"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ." – The Little Prince
On the last day of mental health awareness month, I figured I’d chime in. Both as a therapist and a frequent client.
First off, a gentle reminder- you never have any idea of what someone else is going through OR what is going on inside someone. Most of my clients are high functioning. I’ve been high functioning since I was 7. And we still suffer. So please be kind.
You never know who is screaming in pain behind the smile.
Mental wellness, as I’ve come to witness and observe, is almost always more complicated than we think. Rarely, if ever, will 10 session be enough. There’s complex PTSD that runs through our nervous systems, individually and as a collective. There’s ancestral trauma. And simply the pain of living in an unconscious world. These rivers run deeper than the mind can see. More and more, I’m realizing that the work of psychotherapy (“in service to the soul”) is the work of healing wounds of generations, perhaps since our origin story misconstrued and then either removed or belittled the Feminine. We all still want our Mother.
(I also want acknowledge the increased recognition of animals as healers as an important part of the hope and effectiveness in current therapy.)
There’s also never been more hope. Mind-body therapies like IFS, somatics, and EMDR are proving effective in conjunction with talk therapy, CBT, and other forms of subconscious work. (I will never talk negatively about talk therapy- because is you trust your therapist and you form a connection with them- finally believing there is someone gives a sh*t about you- that’s fucking healing.) Of course, there’s also the reintroduction of psychedelics- not as party drugs (you do you), but as sacred medicine for healing. (I’ve tried both psilocybin and ketamine, KA-EMDR, to be specific, and are happy to chat more about both). Which also, maybe just as importantly, offers the return of women as priestesses, taking us back not just to ancient Greece but also to early Christianity.
And dads could protect their families by putting down their guns.
I wish humans
children of the light
could laugh, run, play
knowing their vulnerability, their innocence, was safe.
I wish we knew
the power we harness
when we forgive ourselves for
past mistakes
and allow Love to heal all.
Sometimes i wish the world made a little more sense…
I will forever shed a thousand tears and feel fully enraged driving past the slaughter farms of eastern Colorado and watching the cow-sentient beings Aushwitz trucks drive by.
And body will always feel the pain of another woman being slain in the name of love.
(I started writing this post before the tragedy In Minnesota- bot these pains, all the pains, feel true in my heart. Perhaps, as Martin Pretchl famously preached in his speech Grief and Praise, it is the job of empaths, the job of healers, namely woman identified people, to publicly grieve so we can all tend our hearts. Then push ourselves off the ground once again, and continue are march not with guns and hate, but with the power of broken hearts and love expanded.)
What I think is important for all of us to understand is the battle we are fighting isn’t out there, even if it appears to be. It’s inside of us. * *This is why the title of Steve Magness’s newest book Win the Inside Game is so brilliant.
This theme of dark and light, showcased in all our favorite books and movies: Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Wars, The Chronicles of Narnia…these battles are all happening within our minds. Our heads have always been the projector playing these movies onto the big screen of life. These battles may appear “out there”, but the war that really matters is within. Which is why I’ll add another book/movie favorite to the list, Alice and Wonderland, which I’ll write a bit more about in a few paragraphs.. We all, if we so choose, get to go on our own hero’s, or heroine’s journey.
Recently, I’ve heard a differentiation between the hero’s and heroine’s journey. From my perspective, they’re not that different, but manifest differently because of the female embodiment. At the essence of both, we are reclaiming the divine feminine. After all, isn’t this the whole point of Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code?* The woman reclaims herself** . The man learns to honor, to surrender to, the part of himself he rejected. Non-binary people are viewed with the utmost respect, having already harmonized themself in the two energies. We see the oppressor for what it is: fear. Fear and the stories our mind creates around the emotion. We hear the siren’s call (The Odyssey) but learn not to turn towards it. We fight not with weapons, but with our hearts. If fear is the opposite of love, it cannot remain standing in the face of Love’s light. *While I admittedly only read part of the book, this is also the point of Brian C. Maruresku’s historical research and book, The Immortality Key: The Secret History of the Religion with No Name. *Recommended read: The Girl Who Baptized Herself by Meggan Watterson
As we reclaim the divine feminine within- our inner knowing, our truth, our love- we watch as our inner dictators lose power. We know, and begin to understand, this ancient truth: “As within, so without.” “As above, so below.” (Hermetic Principle). “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven..” -John Milton, Paradise Lost. And of course, “The kingdom of God is within you.” – Jesus, The Bible (Luke 17:20-21) My guess is that you can see, if you’ve done any inner reflection, how the characters in your brain often seem to play out in the world. Donald Trump is no worse than my inner critic. I have dated too many guys with chauvinistic and covertly manipulative tendencies. Yet I also have my trusty sidekick and great love, my dog, by my side. I literally have an Obi-Wan who guides me (Reiki Master & Mindfulness Coach) and Galadriel (my therapist, with a touch of Ginny Weasley). (I swear, my Reiki teacher and therapist look just like these “fictional” characters). My own dad, who first gave me his old, dusty copy of Lord of the Rings before I entered the hospital for an eating disorder in 7th grade, possesses wizardry no short of Professor Dumbledore, or Gandolf, twinkle in eye and sense of humor in hand. Who are these characters in your own life?
As the battle reaches its peak, we see the contrast heighten: the female is repressed and shunned, called a liar or a witch. Darkness seems to grow as authoritative power seems to increase- in response to fear of being defeated. Again, this is the war within our own minds. And it is here that we must believe in our ability to conquer. Not with maleficence, for we need our minds, but with clear seeing, forgiveness, and love. This is also where most of us want to give up, to turn back. We question our worth and our abilities. While I rarely admit this out loud, I have said to Obi-Wan, “I don’t think I can win.” My own programming- my own darkness- felt too strong. We all ask ourselves, “Who am I?”. I think of the tiny hobbit, Frodo, trying to admit defeat, “I can’t do this, Sam.” Alice (Through the Looking Glass, Lewis Carrol) doubting her ability to slay the Jabberwocky, the incessant inner critic of her mind*. But this is where our team comes in- love- the ghost of Harry’s parents as he duels Voldemort, Sam replying to Frodo, “..Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something… That there’s some good in this world.” It’s the call to my sister when I need help finding a better thought. My therapist letting me know how much I have grown. Obi-wan always seeing the best in me, when I only see the worst. And in the name of love (or doG), we say, “I am not afraid. I was born to do this.”, proclaiming like Joan of Arc, the brave heart warrior archetype we all possess, even though we may be shaking. *Not being able to ignore the synchronicities, which are, according to psychotherapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, and author, Carl Jung, signs you’re on the right path, I finally decided to go on a psilocybin/psychedelic journey- I was in the safety of therapist’s office and guided by friends. While I was hoping to give my Default Mode Network some help, a common experience for many “journeyers” (although perhaps slightly exaggerated in Michael Pollan’s otherwise informative book/documentary, How to Change Your Mind– admittedly, another half read for me) part of my message is that I still need to be the one to do it, to experience my own power. However, what I was shown was why I experience so much inner pain, a glimpse at some of my gifts, and a big nudge that I needed to trust myself enough to use them.
The journey, if we choose to say “yes’ to it, is hard. Arduous. We hope it lasts but a few hours, maybe days, growing wearing when it lasts for years. We’ll get bloody and grow weary. We’ll want to give up. Keep going. Look up at the night sky, and a shooting star will remind us a loved one is near. A friend, or perhaps a dog, will remind us that Love will never leave our side. And even if we die in the pursuit, in that Love, we will always find safety. That makes us brave. We may wander, but we are not lost. There is purpose to our journey. There is good, there is gold, there is doG worth fighting for. We realize that we are the Hero/ine of your story, even if just a mere human. And somehow, in that acceptance, we realize who we truly are.
We reclaim what we thought was stolen and burned, but was in fact, only hidden. We forgive our minds, because they were doing the best they could with what they perceived was gone. We embrace. We find the lost pages of Mary Magdalene’s gospel (I highly recommend Mary Magdalen Revealed by Meggan Waterson). We fill that hole, that void we’ve been trying to fill all our lives. Discovering that that too, Love, has always been within. We are Love, Herself.*
We come back Home.
*This, of course, is why the last Star Wars movie had to be women led.
****
Below is a channeled message. A good friend (“Obi-Wan”) has been gently encouraging me to share more of my gift of channeling, so here it is:
You are so loved. Your mind is trying hard to maintain power- it’s dictatorship.
You are bigger, you are stronger.
Keep going.
This is an opportunity for you to know your true power.
It is not the mistakes you make that matter, even if it was your mind (brain’s programming) that caused you to make them. It is how you talk to yourself after, how you love or judge yourself.
You are becoming Love. You are Love.
This is your battle to win.
Not through opposing dictatorship but through love, compassion, and forgiveness.
You win by clear seeing.
Dictatorship runs off of fear. Its voice is loud but you are stronger. You are more magnificent.
You have the power to lay down your weapons, knowing you cannot fight your mind into submission, and to see your oppressive voice for what it is: f.e.a.r. (false evidence appearing real).
You can love the fear, the scared child, back into wholeness, while quieting the siren’s call (turning away from the voices in your head).
The battle is within. To be fought with love and clear seeing.
By standing in your truth, firmly and defiance-
You (we) are Ray of Light.
*** (I thought this was worth sharing in full)
Frodo: “I can’t do this, Sam.”
Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness, and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it’ll shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo…and it’s worth fighting for.”
I could also say “Grief.” Which really, says the same thing. Both belong to Love.
I was briefly discussing this topic and dogs with my therapist yesterday (even as a therapist myself, it’s good to be seen by someone else)… we concluded with the fact that, “I love deeply.”
It pains me that perfect moments pass so quickly. Adventures end. Loves of our lives grow older. People die. Animals pass. Summer ends. Fall begins. Beauty shifts. Our days together won’t last forever.
One day, “Pacer’s Pack”, won’t have our leader. Or rather, she will be pure Sunshine.
I try to savor. I try to be present. Yet when I hold on, when I cling, the pain is only worse. And so I just let go. I release the waterfall within. Currently, the my own water flow trajectory is at least once a week, sometimes at home on the floor, often in spaces where I know the Sky and Earth will hold me. This pattern has been monthly for more years that others may warrant as necessary. But I will stand strong in my deep empathy, my love. Things are still good, We are still agile, but my mind projects into the fading future, as well as the current breezes.
In the end, it is only Love. It is all Love.
I cry in grief. I cry because I am so goD damn grateful. I cry because I love so deeply.
And if that is the greatest burden of my life, it is also the greatest gift.
…and when I die, may I fade into Love and never know the difference.
When I say grief, what I really mean is Love. When I say pain, what I really mean is my perceived absence of it. When I say fear, what I really mean is that I have forgotten. When I say dog, what I really mean is Love. When I say Love, what I really mean is that I have remembered.
***
Fear was created when we first felt separate from our parents or caregivers. When our needs or emotions weren’t met with care and compassion. To an infant or child, our earliest caregivers represent Love, or God. This is to stay it is during this time we truly felt separated from Love, which created fear in the body. Through developed mental processes, that fear materialized into stories of unworthiness and not enoughness. This created shame in the body, and further perceived separateness from Love.
To remember who were are is to connect back to Oneness, to Love. We have to let go our stories, free (allow) the stuck emotions to be experienced, and surrender back to Love. Which takes Trust, because most of have forgotten a time when it was there. (Dogs and other animals can help remind us.) So ultimately, your trust fall is letting go of fear and falling back into Love.
You must be willing to let go of any stories you’ve read about Her. Drop any preconceived notions about who she was and supposed to be, and allow Her to show you exactly who She is.
Anything else, and She won’t feel “safe” enough to reveal Herself to you. She will never abandon you, but She will only go where She knows she is accepted, where She is free.
****
*”Safe”, I agree, is an interesting word choice, but it’s the best word that came to me. She, the Divine Feminine, the Divine Mother, the Goddess, doesn’t really have a “fuck you” attitude, but She is- in how She shows up for me- fierce and graceful. So it’s not so much that she needs protection, but She’s not going to move in places where there is resistance to Her. Or, personally, if my mind is lending to the fear stories in my mind, I can’t hear Her.
**A little celebration: I, or a version of me I am transforming, is extremely indecisive. Last night, I got flustered and frustrated when I couldn’t choose what route I wanted to ski. But I tapped into a state of “knowing” (really, just telling myself “I am someone who knows and doing a quick 3 second I’m just going to decide (thank you Gabby Bernstein) exercises this morning, and I made the decision that my mind less approved of because it was the easier route, but I heard HER, just over that fear. And somehow, amazingly, I got to the trail just before the city workers did, who were plowing the road for the next mile because it was melting fast and they wanted to give the ski mobiles a little more time, allowing them to part at the next trailhead. But the awesome city work let me park my car in the road (I drove up a bit to drop my gear off and Pacer’s Supergirl Sled before planning on hiking back up), closed the gate behind me, and we had Cottonwood Road ALL TO OURSELVES! I really couldn’t have planned that better. So thank you, Divine Feminine /my intuition.
I lay in bed with a hand on my chest, feeling the almost rhythmic beat of my heart (I’ve had a slight, non-harmful arrhythmia, since my early 20s). I listen to the soft pounding coming from inside of me, a change from the normal external tuning.
I feel like my heart is trying to speak to me, but it’s coming through in morse code, or perhaps an ancient language that I once understood, but now has long forgotten.
“What are you trying to tell me?”, I ask and plead at the same time.
My heart just keeps beating. Perhaps a little quicker and louder now, in response to my desperation.
While my mind believes it always has all the answers, a suspicious part of it believes my heart holds a secret. I suspect that once the secret is revealed, it will put an end to all my mind’s suffering and finally quell its endless thirst to know everything. Or at least, this is a lie my mind tells itself, because it really just wants love and safety, but that sounds too vulnerable, too childlike to admit.
The paradox is that I know my heart does hold the key, but my demand that it speak in a language I can understand and fix everything I believe is wrong is exactly what closed the pathway between my mind and heart. I suppose we could also call it fear, which I can feel in the gentle constriction of my neck.
I breathe, realizing I’m in a state of anxiety again. It always sneaks up on me, without my knowing. It’s a learned response to not trust. Not trust in myself, in light, in Love. My anxiety never feels safe. But I’m learning that perhaps, fear is the lie.
I remind myself to relax. That all is well. I am safe in my bed and hear my dog’s sleepy breathing close to me.
I put down my pen and turn off my lamp. I know my heart will speak when it is ready, when I am quiet enough to hear it.
***
The next day as I’m driving, I hear my heart simply say, “I’m right here.”
(I write a weekly “Pawsitivity Post” for Higher Running on social media and while I’ve written about being limitless before, https://adogandhergirl.com/2024/07/23/limitless-2/, I thought this was a good reminder… and I don’t know about you, but sometimes I need SEVERAL reminders before something actually sinks in.)
“You ARE limitless.” -Coach Pacer
Pawsitivity Tip Friday!
Coach Pacer is fast, but she’s probably not the fastest dog out there, nor the most talented (she knows other ways to get treats). It doesn’t matter to her, because she knows those things don’t define her. She’s not weighed down by stories of low self-worth because of what she can and cannot do. She knows that her mom, Coach Ray, could not love her anymore than she already, infinitely does. Truly, her energy is boundless, going beyond physical limitations and mental beliefs. And that is what makes Coach Pacer limitless!
As energetic beings inhabiting physical bodies, there are physical limits. Many of us will not run a sub 4 min mile or be the second person to run a sub 2hr marathon, no matter how hard we try (pushing and forcing is usually fear-based). Those aren’t actually limits. First, we could imagine ourselves running those times, and our imaginations are great sources of play. Second, and more importantly, the only thing that actually weighs us down and holds us back from our true potential are the stories we tell ourselves about our worth based on our physical and mental abilities. Once we can unravel ourselves from those stories (which does take work) and we can accept and love the bodies we’ve been given, we become free. We realize we ARE limitless.
Sometimes, when it’s hard for me to have faith, when I don’t believe in God/Love/The Universe or that any Divine Being could ever really have my back, and I feel like I’m all alone in this world to figure everything out, I like to remember…
The sun is located at the exact distance away from the earth to allow for life, for me to breathe and the trees grow. Each day, the moon gently directs the ocean tides, pulling them in, pulling them out. In the spring, the rains will come, preparing the dirt for my favorite mountain wildflowers to bloom by summer. Each fall, the trees turn gold before letting go and the wildflowers will die and winter will come again. That every season, there is a the perfect cycle of rest, growth, thriving, and dying- and always an opportunity for rebirth. Each day, each year, brings perfect harmony between dark and light, allowing for that cycle to happen. And tonight, as the sun sinks down in the horizon, without me lifting a finger, the stars will come out to shine and say “hello”, reminding me that I am not alone. That somehow, through the destruction of a star mixing with the energy of light, with magic, and forged through the sacredness of my mother’s womb, I am here. I am here on this miraculous planet with mountains and rivers and canyons and deserts and birds and elephants and dogs and cows and sunsets and sunrises and people and animals to love and who love me too. And then I think, “Wow. I really am loved” and I don’t feel like I’m alone anymore.
(I of course remember too, that I have the best Pacer ever, a pure being who loves me unconditionally, and somehow, miraculously, we found each other in this big, crazy world-truly, states away-and on a path to me that didn’t really make sense, until it did.)
The wild don’t have anxiety, believe in the fear-based thoughts the mind conjures, nor do they pay homage to the ego, have ties to achievement, or fears of not being enough, especially when following their heart, a path that might not lead to outward acclaim. The wild are true only to their souls.
At the same time, the wild are not reckless. They don’t egoically override fear to prove their superiority over it, which ultimately strengthens their ego identity. When making decisions, there’s no debate among the voices in their head, or even if there is, the wild can see them as fears. Instead, the wild use intuition. Their hearts are the only compass they need. They both love life and do not fear death. The wild care only about protecting the innocence of the inner child.
Guided by love and not fear, guided not by the mind but by the soul, the wild are free.
*This phrase was first said to me by Denise Mange, founder of Pet Prana, who is a pet trainer and animal communicator. She said this to me during a session with her after I said that I almost always worry about Pacer when we’re out adventuring. This made me realize that most of my fear voices, “Do we turn back? Do we keep going? Is Pacer happy?”, were mine and not Pacer’s. Pacer is happy just being outside (especially with her pack), and as always, will tell me when she wants to turn or slow down. It’s only the voices, or parts arguing in my head, that in the past would leave me confused. And truly, my fears and my general anxiety/hypervigilance around life have affected Pacer, who can pick up on my stress, causing her to be excessively protective of me. This obviously wasn’t good for her, and because I love Pacer more than anything in the world, forced me to look at myself. Really, Pacer was asking me to step into my own power, to start trusting myself and my intuition again (I’ve done quite a bit of parts work to unravel myself from the thoughts blocking me from my intuition), so we could both return to our wild nature.
A Dog and Her Girl 