"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ." – The Little Prince
Even after dropping more specific labels such as runner or athlete, I still allowed myself to be somewhat identified by “adventurer” and “explorer”. Those our broad enough, right?
I also explained explorer (this is even in my bio in Light & Dark) as being a person willing to explore both their outer and inner landscape. This is pretty accurate. I just wasn’t doing it.
I was creating and forcing my own adventures. And yes, in terms of mountain adventures, you want to plan appropriately for safety reasons, yet the real grace is when you can let go of the plan and allow the Mother Nature and the day to bring what she will. Being a true adventurer is going with the flow. It’s accepting that when a door shuts on you, or it starts to rain, that you’re being redirected by something greater than yourself and toward something that is in your highest good. (You may have just avoided a huge accident by returning back to your car.) It’s realizing that an injury or illness isn’t punishment, nor is it something to push through. It’s the knowing that something greater is happening in the Yin (resting potential).
Being a true explorer means being curious. Honestly, 3 year olds are probably the best explorers our there. They’re just going where their parents take them and stopping to look at all the bugs and leaves along the way. Adults tend to plan and force, even when it doesn’t feel good or aligned with joy. We’re ruled by our minds and fear. Instead of looking to others for inspiration, we look at them through comparison…If this adventurer has a van, we need to have a van and YouTube channel too. If this athlete is running these races and that’s where the money is, I need to run those race too. If this wanderer is traveling to that state or country, then I need to wander over there too… Rarely are we actually willing to let go of plans and travel into the Unknown, allowing the path to be revealed to us.
Being a True Explorer is going into the Unknown with curiosity, trust, and joy. A True Explorer accepts the redirects of life and happily changes path. A True Explorer is guided by their heart rather than fear. A True Explorer lives from inspiration instead of motivation and comparison. A True Explorer is free. In actuality, a True Explorer doesn’t have to create or carve out a new path. Instead, she relaxes knowing that a unique path is already laid out for her. A True Explorer is willing to follow the breadcrumbs of Life, recognizing animal symbolism, dreams, and synchronicities as guidance.* A True Explorer trust that she will be guided to experiences for her highest good, that the challenges (often in the form of ego** slaying) are necessary for ascension, and that love not be searched for in far away places, but it is always there. A True Explorer is always on the Divine Path back to True Self.
*I just checked my phone and it was, of course, 11:11.
**When the Bible talks about “demons”, the metaphorical translation is ego.
To what depths will you go in the search of
finding yourself?
Do you dare to stand in the lakes of your
pain and uncover the roots of your anxiety?
To upend the rocks that surround your heart
and move them one by one?
While you may go to the mountains, the lakes,
the valleys for solitude and refreshment of spirit,
you will not find yourself there.
Unless you have first met yourself,
you will simply see and grasp
at what you cannot yet feel.
You must go within.
Only there can you find what you seek.
Then, you will find peace in your place
of connection with all beings.
Earlier in the year, I made a decision based on a thought I had. The thought seemingly came out of nowhere, so even though my body felt resistance to it immediately, I rationalized that it might be a sign from the Universe telling me what I should do.
But that could never be true.
I was again worshiping the false god of the ego-mind which I had been taught was the truth. The Universe, Spirit, God…that Voice speaks through the heart. For me, as an empathic female, the lost connection with my own True Voice may be the biggest tragedy of my life. I lost trust in myself and gave my power away to the false god that family, school, society, and religion taught me was reality. Doubt consumed me. Hence the on and off struggle with the symptoms we call anxiety and depression (undiagnosable, which is an arbitrary system anyway) that I’ve dealt with since my pre-teens, when the innocence of my Little Self was lost.
In the fight for myself in the protective grips of my ego (fear) identity, the past few months have been some of the hardest of my life, although not as outwardly tragic as losing my oldest sister. I have brought light into the illusion of the ego and allowed myself to fully experience the pain (of separation) my body has held on to for 25 years. I didn’t just “deal” with my panic attacks…I experienced them, often using the simultaneous timing of my period (bringing up my pain and world pain) and the full moon (bringing up the unconscious) to rise within as I cried and breathed into my emotions, letting the energy to flow through my body. At times, I honestly wasn’t sure I was going to make it. (To go back to ego-rulership would be so easy.) I got so lost in the shadows that I lost myself at a level just short of psychosis (that I now believe many humans deal with). I am eternally grateful for the people and doG in my life that have been my Sunshines, as well as the little bit of Consciousness I was able to hold on to the last few rounds. “Ray, remember who you are”, became my prayer to myself.
As of this writing, I still haven’t fully reconnected to the Voice of My Heart. I am still remembering who I am at an embodied level. I am doing my best to lean into the trust of knowing that I am on the right path even as my ego-mind chimes in asking for power. I also write for You…to help You remember who You are. And, if you’re in a time in your life where you’re experiencing panic (ego) attacks, I want you to know that is your soul trying to escape the confines of the ego that have been placed around it. Freedom is found in the surrender, the letting go of thought, and moving in and through the emotions/energy the body has been holding on to for so long. I highly recommend seeking out support, a sun to your moon, someone to remind you who You are. Allowing someone else to be a light is a request of the heart, for only the ego values the false toughness and sense of separation of needing to do things on one’s own… Which may be your important first step of not feeding the ego-mind and instead reclaiming your heart and giving the power back to your True Self.
What is the most loving choice you can make for yourself today?
For your body? For your heart? For your soul? For your inner child? And yes, for your mind?*
My understanding of “love is the answer”, after months of pondering, finally made deeper sense to me today and I was both reviewing a past free write journal entry and starting a new free write. (Society may label me a “slow processor” and call that a bad thing, but really, it is such a gift. When I come to truly understand something, it is at more than just a logical level…its a deep knowing in my bones. I believe it is from that place, only, that I can write and teach about the topic in a way that allows others to understand concepts at an embodied level as well.)
The reason why summer was such a challenge for me, the reason why I was so uncomfortable, was because I had made the choice, to choose and love myself (and Pacer) first. It is the choice I have rarely made in my life…too many times, I have pushed through a race or up a mountain while tired and in pain, studied too hard for a test to get the “A” that didn’t really matter, done the thing to look and feel tough for a moment, or woke up way too early because I believed that is what I had to do to be successful.
But it is only the mental, never the heart choice, to push through pain in search of success.
The uncomfortability was a sign I was on the right path. That I was breaking free. The panic attacks were simply a sign of my ego cracking.
(Personally, my anxiety often first comes when I feel like I have to do something scary or something I don’t really want to do to serve my mind. I have panic attacks when I make the choice to follow my heart…which is basically the pain of my fragile ego cracking and the energy of my soul saying “let me out!”)
Loving myself is resting. Loving myself is not forcing a goal to happen. Loving myself is serving my core needs of acceptance and connection to my own body and soul. Loving myself is not doing the scary or painful thing. Loving myself is allowing beauty and love in. (Other people’s brains may be wired in a reversed way as compared to mine. I come from a society, family, and church that stems from the toxic wounded masculine- control and work, work, work to prove your worth. I know other people who come from the disempowered masculine and the fear of trying something new or putting themselves out there can be paralyzing, which looks like laziness to the untrained eye. )
In this process of asking ourselves “What is the most loving choice I can make for myself today?” we are both starving and serving our minds. Again, the path becomes uncomfortable (anxious sensation in our bodies) when we choose to side with the heart over the mind. However, the mind ultimately wants to be at peace…so choosing what is at first uncomfortable actually leads to greater freedom in the end, once the mind realizes it is now safe when allowing the heart to lead.
While I hope my examples are helpful to some readers, the nuance is that our minds our wired differently and our egos have developed different protection mechanisms, so there is nuance in what might be right for me is wrong for another. The commitment is getting to know one’s truest Self at the deepest level possible.
I have a lot more coming on the topics of bravery, panic attacks, ego, listening to the heart, and choosing joy coming up!
***For those people who have worked hard their whole life, what I’m noticing with a lot of women now (although this probably goes across genders) is that when the person gets a cold or a little niggle of an injury, the body isn’t asking the person to just take a week off, or even a month off. The body (which communicates for the heart once our connection to the heart voice has been blocked) is asking the person to take months, a year, or even years of rest to re-harmonize the body. Once we let go of our resistant thoughts to rest (and keep trying to push through), healing can begin.
*******
This was my Instagram post that preceded this blog:
A more accurate title might be “Ignorance is bliss…until it’s a constant discomfort that we try to alleviate with drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, exercises, and compulsive busyness” …but I thought that title was a little long. And so, I’ll define bliss here as not a pure state of joy, but an illusory state of happiness that masks internal pain and external reality.
Before I dive into that loaded statement, let me start out with some context.
My sister is one of the most compassionate, loving human beings you will ever meet. She cares deeply about other humans and ADORES animals. So much so that it literally breaks her heart every time she sees or thinks about animal cruelty. She can’t comprehend why anyone would ever harm an animal.
Similarly, I have a lot of friends who care deeply about Mother Earth and are strong advocates of climate change. They live off the land, use little electricity…and even build their own earthships.
At heart, these are my people.
Yet how do we make sense of cruelty and carelessness without becoming extremely judgmental of our fellow human beings? How can we honor our shared humanity instead of creating more separation?
Per usual, I find answers in going a level deeper and exploring inner worlds from a mental-emotional lens…
…because the truth is, people won’t care about the earth or animal welfare if they remain disconnected from themselves. It is our egos (voice of fear) that cover up our own internal pain and keep us from accessing our true selves. This blocks us from love.
Most people fear the pain, run from it, numb it. It feels too scary to feel, because most of us weren’t taught to honor and feel our emotions. I can’t blame them. Turning our gaze toward the truth…the wounds of our past and the cruelty of the outer world is opening the door to pain, and that pain requires immense bravery to face. I recommend keeping in mind that pain is really just a guide to joy.
This is highly reductionary, but on a mental health level we first have our protector parts (inner critic, over-thinker, etc) that keeps us from feeling the pain of unworthiness, not-enoughness, etc that we felt as children. A shorter way of saying this is that our ego separates us from our true selves. The healing begins when we can “re-parent” our inner child and learn to love ourselves unconditionally. The ego doesn’t necessarily disappear, but its death grip starts to loosen.
In a similar way, we block out the pain of the outer world because the pain feels too much to face. With real life critics and alarmists coming at us from all sides that resemble adults shaming us as kids, we further shut down and refuse to look at the reality we, fear, has created. The choice then is either to ignore animal cruelty, climate change, etc. or accept it. But to accept it is to acknowledge not only the pain we’ve caused others, but our own pain. And how the hell are we supposed to do that if we don’t know how to feel…if we don’t know that is OKAY to feel? So we split and separate ourselves from others (human and animals)… and from love.
The science on animal consciousness and global warming is irrefutable. People who deny these things are not stupid. They’re not necessarily ignoring the facts (no matter how hard they try to make an opposing case), they’re trying to suppress pain.
Compassion is really the only way forward. But god, that self-judgement is so hard to get rid of. This is where the fight is…not against each other, but to keep loving ourselves even when our minds get loud and our hearts want to break into a million pieces.
Once we touch on the pain, there’s a fine line between “fuck it” and keeping our gaze towards the sun in the midst of darkness.
I’ve been to that “fuck it” place too many times…considered if the physical pain of crashing my bike would feel better than the internal turmoil I was experiencing. “It might be nice to just give up”, chimes the pleading, desperate voice of my ego (for those familiar with IFS, this would be the last resort “firefighter”). I’ve had to fight for my Light, trusting that my heart and my joy would guide me back to my purpose and to Love.
I didn’t do this on my own. I prayed for help. My Reiki therapist witnessed my pain and cried with me. That may have been one of the most single healing acts a person has ever done for me. He then waited several days, until I was ready, to help me see how I gave my power (my internal joy) away to my ego, to my Achilles and to running, to the perception of how I feared others would see me, and to the darkness of the world.
If I give in to the cruelty I witness, if I decide to judge others for the harm they cause the earth or their chosen ignorance, I give my power away, too. I might say “fuck it” or I might stay angry forever. While anger is a powerful motivator, it eats away at our insides if we hold on to it. Yet if I can release into love, I might actually be able to hold on to my power and create change.
You see, only love creates love. War energy creates chaos and fear. (Our hearts move us forward, our egos keep us stuck.)
If I can step into my own pain, yes, there’s going to be a lot of tears and potential screaming. But from the dark only light can be created…in fact, this is how the world was created and how humans formed from the stars. The only thing that can be found in pain is a well-spring of love. For myself. For others. For the earth. For animals. This is how we re-unite under Love.
(Pacer napping photos are of my leg, other two photos are of Pacer and my sister.)
“The eyes of an animal have the power to speak a great language.”- Martin Buber
Commitment in relationships is beginning to evolve.
It doesn’t just mean “I promise to stay with you forever.”
That’s not to scare anyone to anyone who hopes for a life-long partnership. That certainly can still happen. But commitment now is something much greater, requires even harder work, and leads to more joy and freedom. (Not freedom to break the guidelines you and your partner have created, but more freedom to be one’s true self). However, if the relationship has runs it course, it does give the permission to move forward without shame or guilt.
The fundamental aspect of the new type of commitment is healing. Relationships inevitably are triggering at some level, especially for those with insecure attachment styles. Our fears about ourselves and love will become revealed. Rather than suppressing emotions, ignoring big talks, staying in unhealthy relationships, and pretending everything is fine as in some relationships of the past, we are asked to confront our shadows and return to our higher selves.
This new commitment asks for us, first and foremost:
When I am triggered and my shadows appear, do I promise to do the inner work to heal myself? (The first commitment is the commitment to Self.)
Second, the commitment asks:
When my partner is triggered, do I promise that to the best of my ability, I will provide a safe and loving space for them to heal? (The second commitment is to your partner.)
Last, when both partners are triggered, it asks:
When we are both triggered, do I promise to stay in it (in connection)? Do I promise to first take care of my own wounds, then return to my partner so we can heal in relationship together? (The third commitment is to each other.)
While some may not choose this higher level of relationship, personally, a break in these commitments is reason enough for me to move on. If I don’t see a partner committed to their own work, or if a partner runs when my darkness is revealed, as painful as it might be, I’m learning that this is a sign to walk away. The commitment to loving my Self is the most important.
Relationships with animals are easier because animals don’t suffer from the human ego. However, relationships with animals still provide great lessons on unconditional love and can be immensely healing.
“You are a powerful manifestor, Ray!”, said the psychic in an an email after a pet reading, which was half an email about me honing my own energy.
People have mentioned some variation of this to me before, commenting on my intuition or healing energy. “But what do you actually mean!?”, is the shout I often keep quiet in my head. I often feel like a young Jedi Knight or first year Hogwarts student, shooting off my magic without knowing how or what I’m doing.
After all, I don’t have a van (yet), a book deal (yet), or enough money to pay off my student loans (yet).
Yet, I do know I have to be careful about what I say or write down…
Naming my previous car “Surry”, short for “Surrender”, meant I had to learn how to actually surrender. I had a flat tires near Taos ski resort, a dirt road in Salida, and off the highway towards Denver, plus car issues in Leadville and up a mountain road in BV (this is the short list). For those not familiar in the area, I was often in the middle of nowhere, or on a highway stretch that AAA normally won’t help on. Yet each time, it all worked out, with my favorite time being when I met the very friendly elder and his faithful dog in the small town of Leadville. This was years ago, so he may have very well been the sole mechanic around. His garage was so packed with miscellaneous parts you could barely walk through it, let alone get a car in. He sent me and Pacer up the mountain to explore while he first went to lunch with friends and then worked on Surry the Subaru (my current car is named Serenity, obviously my current journey). If I get a tattoo with a meaning attached to it, I better be prepared for the experience to not just understand the meaning, but know it. “You want to know what it means to only respond to the first arrow (a Buddhist teaching) with love?”, my tattoo asks of me. Well get ready… Name my private practice “Wanderlust Counseling”? Well I better get ready to explore the liminal phase completely and hold on to my North Star.
This past January, I completed Gabrielle Bernstein’s yearly Manifesting Challenge. Early on, I wrote my key manifestion hope down in both my journal and on a sticky note, which I stuck to the backside of my Murphy bed. It read “To move (travel) freely while following my heart and serving others.” My human self thought this meant potentially getting a van or a small cabin by the mountains and being able to run the trails pain free. What my soul heard was that I wanted to be free of my ego (fear), free of my human suffering (doubt), free to take risks and fail…free to follow my heart. Michael A. Singer might call this “living untethered.”
Shortly after this, I told my new therapist that my goal for therapy was to become unshakeable. “I want to have so much confidence in (love for) myself that I become unshakeable.”
I didn’t mean this in the narcissistic way, where an outer shell portrays a false god-like exterior to the world while big insecurities lay buried deep inside. Although really, I also wanted to know that if I ever happened to see the aforementioned ex-lover (from part one) walking around with a new girlfriend, that I would be unfazed, only wishing the happy couple love.
So to clarify to the therapist, I added “Not so that I never get hurt, but so that I can experience big emotions, let them pass more easily, and still know that I am okay.”
With that statement, I put the ball, or rather the intention, in motion.
Which also meant lots, and lots, and lots of opportunities to practice self-love in the midst of my human foibles.
*****
I don’t think I really realized how little I loved myself, or so conditionally, until I was 34. I had gotten over the self-loathing depression states by my early 20s and felt that I at least liked myself. But love?
Though really, how could I love myself when I was still understanding what love actually meant? Since my parents divorce as a kid, I had been debating for most of my life if love was even real. Between that and some fear-based ideas of love that I was taught in church, my ideas of love were, to say the least, skewed. And greatly, greatly, limited.
By the turning of the year and the words that came out of my mouth to the therapist, learning how to love myself, in the expansive, unconditional way, became my only option for survival. Could I be there for myself in heartache? Could I be there for myself when worried my body would never heal? Could I be there for myself when I rushed into the new tattoo? Could I be there for myself when faced with the doubt of making a big decision? Could I be there for myself, could I love myself, if that decision failed?
*****
Of course, my manifesting powers made sure this was all about to be put to the test with the decision I was about to make: to continue to hike the CDT, or stop and drive back to Colorado. The plan was always to stop if Pacer wasn’t happy. She was still definitely healthy, but giving me more of an “eh” than a “let’s go!” Ultimately, that would lead to my answer, obvious in hindsight…but oh, how my doubt likes to control my thoughts! Brood, re-think, ruminate! “You’re so silly for trying!”( risking clients, income, safety, approval of family…the latter not being a thing, although my ego always seems to think so) as well as “Try harder!” yelled different parts of my ego. Yet a pause, a breathe, allows for some separation… a space to choose between self-hate and self-love.
These times of inner adversity have led me to asking myself a new, soul-level question:
“Can I love myself so fiercely that no matter what decision I make, no matter what mistake, no matter how badly I fail (or succeed), that my love never waivers?” Perhaps it even grows at I watch myself walk through life with the bravery to truly LIVE. “Can I become UNSHAKEABLE?”
“Yes.”, I answer back, quiet but firm. Unwavering. Even though this felt-sense is still a whisper, there’s a deep knowing at my core that I, my higher self, will always have my back. That I always have been and will always be unconditionally loved. No matter what. The way a girl loves her dog. Unshakeable Love.
*****
Of course, after this first decision, my ego mind wasn’t ready to leave without a fight. My OCD part (little on the compulsion, heavy on the obsessive thoughts) that I developed early on in childhood still likes to come out from time to time and chime in. Or rather, try to run the show. But thats another story, the next post of this series on transcending fear. I’ll simply say that later, driving back to Colorado, I had to fight for Myself. Still, I heard the answer in a whisper under the loud noise of my ego, the only answer there ever could be: “Yes.”
In addition to my manifesting, there was also the prophecy-in-poem-format written by my older sister in 2019 before she passed, her last Christmas gift to me:
Determined to be more than just survivors of life, we
Reach for a ray of sunshine in the darkness, and
Out pours strength from those here and gone who love us most.
Peace will find us in our weakest moments and help us
Sail across the sun.
Overcoming our obstacles, we reach the top of the mountain, free and
Fearless!
Journeys of 1,000 miles start with a single step forward, and we find
Unwaivering support from all that surrounds us. But we still
Pray we can live up to and fulfill all expectations.
In times of both turmoil and
Triumph, we
Explore what both amazes and humbles us, ultimately
Realizing not all who wander are lost!
****
“Lost paragraphs”: Usually, blogs don’t take me too long. They just kind of flow. Perhaps because I waited so long to finish this one, I struggled with what to include. I decided the following paragraphs didn’t flow:
I had just spent a month on an adventure I called Following Sunshine: Traveling at the Pace of Joy on the CDT, sunshine meaning joy and intuition (main topics to be explored in Part Three)…and my dog. We were still on the 2-week break from thru-hiking after finishing a 150 mile section together in New Mexico. We had planned to flip north since my sister and her partner were running a sky race just past the border in Canada. In the previous week while still on “break” we hiked/run up and down Mt. Elbert, which had been Pacer’s first 14er and was currently one of the only 14ers in Colorado in near summer conditions. Pacer seemed fine, but then again, not 100% herself, meaning that when we reached tree line, she wasn’t trying to herd every single person in front of us. This is when I realized I had a decision to make and fear started to kick in. Would I make the “right” choice? I doubted myself right into anxiety, flipping through every possible scenario and outcome. (I should mention, the plan had always been to stop if Pacer was at all unhappy- but she had done well in northern New Mexico. Still, admittedly, her “meh” was covered up by my self doubt.)
Fast forward to June 23, 2023. Now I’m in joyful tears driving back to the hotel in Alberta, Canada after a hike/run to Haig Lake. I think back to 8 years ago, when I didn’t love myself enough to stop. Instead, I took ibprofen after ibuprofen, somehow managing to finish the 100 mile race with out overdosing, considering I’m just shy of 5’4 and started taking the pills before the race even started (I hard partially torn a calf muscle a few days before). But I loved Pacer enough to stop hiking the CDT (obviously not because of injury-I would have stopped in an instant then- but because of happiness), and in that, I loved myself enough to stop too. To not hold myself in guilt or shame for trying, for risking so much (a place to live, clients, approval, income) and failing. Instead, I could honor myself for my bravery and hold myself in unconditional love. Man, that dog…I knew she was a beacon of light, that I could understand unconditional love because of her…but to teach me how to love myself? doG, I tell you…]
The old debate among the spiritual community revolved around the question: “Is the opposite of love fear or hate?
When examined closer, we realize there is no need for debate.
We only hate what we fear, and we only fear what we don’t understand.
The reverse is also true.
When we shine a light on what we don’t understand, we begin to know its truth, and we can only love what is true.
We find that to know the darkness is to know the light.
**************
I can still remember the first time I heard the song “Accidentally in Love” by Counting Crows.
I can almost picture myself walking out of the movie theater after seeing Shrek with my dad and sister, when Parmatown Mall was still actually a mall and had a movie theater.
But the stronger memory is of the felt-sense I had of the closing song, how the high vibration of Accidentally in Love still reverberated throughout my body. The first Shrek was released in 2001, which marks the “post period” for me. Post death of my uncle (the firecracker of the family), post parents divorce, post Dad’s nearly fatal heart attack. Every once in a while, I still had the wild feeling of love, of zest for life still in me, when my mom let me wander through the trail-less woods alone or after seeing a movie in the theater, but for the most part, this light had disappeared. So when I heard Accidentally in Love for the first time, it was more of a longing that I felt within me.
Would I ever get that feeling back?
When I decided to take a deep dive into my healing journey a few months ago, I didn’t really understand what needed healing. I didn’t know something was missing. I didn’t know how deep I would have to go into the dark. I just knew I didn’t feel how I wanted to feel, and so it really was my emotions that pointed the way.
As it turned out, it all came back to returning myself, to the joy within me. To get truly excited about the little things, to the excitement of just being alive. Allowing my imagination to once again run wild. Getting back to art and creating, just for the sake of playing.
So when Pacer and I found ourselves at Great Sand Dunes National park, paws and shoes in the sand, without thinking about it, I just followed my urge to run. Then, on the drive back, I just started to sing to the songs on the radio, without hesitation in my untrained voice.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but this was me returning to my light. It really all happened accidentally. Falling back in love with myself and life.
By surrendering to my darkness, I was reunited with my light.
This feeling of joy, of course, isn’t constant. For like every other human on planet earth, I suffer from the collective amnesia. I still miss the man I fell in love with over two years ago, but simply because I miss his beautiful soul, not because I miss my own (insert Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney here). Sometimes I still wake up with a sense of unease, and not giving into doubt is still a daily practice. Yet I return to the knowing that I will always be okay. I look up and see the love around me, my sister and brother-in-partnership who let me join them on full moon skis, my dog, my Sunshine, who will follow me wherever I go, my dad in his willingness to fly across country, eat “weird” vegan food , and tells me and my sister that we are his “happy thoughts”, my mom who will text me jokes on a “FriYay!”, my sibling by magic (I’m a Gryffindor, they’re a Hufflepuff) in Denver…
…”You are immensely loved” the psychic told me. For the first time, I believed this. I felt it for myself. The more I come back to this feeling, the more I remember, and the easier it is to return to a state of joy. Of gratitude. Of love. Of light.
Pic 1: Me and Pacer (Sunshine) at Great Sand Dunes National Park Pic 2: It really is the little things…completing this puzzle with my family came with so much joy.
In the midwest, we like to name the “fun” sections of our routes, like “The Stairway to Heaven” or “The Piano Keys”. If you’re not familiar with Cuyahoga Valley National Park, then you probably at least heard of the infamous “Heartbreak Hill” on the Boston Marathon course.
I like to call this section of the Colorado Trail/Collegiate West/Continental Divide Trail “Death by Switchbacks.” Now truly, this section of the trail is nothing short of majestic, but in these few specific miles, you drop down from alpine via what feels like 100 switchbacks, cross a short marshy section (pictured here- it looks much different in the summer!), only to return to alpine via another 100 switchbacks. If you’re already feeling tired, it’s nothing short of a struggle. The good news, however, is that once you make the death march (hike, run, or cycle) up, you meet heaven. (If headed southwest, towards the Alpine Tunnel and Cottonwood Pass to the northeast.)
The ego (how we feel about ourselves, our self-esteem) death uses a similar model as this section of the trail, although I’m going to offer a reframe that it is not necessarily about a part of us that needs to die, but actually about the part of us that doesn’t want to truly live, or “be here”, as I’ve written in previous post. It’s that part of us that says life is too hard, too painful. It’s the part of ourselves we try to numb and call it depression. The ego death is actually about bringing that part into Light and reigniting your own inner fire. It’s accepting that there is pain in the world but realizing it is not our own. It’s acknowledging that there is suffering, but it is not our truth. It’s reclaiming our authentic expression of self and believing in our divine right to live freely, peacefully, and joyously. This is “fighting for the Light”.
Again, the question is, will you choose yourself (Love) over fear?
For what I am holding onto will not allow me to live.
The wounds of our past: slavery, separation, running from love.
Both Mother Earth and I know the depths of the darkness.
Wounds, resurfaced, by no other than a lover.
No longer buried deep, but instead, threatening to consume the light within.
The love within.
What choice will I make?
I hear my body groan in agony.
“Good”, instructs my Mother.
This is the release.
I can’t see the way,
but with signs, she assures me that she does.
My only job is to lean back,
to trust my fall into the night sky,
to trust the stars will catch me.
There is no doubt some type of death will occur.
In my sacred groan, I choose to release my pain.
I choose to let go.
My only chance to return to the Light.
Notes:
If you are in pain right now, know that you are not alone. This is part of the human journey. To transcend our pain. Not to hold it in, but to release it. To let it go. Realize it is not a burden to carry but a path to transformation. This process of moving through pain often requires more movement of energy than journaling or meditating. I suggest first moving the body and inviting any noises…screams, groans, cries, etc to come to the surface to be released. Then you may find peace in stillness.
I believe this is the difference between suicide and ego death, which is, I know, a big statement to make. But when we hold on to our pain, internalize it, keep it inside, it can absolutely kill our light, our soul. On the other hand, if we choose to step towards the pain and allow it to move, to be released, whether it be by groaning and physical release or talking to a therapist or friend, it is simply the ego that dies so the flame within can burn brighter.
The opposite of the sacred groan is, yes, the sacred moan. I hesitate to write about the sacred moan, for lack of many people understanding. There needs to be some conceptualization of sacred sexuality, even if it is only resonating with the term. The sacred moan is the mirrored twin of the sacred groan. It is the orgasm between two divine energies merging together to create something so expansive that it cannot be held within. It too, must be released. Yes, it can happen during sex, but it can happen outside of physical intercourse too. For it is in the energy, the pleasure, the love, the intersect of two divine energies coming together to co-create something bigger, more expansive, that one could have ever done in singularity.
A Dog and Her Girl 