"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ." – The Little Prince
In all the best movies about light and dark, be it Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, or Harry Potter, the protagonist always asks themselves the question: What if I am just like them?
What if I am just like Darth Vader? What if Im just like Lord Voldemort? What if Im just like Sauron?
The wise teacher usually replies with something like: Well, it’s your choice.
Do you want to believe in fear? Or do you want to believe in love? Which is the same thing as saying, do you want to give your energy to the darkness? Or do you want to give your energy to love?
Most of us, at some level, have already made that choice. We’ve chosen to, to the best of our conscious ability, to be good friends, good neighbors, good partners, and good community members. Some of us have taken another step and chosen to be good to the earth and all the animals that inhabit earth. Yet most of us have forgotten to look at how we treat ourselves.
In order to look at that piece, I believe the better question is: What if they, the villains, are just like me?
What if Darth Vader is actually just like me? What if he simply just chose to believe in fear, and in doing so, shut down to love? What if he killed his own innocence before trying kill everyone else’s? Because…he got so scared that he thought he had to dominate the planet in order to feel powerful, because he had actually lost his own true power when he left his innocence and creativity spirit behind?
In the end, we don’t have to fight the darkness. We just have to make a choice. Darkness is just forgetfulness, which invites in fear and we create these crazy stories in our head of not being enough and unworthy of love. When we shine the light of love and truth on darkness, when we choose to love ourselves even when we’ve made a mistake- a choice that wasn’t in alignment with love, darkness can’t survive. Darkness was never real in the first place, just made up. Instead, we can put our own light energy into the belief, the deep knowing, that we are all enough and all deserving of the highest form of love.
The choice is yours: Will you believe in your own light?
If we can still love those who left us, who broke our hearts, who moved away, and who passed on, does that not prove love’s infinite existence?
The greatest act of love I have ever witnessed is watching my parents saying goodbye to their eldest daughter. My older sister had spent a long two years fighting cancer, and when it came to the point where she was clearly closer to Somewhere Else than here on earth as well as looking more peaceful than she had in weeks, they didn’t say, “You’re my daughter. You are supposed to outlive me. You have to keep fighting, because I need you.” (Let me be clear, I do not judge anyone who has said that to a loved one on their “deathbed”.) No. Instead they said. ”We love you. We don’t want you to be in pain. You don’t have to hold on anymore. You can go.” And while my sister did hang out until after my dad’s birthday (I know that was her choice) and I believe my parents, as well as my twin sister and I, releasing our attachment to her physical presence, is why she was able to pass peacefully in her sleep a night later. Letting go was an act of unconditional love.
When she died, all that was left was love.
Personally, my greatest fear (I don’t think I’ve ever admitted this before), is losing my* dog. (Well, her and my twin sister.) To be honest, I’ve never been sure I could survive it. And there is something inherently beautiful and almost innocent** in that, that my greatest fear is in losing unconditional love. Specifically, the embodied presence of unconditional love that has been almost constantly by my side for over a decade now. While I still hold onto the hope of her living to 20 (not unheard of for an Aussie), I can only free both me and her by accepting that in most cases, a dog’s lifetime is significantly shorter than their humans. (Maybe this is because dog’s are already so close to God/Love and as furry angels, are more helpers to humans wanting to evolve.) And, even though Pacer is still happy to have some big adventures with me in the mountains, I also have to admit that she prefers snuggle time and getting doted on by her aunt and uncle even more. I’m so grateful, too, because she already physically thrives beyond other pups. So, when the time comes the most loving thing I can do for Pacer is let her go back Home. Of course, if she is ever sick, I’lI do anything I can to help her heal. But I don’t want her to have to stick around because I need her and I’m lost without her. Because that wouldn’t be love on my part, that would be fear.
*Again, this word “my” is part of the problem…the possession of another being that is also not actually separate from us. **Innocence predates fear. It is love without fear. My feeling comes from more of a child who recently lost her innocence.
Could I…will I…be able to survive that? Love will always survive it.
In truth, I know energy doesn’t die… especially an energy like Pacer’s (this is the first law of energy). I know that part of Pacer’s purpose in coming to earth was to remind me of the love that always surrounds me and that is within me. I’m usually just too blind, too unwilling, to see it. I also absolutely know she will always be with me. I truly believe we’ve always been together in some way. It’s the fear and lie of absence that always gets me. That and the amount of pain I know my body is capable of feeling. Really, I’m not sure how the skin around my 5’4 frame has survived the amount of pain I’ve held on to in the past. Yet I know I can hold more love then I have yet tested, because of all the times I’ve allowed pain to break me open. All I can really do right now is keep seeing the fear and loving it, not away, but anyway… that and snuggling with Pacer.
Love is the only force that can survive death. In death, only love will remain.
*Note: Because we are human, it is essential that we love ourselves when in pain. In doing that, we can also realize that pain is an occurrence that happens when we feel separated (by our minds) from Love.
And this is my new hope for 2024: To love each day, so much, that it hurts.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Love So Much
I love my* dog so much, it hurts. Leaving her for a grocery trip, I feel the pang of absence.
I love some people so much, it hurts. Sometimes, my gratitude for connection comes out in tears.
I have loved some people so much, it hurts, especially when they died or left me.
I have loved the Earth, the mountains, the rivers, the animals, the Sky, the birds, the sun, and the moon so much, it hurts. I don’t ever want to leave.
Rarely have I ever loved myself this much, so much, that it hurts.
Usually, it hurts because I don’t love myself at all.
I wonder what this means, that I can love a dog, another being, the mountains, so much that it hurts, but it also hurts that I can’t love myself the same.
If I loved myself like my dog, it would mean I could be weird and make any wrong, and I would still love me.
If I loved myself like I loved my dad, my sister, my mom, it would mean I didn’t care what I did, I would just want me to be happy.
If I loved myself like my sister who passed, it would mean I would love myself through death.
If I loved myself like the lover who left, it would mean I would love myself, even after breaking my own heart.
If I loved myself like the mountains, the rivers, the sun, the moon, and the stars, it would mean I found both expanse and home, everywhere I go. I would never have to leave.
I would love myself so much it hurts, and turn around and love again, realizing love is limitless, that I have only mistaken pain for love, another for myself, life for death, and see that it is only Love that remains.
*It always feels a little bit wrong to use the word “my” with a dog, like we can own such precious, loving energy. Really, I prefer the Hawaiian phrase “animal kahu”, meaning I am the guardian and protector of these enlightened beings.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Remember
I love Pacer so much I could snuggle with her for hours. Wouldn’t it be great to live life this way, to snuggle with Love for hours?
Yet I rush through both, snuggles and life.
Why?
Have I forgotten all that matters?
Actually, I think that is precisely it.
Remember.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Love as a Phoenix
Have you ever loved someone so much that you would die for them?
I have done this for Pacer.
Not physically, of course.
Instead, I threw my fears, my ego, into the flames. It was a slow, painful death.
She never asked me to do this. In all my destruction and false identities, she would have kept loving me. Even if I hurt her, as I did and almost did… she never took an ounce of love away.
You see, I could not give her the conditional love I offered myself.
I could only love her, unconditional love in physical form, back with unconditional love.
So out went the conditions of my ego- And truly, I almost died.
She still loved me, even when I had no honor to my name.
In fact, I felt shame.
For not being enough. I felt unworthy of love. Still, she loved me all the same.
I tried to figure this out, to sort through all the pain, to find a reason why, why was I still worth loving?
Of course, dogs don’t speak in words. Dogs only speak the language of love and light. I received a snout sighing on my lap, and felt message that said, “My Love, you have always been worth loving, anything else was a lie, I am the only truth.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Expand
Love so much, that it hurts, Let it hurt so much that you break open. And find your freedom.
Understand that you had to break. That fear was just a shell. The love inside your heart was always beyond it too.
(I originally wrote this for my psych-soul counseling Insta page @wanderlustcounseling, but thought it was worth sharing here too.)
Can you love the unlovable?
Can you love the innocent, vulnerable, emotional, and soft part of you that doesn’t want to do hard things, that just wants to feel safe and loved? Can you love your inner child?
Can you love the part of you that oppresses your creativity and joy? Your inner critic, you mean coach, your Judgy McJuderson. Can you love your abuser?
For some of us, it will be harder to love the inner child, because we have deemed her weak. Or rather, the inner abuser has deemed her weak. We’ve learned that it’s better to be strong and tough in a “hard knock life” kind of world. But is it? Or is that the world we created from beliefs and stories of fear handed down to us, that creates comparison, hate, and war. That is the belief of the inner abuser (yes, I am using this word intentionally). The inner abuser lives… feeds off of fear, believing the world is not safe and that he’s gotta look out for himself. She doesnt just protect, she is protected…but not from anything bad, from everything good. That part of us that shames us, that’s literally tried to obliterate the inner child inside of us…he’s just scared. He hides behind his defenses. And yea, she’s done some things he’s not proud of. Can you forgive him? Knowing that he’s only abused, harmed, and killed out of fear? Can you see the scared child underneath the armor? The part of you that just wants to know he’s still loveable. Can you love the unlovable?
I originally wrote this for my cousin after I bought her a ring for Xmas that said “you are enough” and she asked me what it meant. As I was writing it (second half in comments), I felt part of my inner 7th grader healing too, so I thought it was worth sharing. (“Coincidentally, my Mom asked me to go through a box of my old stuff and I found these two pics of me in 7th grade.)
My Love,
You are enough.
No matter what you do, say ,wear, or weigh, you will always be enough.
You are beautiful, magical, perfect, and whole, exactly as you are.
You are always deserving of the highest Love.
When you make a mistake, you are enough.
When you fail, you are enough.
When you shoot your shot and miss, you are enough.
When you get a bad grade, you are enough.
When the boy you like says he doesn’t feel the same, you are enough.
When your parents get mad at you, you are enough.
People will try to tell you what to do, who to be, and what to think. Listen and adhere only to what feels true in your heart.
Be you, because you are enough.
Commercials, billboards, and Instagram advertisements will try to tell you how to look, what to weigh, and what you need for happiness. Don’t listen. Those people in those ads are photoshopped. They miss the beauty in the lines we’ve lived. Be you, because you are enough.
(Btw, the “Koko” side of your family was sold a story that being thin correlated with a woman’s worth. This is a lie. Your worth is not in any way related to any number. All that matters is how you feel inside.)
Your inherent worth can never, ever, be taken away from you. No matter what. You are never bad. Only good.
As spirits living a human life, we just make mistakes (miss the mark) sometimes. What is more important is that we learn, grow, and evolve. And don’t despair if it takes several times to learn the lesson. We’ve all been there.
Not only are you always enough, you are always loved.
Some people will treat you badly. But it is not, it is NEVER, your fault. They don’t see your divinity, and have forgotten theirs. Set a boundary. Love yourself.
At times, people will get mad and yell. It’s not because you are bad. They just don’t know how to process their emotions, and have learned to control others out of fear. Many adults just have wounds that they still need to heal. It is up to them to heal them, not yours. Your job is to be you.
As a 7th grader, you may have already had to untangle who you are at your heart versus who you’ve become to fit in and please others. If you can do that now, it will save you a lot of pain as an adult.
Sometimes being yourself can feel scary, but remember, you are enough. Some may criticize you and call you weird. Don’t worry about them.
Most people who are caged (afraid to be themself) are jealous of those who are free (act from their true self).
By the way, did you know that weird actually means “one who walks the path of fate”? Walk the path of your destiny, my love.
Your voice deserves to be heard. Your emotions deserve to be felt and soothed. You deserve to be seen. It all matters, because you matter.
You, my Love, are enough, exactly as you are.
The things we think matter- grades, athletic skills, looks- don’t actually matter.
What matters is how you feel. What matters is how you make others feel. What matters is being kind. What matters is that you know how to give love and receive love.
What matters is you being you, because, my Love, you are enough.
These are the words we see sprinkled throughout department stores, decorations, and greeting cards each holiday season.
Yet how often do we pause and reflect what they mean? Or, more importantly, the feeling that these words embody?
Most of us have realized and accepted that the feelings masked behind these words cannot be found in material things. Actually, I would say that the millennial and younger generations have rejected the notion altogether. Unfortunately, I think most would also find it hard to believe that these feelings can be found ever present inside of ourselves, underneath our anxiety and depression. But the truth is…Peace, love, joy, and magic are the ingredients that make up the light of our souls.
Why? Why is it so hard to tap into this natural state of being?
Well, at one level, many of us were taught to seek for answers, wisdom, validation, love… salvation, from sources outside of ourselves. Thank you religion, material culture, societal structures, and fear/anger-based parenting.
For some reason, the line “kingdom of Heaven” kept coming into my head while writing this. I think it’s because my Catholic upbringing clearly taught me that God was outside of myself, God and Jesus were male, and while on earth, I should look to priests for both answers and forgiveness, and then my parents*. But the phrase, “kingdom of Heaven” pretty clearly seems to state otherwise both in my mind, my own practice, and even in religious texts. While various verses in the bible are partially up for translation (or rather, they have been translated in a way that the “editors” saw fit), Luke was pretty clear (17:21) when Jesus said, “The kingdom of God does not come with observation; nor will they say, ‘See here!’ or ‘See there!’ For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you” (NKJV) BOOM. Of course, I love The Gospel of Mary (Magdalen), which includes the passage:
“When the Blessed One said these things, he greeted them all and said, “Peace be with you! Acquire my peace. Be careful not to let anyone mislead you by saying, ‘Look over here!’ or ‘Look over there!’ Because the Son of Humanity exists within you. Follow him! Those who seek him will find him.
“Go then and preach the gospel about the kingdom. Don’t lay down any rules beyond what I’ve given you, nor make a law like the lawgiver, lest you be bound by it.”
*How cool would it be if more parents asked their kids not only what they think about various topics, but questions like “What is your heart telling you?”, “What is your body trying to communicate to you?”, and “What does your intuition say?”.
Another translation comes from the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche who said, “The “kingdom of Heaven” is a condition of the heart- not something that comes ‘upon the earth’ or ‘after death'”.
Yet these verses are not widespread because, well, it sure would be hard to control and make money off of people who didn’t live off of fear but instead knew they were different rays of God/ Consciousness/ Source/Love, etc.
Still, you could just say that I am picking the passages and quotes I want to to prove my point, so let’s go to part two.
If we go off this theory, that in the heart resides the kingdom of Heaven, that we can always access it when we are aligned with joy, peace, and love, what blocks us from accessing it?
The short answer: The ego-mind.
From a psychological perspective, we know that neural pathways tell the story of our belief systems and thoughts. Remember “neurons that fire together, wire together.” These pathways are created and strengthened throughout childhood and teenage years. Developmental theories, like Erik Erikson’s Stages of Development, or Bowlby’s and Ainsworth’s Attachment Theory, give us even more tangible guidelines on how the ego is developed. For example, according to Erikson, between 18 months and three years, toddlers learn autonomy and/or shame, based on their situation and nurturance. It’s really all about the story the child tells themself about what happened and the feelings they experienced (and did or did not process), which continues through life until that belief is challenged. And remember, a child will prefer to live in a world where s/he is bad rather than ever believe that their parents, or god, is bad, for their view is ego-centric (children can only explain things from a personal standpoint) and they rely on their parents/caregivers for survival.
Then we get to question, what lies under these developed belief systems? What is left when we prune back the neural pathways? What happens when the mind quiets?
It’s not a blank slate. We know that from both observing and studying the brain scans of well-trained meditators. Those blissed out monks. The smiling, curious babies (who are also super sensory and not yet trained in emotional regulation…they just let it all flow out no matter the who or how.).
My best guess as to what is left when we quiet the mind and remember to look inwards?
It’s a return to the heart and hearing the heart’s guidance. It’s a return to our soul and the peace, love, joy, and magic that makes up our Light.
***
I’m going to write more in depth on this topic in my next blog, but for now, a great practice is to (individually at first) imagine what peace, love, and joy feels like inside your body. It may be helpful to bring up a memory that helps you tap into the feeling or imagined scene. Then, just take a few breaths, a few minutes, to bask in the feeling. If you can’t get there all the way, that’s okay. Even if you “pretend” the feeling is there, that is great too! The imagination is an amazing, amazing tool for creating.
I started forming my shell long ago. A protection against the world. My defense against a false love named fear.
It started pre-memory, I’m sure. Yet innocense left room for possibility. A possibility that turned into defeat. There was no space for my tears.
In high school, on my dresser, I hung up a poem, about a mask.
The mask I wore, but no one could see. They had mistaken it for me.
Eventually, I believed it too. I got lost in the identity of my mask, and left myself behind.
Still, she called to me. The little girl without a voice. But I had forgotten how to listen, my heart, boxed up and tucked away.
My shell turned into armor, and I became untouchable. Disconnected from myself, and all of you, too. No hug could pass through.
I wonder, If someone knew… If someone like me… Would have seen… Would have loved.. Would have said “you’re okay”… “You are meant to be here”… “You are meant to be a light in the dark.”
I wonder, What life would be like, if I had had me. To love me. To instruct me. To give myself a voice.
Yet I know I am exactly where I am meant to be, and the opportunity still exist. To love myself back to the beginning. In the armor and beyond the shell. In the pain and through the fear. To find myself again, and be exactly who I am, innocent, wise, and whole.
******
The two poems on masks have been taped on that dresser for 20 years. TWENTY years! But even before that, I tried to simultaneously mask up and numb out…below is my 7th grade basketball picture, not long before I ended up at Rainbow Babies & Children’s hospital to be treated for anorexia, just before Christmas. Did my smile hide the fading body that didn’t know how to be in this world? It was recently brought to my attention through a podcast, reading, and experience, that empaths and highly sensitive people tend to protect themselves more with their masks than others who are not so sensitive, as it is a survival skill to live in an insensitive world. The painful part is that deep down, they know its a mask…
Reparenting comes in loving each wounded part. For me, because I have worn masks for so long, it took years and years and lots of, unconsciously, re-identifying with my masks, making the journey of letting go quite painful at times. It’s also a re-training. I’ve always felt either armored or weak in my sensitivities but have discovered the strengths of feeling so deeply. I have come to understand that if I tap into the energy inside myself and allow it to be expressed outward, I can both keep other’s energies out and help others feel there emotions while allowing them to de-mask. (Link to part 1 of my 2-part Sensitivities as Superpowers series: https://www.instagram.com/p/C0w0H6RPgd5/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MjJkMmIyYzQxYw==.)
While I can’t physically go back in time and give my younger self “me” to love her, I can mentally and emotionally go back in time while also using my imagination to insert myself in challenging memories. I can still give her/me, what I needed, thereby healing old wounds. In healing, I no longer have to live from a wounded place, but from a place of wholeness.
The hardest truth I have come to terms with in relationships is that all the problems I experience in relationships were and are created by me. Period. Hi, Me.
My ego HATES this truth.
Honestly, if I let it, my ego would never, ever admit this. My ego would have me continue on as normal, always pushing love away.
While this can be true in many of my relationships, be it friendship or family, this is especially true in romantic relationships.
My ego loves to hold moral superiority. Like really, really loves it. It feeds off of it. My ego wants to be right and wants to blame. My ego loves to tell partners that they need to be stronger in their masculine energies (think steady and stable) so that they can create a safe space for me when I’m feeling hurt and emotional. *I’m sure you can imagine how it goes when I tell a man that they have wounded/disempowered masculine energy. And, even if I’m right, what really needs to be looked at is how my own masculine energy has either been toxic/controlling or disempowered, meaning I went from controlling my emotions to not being able to hold my emotions in a safe container for myself when feeling big emotions. **I should clarify that we all have masculine and feminine energies, which I won’t go into detail about here, but they go much further beyond what we associate with male and female.
When the guy I’m crushing on all of a sudden heads to another country or into the mountains and out of cell service for three days without telling me (his last message, a question), I want to be mad. My ego tells me that he is rude and disrespectful…that he doesn’t actually care about me. That I should protect myself from him. (The thought of other women agreeing with me here makes my ego happy, too.)
When my next partner texts me “live and let live” after I provide what I think is valuable information, my ego tells me that he would have taken the information seriously if it came from a man. My feminine wound of not being taken seriously is triggered. I shut down, thinking that he should be the one to reach out, hold space, and try to understand ME.
I deny myself the connection that I really want.
The truth is, I made these situations about me. And I pushed love* away. *Whenever I say “love”, I’m usually referring to unconditional love rather than our normal, conditional and fear-based love.
If I felt secure in myself, these wouldn’t have been problems. Problems that I made into bigger problems by reacting rather than responding from a calm, centered place. If I felt secure in myself, I would have led with love rather than fear.
Because honestly… I knew that in the first example, he was innocent. While my ego likes to believe most people in conversation would let the other person know that they’re about to leave the land of technology, I knew the guy had acted from a place of child-like innocence. In fact, one of the qualities I found endearing about him was his periodic aloofness. Yet the emotional pain of separation triggered* old stories in my mind: 1) that I wasn’t cared about and 2) as a strong, independent women, it shouldn’t bother me (I think this guy mentioned that his previous partner didn’t care- again, he said this innocently-which sent me into more self-judgment). This caused my protection mechanisms** to go up: a little bit of fight before freeze. *The difference between a trigger and an appropriate emotional response is that a trigger elicits an emotion that is out of proportion to the situation. **If you’re tracking for your own healing journey: emotions, thoughts (story we tell ourselves about the emotion), and protection/defense mechanism
My ego loves to protect me against love, because it fears it.
This is because the (unhealthy) ego was created by fear. Fear is love’s opposite. Love is the only thing that can make fear disappear. We believe that we need fear to survive. This is why we- consciously or unconsciously- fear love.
For me, this fear started early on in life. Part of it was the whole weird Catholic thing on fearing God (literally, fearing Love), but a large imprint was left on me in my parents divorce. I’ve written about this before, but anyone who knows my parents knows that they are not a match and simply a product of getting married too soon because of societal and religious conditioning (and thankfully, because I am here). The problem wasn’t the divorce, the problem was that no one helped me, a highly sensitive kid, understand what was happening. No one helped me process my emotions (which is why I got really good at numbing through food, exercise, and starvation in adolescence). When my dad told me he and my mom were getting a divorce, I literally remember imagining me and my sisters floating away in boxes in the ocean, without land in sight (I was 7 or 8, to be clear). Later, still playing barbies (before denouncing anything girly or “soft” because it wasn’t useful or respected where I grew up), I remember thinking “Love isn’t real. If it was, how could it just go away?” My dad nearly died of a broken heart (heart attack) shortly after the news of the divorce. (How I took on his heart break is a story for another day.) It wasn’t until my older sister’s funeral, when my mom turned to my dad and said “Oh Bob, I didn’t think it would ever come this” that I realized how much love was still between them.
Mostly unconsciously, I warded it off like we warded off and protected ourselves from Covid in the spring of 2020, wearing a hazmat suit against connection.
This all made it easy for me to confuse fear for love.
A great question you (the reader) might have for me is, “What about the abusers, the narcissists, the immature jerks? Aren’t they the problem?” I’ve been in one of those relationships. I’ve been with the narcissist that came home drunk and used my emotions against me (he would have never have touched me- that would have ruined his game).
And here’s another hard truth… if I loved myself, I wouldn’t have ignored the red flags. I would have had the confidence to leave. Actually, I would have taken the opportunity to leave in the first year, rather than allowing the relationship to carry on for another 2 and half. I would have told my new landlords that I changed my mind… I had been scared when we signed the lease to the apartment in Estes Park and didn’t want to say anything (he had yelled at me the day before and I had spent the first half of the night driving up the canyon with Pacer, searching for shooting stars), but I didn’t want him moving in with me. I wouldn’t have rationalized reasons to stay…that even though I didn’t want to be in the relationship, the rest of my life was good, so it was okay. Who needed romance anyway? Even though we had nowhere to go, I would have left…trusting the universe and loved ones would provide me with everything I needed. Yet I kept my emotions secret. I stayed.
And that was my choice*, unconscious as it may have been, like an addict choosing to have another drink, not being able to see that there is another way. *When we identify with our thoughts and pain, we actually lack the true ability to choose between our minds and our hearts.
Here, I think it is important to clarify… the problem isn’t Us. It wasn’t Me. It was mE. The problem was my lower self, my ego*, the part of me that runs off of fear and fear-based identities. Yet I didn’t know any of this until I admitted that I wasn’t happy and could see, at least a tiny bit, that I kept creating out of fear rather than love. All three of the aforementioned guys were my mirrors, helping me see clearly. They led me to choosing the extremely uncomfortable experience and painful process of healing. *While I won’t go as far as to say “ego is the enemy” as Ryan Holiday does (and titled one of his books), I will say the ego is to be learned from, not to live from.
More truths:
–I cannot unconditionally love a partner if I am expecting him to meet a need for me. I can ask him for help, but ultimately, I need to be the parent to my inner child, my higher self to my human self.
–When I withhold love from someone else, I am withholding love for myself. Literally, I am stopping the natural flow of love.
In my last relationship, I finally chose to listen to what my boyfriend was telling me and look within… to admit to myself that my mind was causing the problem. (It was helpful that he had read “The Power of Now” and directly told me “Your thoughts are sabotaging you.”) When he told me, as I had heard from both Obi-wan and the previous guy, “it always feels like you’re half in, half out”, I listened… after using all of my conscious power not to shout “that’s not true!”. I finally looked at the reflection he was offering me: I often protected myself by threatening the relationship, saying things like “maybe this just isn’t going to work”, “I don’t fit in with your friends”, and “I’m just going through too much right now.” He was right. (I can still feel my ego protesting against this fact, yet I’ve at least managed to take the microphone away…and it’s control). The funny thing is, that when I said those things, I was really hoping for my partners to tell me that I was wrong and offer reassurance. I was pushing them away and yet still expecting them to fight.
In the end, in the unconsciousness of my words and actions, I was proving my ego right… no one really loved me. Love doesn’t exist. I’m not enough.
You may have caught it.
Yes, I did write “in my last relationship”.
Because that one ended. (I actually wrote the first half of this blog weeks ago and then couldn’t finish it…which, I now realize, happens every time the story or my lesson is not finished.)
And, after a few more nights of panic attacks after the initial hurt of the situation that had occurred, it was the most peaceful and calm I have felt after any break-up. I’m of course still a little sad, because this guy was sweet and had a big heart, plus, was looking forward to a few cycling adventures we had talked about. But I wasn’t in pain.
What I realized after this experience is that while it is ultimately up to me to identify the trigger, comfort myself in the pain, and heal the wound (this can be done in a conscious partnership too), I still get to speak my needs and feelings. I still get to let the other person know when I am hurt, what my boundaries are, and expect a safe place to share my emotions. An un-triggered but honest sentence might look like: “I know you care about me and I know you weren’t purposely trying to hurt me, but this situation/or action did make me feel sad. I’m wondering if we can talk about it?” And, if a partner can’t provide a safe place for me to share my feelings, I’m not going to blame them. My best friend and sister both allowed me to be on the other end of this in recent months. It’s not easy (extremely uncomfortable) to acknowledge when we have caused another pain, because most of us will fall back on our own “not good enough” wounding, another lie. We really are all just doing our best.
Holding all of that knowledge: that we are primarily responsible for healing our own wounds, that we get to speak our truth, and that everyone is doing their best, which may or may not mean change… then we can make a choice on if we want to continue the relationship or not. Or…
We can wait and see. Because my last partner was not abusive or even mean in any way, I was taking some advice from a spiritual teacher I admired (I don’t always recommend this) to “allow it to be choiceless”, rather than make a decision I wasn’t sure about. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t reacting from my own wounding and I had learned all that this partner was meant to teach (his last name is pronounced “Kenobe”*, yes, like in Star Wars…so he had to be a great teacher for me.) *Just to confuse you…Obi-wan and Kenobe are TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. Young Kenobe was my teacher in one way, wise Obi-wan is my energy and mind-control teacher. Which, if you think about it, is really a crazy synchronicity.
So I waited a few days before sending him a calm and kind text message, wanting to connect. He replied honestly, “I’m burnt out from hurting you.” It was fair.
I knew he was, in part, clinging on to my past behaviors rather than seeing the growth that I had made. Yet, as I’ve stated before, this is how we unconsciously protect ourselves. I get it. So, I chose not to fight or argue back, to “make him see clearly” that this wasn’t about him doing anything wrong, that I just wanted a chance to express myself and reconnect. Instead, I chose to let go. (Okay, okay…my ego did creep up a BIT here and I decided “I can’t let him break up with ME”…so I may have said something like “I see where this is going. I’m okay with being friends.”) I also finally felt that I was ready (rather than just want) to be with someone willing to grow and lean in with me.
This too, letting go, was huge for me. I didn’t shame myself for doing anything wrong. I forgave myself.
With the previous guy, I had anxiously attacked myself in the belief that it was “my fault” for things not working out, that, after wanting to blame him, it was ultimately because I was either not enough or too much that things didn’t work out with this amazing man.
Several truths exist here: He was/is amazing. I was doing the best I could (as was he). I could forgive myself for unconsciously working off of old wounds…and really, there was nothing to forgive: I was a hurt child and, ultimately, the “crack” he made to my shell led to my healing. And finally, I truly believe that anything, or anyone, meant for me will come to me at the right time, especially when I am patient and open to it. (Patience is the ultimate form of trust.)
Until then, I get to continue working on an even deeper and loving connection with myself…and enjoy all the snuggle time with Pacer.
(If you’re wanting to heal your relationship patterns too, hopefully I offered a little bit of a guide. It’s also extremely helpful to be working with a therapist, or at least talk to an honest friend. On at least two occasions, I walked into Obi-wan’s office and said “Tell me what I’m not seeing.” Between having worked through a disempowered masculine wound himself (a common thread here being he and some of my previous partners had authoritative moms) and being able to track my energy and emotions, he could help me see my situation clearly from a bird’s eye perspective in a way that was loving and kind, yet still allowing me to see my role in the situation.)
I never thought I would be “smart enough” to understand the matrix, cyclical time, or quantum physics…yet here I am:
We can’t change the past. The past was a moment in time of material creation that our soul called in for us to experience, either to heal or for joy. Since then, the material, or matter, has changed. Plus, if we physically changed the past, we wouldn’t be existing in the same way we are now, nor do we understand how intricately our lives our connected with others. Personally, I like that I get to write to you right now and express my thoughts in this way… I’m grateful to each person who led me to this moment. So no, as much as we wish we had a time machine to go change what our ego minds would like to call “mistakes”, we can’t (and really, mistakes are just redirections). Where the past does exist is in our minds and it is in our minds that we have the choice and the power to shift how see (perspective) and feel about the past…this may seem miniscule, but this is huge!
Personally, I like to throw love at any pain. It’s easy to do with friends who are in pain, so my suggestion is to step out of the past memory and see it from an outside angle (or lens of spirit). If you were scared, angry, or in pain, can you now see yourself with love? Or, you can imagine inserting your higher self (or inner parent) in the memory, holding yourself through the challenging time?
Now here’s the really cool part…when we insert love into a painful memory, not only do we see it differently…but we see it clearly. (Fear often presents as a veil of illusion that obscures clarity). You might see why the event had to occur as it did, or you might see the lesson you can now apply in the present…and, if the memory was about a decision you felt torn about and feared you made the wrong one, you might actually see how you made the right one!
In summary, by using our presence in the present moment, we can send loving energy back into the past and heal old wounds, thereby affecting the outcome of the future.
Love, my friends and followers, is an extremely powerful force.
(Sometimes I wonder where I’d be now or what level of awareness I would have expanded to if someone like me- an empath with heightened sensitivity for energy, big emotions, and deep thinking- would have been if I would have been given instruction on how to fine tune my gifts rather that expected to fit the assembly line of “memorize this, just believe the book” mold. Within that, I can appreciate and understand how each experience in my life has led me to where I am now, exactly where I’m meant to be.)
Trees will talk…trees want to talk and share their ancient wisdom… to those who are willing to listen.
There is this quote by Jesus that appears several times in the gnostic text, The Gospel of Mary that goes: “Anyone with two ears capable of hearing should listen.” If I may be so bold, I can’t help but wonder if line was slightly misinterpreted, or misunderstood by the reader (me)*. My interpretation is “Anyone with a heart has the ability to hear the truth.”
If you want to speak to trees, plants, or animals, you have to know how to speak and understand the language of the heart. The heart speaks and listens through sensations, felt-senses, love, contraction and expansion. The messages are only subtle because our minds are so full of chatter. Yet the language of the heart is the only one we were born with…all other languages we were constructed and taught. Some languages bloomed from the heart, and some were created as distractions from it.
How do we get back to our native heart language? Obviously, we must learn how to detach from our mind and meditation is a practice great for this. Another practice that you can apply, perhaps at a holiday meal, that was taught to me by Obi-wan (my teacher), is to track the energy of a conversation over the words. Is your uncle talking from a place of love or fear? If he is speaking from fear, can you find compassion and empathy?…because my guess is you’ve been there too. And if the energy is too negative, can you give yourself the grace to walk away and go sit by a tree? Close your eyes, breathe into your heart, and listen to the heart teachings of the Tree.
***
I think a lot of people are familiar with Simard’s Ted Talk, but if not, I highly recommend it to learn how tree’s literally talk to eachother (I’d compare this to spoken language): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=breDQqrkikM
However, what I’m even more fascinated with now on my journey is the electromagnetic wavelengths and energies of Nature and our brains: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zJRdQGlZzI (I’m also a big Lisa Miller fan)
*There are actually a few passages in The Gospel of Mary that I would have misunderstood without translation and understanding of what was meant. For example, when “the mind” is talked about, Jesus nor Mary are talking about the ego mind, but the Higher Mind. I found @megganwatterson‘s book Mary Magdalene Revealed extremely helpful for this.
**The pictured Cottonwood is nearly 120 years wise.
A Dog and Her Girl 