"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ." – The Little Prince
Grief is the ultimate transformer. We can ignore it, we can shove it down, and we can try to keep ourselves sewn together. Or, we can allow it to break us open.
Open into new dimensions of love.
The brain says grief is about loss. The heart says it’s about allowing yourself to expand into new dimensions beyond the physical body.
When we lose a loved one (human or animal), experience a break up, lose everything, we think “I can’t do this. This grief is too much for me to bear.”
The blessing is we don’t have to hold it alone or keep it within the confines of the physical body. When we surrender to the grief and allow it to move, letting go of the story line, we open up to a power bigger than ourselves, an energy beyond our physical bodies, and energy that allows us to feel all of the grief built up inside of us. And, it is from this higher perspective that we can see more clearly and from this expanded energy we can feel with more clarity, knowing that is was all really Love.
Here, we are reunited with all that we thought was lost and remember the truth of our being.
I started writing this on “Good Friday”, a day of mourning and reflection for many Christians.
That morning, while playing in the annual spring snow storm with my dog in Colorado, I wondered if I could still send my Catholic parents our weekly “Happy FriYay!” text.
After my mom sent a “Good Friday blessings” sticker to the group chat, I again texted my twin sister and again debated the question.
Meanwhile, as my sister and I were texting back and forth, my 13 year old cousin already texted back to the group chat. “Happy FriYay!”, she said.
I admired, in awe.
While baptized and with a few years of PSR (Parish School of Religion) under her belt, my cousin is less indoctrinated into the history of shame I had grown up in, having myself spent K-8th grade in Catholic school.
Historically, today was a day we were supposed to feel guilty, as it was embedded in us that Jesus had died for our sins. And as sinners, we must repent and mourn. I won’t even get into the projection of sins and the psychological effect this has on a 1st grader.
But did Jesus really say we should all mourn and feel the burden of shame for centuries to come?
I’m not an expert in the Bible, but I’m pretty sure there is no passage where Jesus tells someone they are a bad person for making a mistake, to feel shameful, and to go repent and prove they are worthy of God’s forgiveness.
Actually, I’m pretty sure Jesus forgave. Even to those who supposedly killed him, the Bible passage is, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
I’m pretty sure Jesus, having already reached enlightenment as a human, just forgave and kept on preaching compassion and loving your neighbor, no matter what. (Don’t ask me how so few people in the church see the above as “conditional love”, or fear based conditioning. In school, we weren’t supposed to ask questions.)
Before I move on though, let me say I don’t hate organized religion. There’s so much beauty, so much kindness, charity, and healing that can happen just from having a community. And not all religions and churches flip the love script to such a fearful degree. I will also forever be grateful to the Catholic Church for helping my parents find solace and healing after losing siblings, their parents, and then their daughter (my older sister).
What I am saying is, let’s preach real, true, unconditional love. (It’s a little silly that I have to put so many adjectives before the word “love”. Love should just mean love, but sadly it’s been turned on us so many times where it’s become necessary.) This means loving others when they believe different from us, and knowing if God doesn’t have an ego, They probably don’t care what we believe, either. (Personally, I don’t believe in god as a single entity, but the unification of all of us, all consciousness, as One Divine Being.)
Beyond shame for our sins is an acknowledgment of our mistakes of forgetfulness. And by forgetfulness, what I mean is we only act poorly when we’ve forgotten the truth of who we are. If we are from God, if we are a slice of the pie (to paraphrase Wayne Dyer), we are all Rays of Light, made out of pure Love. It’s only when we forget this, believe in scarcity, and that we create and act out of fear. So what is important is realizing that this world has a history of crucifying those who preach Love, being it Jesus or Martin Luther King Jr., as well as leaving women out of the picture as much as possible. And while we’d all like to believe that we would have followed Jesus or MLK, the numbers show that most likely, we wouldn’t have. Which is why it’s so important that we look at our shadows now. The parts of that not only made mistakes and acted out of fear, but the parts of us that believe we’re not enough, that we are not already inherently worthy of all the Love of the Universe.
That leads to the main focus of this sermon: What does it mean to rise?
Which, My Loves, my first be better answered in the question: What does it mean to die?
In spiritual communities, what we often say is that we all have the opportunity to die, often many deaths, before our physical departure. Actually, this is what Nature shows us too, as each seasonal cycle spins from nothingness, to growth, to fullness, and then death, back to nothingness. That is, before a rebirth. The physical body dies, but the energy, the Love, continues.
What if death was simply a letting go of all the parts of us that were created out of forgetfulness, created out of fear? The parts of us that tell us mean stories about ourselves in our head, that like to criticize, and control. The parts of us that act out of greed or that were willing to do anything, just to feel better?
And what if we just forgive all those parts? It wasn’t their fault. They were just going off of the story they were told.
What if we just offer ourselves compassion?
Acknowledging where we slipped up, seeing the wound underneath, and offering to our old selves something like “I know you were doing your best. You just go scared. You believed you weren’t loved. You forgot that you are already Love. It’s okay. I remember now.”
And then we transform and transcend. We see the gifts and talents of our wounded parts. We rise above the stories of our head, the fear-based identities of our egos, and we return Home, back to our True Selves.
This isn’t the story I was told as a kid, but my belief is that Jesus, as well as Mother Mary, and Mary Magdalene, had already died before their deaths. They had already risen above the wounded stories of human kind and remembered that their true form was Light & Love. And so, when Mary Magdalene saw Jesus emerge from the tomb on Easter, it was because she had already attuned herself to the frequency of Love, so that day, she was not only meeting Jesus, but herself as well.
My Loves, if I haven’t made it clear already, we all have the opportunity to rise. Right here, right now.
Yet, it’s okay if it takes some time and some deep inner work. It’s taken me years, and I’m definitely not all the way back Home to myself. And regardless, it’s going to happen. Now, or when your human self is at death’s door. But if it’s possible, why not start your ascent today?
Power is not found in proving your strength. It is not in believing you’re enough. It’s in knowing that you are Love.
***
In the past few weeks, I’ve had the opportunity to learn so much about myself, thanks to following my triggers, and the people who triggered them.
I remembered why I’m afraid to speak up.
I’m a woman. I was taught I’m not supposed to. I’m supposed to play it small, to be humble, to be meek. My place isn’t at the top.
No one spoke up for me.
I reflected on all my past relationships. Some were, blatantly, pretty bad (although never physically abusive). Although one of the bad ones was with a covert narcissist. (I’ve written about that before). Really, it was all so hidden to me, because I couldn’t see my own wounds. Yet finally I realized no one really supported me in my power. Whether it was politics, spirituality, or animal rights, I’d get shut down. There wasn’t a place for my beliefs. My unique view of the world wasn’t accepted, even though I would always at least consider theirs. So I wouldn’t exactly give in, I’d just shut up.
Of course there is strength in reserving your energy for yourself. My belief is, protect your energy about all else. Don’t just give it away to critical people or negative thoughts. But there’s a difference between protecting your energy and dimming your light.
My light, your light, my Love, was meant to shine.
If you feel like your own low beam, ask yourself the question, “Where did I learn to dim my light?” Heal that inner child wound. Be the one speaking up for him/her/them. Then go forth and shine, just as you were designed to do, because you are made of light.
Do you feel like you DO feel your emotions, but they just keep coming and nothing ever gets better?
The key is to BrEathe (be) WITH your emotions, not AS your emotions.
Your own (deep) breath can be what soothes you, like an adult soothing a child (because to the brain, that’s really what is happening). You’re both feeling the emotion AND regulating your nervous system, telling your body that you are safe, and you are safe to feel.
Second, you do have to work with the story. For round one, just pause the story and feel the emotion. After, seek holes in your story. Was that really all your fault? Did that person really cut YOU off on purpose? And even if it is true, is it worth your energy? Is the belief helpful to you? (There of course might be deeper memories to work with and heal here.). What do you actually want to believe? What narrative best supports you?
With all of that, your big emotions still won’t just all go away in round one or two. You’ve probably been repressing emotions for 10, 20, 30, 40+ years. Healing takes some time, but it is just around the corner. Breathe.
In my work as a psychotherapist, I have the pleasure of working with and learning from many artists. One of my clients recently showed me one of his wood carvings, and I was truly, truly amazed. I asked him how he did it. He said he really couldn’t explain how it felt (another energy seemed to take over), but he knew that anytime he had a pre-planned idea in mind of what he thought it should be, it never turned out as good.
I thought, “Wow. What a great metaphor for therapy.” The truth is, most of us are buried beneath stories of who we should be. Therapy is the work of chipping away at those stories, setting free the most authentic version of ourselves.
We are all, individually, masterpieces. Togher, we are part of an even grand tapestry, so big and amazing we can’t even comprehend while in physical form. Much of the tapestry is still covered in shadows. But if you are willing to uncover your own masterpiece within, you invite others to take the covers off their own. When you live your own authentic truth, you naturally set others free as well.
While prescription medication can and sometimes should play a role in managing and recovering from mental health challenges such as depression and anxiety, it’s important to remember that for most people, medication should only be used as a temporary tool in conjunction with therapy and other natural remedies that have been proven equally, if not more effective. With that being said, if you are currently taking medication to help support you with mental challenges, there should be no shame or guilt! Take medication from an empowered stance, knowing you are doing the best you can to support yourself through your healing journey.
Here are other researched and proven techniques to support your mental health:
Nature– Spending time in nature can relieve stress, boost your mood, and help shift your perspective. Nature therapy, or “ecotherapy”, is already a common practice in countries like Japan, where doctors may actually prescribe shinrin-yoku (forest bathing) to patients!
Exercise– Benefits of exercises include: Enhanced mood, reduction of stress and anxiety, improved cognitive function, better sleep,increased energy, and improved self-esteem (just to name a few).
BREATHE– Diaphragmatic, or deep belly breathing (my favorite), box breathing (4 second inhale, 4 second hold,4 exhale, 4 hold), and other box breathing practices help reset your nervous system, switching you from fight or flight (sympathetic) to rest and digest (parasympathetic). Practicing a few minutes of deep breathing or BrEathing with your emotions everyday can be a GAME CHANGER.
Journaling– Free writing, or journaling, is all the rage right now, and for a good reason. Writing from our emotions can help us release suppressed emotions and unlock any subconscious beliefs and blocks that have kept us feeling stuck. (Bonus: After your emotion-based freewriting practice, take another few minutes to write from your Higher Self.)
Play & Creativity: Play and creative activity not only help us express emotions but can take us beyond the rational and logical (and also ruminative) part of our mind and into the part of our mind that allow us to access greater perspectives, new ideas, and access our wholeness. (Bonus: Activities like pickle ball and knitting include “bi-lateral stimulation” of the brain, a technique used in EMDR therapy.)
Sleep: Simply stated, your brain just can’t function properly without enough sleep.
Daily Gratitude Practice: A daily gratitude practice trains your mind (YES, YOU CAN TRAIN YOUR MIND!) to look for the good in life and cultivate emotions of appreciation, love, and abundance…and a release of all those feel good hormones. As you write or think of your list, make sure you pause and tap into the feeling-state.
Whole Foods: Whole, plant-based foods are anti-inflammatory, which is a good thing for both your body and your mind (which of course, are intimately connected). Dark leafy greens, nuts, berries, whole grains, and avocados are especially great. Oh, and we’ll include dark chocolate (72% or more) too!
Connection (time with family, friends, and animals): Connections offer us a sense of belonging, purpose, and support. When we feel supported, we feel safe, and we can relax. Animals count too! We know dog studies have shown a reduction of cortisol and a release of oxytocin.
Meditation: Meditation helps us to detach from our thoughts, helping us realize that our thoughts are just…thoughts. We don’t have to believe them. We can just witness them. (Reminder: There’s no being “good” or “bad” at meditation! It’s a practice. If you notice yourself thinking 10x in 1 minute, the key is you noticed, and that is awesome!)
Spirituality: Having a spiritual practice, which might simply mean believing in something bigger than yourself, has now been shown to be a buffer against depression and foster feelings of connection and purpose. Spirituality can play an important function in how we make meaning out of challenging situations and support us in times of grief. If you’re interested in learning more, I highly suggest reading The Awakened Brain: The New Science of Spirituality and Our Quest for an Inspired Life by Dr. Lisa Miller.
Service: Similar to much of the above, service can decrease feelings of depression and anxiety while increasing feelings of gratitude and a sense of purpose. But the summary is, service gets you out of your head and “little self” and into your heart-based, expansive self. Volunteering is absolutely wonderful, but even something simple, like taking a minute to chat with someone at work who you noticed looks a little down today. You can always choose to BE A LIGHT.
When you’re “in it”, I recommend latching on to a few key phrases that can hold you steady until the waves pass through. A few I find helpful are: “This too shall pass”, “I’m stuck in a thought cycle”, “I’m okay, I’m safe”, and “I am loved”. No panic attack or dark night of the ego lasts forever, I promise. Things can and will get better.
(There’s always support available. Colorado mental health support line: 988.)
Dosage: Most changes are successful when they are built by small increments. In general, I don’t suggest attempting to make huge lifestyle changes in a week (New Year’s resolutions often fail for a reason). What I suggest instead is making small, daily changes that you can add or incorporate into your normal life. For example, you may simply add a banana to your breakfast or a few blueberries as a side to your lunch. If you don’t exercise at all, a 20 minute (or even a 5 minute) walk outside/in nature is a great addition. Take some deep, conscious breaths during your shower or take two minutes before turning your car radio on after work to simply check in with yourself and breathe.
In my last post about the non-linear, or wanderlust, path, I wrote about how obstacles, or even finding yourself back in a pattern than you thought you healed from, can actually be a sign you’re on the right path. (Assuming you’ve done the inner work and you’re not actually talking about a closed door).
I talked a little bit about the “why” this happens, but I almost forgot my favorite reason. To paraphrase from A Course in Miracles: forgetting helps us remember, better.
If we choose. We could, of course, also choose to be defeated and continue to play the victim role. And many of us do this (I sure have) unknowingly. But this forgetting, these obstacles, are actually opportunities to help us fully step into our power.
I remember, probably in grad school, learning about an experiment done on a tree that was grown in PERFECT conditions. Just the right amount of sunlight and water. No storms or high winds. All the right nutrients and soil conditions. The tree thrived for a while, and then…it wilted over. It may have had the perfect conditions, but not the right conditions to deepen its roots and build the resilience to thrive. (This actually says a lot about raising a child. In the early years, the child just needs love, love, love. And that safety in love is what helps the child feel brave enough to say…go play at the playground without their parents tracing every step. There’s a good chance the child will fall and bruise a knee. If the parent greets that child with a sense of calm and love, in a few minutes (or maybe in a few days), the child will most likely feel brave enough to go out and try again.)
In therapy, if you offer your therapist a list of intentions or goals for your inner world journey, you will most likely be tested. Not tested in a bad way, to prove yourself, but because your soul is eager to evolve and challenges help us strengthen our resolve, our faith in ourselves, and our faith in the divine.
I love the tree example, but wildflowers are really my favorite example for what forgetfulness and challenges result in. Each summer, the high mountain wildflowers literally take my breath away. These flowers are anything but fragile. Short Flower Indian paintbrush grows between 10,700 and 13,100 ft where oxygen is reduced. Not only that, these flowers endure brutal (and magnificent) summer lightning storms. These are not flowers you’re just going to easily pull up by their roots. And, they are the most vibrant and stunning flowers you will ever see, because of their resilience. Maybe they know, and maybe they don’t, that the sun will always come after the storm. That new life will be born after death, and that seeing them can transform a soul. But you can choose to be inspired by the wildflowers. You can choose to be empowered.
Author’s Note: The funny thing is… right after I shot the video for this post (see Substack, “The Wanderlust Path” or “Wanderlust Counseling” on Instagram), I took Pacer (my dog) for an evening walk to a dirt road up at higher elevation, ~25 minutes from my house. Most likely as I was taking a picture of my oh-so-adorable dog, I lost my car key! Yikes! And I could have absolutely let that get me down and add that as proof that the Universe does not have my back. Luckily, my sister only lived ~15 minutes away, and was able to pick me and my dog up before dark. I also had accidentally over dressed for the walk, so I was warm enough. And I also had accidentally left my back window rolled down when I wanted to give my dog some fresh air, which meant I could stand one the tire, grab my ski pole, and use it to unlock the front door. I also luckily keep a spare car key in my car, in case something like this ever happened. There’s probably a little more here too, something I can’t yet see. The main thing is that I am continuing to believe that the Universe has my back, and I’m always supported (even if the Universe has a tendency to often show up as my sister).
Healing isn’t found in the past, but in unraveling from it.
Some people give therapists bad raps for “just talking to people about their problems”. And I’m like “whoa, that’s not my job description.” But honestly… it is part of it, for a very good reason: Some people have never had a safe place to talk and experience their emotions, so just letting them talk and feel lets them know they’re okay, they’re safe, and just that can be healing.
And then the unraveling begins.
I‘ll just say a bit on this for now: You’re not who you think you are. (Take that Descartes). You’re identity (unless you’ve already unraveled) is a configuration of all your thoughts and beliefs and emotions experienced (or suppressed) from throughout your life time, but mainly, BEFORE THE AGE OF 8. Which means most of it’s subconscious (just below the surface of your awareness), especially as much of what you learned came from what you saw, what you felt, and the stories you created from it. And unless you were held and loved the majority of time you experienced big emotions, those stories probably aren’t good.
That sounds like a lot, I know. Breathe. (No seriously, breathe. Full belly breaths. It’s one of the best things you can do to heal your nervous system, which is probably out of whack from all those fear/not enough stories you’ve been telling yourself.)
The good news is, you can unravel. You can be free!
And your triggers (whatever sets off a big emotional response, or even depression can be a start) can get you there.
Here’s my basic process:
-Identify the trigger.
-Name the emotion (if possible) and BrEathe with it. This creates some safety.
-See if any past memory “floats” up. (To use EMDR phrasing)
– What was the story little you came up with to make sense of what was happening? (ie. Dad is never home and doesn’t want to spend time with me. I must be unlovable.)
-Drop the story, and once again just BrEathe with the emotion. What does little you need?
-What’s a new story, one that you’d prefer to believe? (This is where you get to create!)
Last, remember the healing path is non-linear- it’s The Wanderlust Path- and it’s OKAY that it doesn’t come all at once. You’ll probably have to do this many times. But that’s okay, because you’re worth it.
The path to healing, growth, and evolution isn’t linear. It’s not something to get frustrated about (but do honor your emotions). These obstacles and road bumps (different from roadblocks and closed doors) are actually signs YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH!
In fact, we know that obstacles and challenges are not only what make us stronger, but bring us closer to our true, most awesome (and authentic), selves.
Accepting this truth, that challenges are signs we’re on the right path, can keep us from getting stuck. It’s when we judge ourselves, “Why am I here again? I thought I healed this!” that we’re resisting the lesson and blocks us from 1) the opportunity to apply what we learned the last time and 2) prevents us from being curious*, “Hmm, why is this happening again?” “Why is this repeating?” “What do I have to learn here?” “How can I love myself more?”
* Curiosity is different from “trying to figure everything out”, which has more of a fear energy. Oh, self-judgement will never get you to healing, either!
This idea, that the path to healing and growth often happens in loops and includes challenges, can be applied to athletes too.
When I work with athletes who get injured, they usually end up working with a PT, commit to correcting poor form, or to consistently performing exercises that target underused muscles. When that athlete comes back, they’re not only physically stronger, but more mentally resilient for having gone through the challenge. There’s a new belief, a new resilience in them that says, “I can move through challenges and not only be okay, but be closer to that highest version of myself.”
A slight reframe: The path to healing and self-evolution is really the journey of transformation. Usually, we metaphorically think of this as the process of being a caterpillar to becoming a butterfly*: First, we are a caterpillar. Then, we wrap ourselves inside a cocoon. Third, we become MUSH, obsolete. From the mush, we transform into butterflies. But in order to REALLy be a butterfly, we have to fight our way out of the cocoon.
*The caterpillar and butterfly share the same DNA, but the genes are expressed differently. That, in itself, is metaphorical. Article Link
But what I really see for most people is little transformations inside a BIG transformation. Maybe we go through a small transformation in a few months or 1 year period, but then in 7* years, BOOM! We’re this new, amazing being flying high and living our best lives. (In other words, don’t give up. You’re right where you’re meant to be.)
*On AVERAGE, our body’s cells renew every 7 to 10 years. However, some cells are replaced every few days, and others take 70 years. Article Link
…And then there’s probably another evolution, but this time it’s easier because we’ve done it before and this higher version of ourselves knows that THIS IS A SIGN WE’RE ON THE RIGHT PATH.
Surrender doesn’t have to be an exasperated throwing up of your hands in despair, saying “I’ve give up.”
Surrender can be throwing your hands up in the air with a big “Yay!” I don’t have to figure everything out. I don’t have to do this alone!”
Because really, you can trust a Higher Power. Your mind just doesn’t know that. (Endless hours spent on decision-making, anyone?)*
Surrender is allowing yourself to be fully Loved, despite any stories your mind has come up with to stay otherwise.
Surrender is trusting that you are Love, and that Love is guiding you. That Love knows the way.
Surrender is letting Love more through you, fully.
Really, it’s an act of enlightenment. It’s an act of celebration.
****
*Okay, so why do you overthink and are relatively certain that you can’t trust an inner voice or Higher Power to guide you? Great question!
For many of us, Love, or a decision we made, was invalidated or in some way made bad, like it negatively affected our parents. This is a big wound Gabor Mate talks about…when a child becomes an emotional caretaker for a parent (https://youtu.be/tool-R8VJ2Y?si=IbY20B8dPBzasdYG). Anyway, what happens then is that we create a story, usually about ourselves, about how we were wrong and in some way defected, so then all of these voices (based on a multitude of various experiences) try to come in to help us make the best decision…and that’s how we end up feeling crazy. Parts work is a great way to start to unravel from all these voices, but also…meditating, belly breathing, or any activity that quiets the mind can help us “hear” (for me, its more of a felt sense then translated by the mind) our Inner Guide**.
** I know, I keep switching out Love, Higher Self, Inner Guide…go with what resonates for you.
Extra: It’s actually been really helpful for me to keep track of when I make a decision based on my mind vs one made from my heart, or intuition. I’ve often been amazed by some of the outcomes, which makes me want to trust it more…and it gives those “fear parts” some reassurance.
A Dog and Her Girl 