Just like them (Part 1)

Hitler.
Putin.
Trump.

These men, I am just like them.
They blame,
I shame.
I internalize my hate,
They externalize their pain.
Me and these men,
we are all the same.  

Each of these men,
lives inside my head.  

Trump, he doesn’t really bother me anymore.
His bigotry is so outrageous, 
I can easily call out his show. 

Putin scares me a little more.
So charming and so smart.
He makes me doubt myself, 
his lies so carefully contrived.
Yet void of love,
equals void of truth.

Hitler…
I dare not tell my parents how many times…
how many times he has tried to annihilate my life.
Just as he slayed his own innocence, his own artist,
he dangerously threatens mine. 

Hope.
The darkness consumes.
So close…
Then another part beckons…
a dog…
a friend…
some distant light within.

Keep going.
You are meant to be here.  
Love is on your side. 
The darkness cannot win.
You will shine.

****

(This is part of a much longer poem that I’ve been thinking about but procrastinating on since December.)

Sometimes, my own shame response astounds me in its inappropriateness, even when it consumes me. I spent days feeling shame around a favorite picture of me that a wonderful photographer had taken because I did not wear my favorite bracelet, which was in my pocket. I felt shame after having an amazing outing with Pacer, after realizing I double hit “record” and did not get the video of me skiing with her running free behind me. Sometimes I even get this feeling when I know I’ve made the right decision, it’s just not the one that boosts my ego. And I KNOW it’s ridiculous. Well part of me does. The rest of the voices in my head berate me in various ways: that was so dumb, go back and do it again, be better, try harder, you’re obviously not enough. While I am exhausted by my healing journey and the work I’ve put into it, I can feel my closeness to it. I know there’s a few more feelings to feel, a few more parts to witness, a few more thoughts to observe and walk past. If there ever was a lie, it’s shame, the ultimate but not un-permeable block to love and truth.