"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ." – The Little Prince
“What is it that gets in the way of us, human-spirits, living our highest potential?”*
Lack of love for ourselves, self-hate, thinking we are not enough, that we are broken- these beliefs are all childlike energies stuck in our psyche, manifested in the body, and buried beneath layers of neuro-wiring. These beliefs need nurtured back to love, so they can return to the light. It is through consistent nurturance and compassion, being shown and not just told they are safe, that these young energies can release the mental myths they clinged to and naturally be reformulated and reconceptualized into Truth. With Love as our base- then, we can be BRAVE. We can venture out into the unknown- towards the destiny blocked by the egoic eye- to the potential that lies beyond the shadows.
As always, Love is the answer.
* I received the message recently that I was meant to share, and trust, more of my intuitive gifts, gifts that are still very much in the infancy stage due to undernourishment (after all, I did grow up in the Catholic Church where only men were allowed to preach) and often being passively shunned throughout my life (still, so many men don’t want to receive messages from women). With that, not everyone will get these messages, and that’s okay- they might not be for you. Those meant to read these messages will most likely be others who identify as seekers, highly sensitive people, empaths, wanderers, spiritual enthusiasts, people who don’t feel like they quite fit in, and those who love beyond ordinary measures.
(Psychology note: A classic example used in Attachment Theory is a child at a playground. A child that has a secure attachment (a child who feels loved unconditionally and knows a parent is there supporting them) will feel both more brave to venture out into the playground to explore and, yes, PLAY, but also to know his/her/their current limits and to wait to say, try the monkey bars, until they feel more ready to do so.)
When your high schooler fucks up, when they make a mistake- because they will. Because they are human. Because their brain is still 10 years from being fully developed and now they have an increase hormones flooding their brains and bodies (it’s really as if teenager were designed to make mistakes at this period in their lives) and their in this weird liminal space between childhood and adulthood and they occupy an even stranger place called high school for half their day- love them. If you can do that, they will know unconditional love. And you have created a more successful path for them than any class ever could.
***
One of my cousins started her freshman year of high school this year. While I considered texting this advice to her parents, I’m decided it would be best not to give unsolicited advice. So I figured I’d write it out and share it with you all instead.
This advice, when a teen makes a mistake- be it getting an F, getting drunk, denting the car, etc.- is really true for a kid at any age. Mistakes are a huge and IMPORTANT part of growing. Mistakes show us what to do and what not to do and help us align to our values as well as to our highest selves. And, as mentioned above, it’s like teens are designed to make mistakes. Which makes a lot of sense in this very transitory time in their lives, as they figure out what they enjoy and the person they want to develop into as an adult.
With so much grace and respect to parents, a lot of us were taught that discipline*, yelling, and shame were the best ways to help shape a kid. But here’s what actually happens when we get mad or tell a kid “I’m so disappointed in you” when they make a mistake: We put their still developing brains into survival mode*, which floods their growing bodies with cortisol and other stress hormones, causing them to sink into depression or become passive and a people please so they stay on your “good side”***( freeze & fawn), become defensive and yell back (fight), or run away, either physically or finding escape in addictions or other activities that may appear good, but can be founded in perfectionism and obsession (flee).
*I’m not saying there is no action to be taken, but I’ll write more on that later.
*We enter survival mode anytime we feel unsafe. This means any time we perceive loving being taken away, because the primal brain translates this into the potential of being ostracized from our tribe (or family).
***You may initially enjoy a “people-pleaser” child, but what you’re really promoting is an adult that will get walked over by others and have no boundaries, that can lead to extremely unhealthy relationships.
We also know that when teens make mistakes they are either 1) genuine mistakes or 2) they are already in fear. Again, when we are in survival mode, it is nearly impossible to make the optimal choice. The functioning of our prefrontal cortex is reduced, our amygdala is turned on, and our brains and bodies are being pumped with stress hormones. What love, compassion, and curiosity does is help a teen regulate back into their parasympathetic nervous system, which means that when you return to the conversational piece, you’ll actually be able to have a conversation without an argument but with understanding. It allows the child to know they are loved UNCONDITIONALLY. That even when they are not perfect, they are still loved. When we know unconditional love, we live from a space of worthiness. We make good decisions and live a life aligned with our values. We’re healthy. We thrive. Of course we want that for our teens! So, when your child sneaks out at 1am with the keys to your new car and brings it back with a huge dent (which is less likely to happen if unconditional love has always been your parenting style- and please practice self-forgiveness if not, because truly, YOU DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER*), first (after taking a few deep breaths yourself), give them a hug. We know that in order to sneak out, they were probably trying to feel move love and connection with their friends, seeking it from the outside because it was under sourced on the inside. They’re probably terrified of you upsetting you and losing the more conditional love that they already get from you. Let them know they are loved. They are safe.
Then, once you know they’re nervous system is regulated (look for deep breathing and a calm demeanor) truly get curious and ask about their behavior or the mistake they made. Reflect not only their words but how they are feeling. It’s probably not the time to share your own stories, but do empathize and try to understand. Finally, if there is a disciplinary action to be taken, have a conversation about it with them first and state your reasoning. You might be surprised… they might actually agree with you.
Then love them more.
* “I’m disappointed in you” and “You should know better” are two of the most shaming statements we use on kids, and ourselves. The feeling of shame basically revolves around the belief that we are not worthy of love because we a broken, something is wrong with us, or simply bad. This translates into the belief that if we are imperfect- or human, we don’t deserve love. Again, we want to encourage self-reflection and growth in positive ways. And to nullify the idea that one should know better: kids learn through repetition. It’s actually completely ridiculous of an adult to say this to a small child. While a teen might have a better understanding of right from wrong, they are often motivated by their emotions and beliefs. If we’re frightened or anxious in anyway, our capacity to learn is greatly reduced. I also know if you ever used these statements with your child, they were probably used on you. And you practicing self-compassion with yourself is one of the best gifts you can give your child. Dr. Kristen Neff gives a great example of using self-compassion as a way to help your child grow in her TedTalk:
Today, on what would have been my “older” sister’s 41st birthday, I find myself searching for grief. I find a little, but no tears fall. Part of me feels guilty, like I should feel sad, like I still should be mourning her “too short life”. Guilty, knowing this might be my last post on my sister’s birthday. Like I should continue to feel weird for being physically older than my older sister ever got to be. Yet, I can hear my sister say, “You can’t find me there.”
And in truth, I know what she means. She’s free. She’s expanded. No longer bound by the limitations of human perception. The part of me that clings to grief as a way to connect, the part that tries to hold on to grief… while they served a purpose, those parts aren’t actually me.
So when I search for grief, I must dive so far into the well that at the bottom, I only find love. Then, when I find myself swimming in the joy of that Love, I know I’ll find her. I’ll be reminded that actually, we’ve never not been- we’ve always been- connected.
While my path back to finding her has been nothing short of wayward and wanderlust, she’s always been sending me signs, whispering “You can meet me here. You can be free now, too.” (while still incarnated). Just the other week, I was driving back home and asking for a sign on what to do. Before I could fully comprehend what was happening “Can’t Stop the Feeling” by Justin Timberlake (one of Amanda’s songs) comes on the radio while an RV pulls in from of me that says “T-Align”! The synchronicity of this is that my nickname for my older sister growing was “T” (and for the life of me I can not remember why) and lately I had been playing around the idea “what does it feel like to align with my True Self”?
Somedays, I can almost feel my sister holding my hand, just as I did for her when she was finding her way back Home and letting go of her human identity. She’s guiding me back toward the light, the truth of who I am. Who we are. Knowing that, if you are reading this, you came to earth for self-realization. To remember you are a soul in a human body. Away from the falsities and myths and limitations of the ego. She’s leading me back towards my deepest desire, to be free.
Here, I hear her say, “Yay!”
*Please be respectful of and honor your own journey with grief. There’s no time lifeline and no agenda on your path.
My dad worked as an electrical engineer at the same place for nearly 50 years. Actually, at 71, he still works part time at that company. The job definitely plays well to his analytical brain, but I would never call being an engineer his purpose.
His family titles probably give more insight into his purpose. He’s known as the “toy guy” and the “car guy.” He’s always got toys for the little ones in the family…and toys for himself. He probably has well over 1,000 Matchbox cars in his collection, plus minions and disney characters throughout his house. He’s also the guy everyone calls…whether it me, my cousins, or his brother and sisters and in-laws…for car help. It might be advice on what needs to be fixed, how to get it fixed cheaper, him fixing it, or he’ll lend you a car for as long as you need it. Actually, multiple family members have driven a car first owned by my dad. My dad is the guy who wanted to go to Harry Potter world for his 62nd birthday, and we’re already planning on Disney World/Galaxy’s Edge trip after he turns 72. He’s the dad who still reminds me and Sandi to remember our “happy thoughts” and sends us “unbirthday cards.” My dad has been through a lot of loss in his life, and the joy he still finds is my inspiration as I try to rise above my own darkness.
Part of his purpose comes through his own wounds. While he loves re-telling stories of gathering a group of friends for a baseball game, my dad had a paper route before he was double-digits and quickly became a caretaker for his younger siblings when his own dad had a stroke and later passed away.
His childlike wonder reignites the flame of those who have forgotten theirs. He is a protector that keeps his family safe. He is a Wizard among those who have forgotten their magic. That is his purpose.
Thinking of my dad’s purpose has helped me discover my own.
I might still say that “I help people remember who they are”, or ” I help people become free”, but more simply, I help people feel safe to express their emotions, be who they are, and feel loved. Sure, I did pick a career where I can do that for a living (and it certainly blossomed from my own wounds) but what I have chosen to do really doesn’t matter because I am the embodiment of my own purpose.
A Dog and Her Girl 