Category: Mother Nature

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Patience

“My Love,
Patience.
Trust the timing of the Universe.
Trust the timing of your soul.”

Patience is hard for most humans (and for my dog when she’s waiting for a treat.) We fear if we don’t move, if we don’t work hard, if we ever just stop and rest, that nothing will ever get done and we’ll never get anything we want.

But how much of what we want have we really gotten by working hard? Rarely is it the ease, peace, and joy that I hear at the depths of people’s wishes. We must always be cautious of what we create when fear is leading the way.

It hard to be patient when we are healing. We want to get it over with, forgetting the medicine is in the pain. The more we understand the causes of our pain, the swifter our healing. (Scientifically speaking, the pain center for both physical and emotional pain lives in the brain.)

Patience can also be hard when we feel lost. Patience asks us to trust, yet most of us lack trust in ourselves, others, and the Universe. Yet it is only when we are lost, when we have forgotten who we are, that we can be found. It is in the the liminal stages of lost and found and with a torch made out of patience and trust that we can discover who we truly are.

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The Journey

To what depths will you go in the search of
finding yourself?
Do you dare to stand in the lakes of your 
pain and uncover the roots of your anxiety?
To upend the rocks that surround your heart
and move them one by one?
While you may go to the mountains, the lakes, 
the valleys for solitude and refreshment of spirit,
you will not find yourself there.
Unless you have first met yourself,
you will simply see and grasp 
at what you cannot yet feel.
You must go within.
Only there can you find what you seek.
Then, you will find peace in your place
of connection with all beings.

Earlier in the year, I made a decision based on a thought I had. The thought seemingly came out of nowhere, so even though my body felt resistance to it immediately, I rationalized that it might be a sign from the Universe telling me what I should do.

But that could never be true.

I was again worshiping the false god of the ego-mind which I had been taught was the truth. The Universe, Spirit, God…that Voice speaks through the heart. For me, as an empathic female, the lost connection with my own True Voice may be the biggest tragedy of my life. I lost trust in myself and gave my power away to the false god that family, school, society, and religion taught me was reality. Doubt consumed me. Hence the on and off struggle with the symptoms we call anxiety and depression (undiagnosable, which is an arbitrary system anyway) that I’ve dealt with since my pre-teens, when the innocence of my Little Self was lost. 

In the fight for myself in the protective grips of my ego (fear) identity, the past few months have been some of the hardest of my life, although not as outwardly tragic as losing my oldest sister. I have brought light into the illusion of the ego and allowed myself to fully experience the pain (of separation) my body has held on to for 25 years. I didn’t just “deal” with my panic attacks…I experienced them, often using the simultaneous timing of my period (bringing up my pain and world pain) and the full moon (bringing up the unconscious) to rise within as I cried and breathed into my emotions, letting the energy to flow through my body. At times, I honestly wasn’t sure I was going to make it. (To go back to ego-rulership would be so easy.) I got so lost in the shadows that I lost myself at a level just short of psychosis (that I now believe many humans deal with). I am eternally grateful for the people and doG in my life that have been my Sunshines, as well as the little bit of Consciousness I was able to hold on to the last few rounds. “Ray, remember who you are”, became my prayer to myself.

As of this writing, I still haven’t fully reconnected to the Voice of My Heart. I am still remembering who I am at an embodied level. I am doing my best to lean into the trust of knowing that I am on the right path even as my ego-mind chimes in asking for power. I also write for You…to help You remember who You are. And, if you’re in a time in your life where you’re experiencing panic (ego) attacks, I want you to know that is your soul trying to escape the confines of the ego that have been placed around it. Freedom is found in the surrender, the letting go of thought, and moving in and through the emotions/energy the body has been holding on to for so long. I highly recommend seeking out support, a sun to your moon, someone to remind you who You are. Allowing someone else to be a light is a request of the heart, for only the ego values the false toughness and sense of separation of needing to do things on one’s own… Which may be your important first step of not feeding the ego-mind and instead reclaiming your heart and giving the power back to your True Self.

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Love What You Love

Recently, Obi-Wan* (my Reiki therapist) told me that even when I’m at my lowest of lows, I’m still at a higher vibrational frequency than most people. I gave him an incredulous look. He had seen me at some of my lowest points and even cried with me in his office (and that my friends, the masculine recognizing and being with the pain of the feminine, is the power that will heal the Earth)**. What was he talking about? How could that be true?

And then I realized he was right. Even when I was just feeling “okay” (sometimes joyful, sometimes still having ego/panic attacks), I had, without almost any effort, called in a 3 bedroom house on 5 acres on hidden piece of land that offers both privacy and easy access to trails (and, most importantly, is perfect for Pacer). I would have never even had thought to ask for such a large, beautiful space. I didn’t think such a space could be within my budget. In fact, I hadn’t even know the space existed in Salida.

The message for all of us: Maybe life doesn’t have to be so hard. Maybe, as Mary Oliver wrote, we just have to “let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.” (Translation: To live beyond our ego (human) desires and allow our expansive, open, and vulnerable hearts (the voice of our soul) lead the way.) Maybe, when we relax our grip of control (fear) and allow life to unfold, we will be presented with more love and beauty than we ever new existed.

*I might have to change the nickname for my Reiki therapist as I recently met a man who’s last name is pronounced “Kenobe” and also holds the nickname Obi-Wan.

**Therapeutic cry: Obi-Wan wasn’t taking on my pain, he was simply bearing witness to it. As an empath, I would have tried to make him feel better if I saw him taking on my pain and then felt bad for having emotions. Instead, he simply allowed tears to form in his eyes while he energetically stayed both strong and calm so I could relax ( be messy) and release my pain.

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Beginnings

Oftentimes, I cry at endings.

Sometimes, I cry at beginnings, too.

My then boyfriend, now friend, can tell you exactly how I looked when he dropped me and Pacer off to start the Colorado Trail, just a few months after moving to the state and having only done one very, very, short overnight backpacking trip on the AT. He’ll tell you that I looked like I was about to cry, that he could see the fear written around the worried lines around my smile. I actually didn’t know he could read any of my emotions in that moment until he repeated this scene to me a few months ago, because at the time, he knew what he had to do. He remained stoic, not allowing me to linger too long in our embrace, and sent me and Pacer off down the trail.

My tears are usually a mixture of emotions. Sadness, fear, and excitement all wrapped into a ball, moving from my chest to my throat.

The sadness is partially still from the ending that transitioned right into the beginning, but also a grief for the people I can’t take with my on my journey. It’s a love, really. The tears if sadness also mix in with tears from pure fear…a new beginning is stepping into the unknown. And, even while at this point in my life I know all will turn out okay, the fear of the unknown seems to be embedded into my DNA. Its grip has simply loosened. Blending in with the fear then, of course, is the heart of my adventurous soul singing out loud in excitement, for there is surely much beauty to be seen.

So is the cycle of my life. An ending, a beginning, and all the emotions in-between. Beauty in every step.

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Death by Switchbacks

In the midwest, we like to name the “fun” sections of our routes, like “The Stairway to Heaven” or “The Piano Keys”. If you’re not familiar with Cuyahoga Valley National Park, then you probably at least heard of the infamous “Heartbreak Hill” on the Boston Marathon course.

I like to call this section of the Colorado Trail/Collegiate West/Continental Divide Trail “Death by Switchbacks.”  Now truly, this section of the trail is nothing short of majestic, but in these few specific miles, you drop down from alpine via what feels like 100 switchbacks, cross a short marshy section (pictured here- it looks much different in the summer!), only to return to alpine via another 100 switchbacks.  If you’re already feeling tired, it’s nothing short of a struggle.  The good news, however, is that once you make the death march (hike, run, or cycle) up, you meet heaven.  (If headed southwest, towards the Alpine Tunnel and Cottonwood Pass to the northeast.)

The ego (how we feel about ourselves, our self-esteem) death uses a similar model as this section of the trail, although I’m going to offer a reframe that it is not necessarily about a part of us that needs to die, but actually about the part of us that doesn’t want to truly live, or “be here”, as I’ve written in previous post.  It’s that part of us that says life is too hard, too painful.  It’s the part of ourselves we try to numb and call it depression.  The ego death is actually about bringing that part into Light and reigniting your own inner fire.  It’s accepting that there is pain in the world but realizing it is not our own.  It’s acknowledging that there is suffering, but it is not our truth.  It’s reclaiming our authentic expression of self and believing in our divine right to live freely, peacefully, and joyously.  This is “fighting for the Light”.


Again, the question is, will you choose yourself (Love) over fear?

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Releasing the Past

The past, it clings to us.

Like heat rising off the blacktop.

The past sticks to our bodies, 

a smoke we can’t shake off.

It cycles through our minds, 

obscuring our lens.

We see the word through our past. 

Traumas, beliefs, emotions. 

It live in our brains and our bodies,

hunched shoulders, locked jaws, tight hips.

We stretch.  We try not to think about it. We try to shake it off.

Yet it still clings, threatening our souls from ever being free.  

The pain is the way.  

The only way out is through.  

Stepping into the fog, the confusion, is entering the darkness of my mind. 

I scream in agony.  

I see the pain start to float past.

The groans and cries continue for a while longer.

Actually, what feels like an eternity,

but really, only a moment in time.  

My past is not yet behind me, 

though I feel it loosening its grip.

I breathe in.

A full, deep, belly breath.

I exhale.

Freer than I was before.

I nod to the past, no longer dragging its weight behind me,

but see beside me, like an old friend,

who’s history no longer matches the desires of my future.

But I thank that friend, all the same.

“Great suffering comes from great confusion.” -Robert McKee (on the Rich Roll podcast, episode 736).

So what happens when we let go of the confusion of our minds and let our hearts lead the way? …

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The Sacred Groan

I cannot live in this pain anymore.

Something must break. 

This must be why the earth splits.

Why it erupts.

Something within me must break too. 

For what I am holding onto will not allow me to live.  

The wounds of our past: slavery, separation, running from love.

Both Mother Earth and I know the depths of the darkness.

Wounds, resurfaced, by no other than a lover.  

No longer buried deep, but instead, threatening to consume the light within.

The love within.

What choice will I make?

I hear my body groan in agony.  

“Good”, instructs my Mother.

This is the release.

I can’t see the way, 

but with signs, she assures me that she does.

My only job is to lean back,

to trust my fall into the night sky,

to trust the stars will catch me.

There is no doubt some type of death will occur. 

In my sacred groan, I choose to release my pain.

I choose to let go.

My only chance to return to the Light.

Notes:

  1. If you are in pain right now, know that you are not alone. This is part of the human journey. To transcend our pain. Not to hold it in, but to release it. To let it go. Realize it is not a burden to carry but a path to transformation. This process of moving through pain often requires more movement of energy than journaling or meditating. I suggest first moving the body and inviting any noises…screams, groans, cries, etc to come to the surface to be released. Then you may find peace in stillness.
  2. I believe this is the difference between suicide and ego death, which is, I know, a big statement to make. But when we hold on to our pain, internalize it, keep it inside, it can absolutely kill our light, our soul. On the other hand, if we choose to step towards the pain and allow it to move, to be released, whether it be by groaning and physical release or talking to a therapist or friend, it is simply the ego that dies so the flame within can burn brighter.
  3. The opposite of the sacred groan is, yes, the sacred moan. I hesitate to write about the sacred moan, for lack of many people understanding. There needs to be some conceptualization of sacred sexuality, even if it is only resonating with the term. The sacred moan is the mirrored twin of the sacred groan. It is the orgasm between two divine energies merging together to create something so expansive that it cannot be held within. It too, must be released. Yes, it can happen during sex, but it can happen outside of physical intercourse too. For it is in the energy, the pleasure, the love, the intersect of two divine energies coming together to co-create something bigger, more expansive, that one could have ever done in singularity.
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Winter’s Invitation

Some say
that winter’s days are
too short,
too dark.

I say,
they are perfect harmony,
for what my body and soul
require.

Enough time to wander,
to play
in the Light.

To greet the morning deer,
and howl with the coyotes welcoming night.

Enough time to rest,
to read,
to contemplate and write.

To whisper and twinkle with the stars
and praise the moonlight.
Remark in the contrast,
the highlight of the white snow,
against the navy sky.

Winter invites me in.
My soul, grateful for the reflection.
I bury myself in books and imagination while
the rabbits burrow in their holes.

I feel alive in the sharp
chill of the air
and in the comfort of
the fire.

Winter both calls me under the covers
and to the window,
to be a witness to the beauty of stillness,
as Mother Earth rests under her own blanket,
a gift from Father Sky.

Pacer, the blur shown, was one very excited puppy to be running in the moonlit snow.

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Moonless Night

I ran into the moonless night,
not sure what I would find.
Was I even searching?
After all, I had no light,
nothing, to show the way.
What way?

Pulled forward only by something I could not describe.
One blind step in front of the other,
stumbling over rocks and roots.
Falling.
The dead leaves cushioning my hands.

It would have made sense to turn back,
to the warmth of the fire.
But in the pure black night,
the way back had disappeared.

Then, in the stillness, in the silence of the dark,
I heard a calling.
So soft, I was temped to call it fiction.
Yet fiction is not false.
Indecipherable-
was it coming from the sky?
With my only choice to trust the yearning inside of me,
I began to run again.

First hesitant, still falling-
and then…
Swiftly as a deer, the forest my home,
I moved with primal, intuitive instinct.

I was running towards the light of the horizon,
the pink and orange sky.
My frozen breath,
the only sign of my human body.

Until it wasn’t.
Until I blended into the sunrise,
leaving only footprints behind.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Without question, 2022 was a challenging year for me. While the events were not as harsh as in the year 2020 when I faced the physical death of my older sister, I faced my own spiritual death in 2022.

A great unshedding. Certain events led me to facing the pain inside of me, conversing with my own shadows, shadows that had protected me for so long…and letting them go. It was not an easy process, nor one that I would have necessarily chose at the onset. But I am grateful for it. It has already led to more love and joy in my life, or rather, an unveiling of what was already inside me. Of course, the journey is not over. I am still human after all. Yet I feel something shifting, slowly, and I am quite certain it is only because I had the courage to go into the darkness of my pain. Ironically, it is in the depths of darkness that one finds light.

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Fog

I walk out my door and see only fog.
My dog and I walk down the short path from our front door,
and she instinctively turns right.

We keep going, only seeing 30 or so feet ahead.
We get to the next point, and another 30 feet of dirt road
and sagebrush appears.

I realize we don’t need to know the whole way.
Just the direction.
And that after each step we take, the next step will be revealed to us.

Without the fear of getting lost in the way,
I see the crystals hanging onto the brush.
There’s magic in the mystery.

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