"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ." – The Little Prince
I try to cling to the air that always seems to escape my lungs too soon.
My mind races. My heart leaps.
I press my hands to my center to make sure that it is still there beating inside still keeping me alive
even if part of me wants to…
I continue to struggle. I grasp at the oxygen barely trickling in.
Inhale. Exhale.
Rise. Fall.
Crawl.
Slow. Eyes closed.
Tears fall. I wipe my cheeks and the blurriness from my eyes.
I see a little clearer. It was another nightmare, after all.
*****
A panic attack is akin to the feeling of claustrophobia- being trapped inside a coffin, the soul suffocating inside the constraints, the cafe, of a fearful mind. To the person experiencing a panic attack, there is no way out. No escape. The dirt piles on. The only option is to surrender to exhaustion, or… …to breathe so deeply into the center of your heart that the soul rises above the body, above the stories, above the pain. Back to truth.
****
While there is no single statistic, it is estimated that around 10-25% of people have experienced a panic attack in their life. I have. Many of my clients have.
So I write this to bring empathy. To bring understanding to the experience. Of feeling like you’re alive, but 6 feet under, with no chance of escape.
And, while there IS an escape, or really, a path to freedom… it’s not a snap of the fingers, just be normal and get up kind of thing.
It’s gradual. It’s subtle. It’s a journey for the body that has experienced trauma, pain, and general unsafely to come back to a deeper knowing that, regardless what happens, all is well. To a foundation of love and security. A return to the soul.
Help and support can come in different ways.
If you’re a partner, a friend, or family member reading this, you can help someone regulate their nervous system simply taking your own deep breaths and not leaving their side (obviously, you get to have boundaries too!).
A partner can hold their loved on, put a hand on their heart, and take slow deep breaths.
A friend can offer a hug, hold their friends hand, sit shoulder to shoulder, or simply be on the other end of the phone, not talking.
This is essentially mimicking what so many of us never had… a parent with their own, calm nervous system unconditionally loving us as infants, toddlers, kids, teens embracing us in our own big emotions. Not having this is the first trauma we experience.
Help take care of them while they rest. Cook for them. Clean their living space. Do the things that they could never ask for, because they don’t believe they deserve it. Personally speaking, I know I always needed that kind of rest that only love provides, but I was always fighting just to keep up with life. (Panic attacks are often linked with depression and/or anxiety. They are not contagious. They are not a disease. But yes, do treat your loved one with the same care as you would with a physical illness.)
If you’re alone… put a hand on your own heart. Do you’re best to let go of though (again- do your best, I know how hard it is) and slow down your breathing. You can also envision a loved one near you, and angel with their arms around your, or, my new favorite, the Divine Mother holding you…now, and as an infant, her simple touch reminding you of who you are. A spark of Light, a child of the Divine.
I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention the healing power of animals and the simple soothing technique of slowly stroking their fur, or placing a hand on their heart center and breathing deeply, allowing their unconditional love to help you regulate. And of course, please seek professional guidance and allow someone to help you heal your wounds.
Celebration and mourning. Light and dark. Beauty and pain. Death and birth.
I hold it all.
(Okay, really, sunsets, mountains, and dogs are the language of my soul.)
***
I love how a few clouds at sunset can make the whole sky explode. Magenta, orange, purple. A firework turning shadows into ornaments of light.
Our lives, sprinkled with hardship and pain, making this life worth living. Grief. Joy. Love. In the shade, we find a way to shine. And so, the light and dark, dance across the sky.
And dads could protect their families by putting down their guns.
I wish humans
children of the light
could laugh, run, play
knowing their vulnerability, their innocence, was safe.
I wish we knew
the power we harness
when we forgive ourselves for
past mistakes
and allow Love to heal all.
Sometimes i wish the world made a little more sense…
I will forever shed a thousand tears and feel fully enraged driving past the slaughter farms of eastern Colorado and watching the cow-sentient beings Aushwitz trucks drive by.
And body will always feel the pain of another woman being slain in the name of love.
(I started writing this post before the tragedy In Minnesota- bot these pains, all the pains, feel true in my heart. Perhaps, as Martin Pretchl famously preached in his speech Grief and Praise, it is the job of empaths, the job of healers, namely woman identified people, to publicly grieve so we can all tend our hearts. Then push ourselves off the ground once again, and continue are march not with guns and hate, but with the power of broken hearts and love expanded.)
What I think is important for all of us to understand is the battle we are fighting isn’t out there, even if it appears to be. It’s inside of us. * *This is why the title of Steve Magness’s newest book Win the Inside Game is so brilliant.
This theme of dark and light, showcased in all our favorite books and movies: Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Wars, The Chronicles of Narnia…these battles are all happening within our minds. Our heads have always been the projector playing these movies onto the big screen of life. These battles may appear “out there”, but the war that really matters is within. Which is why I’ll add another book/movie favorite to the list, Alice and Wonderland, which I’ll write a bit more about in a few paragraphs.. We all, if we so choose, get to go on our own hero’s, or heroine’s journey.
Recently, I’ve heard a differentiation between the hero’s and heroine’s journey. From my perspective, they’re not that different, but manifest differently because of the female embodiment. At the essence of both, we are reclaiming the divine feminine. After all, isn’t this the whole point of Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code?* The woman reclaims herself** . The man learns to honor, to surrender to, the part of himself he rejected. Non-binary people are viewed with the utmost respect, having already harmonized themself in the two energies. We see the oppressor for what it is: fear. Fear and the stories our mind creates around the emotion. We hear the siren’s call (The Odyssey) but learn not to turn towards it. We fight not with weapons, but with our hearts. If fear is the opposite of love, it cannot remain standing in the face of Love’s light. *While I admittedly only read part of the book, this is also the point of Brian C. Maruresku’s historical research and book, The Immortality Key: The Secret History of the Religion with No Name. *Recommended read: The Girl Who Baptized Herself by Meggan Watterson
As we reclaim the divine feminine within- our inner knowing, our truth, our love- we watch as our inner dictators lose power. We know, and begin to understand, this ancient truth: “As within, so without.” “As above, so below.” (Hermetic Principle). “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven..” -John Milton, Paradise Lost. And of course, “The kingdom of God is within you.” – Jesus, The Bible (Luke 17:20-21) My guess is that you can see, if you’ve done any inner reflection, how the characters in your brain often seem to play out in the world. Donald Trump is no worse than my inner critic. I have dated too many guys with chauvinistic and covertly manipulative tendencies. Yet I also have my trusty sidekick and great love, my dog, by my side. I literally have an Obi-Wan who guides me (Reiki Master & Mindfulness Coach) and Galadriel (my therapist, with a touch of Ginny Weasley). (I swear, my Reiki teacher and therapist look just like these “fictional” characters). My own dad, who first gave me his old, dusty copy of Lord of the Rings before I entered the hospital for an eating disorder in 7th grade, possesses wizardry no short of Professor Dumbledore, or Gandolf, twinkle in eye and sense of humor in hand. Who are these characters in your own life?
As the battle reaches its peak, we see the contrast heighten: the female is repressed and shunned, called a liar or a witch. Darkness seems to grow as authoritative power seems to increase- in response to fear of being defeated. Again, this is the war within our own minds. And it is here that we must believe in our ability to conquer. Not with maleficence, for we need our minds, but with clear seeing, forgiveness, and love. This is also where most of us want to give up, to turn back. We question our worth and our abilities. While I rarely admit this out loud, I have said to Obi-Wan, “I don’t think I can win.” My own programming- my own darkness- felt too strong. We all ask ourselves, “Who am I?”. I think of the tiny hobbit, Frodo, trying to admit defeat, “I can’t do this, Sam.” Alice (Through the Looking Glass, Lewis Carrol) doubting her ability to slay the Jabberwocky, the incessant inner critic of her mind*. But this is where our team comes in- love- the ghost of Harry’s parents as he duels Voldemort, Sam replying to Frodo, “..Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something… That there’s some good in this world.” It’s the call to my sister when I need help finding a better thought. My therapist letting me know how much I have grown. Obi-wan always seeing the best in me, when I only see the worst. And in the name of love (or doG), we say, “I am not afraid. I was born to do this.”, proclaiming like Joan of Arc, the brave heart warrior archetype we all possess, even though we may be shaking. *Not being able to ignore the synchronicities, which are, according to psychotherapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, and author, Carl Jung, signs you’re on the right path, I finally decided to go on a psilocybin/psychedelic journey- I was in the safety of therapist’s office and guided by friends. While I was hoping to give my Default Mode Network some help, a common experience for many “journeyers” (although perhaps slightly exaggerated in Michael Pollan’s otherwise informative book/documentary, How to Change Your Mind– admittedly, another half read for me) part of my message is that I still need to be the one to do it, to experience my own power. However, what I was shown was why I experience so much inner pain, a glimpse at some of my gifts, and a big nudge that I needed to trust myself enough to use them.
The journey, if we choose to say “yes’ to it, is hard. Arduous. We hope it lasts but a few hours, maybe days, growing wearing when it lasts for years. We’ll get bloody and grow weary. We’ll want to give up. Keep going. Look up at the night sky, and a shooting star will remind us a loved one is near. A friend, or perhaps a dog, will remind us that Love will never leave our side. And even if we die in the pursuit, in that Love, we will always find safety. That makes us brave. We may wander, but we are not lost. There is purpose to our journey. There is good, there is gold, there is doG worth fighting for. We realize that we are the Hero/ine of your story, even if just a mere human. And somehow, in that acceptance, we realize who we truly are.
We reclaim what we thought was stolen and burned, but was in fact, only hidden. We forgive our minds, because they were doing the best they could with what they perceived was gone. We embrace. We find the lost pages of Mary Magdalene’s gospel (I highly recommend Mary Magdalen Revealed by Meggan Waterson). We fill that hole, that void we’ve been trying to fill all our lives. Discovering that that too, Love, has always been within. We are Love, Herself.*
We come back Home.
*This, of course, is why the last Star Wars movie had to be women led.
****
Below is a channeled message. A good friend (“Obi-Wan”) has been gently encouraging me to share more of my gift of channeling, so here it is:
You are so loved. Your mind is trying hard to maintain power- it’s dictatorship.
You are bigger, you are stronger.
Keep going.
This is an opportunity for you to know your true power.
It is not the mistakes you make that matter, even if it was your mind (brain’s programming) that caused you to make them. It is how you talk to yourself after, how you love or judge yourself.
You are becoming Love. You are Love.
This is your battle to win.
Not through opposing dictatorship but through love, compassion, and forgiveness.
You win by clear seeing.
Dictatorship runs off of fear. Its voice is loud but you are stronger. You are more magnificent.
You have the power to lay down your weapons, knowing you cannot fight your mind into submission, and to see your oppressive voice for what it is: f.e.a.r. (false evidence appearing real).
You can love the fear, the scared child, back into wholeness, while quieting the siren’s call (turning away from the voices in your head).
The battle is within. To be fought with love and clear seeing.
By standing in your truth, firmly and defiance-
You (we) are Ray of Light.
*** (I thought this was worth sharing in full)
Frodo: “I can’t do this, Sam.”
Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness, and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it’ll shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?
Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo…and it’s worth fighting for.”
I like to define sensitivity as being highly attuned to both the external world and one’s internal world, which includes feeling one’s experience of it.
And really, we are all sensitive. Science shows us that our brains and bodies are constantly getting information from our environment, more stimuli than they were designed to handle, hence why training our attention is so important, or our brain will always default to the (often) perceived threat. If we have an unprocessed emotion like fear, the mind will create a negative belief by connecting past memories and weaving them together in a story-like structure, all designed to keep us safe- and it probably did, as a kid. As an adult, that negative belief is most likely our cage.
Furthermore, we all have thousands of thoughts per day! (I’m not going to get into the scientific debate on exactly how many.) Most of us walk around completely unaware of our thoughts, which allows our subconscious to control our day without us knowing. This is while practices like mindfulness mediation and a parts work, which can help us explore and uproot negative beliefs, are so important. But back to the point of this post…
We are all sensitive beings. It’s part of being human. Some of us are just more sensitive than others, perhaps because of childhood trauma, which causes a child to become either hyper or hypoaroused (hypersensitivity helps a child be alert to their surroundings as a safety mechanism while hyposensitivity would help a child numb any sensitivity, a useful survival mechanism if they can not control what is happening to them or around them.)* Or, we may be genetically, or perhaps energetically, more sensitive. Oftentimes, it’s both: a combination of childhood experiences and a personal attribute.
*We could also describe hyper as anxiety or ADHD and hypo as depression. It’s also common to see the two together, experiencing both anxiety and depression. If you’re tracking and know a bit about psychology, you’re probably realizing that this could appear as a bipolar diagnosis as well. I also had a professor in graduate school, Duey Freeman, describe anxiety as asking the question “Is it safe to be me?” and depression as “It’s not safe to be me.” So, another possible way of looking at this is the anxious feeling is actually the true self wanting to be released, with depression continually coming in as protection saying, “No, it’s not safe for you in this world.”
A highly sensitive individual is HIGHLY attuned to their external environment and internal world and feels it all, deeply. They are not only computing other people’s tone and facial reactions, their own and others (including animals) emotions, thoughts, past experiences, and the energy around them, but also ancestral lineage, stories and unhealed pains that have interwoven themselves throughout times*, messages from the spirit world, and a deep desire to heal.
*Here, I’ll include Carl Jung’s idea of the Collective Unconscious and Eckhart Tolle’s description of the universal Pain Body.
At least in part, I believe this makes the case that the problem is not emotions or sensitivity, but living in an emotionally unintelligent world that resists emotions (energy) rather than embracing them. Embracing emotions means we’re allowing more energy into our body, increasing our power (energy), and opens our hearts to not only our own pain but the suffering of others-humans and animals alike- as well.
Most highly sensitive individuals have to learn how to numb in some way because not only is all the information overwhelming to the human brain and at times painful, but because it is tragically undervalued and undernourished.
If you are an adult reading this and resonating with this message, your work now is to: – Nourish yourself: Embrace and nurture (offer compassion) to all the emotions that you had to suppress as a child to fit into your family, friend groups, church, or society at large. This includes loving your protector parts that you don’t like (like a perfectionist part or inner judge) because it most likely formed when it was not safe for you to shine and be your true, confident, sensitive self. Once your hidden gifts (sensitivities often come with deep intuition, connection to spirit guides, or healing powers) start to emerge, nurture them too as if you were nurturing an infant. We can only grow into our gifts, and who we are truly meant to be, through love. -Value your gifts: This will take some bravery at first. You will doubt yourself and ask “Who am I to do this/be this/offer this?” Remember, those voices are just protector parts that you can offer compassion and safety as you move forward. (Go slow. If you overdo it, the protector parts won’t feel safe and cling on stronger.) Keep practicing. Keep going. Find other highly sensitive individuals who are stepping into their gifts too, and cheer each other on. The best thing about living in 2025 is knowing there are others out there to connect with. Personally, I most appreciate working with my therapist (a fellow Naropa Alumni) as well as my Reiki coach/friend, and energetically connecting with my dog. I’ve also been part of Lee Harris’ Portal Community and follow many other healers and intuitives like Sarah Landon and Gabi Kovalenko. You belong. You were meant to be right here, right now.
“What is it that gets in the way of us, human-spirits, living our highest potential?”*
Lack of love for ourselves, self-hate, thinking we are not enough, that we are broken- these beliefs are all childlike energies stuck in our psyche, manifested in the body, and buried beneath layers of neuro-wiring. These beliefs need nurtured back to love, so they can return to the light. It is through consistent nurturance and compassion, being shown and not just told they are safe, that these young energies can release the mental myths they clinged to and naturally be reformulated and reconceptualized into Truth. With Love as our base- then, we can be BRAVE. We can venture out into the unknown- towards the destiny blocked by the egoic eye- to the potential that lies beyond the shadows.
As always, Love is the answer.
* I received the message recently that I was meant to share, and trust, more of my intuitive gifts, gifts that are still very much in the infancy stage due to undernourishment (after all, I did grow up in the Catholic Church where only men were allowed to preach) and often being passively shunned throughout my life (still, so many men don’t want to receive messages from women). With that, not everyone will get these messages, and that’s okay- they might not be for you. Those meant to read these messages will most likely be others who identify as seekers, highly sensitive people, empaths, wanderers, spiritual enthusiasts, people who don’t feel like they quite fit in, and those who love beyond ordinary measures.
(Psychology note: A classic example used in Attachment Theory is a child at a playground. A child that has a secure attachment (a child who feels loved unconditionally and knows a parent is there supporting them) will feel both more brave to venture out into the playground to explore and, yes, PLAY, but also to know his/her/their current limits and to wait to say, try the monkey bars, until they feel more ready to do so.)
I’m not sure how many more times Pacer and I will get to hike this section, one of our favorites, on the Colorado Trail/Collegiate West… The first time we hiked the Alpine Tunnel was with Sandi and Sage 10 years ago, just after we moved to Colorado. Then, 2 months later, we hiked through it again as we backpacked our way across the state. This year, we’ve been lucky enough to visit various parts of this trail 4 times, twice with Sandi and Sage (the best!). This time, I was just so grateful to have it all to ourselves, with Pacer getting to frolic and sniff freely while I watched, cried, and howled.
Crying and howling (howling feeling much more primal and alive in me than simply screaming) have almost become a staple of mine this year, bringing some relief to my grief and fear, while shadow/protector parts roared inside my head, parts that may have stayed more hidden in the dark if I didn’t have such intense love for a dog pouring through my veins. And as painful as these parts are, they needed to come to the light so I could see them.
As just a friend dreamed (visioned), Pacer is guiding me through and bringing me home, as I swirl through the darkness and play with various healing modalities, some that I never thought I would. I’ve gathered more humans on my team, and was almost overwhelmed as two of mentors, with tears in their eyes, told me how proud of me they were this week…not for doing well in sports or getting straight As, but for simply being me. Intuitive, sensitive, and weird.* It’s all be quite an adventure, really. And, while my mind wants to tell me how I messed things up or tell me where I should have been more perfect, underneath that, my heart is telling me it’s all been beautiful, too. It’s conscious, minute by minute choice, to drop allegiance to my mind and pledge allegiance to heart. Eventually, perhaps, my mind will become a faithful servant. Or perhaps it will be a continual process of observation- acknowledging the thought and accepting it without condition, while choosing my own way. Allowing my heart chakra to expand- holing the love, pain, and grief- the beauty of it all. Eventually knowing, even if only on my deathbed, it will all be alchemized back to its original source.
Sometimes love doesn’t move mountains in the way we think it will. Sometimes it comes first as a roaring river, crushing us and bringing us to our knees. It cleanses us of our fear and false beliefs before rebuilding us, giving us a new foundation to stand on and an opportunity to become whole. We are gifted with a new chance to deepen our roots in the love that created us and the truth of who we are. We rise upward, connected and grounded, in a love that sets us free.
When your high schooler fucks up, when they make a mistake- because they will. Because they are human. Because their brain is still 10 years from being fully developed and now they have an increase hormones flooding their brains and bodies (it’s really as if teenager were designed to make mistakes at this period in their lives) and their in this weird liminal space between childhood and adulthood and they occupy an even stranger place called high school for half their day- love them. If you can do that, they will know unconditional love. And you have created a more successful path for them than any class ever could.
***
One of my cousins started her freshman year of high school this year. While I considered texting this advice to her parents, I’m decided it would be best not to give unsolicited advice. So I figured I’d write it out and share it with you all instead.
This advice, when a teen makes a mistake- be it getting an F, getting drunk, denting the car, etc.- is really true for a kid at any age. Mistakes are a huge and IMPORTANT part of growing. Mistakes show us what to do and what not to do and help us align to our values as well as to our highest selves. And, as mentioned above, it’s like teens are designed to make mistakes. Which makes a lot of sense in this very transitory time in their lives, as they figure out what they enjoy and the person they want to develop into as an adult.
With so much grace and respect to parents, a lot of us were taught that discipline*, yelling, and shame were the best ways to help shape a kid. But here’s what actually happens when we get mad or tell a kid “I’m so disappointed in you” when they make a mistake: We put their still developing brains into survival mode*, which floods their growing bodies with cortisol and other stress hormones, causing them to sink into depression or become passive and a people please so they stay on your “good side”***( freeze & fawn), become defensive and yell back (fight), or run away, either physically or finding escape in addictions or other activities that may appear good, but can be founded in perfectionism and obsession (flee).
*I’m not saying there is no action to be taken, but I’ll write more on that later.
*We enter survival mode anytime we feel unsafe. This means any time we perceive loving being taken away, because the primal brain translates this into the potential of being ostracized from our tribe (or family).
***You may initially enjoy a “people-pleaser” child, but what you’re really promoting is an adult that will get walked over by others and have no boundaries, that can lead to extremely unhealthy relationships.
We also know that when teens make mistakes they are either 1) genuine mistakes or 2) they are already in fear. Again, when we are in survival mode, it is nearly impossible to make the optimal choice. The functioning of our prefrontal cortex is reduced, our amygdala is turned on, and our brains and bodies are being pumped with stress hormones. What love, compassion, and curiosity does is help a teen regulate back into their parasympathetic nervous system, which means that when you return to the conversational piece, you’ll actually be able to have a conversation without an argument but with understanding. It allows the child to know they are loved UNCONDITIONALLY. That even when they are not perfect, they are still loved. When we know unconditional love, we live from a space of worthiness. We make good decisions and live a life aligned with our values. We’re healthy. We thrive. Of course we want that for our teens! So, when your child sneaks out at 1am with the keys to your new car and brings it back with a huge dent (which is less likely to happen if unconditional love has always been your parenting style- and please practice self-forgiveness if not, because truly, YOU DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER*), first (after taking a few deep breaths yourself), give them a hug. We know that in order to sneak out, they were probably trying to feel move love and connection with their friends, seeking it from the outside because it was under sourced on the inside. They’re probably terrified of you upsetting you and losing the more conditional love that they already get from you. Let them know they are loved. They are safe.
Then, once you know they’re nervous system is regulated (look for deep breathing and a calm demeanor) truly get curious and ask about their behavior or the mistake they made. Reflect not only their words but how they are feeling. It’s probably not the time to share your own stories, but do empathize and try to understand. Finally, if there is a disciplinary action to be taken, have a conversation about it with them first and state your reasoning. You might be surprised… they might actually agree with you.
Then love them more.
* “I’m disappointed in you” and “You should know better” are two of the most shaming statements we use on kids, and ourselves. The feeling of shame basically revolves around the belief that we are not worthy of love because we a broken, something is wrong with us, or simply bad. This translates into the belief that if we are imperfect- or human, we don’t deserve love. Again, we want to encourage self-reflection and growth in positive ways. And to nullify the idea that one should know better: kids learn through repetition. It’s actually completely ridiculous of an adult to say this to a small child. While a teen might have a better understanding of right from wrong, they are often motivated by their emotions and beliefs. If we’re frightened or anxious in anyway, our capacity to learn is greatly reduced. I also know if you ever used these statements with your child, they were probably used on you. And you practicing self-compassion with yourself is one of the best gifts you can give your child. Dr. Kristen Neff gives a great example of using self-compassion as a way to help your child grow in her TedTalk:
A Dog and Her Girl 