"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ." – The Little Prince
Commitment in relationships is beginning to evolve.
It doesn’t just mean “I promise to stay with you forever.”
That’s not to scare anyone to anyone who hopes for a life-long partnership. That certainly can still happen. But commitment now is something much greater, requires even harder work, and leads to more joy and freedom. (Not freedom to break the guidelines you and your partner have created, but more freedom to be one’s true self). However, if the relationship has runs it course, it does give the permission to move forward without shame or guilt.
The fundamental aspect of the new type of commitment is healing. Relationships inevitably are triggering at some level, especially for those with insecure attachment styles. Our fears about ourselves and love will become revealed. Rather than suppressing emotions, ignoring big talks, staying in unhealthy relationships, and pretending everything is fine as in some relationships of the past, we are asked to confront our shadows and return to our higher selves.
This new commitment asks for us, first and foremost:
When I am triggered and my shadows appear, do I promise to do the inner work to heal myself? (The first commitment is the commitment to Self.)
Second, the commitment asks:
When my partner is triggered, do I promise that to the best of my ability, I will provide a safe and loving space for them to heal? (The second commitment is to your partner.)
Last, when both partners are triggered, it asks:
When we are both triggered, do I promise to stay in it (in connection)? Do I promise to first take care of my own wounds, then return to my partner so we can heal in relationship together? (The third commitment is to each other.)
While some may not choose this higher level of relationship, personally, a break in these commitments is reason enough for me to move on. If I don’t see a partner committed to their own work, or if a partner runs when my darkness is revealed, as painful as it might be, I’m learning that this is a sign to walk away. The commitment to loving my Self is the most important.
Relationships with animals are easier because animals don’t suffer from the human ego. However, relationships with animals still provide great lessons on unconditional love and can be immensely healing.
*I wrote a similar blog post several months ago, but the story came to me again with new words and in a slightly evolved way as I have continued on my journey.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) states, in my own words, that our psyche splits in order to deal with the traumas of life. While I am knowledgeable on IFS, I haven’t done the specific training from the IFS Institute, so I’ll simply refer to this as parts work. With that, another way to explain this theory is that our ego (human self) and spirit self separate from each other. In trauma, this false belief of separation can become so severe that we forget our that our spirit, or higher self, even exists. Furthermore, our ego is no longer just the realization that we are human, but becomes our voice of fear, which further splits into different parts (Chronic Worrier, Inner Critic, Judgey McJuderson, etc.) to help protect our now fragile sense of self.
Breathe. Read that over a few times if you need to. It may take a few reads for the words to become understandable.
Here’s a personal example.
When I was young, maybe 7 or 8, my parents decided to get a divorce. Really, nothing wrong with that (well, maybe accept that we were Catholic). They got married in their 20s and were two very different people. The problem was how it was handled, especially for a sensitive, empathic child.
First, while we were all still living under the same roof, my parents got into a huge argument. For me any my sisters, this was scary, and we all huddled together on our oldest sister’s bed. Then, with one of my parents clearly needing to leave the house, we were told to choose who we wanted to go with. I’m pretty sure I wanted to die in that moment. I think part of me did. I, already scared, could feel both my parents pain. I wanted to please both, make them both happy, and here I was, being forced to leave one of them in more pain. I heard my dad’s pleas that we could go watch Space Jam. I had always been a daddy’s girl. Yet my sisters were both going with my mom. I wanted to be with them.
I can almost still see, or rather feel, the agony painted across my dad’s face as we left the house.
However, experiences are individual. I have also heard a similar told by a man on a podcast I was listening to. For him, this forced choice was empowering. I would say more as to why but I can’t remember his words and don’t want to create false meaning. I just simply know that for me, this unwinnable choice was literaly unbearable. My psyche split, attempting to protect me from pain-or really, the pain I felt in causing others pain (which is something a child believes she can actually do because the developing brain is self-centric), and tried to overcome that by never making the wrong decision again.
Hence, OCD.
(While OCD is most often recognized in people with compulsions, or repetitive acts, the defining point is really the obsessive thoughts. For people who go on to develop compulsions, its simply to soothe the stream of worried thoughts.)
Or rather, anorexia (w/ excessive exercise), which was a coping mechanism for OCD, anxiety, and depression, which were coping mechanisms for the pain and fear within my little body. Or rather, the felt separation from Love.
Furthermore, and I won’t dive into this too deep, but the legal process for divorce and child custody in the 90s (and I believe still does) sucked. I knew exactly what was going on as I sat in the family therapist’s office with my sisters, first with one parent, then the other. I could feel it going better with my mom. I desperately tried to save things during my dad’s turn, trying to illuminate the room with my energy. But it failed. I had failed. I didn’t see my dad cry after my mom was granted majority custody, but I could feel his heart break once again (it’s no wonder why he had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery at 40). The pain was too much for the both of us to carry.
My psyche split into what we call “protector parts”, yet are often cruel and controlling: “Don’t fail.” “Do better.” “Don’t fuck up again Ray.” “Why can’t you be good enough?” Then, when I inevitably failed, either because I was doing something I didn’t actually want to or because some part of me froze in fear (my shooting wrist would actually freeze playing basketball), my only option was to shut down in what we like to call depression.
*While I’ve listed memories that stand out for me, its often much small, sometimes forgotten instances that cause splitting, such as the time a parent forgot to pick us up from practice, or a teacher ignored our wildly raised hand when we desperately wanted tho share. Or, for others who grew up in a religious background, you may have been taught that God, the Divine, was outside of yourself AND should be feared. How’s that for controlling? (My intention here is not to put down any religion.)
*******
Let’s look at this now from a mental health* lens.
While it is now considered normal (thanks to Richard Schwartz and his work around Internal Family Systems) to admit that we all have different parts of ourselves that take on various voices in on our head, we still diagnose the extreme version of this. The extreme version, brought on by severe childhood abuse, is diagnosed as “Dissociative Identity Disorder” (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder). I would caution that diagnosis here may stereotype a person with DID, further separating them from a connection with their community and their higher selves. (Diagnosis is not inherently bad and may point in a direction of how to treat, but often is used as a label that forgets both humanness and causation.). What is crazy** is when we label others as “different” or “ill” because they suffered from extreme abuse, especially when I consider that my own parts have often made me cry. Really, we’ve all just coped with the fears of life as best as we could, and their psyches needed to do even extra work. The only thing that ever heals (not fix…I’m not trying to get rid of any parts, just make them feel safe) is curiosity and compassion.
*The term “mental health” lacks much of what I do as a therapist. Is psycho-emotional-somatic-spiritual too long to say?
*** This is where I think the use of the word crazy is totallyappropriate.
********
Returning to Self
I’m not going to dive too deeply into this part at the moment, as this is still very much part of my current journey. What I will say is that it has taken me years of therapy, reading, grad school, and being dedicated to my own inner work that’s allowed me even get here… here, to the part where I can even recognize that my soul, or higher self, is always there quietly and patiently waiting for me to recognize myself. It’s taken years of unwiring, becoming aware of and letting go of old identities that were never really me, and detaching from fictional narratives. Still, my ego is fighting like hell to stay in control, but my spirit if fighting like heaven for me to return to myself. To stand in the power of my own beauty and joy. My own Wholeness and Oneness with all that is.
Over the past few months, I’ve had the opportunity to listen to the audio version of Awaken Your Multidimensional Soul: Conversations with the Z’s, Book Two and read To Heaven and Back: A Doctor’s Extraordinary Account of Her Death, Heaven, Angels, and Life Again: A True Story by Mary C. Neal. There was a piece on a soul’s departure in both books that made me both cry and smile, thinking of my older sister. To paraphrase, the message was that a soul may choose to depart from its human body at the time that is best for those around them.
If you’re newly grieving, it might be hard to take this in and I’d save it for a few years down the road. Personally, I can truly now celebrate Amanda’s birthday, and many of my tears are less from grief and more from gratitude.
In a way Amanda couldn’t always be in her human form, she is now a go to when I need big sis advice and guidance. She is a constant lean to, assuring me she always there in the form of butterflies, roses, Train and MB20 songs on the radio, and energy. We talk often, in a new way.
The first time I heard the message that a soul may leave at the best time for those around them, I wept in the knowing of the message’s truth and the sacrifice Amanda’s soul made, although I know sacrifice is perhaps the wrong term, or at least misconstrued in English. My path has infinitely deepened, some visible and some not, because of the physical death of my sister. Life has more meaning and I continually fight to see the beauty in the human experience as well as for the true freedom of my own soul (often trapped by the human ego.). I continually come back to the quote…
“Life is beautiful…even when it’s not.” -Amanda Rose Nypaver
In attempting the CDT, I journaled my intentions: following Sunshine (joy, intuition, Pacer) and being a witness to the beauty of the world. It was a combat to the shadow part of me that felt ambivalent about life. If I was going to live, I was going to LIVE. My older sister, and I say this in the most loving way, feared life. I was going to embrace the fullness, the magic of it for the the both of us. Plus, I thought attempting to hi across the country mightbe cool to do in a lifetime. I also wanted to embrace my FREEDOM- that I could make such a brave and bold choice for myself. And, while hiking for potentially several months didn’t exactly fit my all of my 4 core values (kindness/service, family/friends, growth, adventure/freedom) I thought I was at least being a good example for my clients. I wanted them to know that they too should follow their hearts, despite what others thought.
Only I’m not 100% I was following my heart.
I don’t think I could have knew that in the beginning. I needed to learn the difference between listening head and versus listening to the heart.
Perhaps I needed to start out by highlighting the areas of my internal world where I still wasn’t free.
“I thought the brave thing to do was try…but the braver thing to do was to listen to my heart.”
Don’t get me wrong. I love spending all day outside with my dog and cuddling with her all night. I don’t mind sweaty hair and 5 days worth of dirt caked on my body. Completing the Colorado Trail with Pacer is still one of the highlights of my life, even if I romanticize it a bit (or maybe a lot…to my credit, it’s impossible not to with the backdrop of the San Juans).
But I do enjoy a hot shower. Modern conveniences. Fresh food and going out to eat. A good glass of local wine.
I also enjoy..am filled with joy…going on runs with my sister and Pacer. Those days are always the best parts of my summer. My year-round happy thoughts. Really, I was just hiking to get back home: the Collegiate West into the San Juans.
My intuition knew this, asked for the re-route. Pacer new this. I made the decision to stop (after an anxious week) running downhill in Glacier National Park. My sister, Sandi, and her partner, Sage, were ahead running a loop. I had just finished hiking 90 miles in 2.5 days the day before and just happy to move without the weight of a pack. It was my 35th birthday. At the time, the decision FELT free, my body at ease.
It seems as though 35 is leaving me no room for bullshit. I wasn’t meant to be among a group of people who were mostly finding themselves. “Ray, you already know who you are. You and Pacer are Magic and Sunshine. You are Ray of Light. It’s time for you to go BE yourself, not to shine in hiding*, but SHINE for everyone to see.”, was my interpreted message from the Universe.
*To my credit I did have some good conversations with other hikers, particularly Day Hike and Happy Endings (trail names).
Right now, a week after my birthday, this is all coming through clear. At the moment, I am once again feeling free and at ease. I’m at the end of the waves…
…because as much as I would like to say everything is easy once you choose to follow your intuition, it’s absolutely not (although I am assuming it gets better with practice). My ego (fear, doubt, endless “what if”s, compulsive thoughts) fought back, HARD.
In the afternoon of my birthday, I was in the shower when I first heard my ego start to chime in again. With both my fingers in my ears and shouting (well, shouting in my mind…I didn’t want Sandi and Sage to worry) “I’M NOT LISTENING!” Now, I’m not one for suppression of emotions or shunning any parts (internal family systems reference), but I wanted to show my ego who was boss. And I wanted to enjoy my birthday dinner.
Really, I was doing well until the next afternoon. Then, heading back south and driving past CDT signs, my fear voices got louder and louder. What if I made the wrong decision? What if I should have at least tried? What if I’m missing the opportunity of a lifetime to have this adventure with my dog!? What if, what if, what if…over and over and over.
I wish I could say that I was able to return to my center, trusting myself, and knowing that regardless if there even was a right or wrong decision and I made the wrong one, that I would be okay…but that is not quite the case. Although I did still have the newly developed unshakeable self-love to fall back on, even admist the chaos in my mind. In actuality, I worried, stressed, and while helpful…texted and called way too many people. (Thank you especially to my guides Sandi and Tara). I cried after calling my dad, who was at a family party. He had been following my gps tracks and I felt a tinge of disappointment…not necessarily from him, but from myself. I hadn’t realized-or at least admitted- that even in my 30s, even after going off the beaten path since college, I still craved my parents validation.
I even called the aforementioned ex-lover* (from part 1 and part 2 of this series). I’m still not sure if it was intuition or impulse.
*I should mention, he is a good guy and I trust his thoughts and advice. Actually, I’m lucky enough to have dated several good guys (well maybe besides the one, who jus had too many demons inside eating away at his good) that I am still friends with. Knowing they care about me and Pacer, I’ll often seek their advice.
My former landlord (I’ll call her Carol for now since I didn’t get permission to use her name), whom I’ve started think of as a bonus mom, helped settle me more. Being an avid hiker and adventurer herself, plus former search and rescue member and a dog mom, she tends to understand parts of me better than my own parents. Often, I think my parents see me as an alien, questioning “Who is this child who refuses to live life by the status quo and talks about emotions, who has never saved a dime for a house but makes sure she buys her dog expensive vegan kibble? Where did she come from?” I’ve also always admired Carol’s inner strength and intuition as well, so when she said “Better safe than sorry.”, I knew she wasn’t saying it how the way most midwesterners say it (“Play it safe. Never take risks in life. Stay inside the lines.”), but in the way adventurers, explorers, and dog moms use the term (“Before taking a risk, remember what is most important in life, and consider what you are risking.”)
Still, this ego attack* lasted for the better part of several days, and I regretted stopping in Idaho and Utah on the drive home from Montana. When lost trying to find a trailhead in La Sal Mountains, I thought “I just need to go home” and drove until 9pm, passing through the end of the Swatch Range and back to Salida, to Sandi and Sage’s home.
*An ego attack is similar to a panic attack, but with the flair of existential crisis.
The funny thing? I KNEW I made the right decision. I knew by both facts and feelings. That voice, the one who knew, what I will call my intuition, was always there, just often drowned out by the SOS calls of my ego.
Why was my ego freaking out to this extreme?
I can’t remember if it was before or after hiking through Glacier*, but I remember saying to my sister, “I don’t want my ego to win.”
*Which I am very grateful I got to do…really, between Glacier, having previously gone to The Winds in Wyoming, and backpacking the Colorado Trail, I’ve done all the prettiest parts of the CDT.
And, while this wasn’t the first time I followed my heart, this did mark one of the first times in my life I didn’t listen to my ego, my fear (which surrounds my not-enoughness wound). This insight allows me to easily forgive myself for hurting my body earlier in life, first with an eating disorder and then pushing myself to long-term damage in ultras, because honestly, I wouldn’t have been able to handle the internal turmoil inside. Of course my ego was going to freak out. You see, it had protected me from so much pain earlier on in life, been with me since I left the god-like state of infant to toddler. All those attachment wounds, being misunderstood, my little empath self not knowing how to handle the confusion of the world on my own. My ego had kept me safe, and now, here I was, telling it I didn’t need it anymore. So I changed strategies and softened my tone when I felt the tightness in my chest and the “what ifs” creep back into my mind. “I know you’re scared”, I told my ego, “but I’ve got you.” “You’re enough as you are. We’re creating a new life. One full of endless love of and magic.”
The other message I received was that I was meant to “transcend my ego”. (“I don’t want to do it! It’s too hard!” I told a friend during one of my panicked moments.) By transcend, I simply mean “rise above”. By rise above, I mean that it was time to energetically put my heart before my head, to trust the voice within and not the voice of fear.
(I have heard someone claim they know a spiritual teacher who was able to soley live from the spiritual self, but on the other hand, I also know that friends of Ram Das (Elizabeth Lesser, Broken Open) will tell you that he was still very much human, perhaps until he had a stroke at age 71. My belief is that when you are able to step back, you simple realize that the ego is the human self, imperfect and fallible…and God, what a great experience, to be human.)
This is where bravery turns into freedom. Listening to your heart, trusting your inner knowing, following your dreams…being yourself, these are all THE bravest things you can do in a world embedded with and often ruled by fear. Or, risking getting it wrong, failing…this is brave too, because the ego will come back with the “shoulds” and “what ifs?”. This will be your opportunity to offer yourself compassion and shine a light into the fear. Love is the only thing that can ease the tension of fear, perhaps even dissolve it.
At the end of this brave path, there can only be one thing: Freedom. The ability to live beyond the ego, to live from the heart. Will the fear always be there? Maybe. I am still very an explorer on my spirit-human journey.
I am also still very much in the wanderlust phase, the state of in-between, embracing it. Others may call it “rock bottom”, needing to live with their sister and figure out the next steps. However, I know I’m in good company. Elizabeth Gilbert, Lewis Howes, they’ve been here too. Plus, I’ve been here enough that I know the best thing to do is embrace the opportunity, knowing I have everywhere to go and nothing else to lose. I have love. I have freedom. I have Pacer, family, and a few good friends. And, wouldn’t you know it…I got offered my Jedi Knight/wizard training basically for free (to be paid back when I get my book deal). Freedom, love, and joy. In that, I have everything.
Big Love,
Ray “Magic” & Pacer “Sunshine”
“If bravery is the ability to follow your heart in the midst of fear, freedom is the ability to find peace within yourself no matter the circumstance. Freedom is choosing joy.”
Ego: Feels like: Contraction, fear, anxiety, heavy, dread (often in chest or stomach). Sounds like: Critical, bossy “should”, and/or doubtful, uncertain, confused “What if…?” “Are you sure?”. (The ego is made up of several different parts on either end of the ego spectrum.) Loud.
The next key is to go with your initial feeling. For those of us not used to listening to our intuition, and maybe starting to do so for the first time ever, the initial feeling may only last an hour- or 5 seconds -before fear and panic come in. Remember that it is simply part of the process and to offer yourself compassion as you go through the waves. Remember that you are brave.
Pacer “Sunshine”…my hearts extension, always knew the answer. This allowed me, for perhaps the first time ever, to choose joy over suffering.
“You are a powerful manifestor, Ray!”, said the psychic in an an email after a pet reading, which was half an email about me honing my own energy.
People have mentioned some variation of this to me before, commenting on my intuition or healing energy. “But what do you actually mean!?”, is the shout I often keep quiet in my head. I often feel like a young Jedi Knight or first year Hogwarts student, shooting off my magic without knowing how or what I’m doing.
After all, I don’t have a van (yet), a book deal (yet), or enough money to pay off my student loans (yet).
Yet, I do know I have to be careful about what I say or write down…
Naming my previous car “Surry”, short for “Surrender”, meant I had to learn how to actually surrender. I had a flat tires near Taos ski resort, a dirt road in Salida, and off the highway towards Denver, plus car issues in Leadville and up a mountain road in BV (this is the short list). For those not familiar in the area, I was often in the middle of nowhere, or on a highway stretch that AAA normally won’t help on. Yet each time, it all worked out, with my favorite time being when I met the very friendly elder and his faithful dog in the small town of Leadville. This was years ago, so he may have very well been the sole mechanic around. His garage was so packed with miscellaneous parts you could barely walk through it, let alone get a car in. He sent me and Pacer up the mountain to explore while he first went to lunch with friends and then worked on Surry the Subaru (my current car is named Serenity, obviously my current journey). If I get a tattoo with a meaning attached to it, I better be prepared for the experience to not just understand the meaning, but know it. “You want to know what it means to only respond to the first arrow (a Buddhist teaching) with love?”, my tattoo asks of me. Well get ready… Name my private practice “Wanderlust Counseling”? Well I better get ready to explore the liminal phase completely and hold on to my North Star.
This past January, I completed Gabrielle Bernstein’s yearly Manifesting Challenge. Early on, I wrote my key manifestion hope down in both my journal and on a sticky note, which I stuck to the backside of my Murphy bed. It read “To move (travel) freely while following my heart and serving others.” My human self thought this meant potentially getting a van or a small cabin by the mountains and being able to run the trails pain free. What my soul heard was that I wanted to be free of my ego (fear), free of my human suffering (doubt), free to take risks and fail…free to follow my heart. Michael A. Singer might call this “living untethered.”
Shortly after this, I told my new therapist that my goal for therapy was to become unshakeable. “I want to have so much confidence in (love for) myself that I become unshakeable.”
I didn’t mean this in the narcissistic way, where an outer shell portrays a false god-like exterior to the world while big insecurities lay buried deep inside. Although really, I also wanted to know that if I ever happened to see the aforementioned ex-lover (from part one) walking around with a new girlfriend, that I would be unfazed, only wishing the happy couple love.
So to clarify to the therapist, I added “Not so that I never get hurt, but so that I can experience big emotions, let them pass more easily, and still know that I am okay.”
With that statement, I put the ball, or rather the intention, in motion.
Which also meant lots, and lots, and lots of opportunities to practice self-love in the midst of my human foibles.
*****
I don’t think I really realized how little I loved myself, or so conditionally, until I was 34. I had gotten over the self-loathing depression states by my early 20s and felt that I at least liked myself. But love?
Though really, how could I love myself when I was still understanding what love actually meant? Since my parents divorce as a kid, I had been debating for most of my life if love was even real. Between that and some fear-based ideas of love that I was taught in church, my ideas of love were, to say the least, skewed. And greatly, greatly, limited.
By the turning of the year and the words that came out of my mouth to the therapist, learning how to love myself, in the expansive, unconditional way, became my only option for survival. Could I be there for myself in heartache? Could I be there for myself when worried my body would never heal? Could I be there for myself when I rushed into the new tattoo? Could I be there for myself when faced with the doubt of making a big decision? Could I be there for myself, could I love myself, if that decision failed?
*****
Of course, my manifesting powers made sure this was all about to be put to the test with the decision I was about to make: to continue to hike the CDT, or stop and drive back to Colorado. The plan was always to stop if Pacer wasn’t happy. She was still definitely healthy, but giving me more of an “eh” than a “let’s go!” Ultimately, that would lead to my answer, obvious in hindsight…but oh, how my doubt likes to control my thoughts! Brood, re-think, ruminate! “You’re so silly for trying!”( risking clients, income, safety, approval of family…the latter not being a thing, although my ego always seems to think so) as well as “Try harder!” yelled different parts of my ego. Yet a pause, a breathe, allows for some separation… a space to choose between self-hate and self-love.
These times of inner adversity have led me to asking myself a new, soul-level question:
“Can I love myself so fiercely that no matter what decision I make, no matter what mistake, no matter how badly I fail (or succeed), that my love never waivers?” Perhaps it even grows at I watch myself walk through life with the bravery to truly LIVE. “Can I become UNSHAKEABLE?”
“Yes.”, I answer back, quiet but firm. Unwavering. Even though this felt-sense is still a whisper, there’s a deep knowing at my core that I, my higher self, will always have my back. That I always have been and will always be unconditionally loved. No matter what. The way a girl loves her dog. Unshakeable Love.
*****
Of course, after this first decision, my ego mind wasn’t ready to leave without a fight. My OCD part (little on the compulsion, heavy on the obsessive thoughts) that I developed early on in childhood still likes to come out from time to time and chime in. Or rather, try to run the show. But thats another story, the next post of this series on transcending fear. I’ll simply say that later, driving back to Colorado, I had to fight for Myself. Still, I heard the answer in a whisper under the loud noise of my ego, the only answer there ever could be: “Yes.”
In addition to my manifesting, there was also the prophecy-in-poem-format written by my older sister in 2019 before she passed, her last Christmas gift to me:
Determined to be more than just survivors of life, we
Reach for a ray of sunshine in the darkness, and
Out pours strength from those here and gone who love us most.
Peace will find us in our weakest moments and help us
Sail across the sun.
Overcoming our obstacles, we reach the top of the mountain, free and
Fearless!
Journeys of 1,000 miles start with a single step forward, and we find
Unwaivering support from all that surrounds us. But we still
Pray we can live up to and fulfill all expectations.
In times of both turmoil and
Triumph, we
Explore what both amazes and humbles us, ultimately
Realizing not all who wander are lost!
****
“Lost paragraphs”: Usually, blogs don’t take me too long. They just kind of flow. Perhaps because I waited so long to finish this one, I struggled with what to include. I decided the following paragraphs didn’t flow:
I had just spent a month on an adventure I called Following Sunshine: Traveling at the Pace of Joy on the CDT, sunshine meaning joy and intuition (main topics to be explored in Part Three)…and my dog. We were still on the 2-week break from thru-hiking after finishing a 150 mile section together in New Mexico. We had planned to flip north since my sister and her partner were running a sky race just past the border in Canada. In the previous week while still on “break” we hiked/run up and down Mt. Elbert, which had been Pacer’s first 14er and was currently one of the only 14ers in Colorado in near summer conditions. Pacer seemed fine, but then again, not 100% herself, meaning that when we reached tree line, she wasn’t trying to herd every single person in front of us. This is when I realized I had a decision to make and fear started to kick in. Would I make the “right” choice? I doubted myself right into anxiety, flipping through every possible scenario and outcome. (I should mention, the plan had always been to stop if Pacer was at all unhappy- but she had done well in northern New Mexico. Still, admittedly, her “meh” was covered up by my self doubt.)
Fast forward to June 23, 2023. Now I’m in joyful tears driving back to the hotel in Alberta, Canada after a hike/run to Haig Lake. I think back to 8 years ago, when I didn’t love myself enough to stop. Instead, I took ibprofen after ibuprofen, somehow managing to finish the 100 mile race with out overdosing, considering I’m just shy of 5’4 and started taking the pills before the race even started (I hard partially torn a calf muscle a few days before). But I loved Pacer enough to stop hiking the CDT (obviously not because of injury-I would have stopped in an instant then- but because of happiness), and in that, I loved myself enough to stop too. To not hold myself in guilt or shame for trying, for risking so much (a place to live, clients, approval, income) and failing. Instead, I could honor myself for my bravery and hold myself in unconditional love. Man, that dog…I knew she was a beacon of light, that I could understand unconditional love because of her…but to teach me how to love myself? doG, I tell you…]
Actually, I’ve been terrified about most major life and big adventure decisions that I make.
My stomach churned the week before I flew to Tanzania on my own at the ripe old age of 23, and I was constipated the week before I started the Colorado Trail. The week before starting grad school, I was nauseous, even though I was starting the school year with a hiking backpack rather than one for books. I sweat through my first t-shirt during the 8 hour drive across the state to see the guy I had a crush on for 10 months, although I had luckily thought ahead and brought a change of clothes. EVEN before getting Pacer, I worried. More recently, before moving into a yurt for the winter, my mind anxiously debated (taking up most of my mental space) for nearly 2 months if it was the right move. Then, after deciding to take a sabbatical (the professional word for an extended vacation) when my bank account was already low in an attempt to hike the CDT with my dog, I often teetered the line between terrified and trusting. Luckily by this time, I had learned some inner tools on what bravery and self-love …but really, I was just at the beginning of the process.
Currently (as of 6/20/2023), I’m petrified (truly, nearly frozen in place) on making the decision of whether to continuing hiking or not. There’s fear of being stuck in the middle of nowhere in Montana with Pacer, or the fear of having no idea what to do or where to go should we return to Colorado, having no place to live and little income to work off of. After being close to a panic attack, I return to three questions:
Am I not trusting myself?
Am I not trusting (the goodness) of others?
Am I not trusting the Universe/Divine?
While it would most definitely be a big challenge, I know I would protect Pacer “Sunshine” and figure it out if we continued on and did get stuck in Montana (should Pacer decide she was done). Yet I don’t want it to be up to Sandi to rescue us (again). More so, I want Pacer to be happy. This brings me to the heart of my fears: the fear of making the wrong decision.
At this stage of my life, the fear is rarely on either end of the decision, but the doubt in making one. The suffering is in the the liminal state between thought and action.
My inner chatter goes something like this:
Am I making the wrong decision?
Am I being dumb for attempting to hike across the country with a dog?
What if the critics were right?
What if my mom was right?
Am I wasting time on a hike that might not work out when I could easily be playing on my favorite Colorado mountains and going to a local winery after?
Maybe I’m not brave, maybe I’m just ignorant.
Am I burdening others with problems I’ve created for being stupid?
If I choose to stop, would it confirm all the above?
Eventually, I catch a beam of light coming through the darkness. I use ALL of the tools I learned in the last 8 months and wrote about in “Light & Dark: Reflections on the Human Experience”. I return to that which roots me: my values, meditation, prayer, and love.
My core values (family/friends, adventure/freedom, growth, and kindness) orient me back to the life I want to create myself, one that does not offer certainty, but does require fully living and offers personal expansion. In the form of prayer, I offer up my pleas for help and guidance from the divine and the spirits who walk withe me. (Okay, often I’m asking for answers and really hoping that an angel comes to me in a vision or I receive a vivid dream where I am given me the specific, detailed, outlined, double-spaced in size 12 font answer… and then I just remind myself to surrender.) I meditate (after much procrastination and googling all possible solutions), coming back to my center in the midst of the chaos of my mind. Slowly, I return to my heart and the new found love (although I can feel its ancientness) I have for myself. Even without the answer, I can trust that whatever happens, whatever decision I make, that it will be okay.
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I am a big believer in both psycho-emotional-somatic inner work that I do in therapy, as well as energy work. In using both, it almost amazes me how fast things can move (albeit, the rush of intensity of the “negative” energy can be a bit overwhelming before it clears out). I wrote this piece and part two (currently sitting partially in my journal, partially in m mind), in the few days around summer solstice and driving through 3 national parks, using nature and intention to quicken and aide my healing.
Home has always been an interesting topic for me and likewise, I have always been intrigued by Maya Angelou’s quote (as well as Brene Brown’s explanation of it), “You are only free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.” It took me awhile, but in the past year I’ve not only come to logically understand this quote but KNOW this quote at a soul level. Perhaps paradoxically, this sense of belonging has also helped me drop my labels of “other, different, misfit, and special”, bridging the gap of separation I felt most of my life in this human body. While still the introvert (perhaps another label that I am not ready to give up), feeling at home within myself has allowed me to feel more comfortable in a crowd, knowing I belong to myself, the earth below, and the skies above.
Physically, “home” has come into question more and more as I run into other hikers and they ask where I’m from. Despite being grateful for my midwestern roots, my time in the CVNP, and the part of me that still says I’m going “home” (really meaning to see my family) for Christmas, I never consider replying “Ohio”. My spirit has always belonged in Colorado, something I intensely felt when Sandi first took me to Molas Pass but at the time would have never have known how to describe. This, and a series of steps from the Universe aligning, is what led me to first thru hike the Colorado Trail with Pacer just two months after moving to the state. Soon, I was calling the Colorado Trail “home”, which I think was simply because I felt the most free I ever had in that month. Funny how “free” and “home” go together, this solving why as a cancer sign I also have a fondness for wanderlust. As for my reply to other hikers, I realized it was far too long to explain that in the past year I had moved from Estes Park (a place I still miss for the magnificence and my second set of parents/landlords, but never felt quite like home) to a yurt in Villa Grove for the winter and was currently homeless. Instead, I thought of where Sandi and Sage/Pacer’s aunt and uncle were, “Salida” (my reply), the Sawatch Range, and all the memories I have attached to both people and place (8 years of S “Christmas” Mountain, several years of Fibark, and many mountain explorations). Adventure and family. Freedom and home. Plus, a little” weird. The right mix of belonging and fitting in.
In short, home is the place where you are free to be 100% yourself, where you will always be loved no matter what mistakes you make, a place you can both find within yourself, in others, and in the open arms of Mother Nature.
My new books, Light & Dark: Reflections on the Human Experience, is available for “soft sale” via Kindle. It will be available for print once I’m able to hire a professional editor, but I wanted to release before my multi-month mostly off grid adventure this summer.
Description: “Pierre Teilhard de Chardin is credited for the famous quote, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” But what is the human experience? Through Ray’s own life experience and her work guiding others as a psychotherapist, she came up with a simple definition: the human experience is the journey from darkness into light. While it’s a beautiful journey, it is certainly not an easy one, and that is exactly where we can find compassion for all humans. Everyone on this earth signed up for a hard job. No human goes without experiencing the pain and suffering of being alive. Yet, it is exactly that pain that can point us back to the light, back to remembering our true selves as spiritual beings. This book includes poems, insights from nature, essays, and journal entries on what it means to be human. Ray explores and defines each component of the human experience, traveling through darkness into gray and finally, back to light. Light & Dark: Reflections on the Human Experience is a lighthouse for spiritual beings who find themselves lost or stuck in the pain of being human and offers the hope and reassurance of a way out. The book is a reminder that you are not alone.”
A wanderer is willing to face death in order to be reborn. A wanderer respects the power of her emotions. A wanderer accepts her pain. A wanderer honors her healing.
Sometimes, a wanderer stands still.
A wanderer chooses the path of joy, knowing it will require great suffering. A wanderer enjoys good company, but loves her own the most. A wanderer knows how to befriend her fear. A wanderer’s path is a spiritual path. A wanderers best compass is her own values and her heart. A wanderer both awaits and creates.
A wanderer willingly steps into the unknown, but is rarely lost. [If she is, it is only for a moment, for she is guided by her dog. ] A wanderer stays true to herself in the face of doubt. A wanderer is led by her intuition, knowing light will always lead the way.
My then boyfriend, now friend, can tell you exactly how I looked when he dropped me and Pacer off to start the Colorado Trail, just a few months after moving to the state and having only done one very, very, short overnight backpacking trip on the AT. He’ll tell you that I looked like I was about to cry, that he could see the fear written around the worried lines around my smile. I actually didn’t know he could read any of my emotions in that moment until he repeated this scene to me a few months ago, because at the time, he knew what he had to do. He remained stoic, not allowing me to linger too long in our embrace, and sent me and Pacer off down the trail.
My tears are usually a mixture of emotions. Sadness, fear, and excitement all wrapped into a ball, moving from my chest to my throat.
The sadness is partially still from the ending that transitioned right into the beginning, but also a grief for the people I can’t take with my on my journey. It’s a love, really. The tears if sadness also mix in with tears from pure fear…a new beginning is stepping into the unknown. And, even while at this point in my life I know all will turn out okay, the fear of the unknown seems to be embedded into my DNA. Its grip has simply loosened. Blending in with the fear then, of course, is the heart of my adventurous soul singing out loud in excitement, for there is surely much beauty to be seen.
So is the cycle of my life. An ending, a beginning, and all the emotions in-between. Beauty in every step.
A Dog and Her Girl 