therapy – A Dog and Her Girl

People don’t actually kill themselves. Nor do they kill other people. Thoughts kill people.

Now that I’ve got your attention, let me explain.

For many people, there is no separation between their thoughts and themselves. In fact, many people still believe the Rene Descartes quote “I think, therefore I am.” Just because something sounds good, doesn’t mean we should listen… (Descartes has a few other bad theories, such as “The Great Chain of Being.”)

We are not our thoughts. If we were our thoughts, we wouldn’t realize we were having them*. Many of our thoughts, mostly automatic, come from the ego (fear-based) mind. The ego mind was created in infancy and further developed in childhood, born out misattuned love: trauma, the times caregivers ignored our needs, abuse, and systems that measure success by achievement, etc. Because our caregivers couldn’t always protect us or be there to help us feel and soothe the emotions in our bodies, our minds kicked in. Our minds developed equations like: “If I do xyz, then dad will be proud of me.” If I never do that, then mom won’t yell at me.” “If things always go this way, nothing bad will ever happen.” “If I achieve this, then I’ll be enough.” These types of equations are bound to fail.

_{*Michael A. Singer writes in depth on this topic.}

Yet without the separation between Self and thought, our ego-minds (and remember, the thoughts from our ego mind developed when we were kids) run the show, oftentimes getting stronger and stronger year after year. This is the same as saying that fear (of not being enough, being abandoned, or not feeling lovable) and negative thought cycles take the lead. With negative thoughts comes uncomfortable emotions, such as more fear, sadness, and anger. Again, because no one taught us how to feel our emotions, we suppress them…until we can’t anymore. Some people will internalize these emotions (at this point, we can really use the word “shame”), and some will externalize*. This is the difference between suicide and murder.

_{*Thank you to my Naropa professor Max Woodfin who first explained this occurrence to me, which allowed me to further extrapolate.}

Let’s back up for a moment and take things back to childhood.

I know I gave a pretty brief explanation (but hopefully simple enough that its understandable) of how thoughts come into formation, yet I hope its obvious on why it should be of upmost importance that mindfulness and mental health is taught in schools. If we can teach kids that during hard times, when their thoughts start spiraling in negative circles and they’re beating themselves up about not being good enough, that they are not their thoughts, we could save hundreds of lives each year. All it takes is a few simple mental-emotional tools to let the thoughts and big emotions pass, especially because it is the urgency and intensity of negative thoughts and big emotions that lead to self-harm and suicide. Any type of delay that allows the energy to pass will help, be it a tool like meditation or a suicide prevention hotline. (Teenagers are especially susceptible because of brain development during this time period. Watch the teenage brain episode of the Netflix documentary: The Mind, Explained for more information.)

This is why willpower has nothing to do with suicide or addiction. When our minds are in control, we don’t realize that there is another option, another choice. Our internal vision is literally obscured by thoughts and the intensity of emotions they produce.

During one of my own anxious-depressive spirals, in the midst of all my chaotic thoughts, my training allowed for a new thought to come in,”My thoughts are going to kill me.” This awareness snapped me out of it. I realized then that this was how we lost Robin William, Anthony Bourdain, and a loved-by-all college professor at Naropa (my graduate school). Their minds took over, and the fight got too exhausting to continue. But its not a fight when we realize the voices in our minds are not us, just shadows that can be dissolved in the light of truth.

And here’s the tougher part for me to talk about (only because we’ve created so much division among ourselves on the topic)…

This is where I believe some type of middle ground can be found between the seemingly opposing parties on the gun control debate (although all everyone really wants is safety, especially for our kids). The truth is, people don’t kill people. And as much as the part of me that identifies as liberal doesn’t want to say this, guns don’t kill people either. Thoughts kill people. Or, more specifically, unconscious, fear (and shame) – based thoughts of the ego mind, which, for the added reminder, is working off a toddler’s “logical” intelligence.

The reason gun control laws should be in place that require the buyer/owner of a certain age and for there to be a time period between the buying and acquiring of the gun is because of the intensity and immediacy of suicidal and murderous thoughts. While of course there are exceptions to this (I highly dislike outlier debates), the time period between thought and action gives space for the energy to pass and new thoughts to form. Pause and intervention can save lives.
(Automatic/unconcious thoughts and automatic weapons are an obvious lethal combination that I won’t dive into full detail on here.)

The other piece I want to humanize is that those humans who own guns for safety purposes…which other humans who label* themselves as “liberal” also want to villainize… experience the pain of being human too. Many who also thought to use the weapon they own for their own demise. While maybe this accentuates the lethality of guns, I say this to actually highlight our shared connection. We are all human. And to be human is to experience suffering. The suffering only ends when we can transcend the differences that keep us separate (and birth fear/shame-based thoughts) and realize that we are all more alike than different.

To summarize: We are not are thoughts. We are all connected.

If there is ever a part of you that wants to die, please realize that it is just a part (refer to Internal Family Systems). Its a part formed by the ego-mind and created a false identity of you. What is most likely happening is that part is no longer serving you, and your Higher Self might be want to come back to the forefront. In short, what is happening is called a request for an “ego death”…it can be uncomfortable or outright painful. I highly, highly recommend working with some type of therapist at this point, and there are many books and podcasts that cover this topic as well. Remember that you are always, always loved.

My book: Light & Dark: Reflections on the Human Experience

That is one good thing about this world… there are always sure to be more springs. -L.M. Montgomery

Let me start out by saying that changing, growing, and expanding is hard. Sometimes really hard. It can be painful. (The term “growing pains” is accurate beyond our school-aged growth spurts.) It’s certainly not always fun. But the journey is always worthwhile.

When a new client walks into my office at my private practice the first thing I always try to acknowledge is how brave they are. In a society that values independence and a bootstraps attitude, asking for help takes courage. Additionally, being willing to look at ourselves, our behaviors, and our wounds can be scary and a brave undertaking. It’s the most beautiful adventure that I have been honored enough to witness in other human beings.

The season of spring brings change and growth to the forefront, both in nature and inside of us, if we are willing to look.

The older I get, the more I feel the change of each season inside of me. I also recognize it regularly in my counseling practice. In summer, there’s an internal sensation of energetic being, exploration, and an allowing of the present self. Fall is often a time when we recognize a time of letting go as well as harvesting our resources as we prepare ourselves for an internal winter. During the winter months, we switch for a need to reflect, hibernate, and go deeper inside of ourselves. Winter, as dark and cold as it may be, is usually when I see deeper wounds start to heal. Then out of the darkness comes spring. A time for new life and new energy, but this path is rarely linear. There’s usually a movement and release, and then we hit a rock (or a snowstorm) and need to pause and reroute. This might happen a few times before the growth turns into a blossoming.

How do we work with the changes, growth spurts, and growing pains of spring?

We embrace it all. We tend to ourselves as we would tend to a garden. Knowing that growing isn’t easy, we weed out what no longer serves or nourishes us. We think of the things we need to support our upward rising. Is it more connection with friends, a dose of self-compassion, more time outside, or even more time inside? Acceptance of where we are at in the process is also key. Some people are more like Pasqueflowers that bloom in early spring. Others are like Colorado Columbines who need all spring to deepen their roots before they burst into the light of summer. We don’t judge the flowers for when they bloom, but love them whether we get to see their beauty in April or July. We must do the same for ourselves.

Spring Mental Health Practices

Yourself as Garden

Similar to the above process, imagine your internal journey as a garden. What are you growing? Does it need some more time safe from the elements in a greenhouse, or is it ready for exposure and testing outside? What are the potential blocks to growth? Is there anything that needs weeding out? What nutrients (positive care) do you need to support your growth?

If You Were a Tree (or Flower)

If you were a tree, what type of tree would you be. Why? What characteristics of the tree do you possess? What characteristics would you like to possess?

Adding Intention

As the weather (slowly) starts to warm, you may be naturally finding yourself outside more, going for hikes, sipping your morning coffee on your deck, taking your dog for walks more often. Is there a way you could make these acts a little more meaningful? For example, is your morning coffee now a way to greet a new day? Your hike a time to connect with the earth? Or your dog walk a time to let go of the stressors of the day and find freedom in your movement? A little bit of intention can go a long way.

Tag: therapy

Thoughts That Kill

Spring: Embracing Change