"But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ." – The Little Prince
A more accurate title might be “Ignorance is bliss…until it’s a constant discomfort that we try to alleviate with drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, exercises, and compulsive busyness” …but I thought that title was a little long. And so, I’ll define bliss here as not a pure state of joy, but an illusory state of happiness that masks internal pain and external reality.
Before I dive into that loaded statement, let me start out with some context.
My sister is one of the most compassionate, loving human beings you will ever meet. She cares deeply about other humans and ADORES animals. So much so that it literally breaks her heart every time she sees or thinks about animal cruelty. She can’t comprehend why anyone would ever harm an animal.
Similarly, I have a lot of friends who care deeply about Mother Earth and are strong advocates of climate change. They live off the land, use little electricity…and even build their own earthships.
At heart, these are my people.
Yet how do we make sense of cruelty and carelessness without becoming extremely judgmental of our fellow human beings? How can we honor our shared humanity instead of creating more separation?
Per usual, I find answers in going a level deeper and exploring inner worlds from a mental-emotional lens…
…because the truth is, people won’t care about the earth or animal welfare if they remain disconnected from themselves. It is our egos (voice of fear) that cover up our own internal pain and keep us from accessing our true selves. This blocks us from love.
Most people fear the pain, run from it, numb it. It feels too scary to feel, because most of us weren’t taught to honor and feel our emotions. I can’t blame them. Turning our gaze toward the truth…the wounds of our past and the cruelty of the outer world is opening the door to pain, and that pain requires immense bravery to face. I recommend keeping in mind that pain is really just a guide to joy.
This is highly reductionary, but on a mental health level we first have our protector parts (inner critic, over-thinker, etc) that keeps us from feeling the pain of unworthiness, not-enoughness, etc that we felt as children. A shorter way of saying this is that our ego separates us from our true selves. The healing begins when we can “re-parent” our inner child and learn to love ourselves unconditionally. The ego doesn’t necessarily disappear, but its death grip starts to loosen.
In a similar way, we block out the pain of the outer world because the pain feels too much to face. With real life critics and alarmists coming at us from all sides that resemble adults shaming us as kids, we further shut down and refuse to look at the reality we, fear, has created. The choice then is either to ignore animal cruelty, climate change, etc. or accept it. But to accept it is to acknowledge not only the pain we’ve caused others, but our own pain. And how the hell are we supposed to do that if we don’t know how to feel…if we don’t know that is OKAY to feel? So we split and separate ourselves from others (human and animals)… and from love.
The science on animal consciousness and global warming is irrefutable. People who deny these things are not stupid. They’re not necessarily ignoring the facts (no matter how hard they try to make an opposing case), they’re trying to suppress pain.
Compassion is really the only way forward. But god, that self-judgement is so hard to get rid of. This is where the fight is…not against each other, but to keep loving ourselves even when our minds get loud and our hearts want to break into a million pieces.
Once we touch on the pain, there’s a fine line between “fuck it” and keeping our gaze towards the sun in the midst of darkness.
I’ve been to that “fuck it” place too many times…considered if the physical pain of crashing my bike would feel better than the internal turmoil I was experiencing. “It might be nice to just give up”, chimes the pleading, desperate voice of my ego (for those familiar with IFS, this would be the last resort “firefighter”). I’ve had to fight for my Light, trusting that my heart and my joy would guide me back to my purpose and to Love.
I didn’t do this on my own. I prayed for help. My Reiki therapist witnessed my pain and cried with me. That may have been one of the most single healing acts a person has ever done for me. He then waited several days, until I was ready, to help me see how I gave my power (my internal joy) away to my ego, to my Achilles and to running, to the perception of how I feared others would see me, and to the darkness of the world.
If I give in to the cruelty I witness, if I decide to judge others for the harm they cause the earth or their chosen ignorance, I give my power away, too. I might say “fuck it” or I might stay angry forever. While anger is a powerful motivator, it eats away at our insides if we hold on to it. Yet if I can release into love, I might actually be able to hold on to my power and create change.
You see, only love creates love. War energy creates chaos and fear. (Our hearts move us forward, our egos keep us stuck.)
If I can step into my own pain, yes, there’s going to be a lot of tears and potential screaming. But from the dark only light can be created…in fact, this is how the world was created and how humans formed from the stars. The only thing that can be found in pain is a well-spring of love. For myself. For others. For the earth. For animals. This is how we re-unite under Love.
(Pacer napping photos are of my leg, other two photos are of Pacer and my sister.)
“The eyes of an animal have the power to speak a great language.”- Martin Buber
In attempting the CDT, I journaled my intentions: following Sunshine (joy, intuition, Pacer) and being a witness to the beauty of the world. It was a combat to the shadow part of me that felt ambivalent about life. If I was going to live, I was going to LIVE. My older sister, and I say this in the most loving way, feared life. I was going to embrace the fullness, the magic of it for the the both of us. Plus, I thought attempting to hi across the country mightbe cool to do in a lifetime. I also wanted to embrace my FREEDOM- that I could make such a brave and bold choice for myself. And, while hiking for potentially several months didn’t exactly fit my all of my 4 core values (kindness/service, family/friends, growth, adventure/freedom) I thought I was at least being a good example for my clients. I wanted them to know that they too should follow their hearts, despite what others thought.
Only I’m not 100% I was following my heart.
I don’t think I could have knew that in the beginning. I needed to learn the difference between listening head and versus listening to the heart.
Perhaps I needed to start out by highlighting the areas of my internal world where I still wasn’t free.
“I thought the brave thing to do was try…but the braver thing to do was to listen to my heart.”
Don’t get me wrong. I love spending all day outside with my dog and cuddling with her all night. I don’t mind sweaty hair and 5 days worth of dirt caked on my body. Completing the Colorado Trail with Pacer is still one of the highlights of my life, even if I romanticize it a bit (or maybe a lot…to my credit, it’s impossible not to with the backdrop of the San Juans).
But I do enjoy a hot shower. Modern conveniences. Fresh food and going out to eat. A good glass of local wine.
I also enjoy..am filled with joy…going on runs with my sister and Pacer. Those days are always the best parts of my summer. My year-round happy thoughts. Really, I was just hiking to get back home: the Collegiate West into the San Juans.
My intuition knew this, asked for the re-route. Pacer new this. I made the decision to stop (after an anxious week) running downhill in Glacier National Park. My sister, Sandi, and her partner, Sage, were ahead running a loop. I had just finished hiking 90 miles in 2.5 days the day before and just happy to move without the weight of a pack. It was my 35th birthday. At the time, the decision FELT free, my body at ease.
It seems as though 35 is leaving me no room for bullshit. I wasn’t meant to be among a group of people who were mostly finding themselves. “Ray, you already know who you are. You and Pacer are Magic and Sunshine. You are Ray of Light. It’s time for you to go BE yourself, not to shine in hiding*, but SHINE for everyone to see.”, was my interpreted message from the Universe.
*To my credit I did have some good conversations with other hikers, particularly Day Hike and Happy Endings (trail names).
Right now, a week after my birthday, this is all coming through clear. At the moment, I am once again feeling free and at ease. I’m at the end of the waves…
…because as much as I would like to say everything is easy once you choose to follow your intuition, it’s absolutely not (although I am assuming it gets better with practice). My ego (fear, doubt, endless “what if”s, compulsive thoughts) fought back, HARD.
In the afternoon of my birthday, I was in the shower when I first heard my ego start to chime in again. With both my fingers in my ears and shouting (well, shouting in my mind…I didn’t want Sandi and Sage to worry) “I’M NOT LISTENING!” Now, I’m not one for suppression of emotions or shunning any parts (internal family systems reference), but I wanted to show my ego who was boss. And I wanted to enjoy my birthday dinner.
Really, I was doing well until the next afternoon. Then, heading back south and driving past CDT signs, my fear voices got louder and louder. What if I made the wrong decision? What if I should have at least tried? What if I’m missing the opportunity of a lifetime to have this adventure with my dog!? What if, what if, what if…over and over and over.
I wish I could say that I was able to return to my center, trusting myself, and knowing that regardless if there even was a right or wrong decision and I made the wrong one, that I would be okay…but that is not quite the case. Although I did still have the newly developed unshakeable self-love to fall back on, even admist the chaos in my mind. In actuality, I worried, stressed, and while helpful…texted and called way too many people. (Thank you especially to my guides Sandi and Tara). I cried after calling my dad, who was at a family party. He had been following my gps tracks and I felt a tinge of disappointment…not necessarily from him, but from myself. I hadn’t realized-or at least admitted- that even in my 30s, even after going off the beaten path since college, I still craved my parents validation.
I even called the aforementioned ex-lover* (from part 1 and part 2 of this series). I’m still not sure if it was intuition or impulse.
*I should mention, he is a good guy and I trust his thoughts and advice. Actually, I’m lucky enough to have dated several good guys (well maybe besides the one, who jus had too many demons inside eating away at his good) that I am still friends with. Knowing they care about me and Pacer, I’ll often seek their advice.
My former landlord (I’ll call her Carol for now since I didn’t get permission to use her name), whom I’ve started think of as a bonus mom, helped settle me more. Being an avid hiker and adventurer herself, plus former search and rescue member and a dog mom, she tends to understand parts of me better than my own parents. Often, I think my parents see me as an alien, questioning “Who is this child who refuses to live life by the status quo and talks about emotions, who has never saved a dime for a house but makes sure she buys her dog expensive vegan kibble? Where did she come from?” I’ve also always admired Carol’s inner strength and intuition as well, so when she said “Better safe than sorry.”, I knew she wasn’t saying it how the way most midwesterners say it (“Play it safe. Never take risks in life. Stay inside the lines.”), but in the way adventurers, explorers, and dog moms use the term (“Before taking a risk, remember what is most important in life, and consider what you are risking.”)
Still, this ego attack* lasted for the better part of several days, and I regretted stopping in Idaho and Utah on the drive home from Montana. When lost trying to find a trailhead in La Sal Mountains, I thought “I just need to go home” and drove until 9pm, passing through the end of the Swatch Range and back to Salida, to Sandi and Sage’s home.
*An ego attack is similar to a panic attack, but with the flair of existential crisis.
The funny thing? I KNEW I made the right decision. I knew by both facts and feelings. That voice, the one who knew, what I will call my intuition, was always there, just often drowned out by the SOS calls of my ego.
Why was my ego freaking out to this extreme?
I can’t remember if it was before or after hiking through Glacier*, but I remember saying to my sister, “I don’t want my ego to win.”
*Which I am very grateful I got to do…really, between Glacier, having previously gone to The Winds in Wyoming, and backpacking the Colorado Trail, I’ve done all the prettiest parts of the CDT.
And, while this wasn’t the first time I followed my heart, this did mark one of the first times in my life I didn’t listen to my ego, my fear (which surrounds my not-enoughness wound). This insight allows me to easily forgive myself for hurting my body earlier in life, first with an eating disorder and then pushing myself to long-term damage in ultras, because honestly, I wouldn’t have been able to handle the internal turmoil inside. Of course my ego was going to freak out. You see, it had protected me from so much pain earlier on in life, been with me since I left the god-like state of infant to toddler. All those attachment wounds, being misunderstood, my little empath self not knowing how to handle the confusion of the world on my own. My ego had kept me safe, and now, here I was, telling it I didn’t need it anymore. So I changed strategies and softened my tone when I felt the tightness in my chest and the “what ifs” creep back into my mind. “I know you’re scared”, I told my ego, “but I’ve got you.” “You’re enough as you are. We’re creating a new life. One full of endless love of and magic.”
The other message I received was that I was meant to “transcend my ego”. (“I don’t want to do it! It’s too hard!” I told a friend during one of my panicked moments.) By transcend, I simply mean “rise above”. By rise above, I mean that it was time to energetically put my heart before my head, to trust the voice within and not the voice of fear.
(I have heard someone claim they know a spiritual teacher who was able to soley live from the spiritual self, but on the other hand, I also know that friends of Ram Das (Elizabeth Lesser, Broken Open) will tell you that he was still very much human, perhaps until he had a stroke at age 71. My belief is that when you are able to step back, you simple realize that the ego is the human self, imperfect and fallible…and God, what a great experience, to be human.)
This is where bravery turns into freedom. Listening to your heart, trusting your inner knowing, following your dreams…being yourself, these are all THE bravest things you can do in a world embedded with and often ruled by fear. Or, risking getting it wrong, failing…this is brave too, because the ego will come back with the “shoulds” and “what ifs?”. This will be your opportunity to offer yourself compassion and shine a light into the fear. Love is the only thing that can ease the tension of fear, perhaps even dissolve it.
At the end of this brave path, there can only be one thing: Freedom. The ability to live beyond the ego, to live from the heart. Will the fear always be there? Maybe. I am still very an explorer on my spirit-human journey.
I am also still very much in the wanderlust phase, the state of in-between, embracing it. Others may call it “rock bottom”, needing to live with their sister and figure out the next steps. However, I know I’m in good company. Elizabeth Gilbert, Lewis Howes, they’ve been here too. Plus, I’ve been here enough that I know the best thing to do is embrace the opportunity, knowing I have everywhere to go and nothing else to lose. I have love. I have freedom. I have Pacer, family, and a few good friends. And, wouldn’t you know it…I got offered my Jedi Knight/wizard training basically for free (to be paid back when I get my book deal). Freedom, love, and joy. In that, I have everything.
Big Love,
Ray “Magic” & Pacer “Sunshine”
“If bravery is the ability to follow your heart in the midst of fear, freedom is the ability to find peace within yourself no matter the circumstance. Freedom is choosing joy.”
Ego: Feels like: Contraction, fear, anxiety, heavy, dread (often in chest or stomach). Sounds like: Critical, bossy “should”, and/or doubtful, uncertain, confused “What if…?” “Are you sure?”. (The ego is made up of several different parts on either end of the ego spectrum.) Loud.
The next key is to go with your initial feeling. For those of us not used to listening to our intuition, and maybe starting to do so for the first time ever, the initial feeling may only last an hour- or 5 seconds -before fear and panic come in. Remember that it is simply part of the process and to offer yourself compassion as you go through the waves. Remember that you are brave.
Pacer “Sunshine”…my hearts extension, always knew the answer. This allowed me, for perhaps the first time ever, to choose joy over suffering.
“You are a powerful manifestor, Ray!”, said the psychic in an an email after a pet reading, which was half an email about me honing my own energy.
People have mentioned some variation of this to me before, commenting on my intuition or healing energy. “But what do you actually mean!?”, is the shout I often keep quiet in my head. I often feel like a young Jedi Knight or first year Hogwarts student, shooting off my magic without knowing how or what I’m doing.
After all, I don’t have a van (yet), a book deal (yet), or enough money to pay off my student loans (yet).
Yet, I do know I have to be careful about what I say or write down…
Naming my previous car “Surry”, short for “Surrender”, meant I had to learn how to actually surrender. I had a flat tires near Taos ski resort, a dirt road in Salida, and off the highway towards Denver, plus car issues in Leadville and up a mountain road in BV (this is the short list). For those not familiar in the area, I was often in the middle of nowhere, or on a highway stretch that AAA normally won’t help on. Yet each time, it all worked out, with my favorite time being when I met the very friendly elder and his faithful dog in the small town of Leadville. This was years ago, so he may have very well been the sole mechanic around. His garage was so packed with miscellaneous parts you could barely walk through it, let alone get a car in. He sent me and Pacer up the mountain to explore while he first went to lunch with friends and then worked on Surry the Subaru (my current car is named Serenity, obviously my current journey). If I get a tattoo with a meaning attached to it, I better be prepared for the experience to not just understand the meaning, but know it. “You want to know what it means to only respond to the first arrow (a Buddhist teaching) with love?”, my tattoo asks of me. Well get ready… Name my private practice “Wanderlust Counseling”? Well I better get ready to explore the liminal phase completely and hold on to my North Star.
This past January, I completed Gabrielle Bernstein’s yearly Manifesting Challenge. Early on, I wrote my key manifestion hope down in both my journal and on a sticky note, which I stuck to the backside of my Murphy bed. It read “To move (travel) freely while following my heart and serving others.” My human self thought this meant potentially getting a van or a small cabin by the mountains and being able to run the trails pain free. What my soul heard was that I wanted to be free of my ego (fear), free of my human suffering (doubt), free to take risks and fail…free to follow my heart. Michael A. Singer might call this “living untethered.”
Shortly after this, I told my new therapist that my goal for therapy was to become unshakeable. “I want to have so much confidence in (love for) myself that I become unshakeable.”
I didn’t mean this in the narcissistic way, where an outer shell portrays a false god-like exterior to the world while big insecurities lay buried deep inside. Although really, I also wanted to know that if I ever happened to see the aforementioned ex-lover (from part one) walking around with a new girlfriend, that I would be unfazed, only wishing the happy couple love.
So to clarify to the therapist, I added “Not so that I never get hurt, but so that I can experience big emotions, let them pass more easily, and still know that I am okay.”
With that statement, I put the ball, or rather the intention, in motion.
Which also meant lots, and lots, and lots of opportunities to practice self-love in the midst of my human foibles.
*****
I don’t think I really realized how little I loved myself, or so conditionally, until I was 34. I had gotten over the self-loathing depression states by my early 20s and felt that I at least liked myself. But love?
Though really, how could I love myself when I was still understanding what love actually meant? Since my parents divorce as a kid, I had been debating for most of my life if love was even real. Between that and some fear-based ideas of love that I was taught in church, my ideas of love were, to say the least, skewed. And greatly, greatly, limited.
By the turning of the year and the words that came out of my mouth to the therapist, learning how to love myself, in the expansive, unconditional way, became my only option for survival. Could I be there for myself in heartache? Could I be there for myself when worried my body would never heal? Could I be there for myself when I rushed into the new tattoo? Could I be there for myself when faced with the doubt of making a big decision? Could I be there for myself, could I love myself, if that decision failed?
*****
Of course, my manifesting powers made sure this was all about to be put to the test with the decision I was about to make: to continue to hike the CDT, or stop and drive back to Colorado. The plan was always to stop if Pacer wasn’t happy. She was still definitely healthy, but giving me more of an “eh” than a “let’s go!” Ultimately, that would lead to my answer, obvious in hindsight…but oh, how my doubt likes to control my thoughts! Brood, re-think, ruminate! “You’re so silly for trying!”( risking clients, income, safety, approval of family…the latter not being a thing, although my ego always seems to think so) as well as “Try harder!” yelled different parts of my ego. Yet a pause, a breathe, allows for some separation… a space to choose between self-hate and self-love.
These times of inner adversity have led me to asking myself a new, soul-level question:
“Can I love myself so fiercely that no matter what decision I make, no matter what mistake, no matter how badly I fail (or succeed), that my love never waivers?” Perhaps it even grows at I watch myself walk through life with the bravery to truly LIVE. “Can I become UNSHAKEABLE?”
“Yes.”, I answer back, quiet but firm. Unwavering. Even though this felt-sense is still a whisper, there’s a deep knowing at my core that I, my higher self, will always have my back. That I always have been and will always be unconditionally loved. No matter what. The way a girl loves her dog. Unshakeable Love.
*****
Of course, after this first decision, my ego mind wasn’t ready to leave without a fight. My OCD part (little on the compulsion, heavy on the obsessive thoughts) that I developed early on in childhood still likes to come out from time to time and chime in. Or rather, try to run the show. But thats another story, the next post of this series on transcending fear. I’ll simply say that later, driving back to Colorado, I had to fight for Myself. Still, I heard the answer in a whisper under the loud noise of my ego, the only answer there ever could be: “Yes.”
In addition to my manifesting, there was also the prophecy-in-poem-format written by my older sister in 2019 before she passed, her last Christmas gift to me:
Determined to be more than just survivors of life, we
Reach for a ray of sunshine in the darkness, and
Out pours strength from those here and gone who love us most.
Peace will find us in our weakest moments and help us
Sail across the sun.
Overcoming our obstacles, we reach the top of the mountain, free and
Fearless!
Journeys of 1,000 miles start with a single step forward, and we find
Unwaivering support from all that surrounds us. But we still
Pray we can live up to and fulfill all expectations.
In times of both turmoil and
Triumph, we
Explore what both amazes and humbles us, ultimately
Realizing not all who wander are lost!
****
“Lost paragraphs”: Usually, blogs don’t take me too long. They just kind of flow. Perhaps because I waited so long to finish this one, I struggled with what to include. I decided the following paragraphs didn’t flow:
I had just spent a month on an adventure I called Following Sunshine: Traveling at the Pace of Joy on the CDT, sunshine meaning joy and intuition (main topics to be explored in Part Three)…and my dog. We were still on the 2-week break from thru-hiking after finishing a 150 mile section together in New Mexico. We had planned to flip north since my sister and her partner were running a sky race just past the border in Canada. In the previous week while still on “break” we hiked/run up and down Mt. Elbert, which had been Pacer’s first 14er and was currently one of the only 14ers in Colorado in near summer conditions. Pacer seemed fine, but then again, not 100% herself, meaning that when we reached tree line, she wasn’t trying to herd every single person in front of us. This is when I realized I had a decision to make and fear started to kick in. Would I make the “right” choice? I doubted myself right into anxiety, flipping through every possible scenario and outcome. (I should mention, the plan had always been to stop if Pacer was at all unhappy- but she had done well in northern New Mexico. Still, admittedly, her “meh” was covered up by my self doubt.)
Fast forward to June 23, 2023. Now I’m in joyful tears driving back to the hotel in Alberta, Canada after a hike/run to Haig Lake. I think back to 8 years ago, when I didn’t love myself enough to stop. Instead, I took ibprofen after ibuprofen, somehow managing to finish the 100 mile race with out overdosing, considering I’m just shy of 5’4 and started taking the pills before the race even started (I hard partially torn a calf muscle a few days before). But I loved Pacer enough to stop hiking the CDT (obviously not because of injury-I would have stopped in an instant then- but because of happiness), and in that, I loved myself enough to stop too. To not hold myself in guilt or shame for trying, for risking so much (a place to live, clients, approval, income) and failing. Instead, I could honor myself for my bravery and hold myself in unconditional love. Man, that dog…I knew she was a beacon of light, that I could understand unconditional love because of her…but to teach me how to love myself? doG, I tell you…]
A wanderer is willing to face death in order to be reborn. A wanderer respects the power of her emotions. A wanderer accepts her pain. A wanderer honors her healing.
Sometimes, a wanderer stands still.
A wanderer chooses the path of joy, knowing it will require great suffering. A wanderer enjoys good company, but loves her own the most. A wanderer knows how to befriend her fear. A wanderer’s path is a spiritual path. A wanderers best compass is her own values and her heart. A wanderer both awaits and creates.
A wanderer willingly steps into the unknown, but is rarely lost. [If she is, it is only for a moment, for she is guided by her dog. ] A wanderer stays true to herself in the face of doubt. A wanderer is led by her intuition, knowing light will always lead the way.
My then boyfriend, now friend, can tell you exactly how I looked when he dropped me and Pacer off to start the Colorado Trail, just a few months after moving to the state and having only done one very, very, short overnight backpacking trip on the AT. He’ll tell you that I looked like I was about to cry, that he could see the fear written around the worried lines around my smile. I actually didn’t know he could read any of my emotions in that moment until he repeated this scene to me a few months ago, because at the time, he knew what he had to do. He remained stoic, not allowing me to linger too long in our embrace, and sent me and Pacer off down the trail.
My tears are usually a mixture of emotions. Sadness, fear, and excitement all wrapped into a ball, moving from my chest to my throat.
The sadness is partially still from the ending that transitioned right into the beginning, but also a grief for the people I can’t take with my on my journey. It’s a love, really. The tears if sadness also mix in with tears from pure fear…a new beginning is stepping into the unknown. And, even while at this point in my life I know all will turn out okay, the fear of the unknown seems to be embedded into my DNA. Its grip has simply loosened. Blending in with the fear then, of course, is the heart of my adventurous soul singing out loud in excitement, for there is surely much beauty to be seen.
So is the cycle of my life. An ending, a beginning, and all the emotions in-between. Beauty in every step.
For a month, we have been doing some on and off running, but mostly hiking the dirt roads from our yurt.
But today, on a chilly spring morning with the clouds hanging low over the mountains, we ran! Yes, still hiking up most of the hills (we do live above 8,000ft), but running everything else.
At the halfway point, I was reminded of how I officially started my healing journey 6 months earlier at the labyrinth of the hospital where I was getting the PRP injection into my Achilles heel, where I gazed out at the Indian Peaks. Yesterday, Pacer and I paused at the labyrinth at Joyful Journeys Hot Springs, where I had just soaked in the mineral rich and sacred waters with friends, this time looking out at the Sangre de Cristo mountains. I knew that I was looking out at the mountains with a new perspective, a true, more whole version of me.
Realizing this, I started to cry. Actually, let’s be real. I don’t cry. I sob. So I stopped on the dirt tracks, let the joy-tears come, and kissed Pacer on her snout.
We did it. We made it through the pain. And now, it is time to fly again.
Instead, we’ve been trained to see it as “normal”. How the sun rise each day and the stars glitter each night. That I can give a friend a hug and feel a profound gratitude for their presence. How, as I type this, I can reach out my hand and put my fingers through the fur of a being who is pure, unconditional love.
I don’t care how well someone explains to me TVs, cell phones, and computers. I will always be amazed that I can get an “I love you” text from my dad 1,500 miles way in a matter of seconds. Or how I can get a live picture on my screen of a full movie, taped years ago, past appearing in reality as present. It’s mind blowing.
Or, that one time in my life, I was a mere egg, just a possibility. Then, a 6 lb baby, paired with another 6lb baby (my twin sister), who came out of a woman (my mother) who is more petite than I am. Now, I’m a full grown 5’4″ walking and talking adult. Bananas!
And, if you really want to talk miracles, what about the fact that we live on this sphere floating around in space, orbiting around the sun from just the right distance so we can survive, and that the moon affects the ocean tide?
Love.
That a human body, made of skin and bone, can experience the sensation of love. That be it physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, we can love, and so deeply that it hurts.
When you think of life that way, when you can stare out at the mountains in the pink glow of sunrise or at the ocean as the sun fades in the horizon, it actually seems silly to believe magic doesn’t exist.
It may take some squinting at first, some fuzzy-ing up your vision as you did as kid to see the blackboard to prove you didn’t need glasses, this time to un-train your conditioned eyes, but I promise, when you look choose to look through the lens of awe, you will see it. Not only will you see it, you will realize magic has always existed, has always been all around you.
[I was recently asked by a friend if I’ve ever tried plant medicine before, as some of my writings seem to reflect as much. At the time of this writing, I have not, nor have I ever had any medicine much stronger than Tylenol, save for the local anesthesia when I’ve gone to the dentist or had my PRP injection. Still, I am certainly not against plant medicine and the beautiful “places” I’ve heard it can take you. (I am especially interested in using psychedelic medicine in trauma work by trained therapists.) Personally, what I have found is that the deeper I dive into my mental health journey, or inner work, and the braver I’ve gotten to be a witness to my own darkness, that only spirituality is left on the other side. This writing, in particular, was written during my “at home weekend retreat” where I spent much of the day journaling, meditating, and going out onto the land to walk my dog.]
So far in my research, or “Googling”, I have not found evidence to support the theory that “dog” is intentionally “god” spelled backwards.
But I don’t need the evidence. Whether or not it’s intentional, I already know the truth. Without question, dogs are simply extensions of God, which I’ll simply define here has pure, positive energy. Love and joy.
The more I listen to spiritual teachers, the more I’m convinced that all humans, or spiritual beings in human bodies, are meant to live in a state of joy.
With that, my job as a light worker, or therapist, is to help people move through their darkness and trauma to return to the light, a state of joy. Yet as someone who’s always been highly attuned to the darkness and light in the world, it still takes a lot of work (though less so than in the past). Hence, my gift from the Universe, or God…Pacer. My reminder, or angelic messenger, to return to love. A reminder that joy and peace are our natural states.
*I have to add… because one of my best friends is a cat lover. I think this post can extend to all animals.
Running with your dog can add infinite amounts of joy to an already joyous activity. But there are few more responsibilities and things to consider when running with your favorite pacer. Here are Coach Ray & Coach Pacer’s top tips!
1.It’s Your Dogs Run/Adventure
Our number one rule when running with your dog is simple: It’s your dog’s run. If your dog isn’t into the run that day, you turn and go home. If the dog doesn’t want to scramble to the top of the mountain, you turn and go home. It’s that simple, and probably obvious too. But sometimes our egos get in the way. Your job as a human is to rise above that ego (and Instagram photo) and remember how much you love your dog.
2. Water
Anytime in the summer and anytime you’re on a new route, we recommend you fill up with water. Anytime Pacer and I run in the desert or canyons, I’m going in with a full hydration reservoir. In the summer, it can be helpful to look at maps to see if there are creek crossings, but you can’t always trust them. It’s always good to have a water filter with you too just in case, as you’ll go through water quickly if you’re carrying for two, regardless if your pup finds a stream to jump in.
3. Leash
We really love the leash belts. While not perfect for running form, it’s better than having one arm being pulled out. If possible, have the belt/leash rest below your waist. It’s likely not going to stay there, especially if you have a pup like Pacer who’s going to try and fly down hill and pull you like a kite. In that case, let the leash be a reminder to keep a neutral pelvis. If you are on a trail that allows off-leash dogs, have full voice command over your dog and you might want to put your dog back on leash if you see a pup with a leash on. For people and dogs who have been chased by dogs before, it can be scary to see an off-leash dog running towards them, no matter how friendly the pup. If you’re not on an off-leash trail, please respect the rules. They are there for a reason and are really there for the love of all dogs, animals, nature, and people. Pacer and I live in the mountains, and it always amazes me to see people who let their dogs off-leash when the area is prone to elk, mountain lions, bears, and moose.
4. Long mountain adventures with your pup
There is nothing more Pacer and I love than spending a day in the mountains together. But there is more to think about when heading out. One thing I’ve learned to always carry with me are dog booties. If you’re on a mountain that is rocky, I’d put them on early. I’ve had a hard time forgiving myself for the times one of Pacer’s paw pads ripped and it could have been prevented. After trying several types of booties over many years, we finally settled on a simple cloth booty, used by mushing dogs. They are fairly inexpensive and stay on better than the more expensive booties. For summer mountains, Mountain Ridge has a “tough boots” option made out of a durable fabric. Last year, I also finally bought a dog rescue harness (Fido Pro Airlift), mainly for peace of mind. I don’t always take it with us, but truly, it’s better just to be okay with carrying a little extra weight into the mountains. Finally, if I’m unsure of the route and it’s a big distance, I’ll see if another human friend can go with us. Last year, on the “Pacer’s Big Day” 14er route (Redcloud, Sunshine, and Handies- 19.6 miles, 7,831ft of gain), “Aunt” Sandi came with us. Aunt Sandi also always brings extra treats for Pacer, which Pacer says is also important to have on long mountain adventure days.
(We also have a Garmin inReach for additional safety.)
A Dog and Her Girl 