarity on the guidance already around me (with a few new people popping into my life). The ego will trick you into thinking you are always alone, but that is literally never true. We all, always, have spirit guides around us. There are always people willing and wanting to help. (Look for your human-angels.) There are therapists (you don’t have to have a specific reason or mental health condition) or support groups out there. Keep fighting for your heart, your light.
When I came to realize strength, or maybe toughness is the better word (it’s all semantics really), was not an external characteristic but an internal one, I spent a lot of time contemplating what the word actually meant. While this post explores a few topics, such as hustle culture, survival energy, and fertility, much of it is a contemplation on what true strength really is…following my heart in world that is often led by the mind.
Strong isn’t about surviving.
Fertility isn’t about being a mom (although it can certainly encompass motherhood).
Strength and fertility, I am certain, go hand in had. But not in the way most of us think they do…
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I was a tough kid with an empath’s heart.
Scrappy. Always hustling. Not afraid (or maybe more accurate, not caring) of flinging my body across the basketball court or acquiring the next bruise.
“Only the strong survive” read my well-worn armband, a quote from my favorite NBA player Allen Iverson (pre-domestic abuse allegations).
This was my rough exterior. Like a soldier going into battle, only with life being the enemy, I armored my heart and prepared for a life a struggle and having to fight my way to…the top? Happiness? Something better? I didn’t have a whole lot of examples of anything else to look up to, I just knew I wanted something different.
Of course, all my friends saw through my baggy basketball shorts and cut-off t-shirts, sometimes earning the nickname “mom” from some of my male friends. I hated it, but I really couldn’t help myself as I reminded them to study…I just wanted the best for them. As much as I tried to hide it, I could never bury this loving, nurturing part of me.
But with this part came my emotions, and I knew- learned early on in life- that was unacceptable.
My equation? Physical pain= good. Internal pain= bad.
Back to the grind.
Working hard to earn my worth. Slaying my way through another report card of straight As, berating myself for anything less. Hours exhausting myself first spent in the gym, then running outside as I got older. Never really stopping for. a. chance. to. take. a. breath.
To listen to my heart.
Figure myself out.
Even in my 20s as I rebelled and rejected America’s 8-5 (or longer) culture, the hustler in me couldn’t really let go. Dropping the habit was one thing, dropping the mindset was another.
The armor, although softened slightly, remained a vigilant guard around my heart.
Honestly, I didn’t even know it was there, I was so used to it. Or rather, I only became conscious of the protective shield in my early 30s. I didn’t realize there was another way of living.
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I’m not sure what made me decide that the intention for my rights of passage during my second year of grad school would be to embody my Divine Feminine. I don’t think I even really understood the feminine and masculine energies back then. And still, even when I received signs of fertility, abundance, healing, and closeness with Mother Earth (namely snakes and wild turkeys), I wanted to reject them.
(In case you’re wondering, the masculine energy embodies the “doer”and gets things done. The feminine energy is the creative, life-force energy. These two energies work great together…but only if we lead with the feminine. …Did I just explain where America went wrong?)
Fertile? I had never once in my life wanted to have kids. I may have had a very short time period during childhood playing with barbie dolls, but the stories I told during play never involved families. I definitely wasn’t interested in baby dolls. Maybe I knew fertility had a bigger meaning than just having kids…but I’m not sure my mind ventured further than fertile vs. barren soil. And I figured that, at least, I honored and fulfilled my nurturing side at work. For a long, long time I left it at that.
My grad school “yearbook” picture. Looking back, I realize that my friends saw the real me before I even saw myself.
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It has really been only recently, as in two weeks ago, that I started to put two and two together. And really, it was only “kinda” me. Or maybe it was the actual me, the higher self me. Let me explain….
One of the things that has helped me the most in the past few months are my free writing sessions. I also call this channeling, but I don’t want to scare anyone away. Maybe I’ll write about that at another time. In short, the message I received from the quick writing of my left hand was that I didn’t have to fight to survive, that I just needed to allow the earth to provide while living in harmony with it. That this is my Divine Feminine. My only fight was to come back Home to myself.
I likened this to hunters and gatherers I learned about in school. Despite being vegan for a decade (again, habits can die while mentalities live on), I embodied a hunter, risking my life in the search for food. Yet I was always meant to be a gatherer, sometimes growing, but usually just picking, and harvesting the fruit, nuts, and vegetables that were already gifted to me.
In short, fertility is my inherent abundance, my power, and in that is my manifestation* abilities. The only thing I can do is block it. Which I’ve gotten really, really good at after 30 years of practice.
*I actually told my Reiki therapist the other day that I needed to drop the word “manifestation” for a bit and just “be and allow.“
My block? My hustle. Or rather, my hustle mentality. The voice that told me I had to do, do, do in order to be worthy anything good. The voice that said I could only have nice things if I worked hard for them. The voice that said I had to earn even my rest.
My Reiki therapist (his really name is Anthony, but maybe I should give him a name like “Ghandi” or maybe even “Obi-Wan Kenobi”, as Dan Millman nicknamed his teacher “Socrates” in The Way of the Peaceful Warrior) encouraged me to meditate and practice Being, to find the serenity within myself as I also fought to challenge my negative thoughts. Once in awhile, as much as I doubted it, the Universe showed me it working in my favor* , whether by circumstance or intuition.
*The obvious “duh” here is the free, almost daily sessions with Obi-Wan Kenobi and having a place to live (even if I always worry about being a burden) during this wanderlust period.
First, when I blew the tire on my sister’s mountain bike (downhill mood), and then after a laser therapy session (uphill mood), my intuition led me into a nearby bike shop. Still walking in the door, I almost instantly locked into the blue eyes of the bike mechanic behind the counter (I swear, if there was a high resolution camera put in slow motion, you’d see me taken aback and stutter for just a millimeter of a second as my soul registered his). And, whether it’s a summer fling or something more, somehow I found myself spending time with both a teacher in flow (being with movement) and someone that I simply like Being with…sometimes talking, often not, looking at the horizon for hours on end. Could I really not doing anything and still be liked? Or course my mind tried to abandon ship and self-sabotage within a week and a half. Why? Because my Ultimate Block, I realized as I was discussing accepting and allowing Love* in with Anthony/Obi-Wan Kenobi is that I don’t believe I deserve Love. So how could I possible allow Love and joy to flow through me, let alone accept a guy being nice to me? (Empaths and narcissist come from the same wound, even if they fall on opposite sides of the spectrum, which is a big part of the reason why an empath may find themself in a relationship with a narcissist.)
*Capital “L” Love = Unconditional Universal Love.
However, saying this untruth out loud (deep, deep, deep down I know it’s just a cognition I’ve been conditioned to believe) for the first time seemed to help loosen the lie’s death grip. Maybe I could fight this thought (while accepting my ego) and allow Love in.
Herein lies my strength…my choice to fight this internal battle of Love over fear, heart over head, intuition over ego. To stay true to my heart in a world ruled by a conditioned mind. I’ve wanted to give up more times during this run than I ever have during an ultra race. Yet with a soul that demands to be free, I know my life my life depends on me staying in it.
And this is where this story of quitting the hustle, strength, fertility, and following my heart becomes a story to be continued…
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”― Rumi
*Nuance: I use the word “fight” a lot as it’s the best word I have at my fingertips. I kind of mean it and I kind of don’t. In some sense, it absolutely does feel like I am fighting for the freedom of my heart and soul. I am constantly challenging my thoughts and the rule of my mind over my heart. Yet in this, I’m not labeling my mind or thoughts as “bad”. The goal is to be able to witness my thoughts without giving in to them, which allows more room for the heart to lead.
When I was a kid, I would use my imagination to escape the fear-based reality given to me by adults. The rules, the sins, the “eat your lima beans or you’re not leaving the table.” Of course, using one’s imagination was deemed inappropriate not long after age 6, reserved only for books* and movies, so I kept most of my day-dreaming to myself. The woods were full of fairies, magical creatures, and talking trees. I was happy to wander for there for hours.
*Perhaps why I have always found solace in books and was THAT kid in school who would be found reading while walking down the hallway.
My own fantasy land right in the middle of the grey skies and the unhappy adults of Ohio.
But now…
…I wonder if I’ve had it all a little backwards.
Maybe my fantasy world IS reality.
And what I thought was reality is all made up. Maybe it’s still in physical, tangible form, yes, but created from the perception of a fear of an unconscious mind.
Are you following? If not, take a moment to let your mind play and your perception shift. (No, you do not need to take drugs to do this. Really, this is what all the spiritual teachers talk about it, I’m just simplifying it a bit in my own way.)
I may not have yet met a fairy, but there are literally butterflies everywhere this summer. I’m also positive that I know several human angles in my life that are supporting me on my journey, allowing me to fall but never break. Obviously, I live with a magical creature (Pacer). And science proves that trees do talk! (Thank you Suzanne Simard and the many other wonderful scientists/researchers exploring the inner lives of plants.) I’ve also got something better than castles…really, why would I need 500 rooms? To hoard more stuff that will only ever keep me trapped? I’ve got mountains, open space, and stars that wink to me in reassurance. Places to run free.
Pacer, the magical Narwhal of the Sangre de Cristo Mountains.
Sure, there are some villains and demons out there. Most are in my head. Or created from someone else’s head.
In my college dorm room, I had a printed piece of paper hung on my wall that said “Life is what you make of it.” I think I’m starting to get it.
Reality is what you choose to believe in. It’s not ignoring the bad stuff…I’m still going feel my heart sink each time I hear about another school shooting. I’m still going to vote, donate to animal rescue organizations, recycle, and support women’s rights advocates. Yet I am going to choose to believe in love and joy over fear and hate.
Because when I can sit still long enough, let my thoughts settle, and calm my anxiety, I know at my core that love, joy, and light are the basis of reality.
A more accurate title might be “Ignorance is bliss…until it’s a constant discomfort that we try to alleviate with drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, exercises, and compulsive busyness” …but I thought that title was a little long. And so, I’ll define bliss here as not a pure state of joy, but an illusory state of happiness that masks internal pain and external reality.
Before I dive into that loaded statement, let me start out with some context.
My sister is one of the most compassionate, loving human beings you will ever meet. She cares deeply about other humans and ADORES animals. So much so that it literally breaks her heart every time she sees or thinks about animal cruelty. She can’t comprehend why anyone would ever harm an animal.
Similarly, I have a lot of friends who care deeply about Mother Earth and are strong advocates of climate change. They live off the land, use little electricity…and even build their own earthships.
At heart, these are my people.
Yet how do we make sense of cruelty and carelessness without becoming extremely judgmental of our fellow human beings? How can we honor our shared humanity instead of creating more separation?
Per usual, I find answers in going a level deeper and exploring inner worlds from a mental-emotional lens…
…because the truth is, people won’t care about the earth or animal welfare if they remain disconnected from themselves. It is our egos (voice of fear) that cover up our own internal pain and keep us from accessing our true selves. This blocks us from love.
Most people fear the pain, run from it, numb it. It feels too scary to feel, because most of us weren’t taught to honor and feel our emotions. I can’t blame them. Turning our gaze toward the truth…the wounds of our past and the cruelty of the outer world is opening the door to pain, and that pain requires immense bravery to face. I recommend keeping in mind that pain is really just a guide to joy.
This is highly reductionary, but on a mental health level we first have our protector parts (inner critic, over-thinker, etc) that keeps us from feeling the pain of unworthiness, not-enoughness, etc that we felt as children. A shorter way of saying this is that our ego separates us from our true selves. The healing begins when we can “re-parent” our inner child and learn to love ourselves unconditionally. The ego doesn’t necessarily disappear, but its death grip starts to loosen.
In a similar way, we block out the pain of the outer world because the pain feels too much to face. With real life critics and alarmists coming at us from all sides that resemble adults shaming us as kids, we further shut down and refuse to look at the reality we, fear, has created. The choice then is either to ignore animal cruelty, climate change, etc. or accept it. But to accept it is to acknowledge not only the pain we’ve caused others, but our own pain. And how the hell are we supposed to do that if we don’t know how to feel…if we don’t know that is OKAY to feel? So we split and separate ourselves from others (human and animals)… and from love.
The science on animal consciousness and global warming is irrefutable. People who deny these things are not stupid. They’re not necessarily ignoring the facts (no matter how hard they try to make an opposing case), they’re trying to suppress pain.
Compassion is really the only way forward. But god, that self-judgement is so hard to get rid of. This is where the fight is…not against each other, but to keep loving ourselves even when our minds get loud and our hearts want to break into a million pieces.
Once we touch on the pain, there’s a fine line between “fuck it” and keeping our gaze towards the sun in the midst of darkness.
I’ve been to that “fuck it” place too many times…considered if the physical pain of crashing my bike would feel better than the internal turmoil I was experiencing. “It might be nice to just give up”, chimes the pleading, desperate voice of my ego (for those familiar with IFS, this would be the last resort “firefighter”). I’ve had to fight for my Light, trusting that my heart and my joy would guide me back to my purpose and to Love.
I didn’t do this on my own. I prayed for help. My Reiki therapist witnessed my pain and cried with me. That may have been one of the most single healing acts a person has ever done for me. He then waited several days, until I was ready, to help me see how I gave my power (my internal joy) away to my ego, to my Achilles and to running, to the perception of how I feared others would see me, and to the darkness of the world.
If I give in to the cruelty I witness, if I decide to judge others for the harm they cause the earth or their chosen ignorance, I give my power away, too. I might say “fuck it” or I might stay angry forever. While anger is a powerful motivator, it eats away at our insides if we hold on to it. Yet if I can release into love, I might actually be able to hold on to my power and create change.
You see, only love creates love. War energy creates chaos and fear. (Our hearts move us forward, our egos keep us stuck.)
If I can step into my own pain, yes, there’s going to be a lot of tears and potential screaming. But from the dark only light can be created…in fact, this is how the world was created and how humans formed from the stars. The only thing that can be found in pain is a well-spring of love. For myself. For others. For the earth. For animals. This is how we re-unite under Love.
(Pacer napping photos are of my leg, other two photos are of Pacer and my sister.)
“The eyes of an animal have the power to speak a great language.”- Martin Buber
*I’ve want to give credit for this post to my Reiki therapist, who gave me the prompt for this and then told me “now go home and write the rest.”
I am at a waterfall. I am meant to go through. The answer is on the other side.
Why am I hesitating?
Fear.
Fear of what?
I know joy and peace lay just beyond the water’s permeable walls…
I fear myself. My perceived unworthiness. I need to suffer more- to erase the shame- to prove my worthiness.
I need to walk a thousand miles with bloody knees- no, sweating blood as Jesus did. I need to be so tired and broken- having given every once of myself- to deserve to walk through the falls. I am only worthy when in pain.
Yet my heart (Pacer) pulls me forward, anyway. I dig my heels into the ground, breaking against her pull. She tells me it doesn’t have to be this way. Pain isn’t the way to joy. Joy is the way to joy. Pain simply shows us when we’re not in alignment, when we’re separated from Love, joy, an our true selves.
She tells me, “Those false beliefs that have been ingrained in you, your family- it is your Light that is meant to break the illusion, for you and those you love.”
I remember the beginning lines from one of my favorite Mary Oliver poems:
“You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.” (Mary Oliver, Wild Geese)
So I let my heart pull me forward. Through the waterfall that has transformed into rays of light. I step through and exhale…
And then for a moment I step back out. “Actually, what if it’s not that good?” I wonder. “What if none of it’s true and there is still pain and suffering on the other side?”
I guess there’s nothing to lose…
I try again, Pacer impatiently waiting (“patience” is her least favorite “P” word).
All there is is light, even as I keep walking. It just keeps going, almost holding me even as I take another step. It feels like safety and I just want to collapse and rest for a bit. And so I do.
I’m not sure if it’s moments or days later, but eventually I wake up. Pacer and I shake out our sleepies together, but I have the feeling she was watching over me the whole time. Suddenly, we’re at the edge of the fall of lights. I can see the blurred other side through the rays. This time, I let my heart (Pacer) pull me forward without hesitating.
It’s all the same, really. Almost.
Just brighter. Vivid. More intense. Yet the colors don’t blind me and the love doesn’t overwhelm me. It feels like Home.
I am the same too. Just brighter. Clearer.
Okay, maybe I’m a little taller too.
Joy, emanating off my form. Clarity. The worry lines on my face have disappeared. Here, I Know.
A Dog and Her Girl 