"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ." – The Little Prince
In my work as a psychotherapist, I have the pleasure of working with and learning from many artists. One of my clients recently showed me one of his wood carvings, and I was truly, truly amazed. I asked him how he did it. He said he really couldn’t explain how it felt (another energy seemed to take over), but he knew that anytime he had a pre-planned idea in mind of what he thought it should be, it never turned out as good.
I thought, “Wow. What a great metaphor for therapy.” The truth is, most of us are buried beneath stories of who we should be. Therapy is the work of chipping away at those stories, setting free the most authentic version of ourselves.
We are all, individually, masterpieces. Togher, we are part of an even grand tapestry, so big and amazing we can’t even comprehend while in physical form. Much of the tapestry is still covered in shadows. But if you are willing to uncover your own masterpiece within, you invite others to take the covers off their own. When you live your own authentic truth, you naturally set others free as well.
While prescription medication can and sometimes should play a role in managing and recovering from mental health challenges such as depression and anxiety, it’s important to remember that for most people, medication should only be used as a temporary tool in conjunction with therapy and other natural remedies that have been proven equally, if not more effective. With that being said, if you are currently taking medication to help support you with mental challenges, there should be no shame or guilt! Take medication from an empowered stance, knowing you are doing the best you can to support yourself through your healing journey.
Here are other researched and proven techniques to support your mental health:
Nature– Spending time in nature can relieve stress, boost your mood, and help shift your perspective. Nature therapy, or “ecotherapy”, is already a common practice in countries like Japan, where doctors may actually prescribe shinrin-yoku (forest bathing) to patients!
Exercise– Benefits of exercises include: Enhanced mood, reduction of stress and anxiety, improved cognitive function, better sleep,increased energy, and improved self-esteem (just to name a few).
BREATHE– Diaphragmatic, or deep belly breathing (my favorite), box breathing (4 second inhale, 4 second hold,4 exhale, 4 hold), and other box breathing practices help reset your nervous system, switching you from fight or flight (sympathetic) to rest and digest (parasympathetic). Practicing a few minutes of deep breathing or BrEathing with your emotions everyday can be a GAME CHANGER.
Journaling– Free writing, or journaling, is all the rage right now, and for a good reason. Writing from our emotions can help us release suppressed emotions and unlock any subconscious beliefs and blocks that have kept us feeling stuck. (Bonus: After your emotion-based freewriting practice, take another few minutes to write from your Higher Self.)
Play & Creativity: Play and creative activity not only help us express emotions but can take us beyond the rational and logical (and also ruminative) part of our mind and into the part of our mind that allow us to access greater perspectives, new ideas, and access our wholeness. (Bonus: Activities like pickle ball and knitting include “bi-lateral stimulation” of the brain, a technique used in EMDR therapy.)
Sleep: Simply stated, your brain just can’t function properly without enough sleep.
Daily Gratitude Practice: A daily gratitude practice trains your mind (YES, YOU CAN TRAIN YOUR MIND!) to look for the good in life and cultivate emotions of appreciation, love, and abundance…and a release of all those feel good hormones. As you write or think of your list, make sure you pause and tap into the feeling-state.
Whole Foods: Whole, plant-based foods are anti-inflammatory, which is a good thing for both your body and your mind (which of course, are intimately connected). Dark leafy greens, nuts, berries, whole grains, and avocados are especially great. Oh, and we’ll include dark chocolate (72% or more) too!
Connection (time with family, friends, and animals): Connections offer us a sense of belonging, purpose, and support. When we feel supported, we feel safe, and we can relax. Animals count too! We know dog studies have shown a reduction of cortisol and a release of oxytocin.
Meditation: Meditation helps us to detach from our thoughts, helping us realize that our thoughts are just…thoughts. We don’t have to believe them. We can just witness them. (Reminder: There’s no being “good” or “bad” at meditation! It’s a practice. If you notice yourself thinking 10x in 1 minute, the key is you noticed, and that is awesome!)
Spirituality: Having a spiritual practice, which might simply mean believing in something bigger than yourself, has now been shown to be a buffer against depression and foster feelings of connection and purpose. Spirituality can play an important function in how we make meaning out of challenging situations and support us in times of grief. If you’re interested in learning more, I highly suggest reading The Awakened Brain: The New Science of Spirituality and Our Quest for an Inspired Life by Dr. Lisa Miller.
Service: Similar to much of the above, service can decrease feelings of depression and anxiety while increasing feelings of gratitude and a sense of purpose. But the summary is, service gets you out of your head and “little self” and into your heart-based, expansive self. Volunteering is absolutely wonderful, but even something simple, like taking a minute to chat with someone at work who you noticed looks a little down today. You can always choose to BE A LIGHT.
When you’re “in it”, I recommend latching on to a few key phrases that can hold you steady until the waves pass through. A few I find helpful are: “This too shall pass”, “I’m stuck in a thought cycle”, “I’m okay, I’m safe”, and “I am loved”. No panic attack or dark night of the ego lasts forever, I promise. Things can and will get better.
(There’s always support available. Colorado mental health support line: 988.)
Dosage: Most changes are successful when they are built by small increments. In general, I don’t suggest attempting to make huge lifestyle changes in a week (New Year’s resolutions often fail for a reason). What I suggest instead is making small, daily changes that you can add or incorporate into your normal life. For example, you may simply add a banana to your breakfast or a few blueberries as a side to your lunch. If you don’t exercise at all, a 20 minute (or even a 5 minute) walk outside/in nature is a great addition. Take some deep, conscious breaths during your shower or take two minutes before turning your car radio on after work to simply check in with yourself and breathe.
In my last post about the non-linear, or wanderlust, path, I wrote about how obstacles, or even finding yourself back in a pattern than you thought you healed from, can actually be a sign you’re on the right path. (Assuming you’ve done the inner work and you’re not actually talking about a closed door).
I talked a little bit about the “why” this happens, but I almost forgot my favorite reason. To paraphrase from A Course in Miracles: forgetting helps us remember, better.
If we choose. We could, of course, also choose to be defeated and continue to play the victim role. And many of us do this (I sure have) unknowingly. But this forgetting, these obstacles, are actually opportunities to help us fully step into our power.
I remember, probably in grad school, learning about an experiment done on a tree that was grown in PERFECT conditions. Just the right amount of sunlight and water. No storms or high winds. All the right nutrients and soil conditions. The tree thrived for a while, and then…it wilted over. It may have had the perfect conditions, but not the right conditions to deepen its roots and build the resilience to thrive. (This actually says a lot about raising a child. In the early years, the child just needs love, love, love. And that safety in love is what helps the child feel brave enough to say…go play at the playground without their parents tracing every step. There’s a good chance the child will fall and bruise a knee. If the parent greets that child with a sense of calm and love, in a few minutes (or maybe in a few days), the child will most likely feel brave enough to go out and try again.)
In therapy, if you offer your therapist a list of intentions or goals for your inner world journey, you will most likely be tested. Not tested in a bad way, to prove yourself, but because your soul is eager to evolve and challenges help us strengthen our resolve, our faith in ourselves, and our faith in the divine.
I love the tree example, but wildflowers are really my favorite example for what forgetfulness and challenges result in. Each summer, the high mountain wildflowers literally take my breath away. These flowers are anything but fragile. Short Flower Indian paintbrush grows between 10,700 and 13,100 ft where oxygen is reduced. Not only that, these flowers endure brutal (and magnificent) summer lightning storms. These are not flowers you’re just going to easily pull up by their roots. And, they are the most vibrant and stunning flowers you will ever see, because of their resilience. Maybe they know, and maybe they don’t, that the sun will always come after the storm. That new life will be born after death, and that seeing them can transform a soul. But you can choose to be inspired by the wildflowers. You can choose to be empowered.
Author’s Note: The funny thing is… right after I shot the video for this post (see Substack, “The Wanderlust Path” or “Wanderlust Counseling” on Instagram), I took Pacer (my dog) for an evening walk to a dirt road up at higher elevation, ~25 minutes from my house. Most likely as I was taking a picture of my oh-so-adorable dog, I lost my car key! Yikes! And I could have absolutely let that get me down and add that as proof that the Universe does not have my back. Luckily, my sister only lived ~15 minutes away, and was able to pick me and my dog up before dark. I also had accidentally over dressed for the walk, so I was warm enough. And I also had accidentally left my back window rolled down when I wanted to give my dog some fresh air, which meant I could stand one the tire, grab my ski pole, and use it to unlock the front door. I also luckily keep a spare car key in my car, in case something like this ever happened. There’s probably a little more here too, something I can’t yet see. The main thing is that I am continuing to believe that the Universe has my back, and I’m always supported (even if the Universe has a tendency to often show up as my sister).
Healing isn’t found in the past, but in unraveling from it.
Some people give therapists bad raps for “just talking to people about their problems”. And I’m like “whoa, that’s not my job description.” But honestly… it is part of it, for a very good reason: Some people have never had a safe place to talk and experience their emotions, so just letting them talk and feel lets them know they’re okay, they’re safe, and just that can be healing.
And then the unraveling begins.
I‘ll just say a bit on this for now: You’re not who you think you are. (Take that Descartes). You’re identity (unless you’ve already unraveled) is a configuration of all your thoughts and beliefs and emotions experienced (or suppressed) from throughout your life time, but mainly, BEFORE THE AGE OF 8. Which means most of it’s subconscious (just below the surface of your awareness), especially as much of what you learned came from what you saw, what you felt, and the stories you created from it. And unless you were held and loved the majority of time you experienced big emotions, those stories probably aren’t good.
That sounds like a lot, I know. Breathe. (No seriously, breathe. Full belly breaths. It’s one of the best things you can do to heal your nervous system, which is probably out of whack from all those fear/not enough stories you’ve been telling yourself.)
The good news is, you can unravel. You can be free!
And your triggers (whatever sets off a big emotional response, or even depression can be a start) can get you there.
Here’s my basic process:
-Identify the trigger.
-Name the emotion (if possible) and BrEathe with it. This creates some safety.
-See if any past memory “floats” up. (To use EMDR phrasing)
– What was the story little you came up with to make sense of what was happening? (ie. Dad is never home and doesn’t want to spend time with me. I must be unlovable.)
-Drop the story, and once again just BrEathe with the emotion. What does little you need?
-What’s a new story, one that you’d prefer to believe? (This is where you get to create!)
Last, remember the healing path is non-linear- it’s The Wanderlust Path- and it’s OKAY that it doesn’t come all at once. You’ll probably have to do this many times. But that’s okay, because you’re worth it.
The path to healing, growth, and evolution isn’t linear. It’s not something to get frustrated about (but do honor your emotions). These obstacles and road bumps (different from roadblocks and closed doors) are actually signs YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH!
In fact, we know that obstacles and challenges are not only what make us stronger, but bring us closer to our true, most awesome (and authentic), selves.
Accepting this truth, that challenges are signs we’re on the right path, can keep us from getting stuck. It’s when we judge ourselves, “Why am I here again? I thought I healed this!” that we’re resisting the lesson and blocks us from 1) the opportunity to apply what we learned the last time and 2) prevents us from being curious*, “Hmm, why is this happening again?” “Why is this repeating?” “What do I have to learn here?” “How can I love myself more?”
* Curiosity is different from “trying to figure everything out”, which has more of a fear energy. Oh, self-judgement will never get you to healing, either!
This idea, that the path to healing and growth often happens in loops and includes challenges, can be applied to athletes too.
When I work with athletes who get injured, they usually end up working with a PT, commit to correcting poor form, or to consistently performing exercises that target underused muscles. When that athlete comes back, they’re not only physically stronger, but more mentally resilient for having gone through the challenge. There’s a new belief, a new resilience in them that says, “I can move through challenges and not only be okay, but be closer to that highest version of myself.”
A slight reframe: The path to healing and self-evolution is really the journey of transformation. Usually, we metaphorically think of this as the process of being a caterpillar to becoming a butterfly*: First, we are a caterpillar. Then, we wrap ourselves inside a cocoon. Third, we become MUSH, obsolete. From the mush, we transform into butterflies. But in order to REALLy be a butterfly, we have to fight our way out of the cocoon.
*The caterpillar and butterfly share the same DNA, but the genes are expressed differently. That, in itself, is metaphorical. Article Link
But what I really see for most people is little transformations inside a BIG transformation. Maybe we go through a small transformation in a few months or 1 year period, but then in 7* years, BOOM! We’re this new, amazing being flying high and living our best lives. (In other words, don’t give up. You’re right where you’re meant to be.)
*On AVERAGE, our body’s cells renew every 7 to 10 years. However, some cells are replaced every few days, and others take 70 years. Article Link
…And then there’s probably another evolution, but this time it’s easier because we’ve done it before and this higher version of ourselves knows that THIS IS A SIGN WE’RE ON THE RIGHT PATH.
Surrender doesn’t have to be an exasperated throwing up of your hands in despair, saying “I’ve give up.”
Surrender can be throwing your hands up in the air with a big “Yay!” I don’t have to figure everything out. I don’t have to do this alone!”
Because really, you can trust a Higher Power. Your mind just doesn’t know that. (Endless hours spent on decision-making, anyone?)*
Surrender is allowing yourself to be fully Loved, despite any stories your mind has come up with to stay otherwise.
Surrender is trusting that you are Love, and that Love is guiding you. That Love knows the way.
Surrender is letting Love more through you, fully.
Really, it’s an act of enlightenment. It’s an act of celebration.
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*Okay, so why do you overthink and are relatively certain that you can’t trust an inner voice or Higher Power to guide you? Great question!
For many of us, Love, or a decision we made, was invalidated or in some way made bad, like it negatively affected our parents. This is a big wound Gabor Mate talks about…when a child becomes an emotional caretaker for a parent (https://youtu.be/tool-R8VJ2Y?si=IbY20B8dPBzasdYG). Anyway, what happens then is that we create a story, usually about ourselves, about how we were wrong and in some way defected, so then all of these voices (based on a multitude of various experiences) try to come in to help us make the best decision…and that’s how we end up feeling crazy. Parts work is a great way to start to unravel from all these voices, but also…meditating, belly breathing, or any activity that quiets the mind can help us “hear” (for me, its more of a felt sense then translated by the mind) our Inner Guide**.
** I know, I keep switching out Love, Higher Self, Inner Guide…go with what resonates for you.
Extra: It’s actually been really helpful for me to keep track of when I make a decision based on my mind vs one made from my heart, or intuition. I’ve often been amazed by some of the outcomes, which makes me want to trust it more…and it gives those “fear parts” some reassurance.
Yesterday, as I was doing my normal uphill laps at our local ski resort, a gentleman who I had met and talked to in December stopped me. He said, “I told myself if I saw you again, I would stop you and say thank you for being so kind to me the day we talked.” Even as I type this, I feel happy, meaningful tears well up in my eyes.
Even though I’m a therapist and a coach, I haven’t always felt like I’m living my purpose in this world, which is really just to be a light so I can mirror others’ own light back to them. I don’t always show up as the highest version of mySelf. And really, I know that’s because there’s so much darkness that still clouds my mind, which I know are just stories and old beliefs.
And maybe that’s the work I still haven’t done. To truly reframe those old beliefs, let go of the shame, and allow the true me to unravel. Maybe it’s been a subconscious form of self-sabotage, not really believing I could do it or that I was worth the effort of creating a new narrative.
Yet this man, giving me my gift right back, saw it. Saw the unwounded, unbound version of me. Without using words, he told me “You are your purpose.”
Because really, the more I’ve done my own inner work…the more I’ve BrEathed with my emotions, traced them back to core memories and witnessed the stories my mind created, the more I KNOW that we are all, inherently, enough. Anything else truly is just a story. We are all worthy of divine, unconditional love.
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A few notes:
1). I usually ski on Tuesdays. It’s my favorite day to go because it’s the quietest. But after a client cancelled, I checked in with my intuition (something I’m very much just still practicing with) and I felt like Monday was the optimal choice.
2) That morning, I had done one of my favorite Gabrielle Bernstein exercises, “The Daily Design Method” (below) and I practiced feeling into my answers, envisioning how I wanted to feel in the things I knew I would be doing that day. This exercise, or any meditation focusing on feeling into your future or highest self, can be really powerful, and relates to what I mentioned about shedding the past and reframing old beliefs- or creating new ones altogether.
-How do I want to feel today?
-Who do I want to be today?
-What do I want to receive today?
-What do I want to give today?
3. I want to be clear on this- therapy often gets a bad wrap for just “talking about problems”. While that can certainly be a component (a lot of people do feel better by just sharing, and it creates a sense of emotional safety), that’s actually a very tiny part of therapy. What it does entail finding compassion for ourselves, often by visiting old memories, the beliefs we created from them, and understanding our development. By unravelling, our true selves can emerge. IFS empathizes Self being revealed, while EMDR focuses on a structured process of past, present, and future, with the last phase being the true integration of how we want to feel and what we want to believe. This can be done in other ways, of course, like using the exercise above and meditations. But if we don’t get through some of the old cobwebs, blocks, or victim mentality (feeling hopeless or unworthy), it’s really hard to convince someone they deserve to feel good, as I believe, was my case (which was super subconscious).
On cloudy days, we know the sun is always right behind the clouds. It hasn’t disappeared, we just can’t see it. The same thing goes for when our minds are clouded by negative thoughts. Our own inner light, as well as the light of Source, is always right there.
And so, our thoughts are like clouds. It is only the stories we tell ourselves, and allowing them to build up, that block us from seeing the sun. When we see a thought earlier on (you might catch the emotion first, then the thought), we can notice it without attaching too it, and allow it to pass, so the sun is still felt.
This, my love, takes practice. Sometimes, when you’re feeling cloudy, you might just simply have to remember you’re not thinking clearly, and take some deep breaths.
Your breath acts like the wind…breathe fully into the emotion (just the emotion, dropping the story), and let it begin to move with the exhale. Repeat.
If there’s no movement, the thought or belief might be stuck. That’s okay. Again, this takes practice. Wait until another time, when you’re feeling some light, to get curious about the belief and its orgin.
Remember, the sun is always shining.
Absolutely no pressure! But if you find my writing valuable and have an extra few bucks, you’re welcome to “buy Pacer a treat”: buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver
You must be willing to let go of any stories you’ve read about Her. Drop any preconceived notions about who she was and supposed to be, and allow Her to show you exactly who She is.
Anything else, and She won’t feel “safe” enough to reveal Herself to you. She will never abandon you, but She will only go where She knows she is accepted, where She is free.
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*”Safe”, I agree, is an interesting word choice, but it’s the best word that came to me. She, the Divine Feminine, the Divine Mother, the Goddess, doesn’t really have a “fuck you” attitude, but She is- in how She shows up for me- fierce and graceful. So it’s not so much that she needs protection, but She’s not going to move in places where there is resistance to Her. Or, personally, if my mind is lending to the fear stories in my mind, I can’t hear Her.
**A little celebration: I, or a version of me I am transforming, is extremely indecisive. Last night, I got flustered and frustrated when I couldn’t choose what route I wanted to ski. But I tapped into a state of “knowing” (really, just telling myself “I am someone who knows and doing a quick 3 second I’m just going to decide (thank you Gabby Bernstein) exercises this morning, and I made the decision that my mind less approved of because it was the easier route, but I heard HER, just over that fear. And somehow, amazingly, I got to the trail just before the city workers did, who were plowing the road for the next mile because it was melting fast and they wanted to give the ski mobiles a little more time, allowing them to part at the next trailhead. But the awesome city work let me park my car in the road (I drove up a bit to drop my gear off and Pacer’s Supergirl Sled before planning on hiking back up), closed the gate behind me, and we had Cottonwood Road ALL TO OURSELVES! I really couldn’t have planned that better. So thank you, Divine Feminine /my intuition.
A Dog and Her Girl 