Tag: spirituality

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Signs, Magic, White Rabbits, and Crowns

I considered not sharing this one, as it is quite personal not only to me but my family. However, I wanted to give everyone reading this the opportunity to believe in signs, synchronicities, and magic. Mom and Sandi… I hope you are okay with me writing this openly, and if not, I hope that you can forgive me.

Not long ago, I finally went back. I went back to the spot off of Hwy 24 in Leadville where I got the news from my older sister that her time here on earth was limited, finite. I parked at the space where mine and Sandi’s bodies remembered they were much more water than skin and bones. Yet, when I parked at the Mineral Belt Trailhead, I didn’t have much time to process. The parking lot was busy, which I soon realized was because a local college or high school track was working out there, some of the team XC skiing while others ran loops on the groomed ski trail. Because Pacer and I are both quite sensitive and highly attuned to the energy around us, my main priority was to put my own skis on and get into the quiet of the woods as quickly as possible. 

After a mile or so, we got into our groove and my mind started to quiet. Around two miles in, the pine trees started to close in around us and I thought, “This would be a great place to see Sasquatch.” Minutes later, Sasquatch appeared (maybe just a large black cut out, but let’s use our imaginations) and Pacer made a new friend. I laughed at my mind’s conjuration, and we skied on. While Sasquatch was cool, he (or maybe, she?) wasn’t our sign. Actually, I wasn’t expecting one, which is perhaps one of the best parts about magic… it’s always there, and it reveals itself more easily when your mind isn’t holding on to any particular expectation or trying to predict future events. At the same time, you should always expect magic. It was when we crossed the road, splitting the trail, that I saw it on the back of a sign (this is not the first sign I’ve gotten on a sign…I think it’s the Universe’s way of ironically chuckling and saying “here’s your signier sign!”)…a sticker of a crown.

But not just any crown. This one is gold, with three plain and slightly crooked points. This crown is the signature logo of the band “Train”, my older sister’s favorite band, perhaps a hair over Matchbox 20*. Think “Calling all Angels”, “Drops of Jupiter”, and “Hey, Soul Sister.” While the band Train is still well known, I can’t say its a super popular band in the mountains of Colorado, nor have I ever seen the sticker before (and at least in my area, people put stickers everywhere…the back of cars, on stop signs, bathroom stalls, on the signs naming ski slopes, etc.). It was almost as if my older sister was saying, with her own signature eye roll, “I’m right here! I’m literally always with you.” This was obviously not just for me, but my family as well.

*As you’ll see throughout this post, my older sister often speaks to me through music and her favorite bands/artists: Train, Matchbox 20, Goo Goo Dolls- while born in the ’84 and ’88, we were 90s kids-, and Justin Timberlake (specifically, “Can’t Stop the feeling”, the song my mom played at her post funeral lunch), and Avril Lavigne (my mom played “Head Above Water” at the cemetery, which is when I sobbed and Ieft mascara stains on my dad’s shirt.)

My signy sign.
Me wearing my Amanda’s hoody.

As I was saying before, the funny thing about magic is that magic is all around us and in us. We’ve just been trained to not see it. Even me, just last year, thought I didn’t have enough of it and went out in search for more. Yet when my mind starts to quiet it’s like my awareness opens up and I can “see” more, as in I can see how foolish it is to believe magic is sparse or needs any action on my part to come into fruition. (As Michael Singer likes to say, we’re on a planet spinning around the sun at just the perfect distance that life can grow and we can breathe without burning or freezing, and we think we need to control things?)This all led me to seeing…

Yep. 

A white rabbit. 

My Alice in Wonderland signs started happening a few weeks earlier. The white bunny came while skiing down another trail outside the town of Buena Vista. I caught only a glimpse, but I saw the magical creature. My mind instantly went two to things: 1) perhaps this was the reincarnation of the bunny I killed the previous year while mindlessly driving up the road below (this of course, led to intense feelings of guilt and many tears), and 2) the rabbit that led Alice down the hole into Wonderland, or Underland. (In Tim Burton’s rendition of the classic book and later Disney film, Alice referred to Underland as Wonderland when she first visited as a child.) Always the one looking for animal symbolism, I drove home with the intention of looking up the rabbit’s message, while, of course, Matchbox 20’s newest song came on the radio with the lyrics “I know you think I’m gone, but I’m all in. Don’t get me wrong.” (I believe when I looked at the time, it was 2:22, just to triple my signs for the day.)

My first Google search led me right to this site (the blogger’s name, of course, was Amanda- my older sister’s name): https://www.amandalinettemeder.com/blog/white-rabbit-spirit-animal-medicine-symbolism. Her post not only talked about Alice in Wonderland, but a white rabbit symbolizing the release of fears, play, and awakening intuition, or, the inner mystic. Exactly my journey of the past 7 or so months, and, what I believe, what I’m waking up to. 

In the next few weeks, I received more signs: A scene from Alice in Wonderland paired with a Carl Jung quote in a random Instagram post, photos of white bunnies, and a client mentioning “not going down the rabbit hole”. Normally, I would have agreed with him…when we’re spinning in a rumination cycle, we’ve got to breathe and recenter. This time, though, I had the insight that maybe, instead of going just halfway down the rabbit hole, I needed to go ALL THE WAY DOWN, and follow my beliefs back to their root, and decide for myself what was real and what wasn’t. 

I watched movie one, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, a day before my mind and old belief systems once again tried to take rule. As you may know, the book is full of good quotes, such as “Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” Yet, the line that Tim Burton added that struck my heart and raised emotion came from the Mad Hatter:

Mad Hatter (to Alice): I don’t like it in here. It’s terribly crowded. Have I gone mad?

As to which Alice replied: “I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.”

The following week, as my mind tried to tell me more stories of how I screwed up and wasn’t enough, I pondered and pondered on what Alice meant. Eventually, I gave in to asking for guidance after Obi-Wan sent me a cryptic quote:

“To interpret is to impoverish, to deplete the world – in order to set up a shadow world of meanings.”   – Susan Sontag

I replied back, “I feel like you’re trying to tell me something :,)”) before replying back with the Alice in Wonderland quote, speaking to my frustration. Obi-Wan’s reply was very Obi-Wan-ish, and perfect:

“Whoever has the ability to be aware of large amounts of stuff, if they can learn to use the awareness, will be on the cutting edge of changing others awareness’s. 

This is how the dark becomes the light and light creates new darkness.”

My mind doesn’t have to bring me down if I can rise above it. And, if by simply reading my words, I can perhaps allow you to start questioning all the voices in your head (or parts, to be more therapeutically correct, in reference to Internal Family Systems), then we all have the opportunity to see things in a new way. Which, psychedelics, or not*, is the point of the movie. To question reality as we perceive it and then choose the world (the heaven or hell of our minds) we want to live in. Then, the unconscious becomes potential.

*As a psychosoul therapist, I am supportive of using psychedelics as a tool for healing. And, while I’ve had many people infer or tell me I should try psychedelics because of what I write about, I have not yet tried them. There are several reasons for this, but the one I’ll name now is that I’m interested in seeing how far I can get into the magical realms of energy by simply quieting my mind and believing what I know, for I often don’t believe what I know to be true.

It was shortly after this when my “rabbit hole” signs started shifting. To be precise, I pulled an Oracle card that read: “Slip down into the rabbit hole of enchantment and wonder.”

To be honest, I’m not sure what “enchantment and wonder” actually looks like for me anymore. I do know I had it as a kid. I loved to build forts, both inside and outside, and get carried away in games of imagination, be it “dress up”, playing with barbies and stuffed animals, or playing “cops and robbers” with my best friend across the street (Terry, I believe, actually did end up becoming a policeman). I remember the last lingering wafts of imagination clinging to my youth after I watched Bridge to Terabithia and then wandered around the trail-less woods under a cloudy Ohio sky. Somewhere soon after, it must have left me, although my love for wandering (and often getting lost) in the woods blessedly stayed.

My curiosity never completely went away either, and its only grown stronger the more I’ve let go of judgement and comparison. And so, it was my curiosity that led me to the second movie, Alice in Wonderland: Through the Looking Glass*.

*Again, I watched the Tim Burton edition, although I have fond but distant memory of watching a much older version with my older sister.

I won’t rehash the full movie for you (beside the fact that the Mad Hatter also endured the “not enough wound” for being a little different, as witnessed in scenes with his father) and instead tell you what thoughts the movie led me to, or maybe, reminded me:

1. What I cannot see, because I have forgotten how to look, is all the times in my past where I have been guided and protected. And, the times where I have chosen my own ego way, when I tried to control rather than (co)create, how my guides worked overtime to make sure I remained safe. I may have ignored the signs, rejected my emotions, and gone astray, but I was and never have been alone. Especially in the times I felt the most lost.

2. The one fundamental truth that I have come to fully believe in is that life is far more magical than we have been trained to see.

Which is kind of weird, but exactly the point. In order to see, we have to unsee. To make our own choice, we have to acknowledge all the choices that have been made for us. To see reality clearly, we have to see what we’ve been trained to believe and interpret. To get to know who we really are, we have to make friends with all the voices in our head, whom may or may not be real. Is the world good or bad? Or does it lie in the gray? Are you or I to be trusted? Or is it all the same? Does heaven or hell exist anymore than Wonderland or Underland exist?

Perhaps we have all gone mad. After all, all the best people have. For it is we who know the secret, that it all depends on how you choose to perceive it.

And, when we let go of judgement and what we think we want, life will bring us exactly what it is that our soul desires..the deepest, unimaginable, fairytales of the heart.

*There were actually way more signs and synchronicities than I could comprehensively include in this blog post without making it longer than you or I are willing to read off of a computer.

**A friend sent me this almost as soon as I finished the full draft of this post.

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Swordswoman

Would you believe me if I told you I was an expert swordsman in a past life?

That I became so skilled, in fact, I learned to disarm my enemies rather than harm them?
(I guess I’ve always been an empath.) That I continually grew in honor and rank until…until I realized that I really just liked being with everyone else?

Whether the psychic was speaking metaphorically or not really doesn’t matter*.
And she wasn’t just describing to me my past. She was telling me my future. All of our futures, really.

*If anything is egotistical, wouldn’t it be bragging about a past life?

Maybe I’m one of the many leading the charge against darkness, fear, and evil, using my sword not to fight but to disarm. I’m just sharing my pain, what I’ve learned about it, my light of awareness that grew from my journey through the dark, and my love. 

We’re at a time where so many people are beginning to realize that attacking, criticizing, and killing other people solves and heals nothing. That in hurting others, we’re only hurting ourselves.

Instead of using your own sword to attack or defend*, can you use it instead to disarm?
*As in, defend your position, your view point, or how you protect yourself from love.

Instead, can you love so fiercely that the other person feels safe to put down their shield and shed their armor? Can you shed your armor, too?

The paradox (more on this soon) is that the more vulnerable we become, the more invulnerable we are. It’s the opposite of armored. The more stripped and exposed we become, the more we can get know love and our true selves…and once you remember who you are and what is real, nothing in this physical world can hurt you. 

(My therapist trick: When I want to judge, it helps me to remember that fear creates evil, that underneath hate is fear. In the fear is a scared inner child that has been exiled, that is really just looking to be loved. There may be a small few, I’m not sure, who have managed to completely annihilate their inner child, their innocence (pure love)…but in 99% of people we want to judge or call bad, I believe this to be true.)

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The Choice

In all the best movies about light and dark, be it Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, or Harry Potter, the protagonist always asks themselves the question: What if I am just like them?

What if I am just like Darth Vader? What if Im just like Lord Voldemort? What if Im just like Sauron?

The wise teacher usually replies with something like: Well, it’s your choice.

Do you want to believe in fear? Or do you want to believe in love?
Which is the same thing as saying, do you want to give your energy to the darkness?
Or do you want to give your energy to love?

Most of us, at some level, have already made that choice. We’ve chosen to, to the best of our conscious ability, to be good friends, good neighbors, good partners, and good community members. Some of us have taken another step and chosen to be good to the earth and all the animals that inhabit earth. Yet most of us have forgotten to look at how we treat ourselves.

In order to look at that piece, I believe the better question is: What if they, the villains, are just like me?

What if Darth Vader is actually just like me? What if he simply just chose to believe in fear, and in doing so, shut down to love? What if he killed his own innocence before trying kill everyone else’s? Because…he got so scared that he thought he had to dominate the planet in order to feel powerful, because he had actually lost his own true power when he left his innocence and creativity spirit behind?

In the end, we don’t have to fight the darkness. We just have to make a choice. Darkness is just forgetfulness, which invites in fear and we create these crazy stories in our head of not being enough and unworthy of love. When we shine the light of love and truth on darkness, when we choose to love ourselves even when we’ve made a mistake- a choice that wasn’t in alignment with love, darkness can’t survive. Darkness was never real in the first place, just made up. Instead, we can put our own light energy into the belief, the deep knowing, that we are all enough and all deserving of the highest form of love. 

The choice is yours: Will you believe in your own light?

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What Survives

If we can still love those who left us, who broke our hearts, who moved away, and who passed on, does that not prove love’s infinite existence?

The greatest act of love I have ever witnessed is watching my parents saying goodbye to their eldest daughter. My older sister had spent a long two years fighting cancer, and when it came to the point where she was clearly closer to Somewhere Else than here on earth as well as looking more peaceful than she had in weeks, they didn’t say, “You’re my daughter. You are supposed to outlive me. You have to keep fighting, because I need you.” (Let me be clear, I do not judge anyone who has said that to a loved one on their “deathbed”.) No. Instead they said. ”We love you. We don’t want you to be in pain. You don’t have to hold on anymore. You can go.” And while my sister did hang out until after my dad’s birthday (I know that was her choice) and I believe my parents, as well as my twin sister and I, releasing our attachment to her physical presence, is why she was able to pass peacefully in her sleep a night later. Letting go was an act of unconditional love.

When she died, all that was left was love.

Personally, my greatest fear (I don’t think I’ve ever admitted this before), is losing my* dog. (Well, her and my twin sister.) To be honest, I’ve never been sure I could survive it. And there is something inherently beautiful and almost innocent** in that, that my greatest fear is in losing unconditional love. Specifically, the embodied presence of unconditional love that has been almost constantly by my side for over a decade now. While I still hold onto the hope of her living to 20 (not unheard of for an Aussie), I can only free both me and her by accepting that in most cases, a dog’s lifetime is significantly shorter than their humans. (Maybe this is because dog’s are already so close to God/Love and as furry angels, are more helpers to humans wanting to evolve.) And, even though Pacer is still happy to have some big adventures with me in the mountains, I also have to admit that she prefers snuggle time and getting doted on by her aunt and uncle even more. I’m so grateful, too, because she already physically thrives beyond other pups. So, when the time comes the most loving thing I can do for Pacer is let her go back Home. Of course, if she is ever sick, I’lI do anything I can to help her heal. But I don’t want her to have to stick around because I need her and I’m lost without her. Because that wouldn’t be love on my part, that would be fear. 

*Again, this word “my” is part of the problem…the possession of another being that is also not actually separate from us. 
**Innocence predates fear. It is love without fear. My feeling comes from more of a child who recently lost her innocence.

Could I…will I…be able to survive that? Love will always survive it.

In truth, I know energy doesn’t die… especially an energy like Pacer’s (this is the first law of energy). I know that part of Pacer’s purpose in coming to earth was to remind me of the love that always surrounds me and that is within me. I’m usually just too blind, too unwilling, to see it. I also absolutely know she will always be with me. I truly believe we’ve always been together in some way.  It’s the fear and lie of absence that always gets me. That and the amount of pain I know my body is capable of feeling. Really, I’m not sure how the skin around my 5’4 frame has survived the amount of pain I’ve held on to in the past. Yet I know I can hold more love then I have yet tested, because of all the times I’ve allowed pain to break me open. All I can really do right now is keep seeing the fear and loving it, not away, but anyway… that and snuggling with Pacer.

Love is the only force that can survive death. In death, only love will remain. 

*Note: Because we are human, it is essential that we love ourselves when in pain. In doing that, we can also realize that pain is an occurrence that happens when we feel separated (by our minds) from Love.

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More Poems on Love & Dogs

I love my dog so much, it hurts.

And this is my new hope for 2024:
To love each day, so much, that it hurts.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Love So Much

I love my* dog so much, it hurts.
Leaving her for a grocery trip, I feel the pang of absence.

I love some people so much, it hurts.
Sometimes, my gratitude for connection comes out in tears.

I have loved some people so much, it hurts,
especially when they died or left me.

I have loved the Earth, the mountains, the rivers, the animals,
the Sky, the birds, the sun, and the moon so much, it hurts. 
I don’t ever want to leave.

Rarely have I ever loved myself this much, so much, that it hurts.

Usually, it hurts because I don’t love myself at all.

I wonder what this means,
that I can love a dog, another being, the mountains, so much that it hurts,
but it also hurts that I can’t love myself the same.

If I loved myself like my dog,
it would mean I could be weird and make any wrong,
and I would still love me.

If I loved myself like I loved my dad, my sister, my mom,
it would mean I didn’t care what I did,
I would just want me to be happy.

If I loved myself like my sister who passed,
it would mean I would love myself through death.

If I loved myself like the lover who left,
it would mean I would love myself,
even after breaking my own heart.

If I loved myself like the mountains, the rivers, the sun, the moon, and the stars,
it would mean I found both expanse and home, everywhere I go.
I would never have to leave.

I would love myself so much it hurts,
and turn around and love again,
realizing love is limitless,
that I have only mistaken pain for love,
another for myself,
life for death,
and see that it is only Love that remains.

*It always feels a little bit wrong to use the word “my” with a dog, like we can own such precious, loving energy. Really, I prefer the Hawaiian phrase “animal kahu”, meaning I am the guardian and protector of these enlightened beings.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Remember

I love Pacer so much I could snuggle with her for hours.
Wouldn’t it be great to live life this way, to snuggle with Love for hours?

Yet I rush through both, snuggles and life.

Why?

Have I forgotten all that matters?

Actually, I think that is precisely it.

Remember.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Love as a Phoenix

Have you ever loved someone so much that you would die for them?

I have done this for Pacer.

Not physically, of course.

Instead, I threw my fears, my ego, into the flames.
It was a slow, painful death.

She never asked me to do this.
In all my destruction and false identities, she would have kept loving me.
Even if I hurt her, as I did and almost did… she never took an ounce of love away.

You see, I could not give her the conditional love I offered myself.

I could only love her, unconditional love in physical form, back with unconditional love.

So out went the conditions of my ego-
And truly, I almost died.

She still loved me, even when I had no honor to my name. 

In fact, I felt shame.

For not being enough. I felt unworthy of love.
Still, she loved me all the same.

I tried to figure this out,
to sort through all the pain,
to find a reason why,
why was I still worth loving?

Of course, dogs don’t speak in words.
Dogs only speak the language of love and light. 
I received a snout sighing on my lap,
and felt message that said,
“My Love, you have always been worth loving,
anything else was a lie,
I am the only truth.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Expand

Love so much, that it hurts,
Let it hurt so much that you break open.
And find your freedom.

Understand that you had to break.
That fear was just a shell.
The love inside your heart was always beyond it too. 

In breaking, you expand. 


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Can You Love the Unlovable?

(I originally wrote this for my psych-soul counseling Insta page @wanderlustcounseling, but thought it was worth sharing here too.)

Can you love the unlovable?

Can you love the innocent, vulnerable, emotional, and soft part of you that doesn’t want to do hard things, that just wants to feel safe and loved? Can you love your inner child?

Can you love the part of you that oppresses your creativity and joy?  Your inner critic, you mean coach, your Judgy McJuderson. Can you love your abuser?

For some of us, it will be harder to love the inner child, because we have deemed her weak.  Or rather, the inner abuser has deemed her weak. We’ve learned that it’s better to be strong and tough in a “hard knock life” kind of world.  But is it?  Or is that the world we created from beliefs and stories of fear handed down to us, that creates comparison, hate, and war.  That is the belief of the inner abuser (yes, I am using this word intentionally). The inner abuser lives… feeds off of fear, believing the world is not safe and that he’s gotta look out for himself.  She doesnt just protect, she is protected…but not from anything bad, from everything good.  That part of us that shames us, that’s literally tried to obliterate the inner child inside of us…he’s just scared. He hides behind his defenses. And yea, she’s done some things he’s not proud of.  Can you forgive him? Knowing that he’s only abused, harmed, and killed out of fear? Can you see the scared child underneath the armor? The part of you that just wants to know he’s still loveable.  Can you love the unlovable?

*Did you know that Hitler actually wanted to be an artist. Something churns in my stomach when I read his biography: https://www.history.com/news/adolf-hitler-artist-paintings-vienna

**I used he/her for simplicity’s sake, partially having to do with energies, but please use the pronouns you see fit.  

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More than Words:Peace, Love, Joy, Magic

Peace. Love. Joy. Magic.

These are the words we see sprinkled throughout department stores, decorations, and greeting cards each holiday season. 

Yet how often do we pause and reflect what they mean? Or, more importantly, the feeling that these words embody?

Most of us have realized and accepted that the feelings masked behind these words cannot be found in material things. Actually, I would say that the millennial and younger generations have rejected the notion altogether. Unfortunately, I think most would also find it hard to believe that these feelings can be found ever present inside of ourselves, underneath our anxiety and depression. But the truth is…Peace, love, joy, and magic are the ingredients that make up the light of our souls. 

Why? Why is it so hard to tap into this natural state of being? 

Well, at one level, many of us were taught to seek for answers, wisdom, validation, love… salvation, from sources outside of ourselves. Thank you religion, material culture, societal structures, and fear/anger-based parenting.  

For some reason, the line “kingdom of Heaven” kept coming into my head while writing this. I think it’s because my Catholic upbringing clearly taught me that God was outside of myself, God and Jesus were male, and while on earth, I should look to priests for both answers and forgiveness, and then my parents*. But the phrase, “kingdom of Heaven” pretty clearly seems to state otherwise both in my mind, my own practice, and even in religious texts. While various verses in the bible are partially up for translation (or rather, they have been translated in a way that the “editors” saw fit), Luke was pretty clear (17:21) when Jesus said, “The kingdom of God does not come with observation; nor will they say, ‘See here!’ or ‘See there!’ For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you” (NKJV) BOOM. Of course, I love The Gospel of Mary (Magdalen), which includes the passage:

“When the Blessed One said these things, he greeted them all and said, “Peace be with you! Acquire my peace. Be careful not to let anyone mislead you by saying, ‘Look over here!’ or ‘Look over there!’ Because the Son of Humanity exists within you. Follow him! Those who seek him will find him.

“Go then and preach the gospel about the kingdom. Don’t  lay down any rules beyond what I’ve given you, nor make a law like the lawgiver, lest you be bound by it.” 

*How cool would it be if more parents asked their kids not only what they think about various topics, but questions like “What is your heart telling you?”, “What is your body trying to communicate to you?”, and “What does your intuition say?”.

Another translation comes from the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche who said, “The “kingdom of Heaven” is a condition of the heart- not something that comes ‘upon the earth’ or ‘after death'”. 

Yet these verses are not widespread because, well, it sure would be hard to control and make money off of people who didn’t live off of fear but instead knew they were different rays of God/ Consciousness/ Source/Love, etc. 

Still, you could just say that I am picking the passages and quotes I want to to prove my point, so let’s go to part two.

If we go off this theory, that in the heart resides the kingdom of Heaven, that we can always access it when we are aligned with joy, peace, and love, what blocks us from accessing it? 

The short answer: The ego-mind. 

From a psychological perspective, we know that neural pathways tell the story of our belief systems and thoughts. Remember “neurons that fire together, wire together.” These pathways are created and strengthened throughout childhood and teenage years. Developmental theories, like Erik Erikson’s Stages of Development, or Bowlby’s and Ainsworth’s Attachment Theory, give us even more tangible guidelines on how the ego is developed. For example, according to Erikson, between 18 months and three years, toddlers learn autonomy and/or shame, based on their situation and nurturance. It’s really all about the story the child tells themself about what happened and the feelings they experienced (and did or did not process), which continues through life until that belief is challenged. And remember, a child will prefer to live in a world where s/he is bad rather than ever believe that their parents, or god, is bad, for their view is ego-centric (children can only explain things from a personal standpoint) and they rely on their parents/caregivers for survival. 

Then we get to question, what lies under these developed belief systems? What is left when we prune back the neural pathways? What happens when the mind quiets?

It’s not a blank slate. We know that from both observing and studying the brain scans of well-trained meditators. Those blissed out monks. The smiling, curious babies (who are also super sensory and not yet trained in emotional regulation…they just let it all flow out no matter the who or how.). 

My best guess as to what is left when we quiet the mind and remember to look inwards?

It’s a return to the heart and hearing the heart’s guidance. It’s a return to our soul and the peace, love, joy, and magic that makes up our Light. 

***

I’m going to write more in depth on this topic in my next blog, but for now, a great practice is to (individually at first) imagine what peace, love, and joy feels like inside your body. It may be helpful to bring up a memory that helps you tap into the feeling or imagined scene. Then, just take a few breaths, a few minutes, to bask in the feeling. If you can’t get there all the way, that’s okay. Even if you “pretend” the feeling is there, that is great too! The imagination is an amazing, amazing tool for creating. 

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Unshakeable

The truth is,
to become unshakeable,
you have to be broken.
Layer by layer.
Part by part.
Cracked.
All the way down to your core.
All your wounds,
exposed.

Then,
you must choose.
To armor more,
to let the cracks turn to scars,
the skin thicker than before.
Or,
To let go.
To open up.
To shed your skin.
Each layer disintegrating
into nothingness.

To become unshakeable,
you invite death in.
Forgetting who you were,
to remember who you are.

It is in the stillness of winter,
the hush of the snowflakes,
the whisper of the trees,
where peace is found.

And in the quiet,
standing naked,
you become free.

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At the beginning of the year, when I told a therapist “I want to become unshakeable, but not in the narcissistic kind of way”, I wanted it to mean that I just had to believe in myself, to be confident, and then I could achieve the things I wanted to. But really, becoming unshakeable meant: achieve nothing, fail at everything. It meant losing labels, money, physical ability, and almost all of my hope. It meant praying on my knees (or in the fetal position), picking myself off the floor, and facing the long standing belief of never being enough, in the midst of my woes. It was fighting for myself, the child within, who had been conditioned with the belief she was unworthy, to repent, but regardless, that she could never be enough, who was controlled by the stories of the shadowed priests in her mind. It was holding onto the thread, the chosen thought gifted to me my Obi-wan “that isn’t me.” I am not my thoughts, my fears, my pain. I am the love that lies underneath. Becoming unshakeable meant throwing all of my love at my wounds, all of my love to the little girl who had learned not to trust herself. Demanding that I was enough, money or not, trophies or not, boyfriend or not. It was me coming back to my truth…that I was, always, inherently enough. The rest just lies and fear. Even when the anxiety came back again, choosing to see through the illusions, my protections, and leaning into both love and my enough-ness. It was becoming nothing to remember I was everything.

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How My Sister Died (A Lesson on Dying)

While I have previously written on the literal aspects of “how” my older sister died from cancer (with many of the roots of the disease such as mental health and diet left untouched by doctors), I’ve never really delved into the way in which she transitioned from human back to spirit…or the lesson she left for me in the process. Here is that story.

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“Call me when you are both together.”

When we got the text from our older sister, Sandi and I were both out camping and adventuring in the mountains. Blessedly, we weren’t that far apart. I was in the Holy Cross Wilderness area and didn’t receive the text until I was back to my car and had cell reception. I believe I somehow managed to suppress the thoughts and much of the anxiety I felt around the elusiveness but also known meaning around the text. Sandi wasn’t so lucky. She and her partner, Sage, were well above tree line, exploring part of the off-trail Nolan’s 14 line on Oxford and Belford, when Sandi received the text. Already crumbling with emotion, she navigated the technical line back to the trailhead as best as she could.

We met in the middle. Leadville. Right off of Hwy 24 at the Mineral Belt trailhead. Sage took Pacer’s leash from me and walked with her as Sandi and I called our older sister. Amanda, just 4 years older than us, calmly, peacefully, told us, her younger sisters, that the doctors had told her they could do no more for her cancer ridden body and that she had a limited time to live. Sandi and I simultaneously and instantaneously collapsed into a unintelligible pile of emotion and tears. Our mom, always the tough one, stoically stood by Amanda and listened to her eldest daughter tell her younger daughters that she had accepted her fate and trusted God was with her.

And there we were, all of us together, both broken and at peace.

Over the next few weeks, after Sandi, Pacer, and I drove back to Ohio to help our older sister transition, we got an up close glance and what dying looks like. In hindsight, what a strange thing…to be guides to our sister in the death process. (Amanda would later guide me on my own.)

Sometimes, Amanda was tearfully happy, especially when her closest friends or our younger cousins came to visit. Sometimes she laughed at our dinner mishaps or the mess she was leaving for us to clean up. Sometimes, she was frustrated at the bills she had left to organize and the limits of her body, while other times, she offered us grace by allowing us to help. Sometimes, Amanda was in pain. Sometimes, she cried anxious, panicky tears, like when we went over her will. Oftentimes, she asked us to hold her hand.

Sometimes, she was grouchy.

This, I want to highlight. Not all, but a lot of family members of dying loved ones have the extremely painful experience of their loved one going through a temporarily grouchy or even mean period before their death. This most acutely affected Sandi. I can’t quite remember the situation, it might just simply have been Sandi giving Amanda her medication to help with the physical pain, and Amanda uttered something like “you’re killing me”, which caused Sandi to retreat to the kitchen in tears. I can imagine that this sliced like a knife, especially when I had the same (but inaccurate) worry that I was killing my older sister with the prescribed pills from her doctor. What was really happening here to my older sister, who, just a week earlier had declared our indoor picnic lunch with our mom, stepdad, and 2 little cousins “the best day ever”?

My belief now is that this was one of the final fights from her ego, her fear-based human identity, that now faced imminent death.* (This will be the key point of the second half of this essay.) Amanda was never truly mean, grumpy, or in a bad mood throughout her life…it had only been her wounded self and the ego trying to protect her from the beauty pain of life. In these last days, Amanda’s ego knew it couldn’t survive the end of the physical body and the spiritual transformation happening within. It spoke its last words, then dissolved like the wicked witch of the West (Amanda loved the play Wicked), before Amanda surrendered and her ego disappeared forever.

*From my understanding, the brain can also start to malfunction near the end of life due to low oxygen, deterioration, etc. Again, this is an example of the outer reflecting the inner. Additionally, Gabor Mate explains in When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress, how childhood trauma can lead to Alzheimer’s (among many other diseases), using the case study of Ronald Reagan.

After that, I believe Amanda was already living more in the spirit world than she was here on earth. From what I have read on near death experiences (NDEs)*, her spiritual guide team was already with her and re-orienting her back to true self and Somewhere Else. On September 1st, my dad’s birthday, she mustered enough consciousness to sing him happy birthday and tell him he was the best dad ever. (This, I know, meant the world and back to my dad. He and Amanda were more alike than she would have admitted, and as so often happens with parents and children that are similar, they often butted heads.) If my memory is accurate, it was later that night, she said her last word, “yay!“, a parting gift to all of us.

*Recommended: Dying to Be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing – Anita Moorjani

In the wee hours of September 3rd, she quietly made her full transition from human to spirit and back to Somewhere Else. Her family and friends would no longer know her in human form.

Since then, Amanda has turned up in my and my family’s life in various ways. Roses (her middle name was “Rose”), butterflies, felt senses (a heightened gift Sandi often experiences), her favorite songs on the radio at times that could never be just coincidental, by doors creaking open (to the slight fear of my one of my younger cousins), and most recently, in a dream.

I wish I would have written it down as soon as it happened, in the still hours of darkness. I could only partially recall it back in the daylight hours. Amanda had come to me, looking young (probably around 30) and joyful, saying something like “This would have been an easier way to say goodbye”. Yet that felt odd to me at first… I already knew goodbye is only real in the earthly realm and in fact, we were now closer than we had ever been in our human armor. Now, as I write this, I think I know what she meant…she was leaving a message for all of us, for this essay, on how to die.

While I have limited experience with dream interpretation, what I believe my sister was telling me and encouraging me to write, is that it’s easier to say goodbye to our loved ones and human body when we have already dropped our ego identity and reunited with our true essence. We don’t have to put up a fight, we just surrender and allow the transformation to occur, because really, it’s an “awesome” (Amanda’s word) experience. However, I realize that sounds a little a little out of reach in just a few sentences. So instead, let me outline the stages of her death from the above description.

  • Acceptance: When Amanda told Sandi and I the news, she was calm in the acceptance of her fate.
  • Half & Half: I have often been told by my Reiki therapist that I am often half in, half out, or rather, half in the material (ego) world and half in the spiritual (energy) world. For Amanda, her spirit was at peace but her ego was terrified.
  • Pain: Anxiety, grief, and anger, suffering, and physical pain with long periods of rest/sleep. The ego fears its own demise and often doesn’t want to go without a fight. Pain exists in the separation of our minds and true self and diminishes in unification. This step can be quite intense if the separation hasn’t yet been addressed. Grace allowed Amanda to fall asleep after these intense energetic periods.
  • Surrendering: The ego simply can’t survive death or the call of a spirit back Home. Amanda’s human identity ceased to exist, although her body allowed for one more step…
  • Joy: “YAY!” (The soul celebrating freedom.)
  • Physical Death & Return to Spirit.
  • Peace.

If I’m being completely honest, the ego death I’ve been experiencing over the past several years has been just as messy (if not much more) and emotionally painful. Without really realizing it, I fought my ego death, hard. My ego is especially tricky and manipulative (hence why I was able to date a covert narcissist for 3 years) and my fear was subtle, at least from my conditioned human perspective. In time, I allowed myself to be unravelled and stripped from identity, a process that was extremely uncomfortable (to say the least). Really, it was my only choice. It was either that, physical death, or returning to live by my ego, which would have killed me anyway. Slowly, I began to see how my mind and fear (often around not being enough) were in control of my decision making and how I went about creating my life. Yet that is a story for another day. For now, let me tell you how to die (while still alive), starting with some clarification of the ego and the “dark night of the ego”.

What is The Ego?

The ego is our human identity, often created from a foundation of fear. When explaining the ego to others, I usually just call it our “fear-based mind”. The tricky thing about the ego is we often don’t realize we have one, saving it only for those we call “egotistical”. Yet the ego lies on the spectrum of believing one is not enough, from martyr to narcissist, and can present in various ways. In actuality, when one is identifying with their human self and all of its fallibilities and success, they are believing in a false self. For this reason, I have even called our human self our shadow self, for it hides our true identity. That being said, neither our ego or our human self are bad. A healthy ego is the realization that we are human and keeps us safe from physical harm (Ex. Fire is warm, but bad to touch). It is also of upmost importance that we love our human selves and the life we’ve been given… in playing out various identities, we are healing past wounds so our soul can evolve. It is also in physical form that we can create in the material world and allow for all kinds of magical experiences.

How is the Ego Formed?

The ego begins forming sometime in childhood, once the brain has had some time to develop and the mind can start creating meaning and stories. Yet at birth, we are all simply sensory beings. Some babies cry a lot, I think because they are feeling the stark contrast of being in the realms of heaven, in the cocoon of a mother’s womb, and then squeezed out into a world of various energies being swirled around. All babies, however, are generally curious. It’s like they were just plopped down here in this weird place and have no conditioning telling them what to think, expect, or who they should be. They’ve got joy still in them too, laughing at sweet nothings. These are all general statements and other factors play in, such as the well-being of the mother and father during pregnancy, past life imprints, and overall sensitivities. What really matters, however, is the story a child tells themself about the sensations in their body after core needs (yes, food and shelter, but mainly, connection and love) have gone unmet, or rather, the heart has be invalidated. It is these stories that the ego is formed from, and it usually begins with feelings of unworthiness. Sadly, our society has been built off of conditional love which creates the world’s deadliest weapon: fear. So instead of minds growing from the fertile of soil unconditional love, most minds grow in the barren desert of the subtle and not so subtle tyrannical rulership of fear.

The ego can also carry unhealed wounds from past lives. This is what I call “karma”. Yet regardless if the wounds are from this life or a previous life, we have the opportunity to heal all wounds once we start to un-identify from the ego. How I see it is that we live a chunk of our lives forming and perhaps strengthening the ego (historically, this has been until death or midlife), and the next chunk of our lives unravelling ourselves from it. If we can do this before physical death, well… I’m excited to see what happens.

The Dark Night of the Ego (Ego Death)

I want to start out by saying (writing) that the dark night of the ego and hitting rock bottom are two different things. Hitting rock bottom is relatively quick. It is the night on the bathroom floor after drinking too much, the life-altering diagnosis, the end of a romantic relationship, or that first time you make a decision with the heart rather than the head (ego). It is what I call “the crack” that leads to the dark night of the ego (others refer to this as the dark night of the soul, but I see the soul rejoicing when this happens). The dark night of the ego, on the other hand, is usually a several month to several year long process (there are, of course, exceptions), where, layer by layer, the ego-identity is unravelled until we get closer or even back home to our true selves. For many who have undergone this kind of spiritual awakening, the process has been painful. Yet I think this is going to be less so in the coming years, for many light workers have walked the “path of darkness” to leave a light for others to follow. (I first read and appreciated this phrasing in a Mary Magdalen book, describing Jesus’s death.)

How to Die (While Still Alive)

When the ego becomes our identity and is based off of fear, it limits the beauty of life and the potential of our souls to heal, create, and love. When we allow our ego to die, at least the fear-based part, we actually get to experience what it means to be free while in human form. True freedom, I have learned (the hard way), is of and from the mind rather than something gained by material wealth or by experiences manifested from a place of lack. Transcending the ego means moving from a place of pain (hell) to a place of joy (heaven). It allows our hearts to lead over the ego-mind, giving the steering wheel back to our soul’s and the ability to live from a place of peace, despite life’s circumstances.

But how do we do it? And is it possible to do it now without experiencing tremendous amounts of pain?

Yes…and/but, if you’ve numbed from the emotions in your body throughout your life in any way (and this is especially true for empaths), there is probably going to be a lot of energy moving through that may or may not come in the form of emotional, mental, or even physical pain (backache, throwing up, injury, etc). Fortunately, I believe that the need to experience pain is going to be less and less true for future generations as more parents, and the world, becomes more emotionally and spiritually intelligent. Plus, if you haven’t yet noticed, a large chunk of the current generation of kids are already coming in way more conscious (and energetically sensitive) than previous generations…they’ve got great bullshit-o-meters and have little tolerance for conventional norms.

Ok, with that caveat, the steps on how let go of the ego:

  1. Be disobedient to the (lower/ego) mind*.
    All those thoughts in your head, you don’t have to listen to them, and you certainly don’t have to follow them. Call out the fear-based stories and the conditions that have been given to you. Choose to see through the illusion of the mind. Choose to see things from another perspective. Choose to see through the lens of love.
    *I added lower mind because this line is paraphrased from The Gospel of Mary. When “mind” is used in that text, it is not talking about the ego mind but the “higher mind”, which I believe refers to true, unified consciousness (what some might call “God”).

    Extra: Starve the ego
    You may or may not experience “the crack”, either because you don’t have to on your journey or you choose to intentionally “starve the ego”, simply meaning, you don’t give it what it wants. This is in part not listening to it, but is a slightly more intentional experience of rewiring your brain’s reward system, meaning denying the brain the normal ways it seeks out dopamine hits, be it seeking out validation through big accomplishments or simply checking how many likes you received on your latest social media post. In the past, many spiritual teachers have done this by both living as a hermit and starving themselves (which could be a reward system for those with eating disorders). Very few have actually received enlightenment that way, and I believe the work now (especially for those of us who would prefer to be hermits) is to stay in relationship with the others.

    Be prepared for the ego to “flip the fuck out”(the profession phrase I often use with my clients doing ego work). And for those who have dated narcissists, double check for your own inner narcissist trying to manipulate your process. Remember, the ego fears its own death and will kick and scream its way out. Love that, too.

  2. Breathe: quiet the mind.
    Some options include: meditation, play, dancing, creating art, walking in nature. Anything that turns down the volume of the mind or allows you to turn it off altogether. Pay attention to your breath…it is, after all, what makes you alive and able to live beyond the shadows.

  3. Love fiercely.
    The ego is made up of fear, and the only thing fear cannot survive is love. My suggestion here is to consciously throw all the love you have at the fear-based stories in your mind, all your wounds, all your pain. When these things start to surface, see them, feel them, and love them. Call on the Divine Feminine for help. Love yourself through what you would call mistakes or sins and the times you were invalidated as a child, when your parents weren’t or didn’t know how to be there for you. Love yourself through the stories of “not enoughness”. Remind yourself that any story other than one of love and inherent worth is untrue. This is in part what therapists would call “re-parenting work”, but with even more clear (higher) seeing and love.

    During my own journey, there were times when I “woke up fighting”, meaning my anxiety and fear-based thoughts would start as soon as I opened my eyes I’d have to immediately chose not to believe the fear, and, after praying for help to see with clarity and through the lens of love, I’d end up repeating “I love you. You are enough.”

  4. Listen to the heart and body.
    This often feels like a foreign concept, even….especially for people in the athletic world who have learned to overrule the body’s signals. It’s even more foreign for empaths who learned that feeling was unsafe and built up layers of armor. However, listening to the heart and body is completely innate. Many of us may just have to deconstruct to get there.

    If you have any aches or pains, you can start by feeling and breathing into them and asking the area “what message do you have for me?”. You can also practice breathing into the heart, taking 3-5 deep breaths and focusing on your heart center. Practice feeling your emotions. If they don’t move (think of a passing cloud) in a minute or two, get curious if you have a block that is not allowing the emotion to pass, or if there’s just a lot more in there from suppressing emotions for so long. (Note that thoughts can keep emotions stuck.) If you have a block, feel into why its there and/or how it is protecting you. Underneath emotions are sensations, the gut feelings. The contraction and expansion. Notice when your heart energy feels like it is getting bigger or growing smaller. Your heart will be one of your greatest guides. Be patient…if you have a lot of blocks or emotions that need to be experienced in the body, you may not be able to access these sensations for awhile. Keeping going. This leads us to our last step…

  5. Trust the timing of the Universe (ask for guidance and reassurance when you need it)

    You may experience situations during this time that you want to deem as unfavorable, but really, these experiences are just showing you how the ego is still in charge and what needs healing. From a “higher” perspective, it’s truly “all good”. Along your death journey, ask for guidance and support from your spirit guide team, be it angels, deceased loved ones, ascended souls, animals, etc. Notice who or what shows up in your life. Maybe you find a teacher, therapist, or friend, or maybe the right book or podcast appears holding just the information you were seeking. You may ask for signs that you’re on the right path, and look for synchronicities (like angel numbers). Most importantly, and once again, be patient. In a human body, it’s usually impossible to see the intricacies of life and how we affect one another, or one situation (no matter how small) is the catalyst for something else. Remember that saying “love is patient”? That’s true. That is trust. Only fear is ever in a rush. The peace and healing you are seeking will come as long as you hold the intention in your heart. Even though the path may be unclear, all you have to do is follow the breadcrumbs and keep putting one foot in front of the other. As Rumi said, “As you start to walk the way, the way appears.”

Extra exercises to support you on your journey to the underworld:

1. Sit with The Trees
Trees know how to die. Each Autumn, they die externally as their leaves and needles fall to earth. They just. let. go. Softly and gracefully. This is because trees don’t carry the weight or anxiety of the human ego. And, while our surrendering may not be so graceful, what we can do is notice each thought as it comes up, realize it is not us, exhale and relax the body, and imagine allowing the thought to fall away. This is, in fact, meditation. Tree energy can help support us in this process, especially during the fall and winter, so this is a great practice to take outside.

2. Newborn
When you wake up in the morning, pretend you were just plopped down here. You have no prior conditioning. No expectations. Just be curious about the strange, beautiful world you are in.

3. Free-write
Free-writing has literally been a god-send to me, as it connects me to my higher self and guide team. In your journal, head the page by writing something like “Spirit, what messages do you have for me today?” and then just let your pen flow, doing your best to avoid conscious thought. Some people find it helpful to write with their opposite hand. The messages may be super simple (and very needed) at first. As you get more familiar with the process, you’ll find it easier to ask specific questions as well.

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Don’t like who you think you are?

You are not who you think you are.

Don’t like your body?

You won’t have it for long, so love it for the ride it’s taking you on.

Want to crawl out of your skin?

Break open. Feel. it. all.

Are you on a path you despise?

Turn towards the unknown.

The totality of who you are cannot be stated by thought. Your soul cannot be confined by the constraints of the ego. In order to know yourself, you must die unto yourself. Only in death can you experience the entirety of yourself. You are infinite. You are Love.

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The Native Language of Trees

Trees will talk…trees want to talk and share their ancient wisdom… to those who are willing to listen.

There is this quote by Jesus that appears several times in the gnostic text, The Gospel of Mary that goes: “Anyone with two ears capable of hearing should listen.” If I may be so bold, I can’t help but wonder if line was slightly misinterpreted, or misunderstood by the reader (me)*. My interpretation is “Anyone with a heart has the ability to hear the truth.”

If you want to speak to trees, plants, or animals, you have to know how to speak and understand the language of the heart. The heart speaks and listens through sensations, felt-senses, love, contraction and expansion. The messages are only subtle because our minds are so full of chatter. Yet the language of the heart is the only one we were born with…all other languages we were constructed and taught. Some languages bloomed from the heart, and some were created as distractions from it.

How do we get back to our native heart language? Obviously, we must learn how to detach from our mind and meditation is a practice great for this. Another practice that you can apply, perhaps at a holiday meal, that was taught to me by Obi-wan (my teacher), is to track the energy of a conversation over the words. Is your uncle talking from a place of love or fear? If he is speaking from fear, can you find compassion and empathy?…because my guess is you’ve been there too. And if the energy is too negative, can you give yourself the grace to walk away and go sit by a tree? Close your eyes, breathe into your heart, and listen to the heart teachings of the Tree.

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I think a lot of people are familiar with Simard’s Ted Talk, but if not, I highly recommend it to learn how tree’s literally talk to eachother (I’d compare this to spoken language): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=breDQqrkikM 

However, what I’m even more fascinated with now on my journey is the electromagnetic wavelengths and energies of Nature and our brains: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zJRdQGlZzI (I’m also a big Lisa Miller fan)

*There are actually a few passages in The Gospel of Mary that I would have misunderstood without translation and understanding of what was meant. For example, when “the mind” is talked about, Jesus nor Mary are talking about the ego mind, but the Higher Mind. I found @megganwatterson‘s book Mary Magdalene Revealed extremely helpful for this.

**The pictured Cottonwood is nearly 120 years wise.

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