[Personal note: I wrote this after an evening where I accidentally (re: reactively) clicked on an ex lover’s Instagram page, and was -re-triggered all over again. All the ways I had felt uncared for, unloved. The “why couldn’t he be brave and take a step towards me?” “Why do I still love him?” These were more feelings than thoughts, as logically I knew some of the answers. This was followed by a night of fitful rest. In the morning, I woke up thinking “I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to feel this way.” And hence, I added “be my own best partner” to my intentions of serenity and healing. Feeling my emotions of sadness, anger, and fear had helped. It was an essential step in step. They moved enough to create an opening, and opening to want and choose something else. This led to the practice below (with some insight from Louise Hay).]
Most of our versions and definitions of love are constricted. Even if we don’t fully understand this concept (I currently can only tap into it from time to time) we can find peace in knowing that love is so much more expansive than our current, limited view.
When grieving a breakup, or feeling lonely, we often think we’re grieving that person (and I won’t totally rule that out) or that imaginary “perfect” partner, but usually we’re grieving how that person made us feel…or rather, how we want or think a partner would make us feel: loved, enough, fulfilled, complete.
Next time you find yourself missing or yearning for someone, imagine how you think you’d feel if that person were around right then. Actually, let’s try it right now. Feel the sensations in your body, just as if that person were there. This can be an ex-partner from a recent break up whom you still miss, or an imaginary “perfect” partner. What do you notice in your body? Do your muscle relax? Do you feel comforted, like you can breath deeply? Do you feel cared for? Do you feel seen, heard, and understood? Do you feel like you’re enough? Do you feel warm, knowing that you are loved?
Voila! You just created those feelings. Your Higher Self knows that you’re loved and you can provide that nurturance, care, and love for yourself. Sure, it’s nice to have someone and be able to give and receive that love with someone else, but you don’t need someone else to give you all that. And no one else will be able to give you all of that, all the time, beside you. You yourself have everything you need inside of you, sometimes it just takes some digging to access that (and may require more time to fully access it, but this exercises can still provide a start). You can be your own best partner.
- Check in with your body. Name the sensations. Then the emotions. Are you feeling lonely? Sad? Scared that you’re not enough. (I add this step in here because it’s important we validate our emotions.).
- Lean into the feelings of how you think you’d feel if they were in the room with you. Or, simply consider how you want to feel. (If that’s challenging for you, imagine your Higher Self, or Inner Parent, hugging your Inner child.) Start to feel the love and warmth, and linger there for a bit. Realize that you can, and actually just did, create those feelings for yourself.
(Okay, my dog is also my best partner.)