Tag: poetry

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Howl

I’m not sure how many more times Pacer and I will get to hike this section, one of our favorites, on the Colorado Trail/Collegiate West…

The first time we hiked the Alpine Tunnel was with Sandi and Sage 10 years ago, just after we moved to Colorado. Then, 2 months later, we hiked through it again as we backpacked our way across the state. This year, we’ve been lucky enough to visit various parts of this trail 4 times, twice with Sandi and Sage (the best!). This time, I was just so grateful to have it all to ourselves, with Pacer getting to frolic and sniff freely while I watched, cried, and howled.



Crying and howling (howling feeling much more primal and alive in me than simply screaming) have almost become a staple of mine this year, bringing some relief to my grief and fear, while shadow/protector parts roared inside my head, parts that may have stayed more hidden in the dark if I didn’t have such intense love for a dog pouring through my veins. And as painful as these parts are, they needed to come to the light so I could see them.

As just a friend dreamed (visioned), Pacer is guiding me through and bringing me home, as I swirl through the darkness and play with various healing modalities, some that I never thought I would. I’ve gathered more humans on my team, and was almost overwhelmed as two of mentors, with tears in their eyes, told me how proud of me they were this week…not for doing well in sports or getting straight As, but for simply being me. Intuitive, sensitive, and weird.* It’s all be quite an adventure, really. 

And, while my mind wants to tell me how I messed things up or tell me where I should have been more perfect, underneath that, my heart is telling me it’s all been beautiful, too. It’s conscious, minute by minute choice, to drop allegiance to my mind and pledge allegiance to heart. Eventually, perhaps, my mind will become a faithful servant. Or perhaps it will be a continual process of observation- acknowledging the thought and accepting it without condition, while choosing my own way. Allowing my heart chakra to expand- holing the love, pain, and grief- the beauty of it all. Eventually knowing, even if only on my deathbed, it will all be alchemized back to its original source. 



Sometimes love doesn’t move mountains in the way we think it will. Sometimes it comes first as a roaring river, crushing us and bringing us to our knees. It cleanses us of our fear and false beliefs before rebuilding us, giving us a new foundation to stand on and an opportunity to become whole. We are gifted with a new chance to deepen our roots in the love that created us and the truth of who we are. We rise upward, connected and grounded, in a love that sets us free. 




beautypain #wanderlust #dogsofinstagram #spirituality #healing

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Heart Talk

I lay in bed with a hand on my chest, feeling the almost rhythmic beat of my heart (I’ve had a slight, non-harmful arrhythmia, since my early 20s). I listen to the soft pounding coming from inside of me, a change from the normal external tuning. 

I feel like my heart is trying to speak to me, but it’s coming through in morse code, or perhaps an ancient language that I once understood, but now has long forgotten.

“What are you trying to tell me?”, I ask and plead at the same time. 

My heart just keeps beating. Perhaps a little quicker and louder now, in response to my desperation. 

While my mind believes it always has all the answers, a suspicious part of it believes my heart holds a secret. I suspect that once the secret is revealed, it will put an end to all my mind’s suffering and finally quell its endless thirst to know everything. Or at least, this is a lie my mind tells itself, because it really just wants love and safety, but that sounds too vulnerable, too childlike to admit. 

The paradox is that I know my heart does hold the key, but my demand that it speak in a language I can understand and fix everything I believe is wrong is exactly what closed the pathway between my mind and heart. I suppose we could also call it fear, which I can feel in the gentle constriction of my neck. 

I breathe, realizing I’m in a state of anxiety again. It always sneaks up on me, without my knowing. It’s a learned response to not trust. Not trust in myself, in light, in Love. My anxiety never feels safe. But I’m learning that perhaps, fear is the lie. 

I remind myself to relax. That all is well. I am safe in my bed and hear my dog’s sleepy breathing close to me.

I put down my pen and turn off my lamp. I know my heart will speak when it is ready, when I am quiet enough to hear it.

*** 

The next day as I’m driving, I hear my heart simply say, “I’m right here.”

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Brave

I am the most brave when standing still.
When I am writing reflections through tears under the fire of a lamp,
or feeling the feels and weeping into my dog’s fur.
I am the most brave when I ask for connection.
When I share my feelings with a lover,
knowing at any moment he could walk away.
I am the most brave when I walk into my therapists office,
making sure no secret is left hidden, no emotion left unfelt.
I am the most brave when I shine my light within.
When I witness my wounds
and kneel before my heart.

****

Like Pacer, you can be brave and still be scared of thunderstorms. You can hide under the covers and paw your Mom for comfort.

Why?

Because bravery has little to do with external actions and everything to do with one’s ability to go within. To shine a light on the fear that drives them.

I could ski down a double black and still be a coward for giving into to my need to impress for the fear of not being enough.

Or, I could be brave and ride my mountain bike slowly down a green, even though I know my riding partner thinks I’m slow and scared.

Maybe I will give a speech to a room full of strangers, because my heart wants a microphone even though my conditioning tells me its safer to stay quiet.

Brave is the step I take- or don’t take- when following my heart.

Fear can be considered physical survival, but many psychotherapists now call that instinct.

What most of us think of as overcoming our fears is actually an ego-survival mechanism. If I do this, I am great. If I achieve this, I am successful. If I don’t do this, I am keeping my small-self identity in place.*

*This is very much a “know thyself” topic. Type A’s and Type C’s tend to be does and could find value in stillness. Type B’s can obviously find great value from going within, but may also need to take an actionable step.

Plus, as Dr. Ellen Langer writes in her book The Mindful Body we don’t often account for risk assessment when we label someone as brave. My bike riding friend, to me, appears to be fearless. And maybe he does care less about crashing then I do. But really, he’s a much more skilled rider, and what I often see as huge risk is a small obstacle to him.

As I’ve studied bravery over the past year, I think I’ve finally started to understand what it means to be safe, to be fearless. In a human body, there is always risk. Risk of being physically wounded, and the perhaps worse risk of being emotionally hurt. But it is the parts of ourselves that have learned to protect our human vulnerability that carries the fear.

We will all die.

But Love will always be there.

And if we can do, or not do, and know that we will and are still love, we will always find safety within the shelters of our mortality.

My confirmation name is “Joan”, after Joan of Arc. At 13, I picked this saint because I saw her as tough, and Sebastian (the Parton Saint of Sports), was either not allowed or I didn’t like the name enough (I don’t remember). But 20+ years later, I believe her. Joan wasn’t being tough when she stated “I am not afraid. I was born to do this.” She was being brave. She knew who she wasn’t and who she was. She was brave in the face of both physical and ego death.

Brave is the step you take when following your heart,
The only truly brave act is being completely oneself in a word of people who have forgotten who they truly are. 

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Visions

To be honest, I don’t really get visions, and I am historically, frustratingly, terrible at envisioning anything I can not see (which I will perhaps call a limiting thought). Any time Obi-Wan leads me through a guided Reiki meditation, I’m with him through the field and down the path until he says something like “then follow the light”…
… Which, I guess, is supposed to take me somewhere, but all I see is black. 

*I wonder if this is because, as Dr. Joe Dispenza would say, I have an (overly) analytical mind that can often keep me stuck in past cycles that were developed between the ages of 6-9 (which is a period where there was a lot going on in my life).

I rarely have dreams, but my previous landlord has dreamed for me, about Pacer finding me and bringing me Home. A few months later, I dreamed about Pacer, Love, too, reminding me She is always with me. And I think my older sister may have left me a prophecy hidden in a poem she wrote. Once in a while, I get a felt-sense from a loved one or someone else’s loved one that has passed on. It doesn’t come in words but a drop in my awareness. Sometimes I can manage to write it or say it out loud but I’ll doubt the message as soon as the words leave my lips. What I am a little better at is channeled, or automatic writing. Despite the noise in my head being so loud, I can usually eek out  a few sentences, sometimes a few paragraphs, from Something beyond me. How do I know? I will be the first to tell you I don’t, because doubting myself is a religious habit. Yet often the messages are of love and answer questions that I have been stuck on, which are absolutely not the voices in my head. 

In this written format, I was gifted with a vision that I could almost visualize. It was of me, walking through a tunnel of darkness, while my angels and guides held up shields to protect the dark from touching me as I walked through. It was suggested that I don’t reach out to touch the darkness, not because it could hurt me, but because it could distract me. For once I felt confident I would make it through. 

Later in the week, I found myself on a snowy trail lined with Evergreens. While hiking, I periodically let out a sob or two, in both fear and grief that I wouldn’t make out of the darkness of my mind, that my thoughts would always haunt me. Then the vision came back to me, and I could almost see it. I could “hear” my older sister say “I’m right here with you Ray-Ray.” This time, too, the trees were clearing the air while my angels and loved ones cheered me on as I kept walking, again certain I would make it through. Sunshine (Pacer), of course, was leading the way. 

It was also during this hike that the poem below started to come to me. The first version is a bit more personal, although I’m assuming a few other healers/empaths could relate. The second version feels universal. 

*****

The Way (Personal Version)

My Love,
Everyone is rooting for you. 
Through the darkness,
the angels are calling your name.
The trees are clearing the path,
while Loved ones are walking you Home,
and Sunshine guides the way.

My Love,
You cannot fail!
For this day has been scripted in the stars
since the day that you were born.
This is a fated day!
It has always been known,
not that Love would conquer,
but Love’s rule would return to all.
One more step, one more choice.
My Love, you are not alone. 

We’re sorry it felt so hard, so heavy.
Yet we can see you remembering now.
You came here to understand,
So you could be a flame to other’s pain. 

It’s happening, my Love.
Your rise above the darkness.
We are ALL cheering you on! 

One more breath,
One more turn away from fear,
and toward your loving heart.
Instead of hearing darkness,
all you will see is Light.
You will remember, my Love,
You are already Home.  

******

The Way (Public Version)

My Love,
Everyone is rooting for you. 
Through the darkness,
the angels are calling your name.
The trees are clearing the path,
while Loved ones are walking you Home
and Sunshine guides the way.

My Love,
You cannot fail!
For this day has been scripted in the stars
since the day that you were born.
This is a fated day!
In this moment, 
the choice is yours.
Choose love or choose fear.
Believe in your inherent Goodness,
or in the separation that blinds.  
Meet your Destiny now,
or wait.
Either way, 
it is all the same,
for you will see,
you are already Home.
And we are all here,
ready to celebrate your remembrance. 

My Love,
We are all cheering you on. 


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Joy: Our Connection to Spirit

Joy is our connection to Spirit.

This doesn’t mean we will all start hearing the voices of our angels or guides*, because when we’re in joy, we don’t need to. There aren’t any problems to ask about or find our way out of. We’re simply matching the vibration of higher realms, and that’s enough. It is the energy that speaks. 

*Some of us may, but more likely, you’ll feel closer to deceased loved ones. 

The days I get to spend out in nature, moving my body, with Pacer and family are the joy triple whammies for me. My worries go away. I truly feel like I have everything I need. Nothing more could make me happier. I both feel loved and I feel great love for others, be it humans, animals, or trees. Joy is the magic that brings me to that place…the place inside myself where I am fulfilled and at peace. 

It doesn’t make me ignorant or blind to the pain of the world (I am an empath, afterall), but I can see it without my energy getting drawn in, or rather, down. Which ultimately, is a much better space to think and create from. 

And in my heart, I know everything is going to be alright. That I am alright. That we are alright. 

Joy comes from our inner being. It’s when the heart feels expanded and the mind quiets. It grows in play, connection, creative endeavors, and exploration. (If you’re like me and have an “inner Josh, or “inner gaslighter”, do be a little careful of doing things that you feel “should” bring you joy). There’s definitely no fear involved in joy. Joy and love aren’t exactly the same, but doing things that bring forth your joy definitely leads you to love. 

So, if we “do” anything, we “should do” what brings us joy. In a world still partially cloaked in darkness and in dire need of more light, it is of the utmost importance, to our inner selves and the lives of everyone on this planet.

#joy

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The Choice

In all the best movies about light and dark, be it Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, or Harry Potter, the protagonist always asks themselves the question: What if I am just like them?

What if I am just like Darth Vader? What if Im just like Lord Voldemort? What if Im just like Sauron?

The wise teacher usually replies with something like: Well, it’s your choice.

Do you want to believe in fear? Or do you want to believe in love?
Which is the same thing as saying, do you want to give your energy to the darkness?
Or do you want to give your energy to love?

Most of us, at some level, have already made that choice. We’ve chosen to, to the best of our conscious ability, to be good friends, good neighbors, good partners, and good community members. Some of us have taken another step and chosen to be good to the earth and all the animals that inhabit earth. Yet most of us have forgotten to look at how we treat ourselves.

In order to look at that piece, I believe the better question is: What if they, the villains, are just like me?

What if Darth Vader is actually just like me? What if he simply just chose to believe in fear, and in doing so, shut down to love? What if he killed his own innocence before trying kill everyone else’s? Because…he got so scared that he thought he had to dominate the planet in order to feel powerful, because he had actually lost his own true power when he left his innocence and creativity spirit behind?

In the end, we don’t have to fight the darkness. We just have to make a choice. Darkness is just forgetfulness, which invites in fear and we create these crazy stories in our head of not being enough and unworthy of love. When we shine the light of love and truth on darkness, when we choose to love ourselves even when we’ve made a mistake- a choice that wasn’t in alignment with love, darkness can’t survive. Darkness was never real in the first place, just made up. Instead, we can put our own light energy into the belief, the deep knowing, that we are all enough and all deserving of the highest form of love. 

The choice is yours: Will you believe in your own light?

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More Poems on Love & Dogs

I love my dog so much, it hurts.

And this is my new hope for 2024:
To love each day, so much, that it hurts.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Love So Much

I love my* dog so much, it hurts.
Leaving her for a grocery trip, I feel the pang of absence.

I love some people so much, it hurts.
Sometimes, my gratitude for connection comes out in tears.

I have loved some people so much, it hurts,
especially when they died or left me.

I have loved the Earth, the mountains, the rivers, the animals,
the Sky, the birds, the sun, and the moon so much, it hurts. 
I don’t ever want to leave.

Rarely have I ever loved myself this much, so much, that it hurts.

Usually, it hurts because I don’t love myself at all.

I wonder what this means,
that I can love a dog, another being, the mountains, so much that it hurts,
but it also hurts that I can’t love myself the same.

If I loved myself like my dog,
it would mean I could be weird and make any wrong,
and I would still love me.

If I loved myself like I loved my dad, my sister, my mom,
it would mean I didn’t care what I did,
I would just want me to be happy.

If I loved myself like my sister who passed,
it would mean I would love myself through death.

If I loved myself like the lover who left,
it would mean I would love myself,
even after breaking my own heart.

If I loved myself like the mountains, the rivers, the sun, the moon, and the stars,
it would mean I found both expanse and home, everywhere I go.
I would never have to leave.

I would love myself so much it hurts,
and turn around and love again,
realizing love is limitless,
that I have only mistaken pain for love,
another for myself,
life for death,
and see that it is only Love that remains.

*It always feels a little bit wrong to use the word “my” with a dog, like we can own such precious, loving energy. Really, I prefer the Hawaiian phrase “animal kahu”, meaning I am the guardian and protector of these enlightened beings.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Remember

I love Pacer so much I could snuggle with her for hours.
Wouldn’t it be great to live life this way, to snuggle with Love for hours?

Yet I rush through both, snuggles and life.

Why?

Have I forgotten all that matters?

Actually, I think that is precisely it.

Remember.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Love as a Phoenix

Have you ever loved someone so much that you would die for them?

I have done this for Pacer.

Not physically, of course.

Instead, I threw my fears, my ego, into the flames.
It was a slow, painful death.

She never asked me to do this.
In all my destruction and false identities, she would have kept loving me.
Even if I hurt her, as I did and almost did… she never took an ounce of love away.

You see, I could not give her the conditional love I offered myself.

I could only love her, unconditional love in physical form, back with unconditional love.

So out went the conditions of my ego-
And truly, I almost died.

She still loved me, even when I had no honor to my name. 

In fact, I felt shame.

For not being enough. I felt unworthy of love.
Still, she loved me all the same.

I tried to figure this out,
to sort through all the pain,
to find a reason why,
why was I still worth loving?

Of course, dogs don’t speak in words.
Dogs only speak the language of love and light. 
I received a snout sighing on my lap,
and felt message that said,
“My Love, you have always been worth loving,
anything else was a lie,
I am the only truth.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Expand

Love so much, that it hurts,
Let it hurt so much that you break open.
And find your freedom.

Understand that you had to break.
That fear was just a shell.
The love inside your heart was always beyond it too. 

In breaking, you expand. 


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