Tag: life

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Failure Wrapped in Love

A Path to Enlightenment

Failure may actually be one of the best and most efficient ways to get in alignment with the truest and highest versions of ourselves. A path to really living our best lives. …IF we can wrap failure in love.

The more mistakes we make, the more we learn how a choice or path isn’t for us, or we realize the way in which we are trying to get where want to be is out of whack (fear-based), and the more we have the opportunity to remember who we really are.

Which takes us to the blocks around failure. Shame (a topic I’ll talk more about how to work with soon) prevents us from evolving and seeing the failure, or simply the situation, with clarity. When we get lost in shame and stories of how we’re bad or not enough, we can be assured we’ve identified with our subconscious programming (small selves/ego) and NOT our Higher Selves. The irony is that the more we stay in shame (which believes we’ll make a better choice if we’re super mean to ourselves), the more likely we’ll take the take the wrong path again, make the same mistake, and fail again. (If the emotion is in you and still in the shadows, you probably won’t even know when you’re doing this.)

Yet, if we see failure through the lens of love, or rather, we love ourselves when we make a mistakes, we open ourselves up to new ideas, paths, and…to use a super spiritual word, EXPANSION. Loving energy helps us see new options and make more optimal choices (we’re past good or bad when we’re in this space).

Because we know we “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them”, to quote Albert Einstein (a super spiritual dude and scientist), it’s not thinking about being kind to ourselves that’s going to get us out of this one. Which to me, is a relief, because my neural pathways are pretty set on how I really did screw things up. (Yes, I’m right here with you on this topic.) In addition to working with childhood memories on how our shame got its origins, what we can start doing is FEELING into the energy of compassion. Personally, I have no problem doing this with my sister, my dog, my dad, etc. Once I conjure up this feeling thinking of them, I can then PRACTICE (it is a practice) turning it towards myself. Try it our yourself.

I’ve got a lot more to say about shame coming up, when I have time to write more of my thoughts down. For now, here’s some food for thought and some compassion to feel into.

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Gifts of Evolution (Part Two): A New Reality

One thing that I didn’t mention in my previous post on considering that every experience in your life is happening for you, even the one you don’t necessarily like, is that in addition to rising from victim mentality to to hero of your story (thank you, Joseph Campbell, for first writing about the “Heroe’s Journey”.), you’re entering a new reality.

Before I explain further, I’d like to thank the YouTuber who left a mean comment on my last video- all my haters seem to always come from YouTube. (I don’t actually upload any videos individually to YouTube, it’s just connected to my Substack, but I use YouTube often to listen to podcasts. Because I’m practicing becoming the focus of my attention (subject) rather than the outside world (object), I just turned off all my YouTube notifications. Look up Dr. Sue Morter if you’re interested in learning more about her “subject-object-subject” practice). I’ll return to the YouTuber and his (or the bots?) role in my evolution shortly. 

What I’m going to attempt to do for you here is explain 3D to 4D & 5D reality super simply, as it’s taken me years to understand it. 

If we take a situation and simply tell it as it is, the story, or plot, is pretty flat. “I have been injured.” What most of us do, from the place of victim mentality (which arises from unprocessed fear), is say “I’m so frustrated I’m injured. This is sucks.” While it is important to honor our emotions, the thing that keeps us stuck are beliefs such as “This is bad.” “Bad things always happen to me.” “I have no control over this.” And, while it is true that you might not be able to magically heal from the injury overnight, what you DO have the ability to shift is your perspective over what happened (in this example, the injury). This doesn’t mean you have to know why right away, but simply holding on to the belief that there is something for you in it can return you to a place of power, and perhaps paradoxically, actually support your healing. (Honestly, I don’t care if you believe everything happens for a reason or that you can simply choose to give any circumstance meaning…both are way more empowering then playing victim and labeling what happens as a negative experience.) 

With that understanding, you can now create a new story around the plot. It might start with, “I’m injured. And part of me feels sad about it, but I also know that there is something for me here to support my growth.” Later, it might turn into, “As much as I didn’t want to be injured, it really helped me pause and go inward. I have more peace in my life now, because I learned how to create it within me, than I ever did before. I’m actually glad I got injured.”

Realizing this post is getting long and I have work to do, I’m not fully going to differentiate 4D and 5D reality (in truth, I’m also still trying to fully understand it) and because I wanted to get to the YouTuber story. The short version is that 4D reality says, “I don’t like my current reality, and I can DO things to change it”. 5D reality says “I don’t like my current reality. I can shift my inner experience (emotions) to BECOME a higher version of me, and ALLOW a new physical reality come to me.

Okay, one more short story. So let’s say I’m the hero of my story. I decided I’m the main Player in the video game called Life. When the YouTuber/Villian writes a mean comment, I first allow myself to feel and heal some of the emotions from my old victim programming. Then, I realize that the Negative Ned YouTuber/Villian is just another challenge for me to get to the next level. I realize he can 1) support me in my aforementioned) healing and 2) is trying to throw darkness my way so I continue to dim my light at stay at the level I’m at, 3D reality. Having been at the level so many times, continuing to fail and calling on another life, my soul, or Player is finally evolved enough to see another path. Actually, I realized the YouTuber isn’t an enemy I’m trying to fight off. He’s actually trying to support me in my journey and challenging me to NOT dim my light this time. With my light now actually brighter, I decided to share what I learned with other Players (You), so we can all start moving to the next level, or reality, together. 

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Power

Power is not found in proving your strength.
It is not in believing you’re enough.
It’s in knowing that you are Love.

***

In the past few weeks, I’ve had the opportunity to learn so much about myself, thanks to following my triggers, and the people who triggered them.

I remembered why I’m afraid to speak up.

I’m a woman. I was taught I’m not supposed to. I’m supposed to play it small, to be humble, to be meek. My place isn’t at the top.

No one spoke up for me.

I reflected on all my past relationships. Some were, blatantly, pretty bad (although never physically abusive). Although one of the bad ones was with a covert narcissist. (I’ve written about that before). Really, it was all so hidden to me, because I couldn’t see my own wounds. Yet finally I realized no one really supported me in my power. Whether it was politics, spirituality, or animal rights, I’d get shut down. There wasn’t a place for my beliefs. My unique view of the world wasn’t accepted, even though I would always at least consider theirs. So I wouldn’t exactly give in, I’d just shut up.

Of course there is strength in reserving your energy for yourself. My belief is, protect your energy about all else. Don’t just give it away to critical people or negative thoughts. But there’s a difference between protecting your energy and dimming your light.

My light, your light, my Love, was meant to shine.

If you feel like your own low beam, ask yourself the question, “Where did I learn to dim my light?” Heal that inner child wound. Be the one speaking up for him/her/them. Then go forth and shine, just as you were designed to do, because you are made of light.

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Unravel

Healing isn’t found in the past, but in unraveling from it.

Some people give therapists bad raps for “just talking to people about their problems”. And I’m like “whoa, that’s not my job description.” But honestly… it is part of it, for a very good reason: Some people have never had a safe place to talk and experience their emotions, so just letting them talk and feel lets them know they’re okay, they’re safe, and just that can be healing.

And then the unraveling begins.

I‘ll just say a bit on this for now: You’re not who you think you are. (Take that Descartes). You’re identity (unless you’ve already unraveled) is a configuration of all your thoughts and beliefs and emotions experienced (or suppressed) from throughout your life time, but mainly, BEFORE THE AGE OF 8. Which means most of it’s subconscious (just below the surface of your awareness), especially as much of what you learned came from what you saw, what you felt, and the stories you created from it. And unless you were held and loved the majority of time you experienced big emotions, those stories probably aren’t good.

That sounds like a lot, I know. Breathe. (No seriously, breathe. Full belly breaths. It’s one of the best things you can do to heal your nervous system, which is probably out of whack from all those fear/not enough stories you’ve been telling yourself.)

The good news is, you can unravel. You can be free!

And your triggers (whatever sets off a big emotional response, or even depression can be a start) can get you there.

Here’s my basic process:

-Identify the trigger.

-Name the emotion (if possible) and BrEathe with it. This creates some safety.

-See if any past memory “floats” up. (To use EMDR phrasing)

– What was the story little you came up with to make sense of what was happening?
(ie. Dad is never home and doesn’t want to spend time with me. I must be unlovable.)

-Drop the story, and once again just BrEathe with the emotion. What does little you need?

-What’s a new story, one that you’d prefer to believe? (This is where you get to create!)

Last, remember the healing path is non-linear- it’s The Wanderlust Path- and it’s OKAY that it doesn’t come all at once. You’ll probably have to do this many times. But that’s okay, because you’re worth it.

As always, only if it feels good and empowering: https://buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver/unravel

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If You’re on a Non-Linear Path, You’re on the Right Path

The path to healing, growth, and evolution isn’t linear. It’s not something to get frustrated about (but do honor your emotions). These obstacles and road bumps (different from roadblocks and closed doors) are actually signs YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH!

In fact, we know that obstacles and challenges are not only what make us stronger, but bring us closer to our true, most awesome (and authentic), selves.

Accepting this truth, that challenges are signs we’re on the right path, can keep us from getting stuck. It’s when we judge ourselves, “Why am I here again? I thought I healed this!” that we’re resisting the lesson and blocks us from 1) the opportunity to apply what we learned the last time and 2) prevents us from being curious*, “Hmm, why is this happening again?” “Why is this repeating?” “What do I have to learn here?” “How can I love myself more?”

* Curiosity is different from “trying to figure everything out”, which has more of a fear energy. Oh, self-judgement will never get you to healing, either!

This idea, that the path to healing and growth often happens in loops and includes challenges, can be applied to athletes too.

When I work with athletes who get injured, they usually end up working with a PT, commit to correcting poor form, or to consistently performing exercises that target underused muscles. When that athlete comes back, they’re not only physically stronger, but more mentally resilient for having gone through the challenge. There’s a new belief, a new resilience in them that says, “I can move through challenges and not only be okay, but be closer to that highest version of myself.”

A slight reframe: The path to healing and self-evolution is really the journey of transformation. Usually, we metaphorically think of this as​ the process of being a caterpillar to​ becoming a butterfly​*: First, we are a caterpillar. Then, we wrap ourselves inside a cocoon. Third, we become MUSH, obsolete. From the mush, we transform into butterflies. But in order to REALLy be a butterfly, we have to fight our way out of the cocoon. 

​*The caterpillar and butterfly share the same DNA, but the genes are expressed differently. That, in itself, is metaphorical. Article Link

But what I really see for most people is little transformations inside a BIG transformation. Maybe we go through a small transformation in a few months or 1 year period, but then in 7* years, BOOM! We’re this new, amazing being flying high and living our best lives. (In other words, don’t give up. You’re right where you’re meant to be.)

*On AVERAGE, our body’s cells renew every 7 to 10 years. However, some cells are replaced every few days, and others take 70 years. Article Link

…And then there’s probably another evolution, but this time it’s easier because we’ve done it before and this higher version of ourselves knows that THIS IS A SIGN WE’RE ON THE RIGHT PATH.

As always, only if it feels empowering: https://buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver

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You are Your Purpose

Yesterday, as I was doing my normal uphill laps at our local ski resort, a gentleman who I had met and talked to in December stopped me. He said, “I told myself if I saw you again, I would stop you and say thank you for being so kind to me the day we talked.” Even as I type this, I feel happy, meaningful tears well up in my eyes. 

Even though I’m a therapist and a coach, I haven’t always felt like I’m living my purpose in this world, which is really just to be a light so I can mirror others’ own light back to them. I don’t always show up as the highest version of mySelf. And really, I know that’s because there’s so much darkness that still clouds my mind, which I know are just stories and old beliefs. 

And maybe that’s the work I still haven’t done. To truly reframe those old beliefs, let go of the shame, and allow the true me to unravel. Maybe it’s been a subconscious form of self-sabotage, not really believing I could do it or that I was worth the effort of creating a new narrative. 

Yet this man, giving me my gift right back, saw it. Saw the unwounded, unbound version of me. Without using words, he told me “You are your purpose.”

Because really, the more I’ve done my own inner work…the more I’ve BrEathed with my emotions, traced them back to core memories and witnessed the stories my mind created, the more I KNOW that we are all, inherently, enough. Anything else truly is just a story. We are all worthy of divine, unconditional love. 

****

A few notes: 

1). I usually ski on Tuesdays. It’s my favorite day to go because it’s the quietest. But after a client cancelled, I checked in with my intuition (something I’m very much just still practicing with) and I felt like Monday was the optimal choice.

2) That morning, I had done one of my favorite Gabrielle Bernstein exercises, “The Daily Design Method” (below) and I practiced feeling into my answers, envisioning how I wanted to feel in the things I knew I would be doing that day. This exercise, or any meditation focusing on feeling into your future or highest self, can be really powerful, and relates to what I mentioned about shedding the past and reframing old beliefs- or creating new ones altogether. 

-How do I want to feel today?

-Who do I want to be today?

-What do I want to receive today?

-What do I want to give today?

3. I want to be clear on this- therapy often gets a bad wrap for just “talking about problems”. While that can certainly be a component (a lot of people do feel better by just sharing, and it creates a sense of emotional safety), that’s actually a very tiny part of therapy. What it does entail finding compassion for ourselves, often by visiting old memories, the beliefs we created from them, and understanding our development. By unravelling, our true selves can emerge. IFS empathizes Self being revealed, while EMDR focuses on a structured process of past, present, and future, with the last phase being the true integration of how we want to feel and what we want to believe. This can be done in other ways, of course, like using the exercise above and meditations. But if we don’t get through some of the old cobwebs, blocks, or victim mentality (feeling hopeless or unworthy), it’s really hard to convince someone they deserve to feel good, as I believe, was my case (which was super subconscious).


As always, no pressure/only if it feels empowering: buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver

Instagram video: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DHosWSQylYJ/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

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Cloudy Days

On cloudy days, we know the sun is always right behind the clouds. It hasn’t disappeared, we just can’t see it.
The same thing goes for when our minds are clouded by negative thoughts. Our own inner light, as well as the light of Source, is always right there. 

And so, our thoughts are like clouds. It is only the stories we tell ourselves, and allowing them to build up, that block us from seeing the sun. When we see a thought earlier on (you might catch the emotion first, then the thought), we can notice it without attaching too it, and allow it to pass, so the sun is still felt.

This, my love, takes practice. Sometimes, when you’re feeling cloudy, you might just simply have to remember you’re not thinking clearly, and take some deep breaths. 

Your breath acts like the wind…breathe fully into the emotion (just the emotion, dropping the story), and let it begin to move with the exhale. Repeat. 

If there’s no movement, the thought or belief might be stuck. That’s okay. Again, this takes practice. Wait until another time, when you’re feeling some light, to get curious about the belief and its orgin.

Remember, the sun is always shining.

Absolutely no pressure! But if you find my writing valuable and have an extra few bucks, you’re welcome to “buy Pacer a treat”: buymeacoffee.com/raynypaver

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May You Be Free

From the depths of my soul
to the words that leave my
slightly dry and cracked Colorado lips
and to the energy that escapes my fingertips…

From the cages of your mind
and the stories that bind…

May you be free.

Is it time that heals
or each line that you unwind?

May you be free.

The pain is the stain
in the reality you perceive,
not the names you’ve slain,
but the blocks to what you may receive.

May you be free.

“If only, if only” is the futile game of the past,
memories you try to rehash,
never meant to last.

And in our attempts to protect
ourselves from the neglect
we pass fear on as the effect.

Yet it is from the past your soul tries to break free…
Free to allow all that may be.

May you be free.

The shame that you carry is not ingrained
in your name
and it is in vain
that you try to make yourself better when…
When you have always been enough.

Maybe if you just paused you would see.
Then you could let the old version of you leave.

“Let go, let go” of all that you think you know
and surrender to the flow.

May you be free.

You fear losing all you hold dear,
your love is sincere,
but in the grief of death,
is a new breath.

May you be free.

Love lies in the fall.
It is the place where pain is erased
and your soul escapes…
You return to the truth of it all.

May you be free.

God is not a person or place.
God is not a being found in the sky.
God is the energy that flies.
You are God, you body is just the vase.

May you be free.

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Love & Attention

Attention is not Love, but attention IS an important way we show Love.

When parents take time every day to put down their phones, work, and even to-do list to offer their full presence to their child(ren), they’re sending the messages: You matter. I care about you. You’re safe with me. Similarly, in a relationship, when one partner send a text to the other such as “I’m thinking of you” even on a day their busy, or on other days responds back in an appropriate time frame (this is absolutely individual and can vary by daily circumstance, but let’s say 1-3 hours) and makes time for a date or at least a phone call, their saying, “This relationship matters to me.” “I care about you.” This builds safety, which again, may not be Love in and of itself, but it is closely intertwined. 

So let me say it again: Attention is not love, but it is an important way we show Love. Attention says “You matter.” Existentially, attention says, “You exist.” But, because we so often conflate attention for Love, we can mistake negative attention for Love. On one side: At least we are important enough to have someone mad at me, be treated poorly, even abused. On the other hand, even hate can feel like Love, when it’s really just the chemical effect of attention: They hate me, which means I’m important (perhaps not conflating both attention and power with Love).

On an internal framework, this is the basis behind parts work. When we give the shadowed parts (as an example, think of your emotions when you get triggered) of ourselves attention they often ease up. I usually tell my clients that our parts are like little kids inside of us, just asking to be noticed (and treated with curiosity and compassion), and usually they’ll settle. 

Your attention is not power, but it is powerful. Use it with Love. 

* I’ve heard other professionals say attention is a form of Love, and I don’t disagree. I think it’s more of a matter of the subtle difference in how we’re defining the word. If we want to play semantics, I might say that “presence” is a better equivalent to Love. 

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Heart Talk

I lay in bed with a hand on my chest, feeling the almost rhythmic beat of my heart (I’ve had a slight, non-harmful arrhythmia, since my early 20s). I listen to the soft pounding coming from inside of me, a change from the normal external tuning. 

I feel like my heart is trying to speak to me, but it’s coming through in morse code, or perhaps an ancient language that I once understood, but now has long forgotten.

“What are you trying to tell me?”, I ask and plead at the same time. 

My heart just keeps beating. Perhaps a little quicker and louder now, in response to my desperation. 

While my mind believes it always has all the answers, a suspicious part of it believes my heart holds a secret. I suspect that once the secret is revealed, it will put an end to all my mind’s suffering and finally quell its endless thirst to know everything. Or at least, this is a lie my mind tells itself, because it really just wants love and safety, but that sounds too vulnerable, too childlike to admit. 

The paradox is that I know my heart does hold the key, but my demand that it speak in a language I can understand and fix everything I believe is wrong is exactly what closed the pathway between my mind and heart. I suppose we could also call it fear, which I can feel in the gentle constriction of my neck. 

I breathe, realizing I’m in a state of anxiety again. It always sneaks up on me, without my knowing. It’s a learned response to not trust. Not trust in myself, in light, in Love. My anxiety never feels safe. But I’m learning that perhaps, fear is the lie. 

I remind myself to relax. That all is well. I am safe in my bed and hear my dog’s sleepy breathing close to me.

I put down my pen and turn off my lamp. I know my heart will speak when it is ready, when I am quiet enough to hear it.

*** 

The next day as I’m driving, I hear my heart simply say, “I’m right here.”

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